As much as I hate to depend on Vamsi, I waited for him the next morning to take me to college.

When he didn't come, I walked to the main road, took an auto and walked back to the campus.

It's what we did for more than two years before we got the bullet but that didn't stop me from calling him with every colourful name in my dictionary.

Of course, I arrived a little late but thankfully there are no classes and I joined my team at our regular spot where my best friend and I spent the next few hours ignoring each other.

Initially we got looks from our two team members and then the rest of our class as the news of our fight travelled like fire.

Hearing whispers of 'best friends' and 'what happened now' worsened my already bad mood and I left the lab, twenty minutes before lunch.

"Wait up!"

Neha's voice made me pause. When she caught up with me, she didn't waste any time to ask "So, what happened between you and Vamsi?"

I sighed "Let me eat first. I'm hungry"

"Fine. Where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere far from the drama"

"Ok. What did your mom pack today?"

"She---- Shit! I forgot my lunch at home"

She smirked "You can't survive a day without Vamsi, can you?"

I scowled "He's supposed to be my ride to college"

"Did you ask him if he's coming?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. I've known you for almost four years, so I can guess who fought with who"

"Fine! You're right. I didn't even send my usual 'good morning' message"

"Why?"

"Because we fought" I cried out, in frustration. Isn't that the point?

"You guys fight, always" she said, rolling her eyes.

"We don't" Before she spoke, I fumed "Arguments are not fights"

"This is big?"

"Yes. I hate to admit but, yes"

"Wha---"

"I want food first" I screamed in irritation before she went ahead with more questions.

Being in a terrible mood and seeing Idly for breakfast, I didn't eat anything. Of course, if Vamsi was there, he would not have allowed me to leave home with an empty stomach.

Neha and I proceeded to Cafeteria where I explained everything after having some rice and sabji.

"So you still want to participate?" she exclaimed after listening to the whole story.

"Of course!"

"You will be against Vamsi if you did that"

"I don't care. Not only will I participate, I will do everything to win it and perform on stage"

"Only tiny problem" she said sarcastically "You don't have a partner"

"Then I have to find one" I said intently.

"It's not easy! Especially finding someone who matches your rhythm and stamina"

"I'll do it even if I have to make a baby and teach him how to dance"

She giggled "So what we do now?"

We then made a list of dancers from all departments that have participated in the last three years. The plan is to find a partner that suits me best.

"What about Prabodh? His performance last year was good"

I tsked in disapproval "His steps lack grace"

A minute later, she rounded Sumith's name in the list "What about him?"

"He can't dance more than five minutes without panting like a dog" I declared dully.

"Anand won last year singles competition. Do you think we can get him to take part in duet this year?" she said, underlining his name.

"His transitions aren't top notch and frankly, I don't think he can even perform Michael Jackson songs"

After a few more suggestions, she gave up "Do you even want a partner?"

"Of course I do!"

"If you are expecting someone like Vamsi, you might as well give up because nobody will measure up to him"

I groaned "All I want is someone who's good at hip hop and freestyle"

By the end of lunch hour, we narrowed down the names to four before joining our respective teams in lab.

Again, we ignored each other minding our own business.

By 4 O' clock, I became restless having stayed in the same spot for hours and having not spoken to Vamsi which made me pack my bag and leave.

Outside the department, I ran into Ankith, 3rd year Mech student who made it to my final four list. When I asked him about being my partner, he said he will be out of city on Annual day and can't help me.

Disappointed with the outcome, I walked out of the campus, took an auto and strolled back home.

The next morning I left earlier than usual as I have to take public transport and first period is Prof. Srinivas' class.

When Vamsi entered the class, Neha and I am discussing about meeting the other three members of our list during intermission.

"This is getting annoying" Neha mumbled under breath when he took his usual seat; behind us.

"What?"

"Both of you pretending that you don't see the other person"

I hushed her when my favorite professor entered the room, looking snippy and annoyed.

We did manage to talk to the three during lunch break.

Kashyap, 2nd year BT student already gave his name with another partner.

Ishant, 4th year IT student didn't want any deviations from his project. 

Snehaal, 3rd year ECE student has a problem with me being taller than him. He is 5'5" and two inches shorter.

With no other options left, we put up an announcement in notice board asking anyone interested to contact me.

"May be we should think about Anand now" Neha said, her lips forming a frown.

"That is my last option"

"What if he already gave his name? What if we can't find anyone else? You have barely ten days to practise. How will you do it?" Neha blabbered, looking worried.

"I will dress you up as boy and we will perform together" I joked.

She snorted "The chances of you making a baby, performing with him and winning the trophy is higher than making me learn"

"You are not that bad" I lied.

She laughed "I have two left legs. There's no way you are making me dance unless Shaan is the winning trophy"

As I opened the door of the ladies room, someone came rushing out and collided into me. Something solid hit my stomach and I got knocked to the ground when I felt a sharp pain in my leg.

The girl who hit me looked terrified as she said "I'm so sorry ma'am"

I groaned and Neha screamed at her "Don't you see where you're going? What's the hurry"

"Leave her!" I said, getting up and looked at the girl "Is that your handbag?"

At her nod, I said "Why the hell is it so heavy?"

The girl beside her chuckled but the junior who hit me repeated "I'm sorry mam. I will be careful"

When they left, Neha said "Are you fine? Do you have to go see a doctor?"

Lifting my jeans a little, I noticed that it's a small wound and nothing to worry about "I'm fine"

"What did you hit?"

"The door frame, I think"

"You should get a T.T"

"It's wood" I said lightly, trying not to make it obvious about having to drag my injured leg.

I am in the middle of documenting our progress so far when Nisha interrupted me, looking serious "Do you have a minute?"

"What's the problem?" I said, tearing my gaze back to the screen.

"This is important"

"Nisha, no!" Vamsi intervened, not meeting my eyes.

"Stay out of it please" she said sadly then turned to me "I'm sorry this is happening because of me"

"What is?" I asked though I have an idea what she is referring to.

"You had this big fight because of me. It's my mistake. I should not have asked him knowing you two do it together every year"

"I don't know what you want me to say" I said honestly.

"I will step back. You both compete together like you always did"

I scoffed "So nice of you to be the sacrificial lamb! I bet now I should be grateful for your kind gesture and praise your big heart"

"Anju!" There's a warning in Vamsi's tone.

"Thank you, but no thank you" I continued sweetly, ignoring him "I am not that shameless yet to chase someone who's made it very clear who he wants and who he doesn't"

"But Anjali, that's only because----"

"Stop! It's pointless anyway" I retorted dryly, stowing my things into my bag.

"Thirteen years of friendship and suddenly I'm dispensable" Muttering under my breath, I picked up my bag and left.

If I stayed another minute, I'd start yelling at both of them.

Why'd she have to be so damn perfect!

I didn't go much further than our department when I felt Vamsi's hand on my elbow "Come with me"

"Leave me alone" I screamed, trying to get out of his grip but he pulled me towards the back of our building and forced me to sit on the bench.

I hate that boys are physically stronger than girls.

"Stay here!" he said, taking a step back and I stood up.

"I mean it Anju. Stay here"

"I don't have to do anything you say"

He gave a long exhale "If you don't, I'm going to tell your mother that you throw away your lunch every time she makes brinjal and beans"

I wanted to tell him to go to hell but I'm scared he will keep his word. Dammit!

So, I stayed; gritting my teeth in anger.

He reappeared a minute later with a water bottle and hand kerchief.

"What's that for?"

Sitting back on his knees, he lifted my jean til he found my injury couple of inches above my ankle.

I tried not to wince when he poured water on it. Then, he cleaned the blood and patted the skin around with the kerchief before picking a band aid from his wallet.

"And it's done" he said, plastering it on my wound.

When he made me stand up, I was ready to blast him off but he threw his arms around me and said "Hold your anger for a sec"

Again, I shut up.

When he pulled back, he stared into my eyes and said fervently "I'm sorry"

"I don't want your fucking sorry" I said through gritted teeth.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Did your girlfriend send you to renegotiate?"

"Anjali!" We're using full names, now?

"Yes, Vamsikar?" I said sarcastically.

To my surprise, a smile graced his mouth "Are you done throwing tantrums now? So we can talk like adults?"

"I am not doing anything, except minding my own business" I said, reminding who started the argument.

"No. I'm ignoring you and you're ignoring me. And frankly, it's getting a little bored now. I don't want to not talk to you"

"Well, I didn't ask you to"

"You didn't send me good morning text"

"You didn't come to pick me up for college. Yesterday and today."

"I did!" he countered, repeating my words "Yesterday and today. But you left"

"I stayed til 9 O' clock at my house and trust me, I haven't missed a kid's bicycle let alone a bullet that roars like a lion" I said roughly.

"I was late and the bullet didn't start for a long time"

"What's wrong with it?" I said, going off topic worried about our precious motor cycle.

"That's not the point here" he reminded furiously.

"Oh, yeah. The point is trying to convince me what noble people you and your girlfriend are; while I am the spoiled brat who gets angry at people for no reason"

He scowled "Will you ever listen? For once in your life?"

"Why should I listen to a word of what you say?"

With a long exhale, he occupied my seat holding his head without saying a word.

The silence gave me time to think and bring my temper under control. It may have done the same for him as he looked peaceful when he spoke again "I didn't choose her over you"

"Of course! And Rohit Sharma is better than Virat Kohli"

He chuckled "Will you ever let me talk without throwing a tantrum?"

"I never----" Seeing his look of obvious proof, I shut up.

"Fine! What?" I said, taking the seat beside him.

He threw his arm around my shoulder and repeated "I didn't choose her over you, Anju. I can never choose somebody over you. When she asked me, I didn't say no but I didn't say yes, either"

"But you said-----"

"This!" He said, pointing a finger at me "is why I was scared. You don't listen. You leap before you think. And you did the same that night"

"Why didn't you deny then?"

"Because I got angry" To my look of surprise, he added with a mock smile "What? You think only you have the patent rights to get angry?"

Against my wishes, I snickered "No. What were you angry about?"

"That you could think I made up my mind without even asking you. After 13 years of knowing me, you could actually think that I don't care about you!"

The anguish in his voice shut my mouth. I did think that.

"You were angry even before I said a word. And when I did, you jumped on me without even letting me explain"

"You let me believe you wanted to perform with her. You even said------"

"By then I was too angry to say what I came to say. So, I decided if Anju already made up her mind that I wanted to participate with Nisha, then I may as well do that. I wasn't thinking and I was being stubborn"

To my silence, he added "You hurt me and like a child, I did the same to you. It wasn't until I went home did I realize what I did. I left my logical thinking and said things I didn't mean. And I regret that"

"What did you want to talk about, that day?"

"I wanted your suggestion" Before I can interrupt that I know shit, he added "I know you have as much experience understanding girls as me but you are my only friend. If not you, who do I turn to?"

"Is she good?" The question slipped my mouth before I can think.

Damn, he's right. I really do leap before thinking. Why did I have to ask that!

He gave a sad smile "She's so good it's so bad. She's patient and understanding. She's so calm I have no idea what's going on in her head, half the time "

"Which is why you didn't say no to her face" I completed for him.

He nodded "I didn't know if she'd really understand or if she'd be upset and just pretend for my sake that she's fine. I have no experience with girls"

I glared at him and he chuckled "It's different with you, Anju. You speak your mind. You wear your heart on your sleeve. If you hate someone, the person can spot that from a mile away. I can't say the same for other girls"

"Still, you shouldn't have----"

"I know. We both did and said things we regret. Didn't we?" he said, pulling me closer so that my head rested on his shoulder.

I nodded, yielding to the warmth of his body "What are we going to do?"

He sighed heavily "You aren't doing anything. I am"

"What?"

"I will break up with Nisha by the end of the day"

"WHAT?" I yelled, pulling back in shock.

"You heard me"

"Why?"

"Because I don't want this to happen again. I don't want to feel helpless and I don't want to choose who to hurt next time. Because it seems like I can't please one without hurting the other"

His confession stunned me. Nisha is the first girl he's liked in years and he wants to give that up for me.

"But you like her"

He nodded "I do. I really do. But you don't. This relationship is changing our dynamic and I hate doing that to us"

"May be I will grow to like her" I tried.

"You have been lying to my face, Anju. You have been running away from me to avoid staying with her more than necessary. How will you like her if you can't stand her?"

Of course he knows! Dammit!

When it became clear that I'm not going to explain myself, he continued "I don't blame you, Anju. It was my mistake. I thought you'll grow to like her, just like you did with Neha. I was so sure of it"

He's right. I'd have liked her. What's not to like, really?

The sadness in his eyes made me angry. At myself.

The only reason I don't like her is because he likes her. My feelings won't change no matter who he chooses next. I will dislike them even if they did nothing to deserve that.

I would have been ecstatic that he's going to break up if it happened for his personal reasons. Like they don't get along, no longer like each other or don't want same things from life.

But that's not what's happening here. I can't carry the burden of breaking them up.

"You can't do that!"

He looked surprised "What?"

"You can't break up for that reason"

"Anju!"

"You can't. That's not fair"

"It's breaking us apart, Anju. I feel like a married man who has to take sides. Mother or wife?"

For a second, his words didn't make sense. When they did, I yelled "I am not your mother!"

He laughed "Of course you are not. You are more!"

My heart stopped for a second before it began pounding rapidly against my chest.

Did he just confess I'm more important to him than his mother?

"W-what?" I managed to say.

He glanced away "Anju, I--- I love my mother. Very much. She's the best. But I can get through without seeing her and talking to her every day. I have been doing that for years now. I can live without her. But you! I---"

I can't live without you.

Everything inside me went still at his unspoken words.

Then, my heart lurched and soared as high as a Pegasus flying towards the sun.

Not only did he acknowledge that he values our friendship more than any relationship, he said I mean more to him than his own mother.

Without bothering to complete his earlier statement, he continued "I don't like what's going between us, Anju. We both are hiding things from each other. We are making decisions without----"

"You are the one doing that. You gave me all of Nisha's work so you can impress her"

Why does my mouth keep doing that! Shut up, for fucksake!

Vamsi looked impatient "We are seriously talking about that?"

Again, my mouth moved "Why not?"

He sighed in irritation "She was giving me excuses about work every time I asked her out. What do I do? I can't even take advantage of my smart friend, now?"

"You should have asked me!"

"Like when you did before telling Pranitha that I was in love with you and making me hold your hand and calling you sweetie for a whole year?" he said sarcastically.

That shut me up. He is right! I did do that.

Pranitha was one of my class mates in high school. She was mean to me but because I wouldn't hit a girl, I did something worse.

Everyone in our class knew she liked Vamsi. So, I convinced him to pretend to be in relationship with me; to hold my hand and call me sweetie every time she's around in order to make her jealous. For a whole year.

"It wasn't that bad" I defended.

"Bad?" he laughed "She changed school next year"

"Are you complaining now?" I questioned with a glare.

He shook his head biting his lip "My only complaint was selecting the wrong endearment"

"What's wrong with sweetie?"

He snickered "Anybody who knows you will agree with me that you are anything but sweet"

I bit my lip, mumbling slowly "I can be"

He shook his head with a smile "You are a freaking Amazon, Anju! Calling you sweet would be like an insult"

I smiled "Is that a compliment?"

"Yes but that's not what we were discussing" he reminded.

"Fine! I guess you are right. We both did things on our own sometimes but I didn't hide anything from you"

"Do you seriously think I wouldn't know you're behind Prof. Srinivas' mishaps?" He said furiously.

Oops. I totally forgot about that.

"How did you know?"

He arched his eyebrows "That's not the point. I told you to inform me so we can do it together; whatever 'it' is"

"No. You would've told me how doing a wrong thing to a wrong person wouldn't make it right. Or some bullshit like that" I responded bitchily.

"And you would have convinced me with your stubbornness"

"Fine! I am sorry"

"You would have been thrown out of college if found out"

"Then guess I did good" I said proudly.

"You don't get it!" His voice rose as he spoke with irritation evident in his voice "I'd have stood guard while you did crazy things but no, you act without second thoughts. As usual"

"You'd also have been expelled if we both were found out"

"And it'd have been alright!" He screamed impatiently "As long as we stick together. What will I tell your parents if something happened to you?"

"You are not responsible for me" I said impatiently.

He closed his eyes unable to control his anger. When he opened them a minute later, his breathing turned regular and he looked much calmer.

He hesitated, then reached out and lightly touched my cheek with his fingertips "You just know how to get on my nerves. Don't you?"

The slightest intimate touch of his fingertips made my skin tingle and the look on his face made my heart race. Right this moment, there's nothing I want more than to have his lips against mine.

His voice is feather light as he continued "I take my eyes off you for a minute, you end up brawling with a senior. You start a fight when I am being tended on field and get yourself hurt worse than me. You even forget your lunch box when I'm not by your side"

Something flickered in his eyes before he spoke "I feel responsible for you, Anju"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just am"

It's not that I didn't know Vamsi cared for me but the last couple of weeks did a number on me. What happened today is an eye opener, in more ways than one.

I can't let him break off what he has with Nisha for my own selfish reasons. He too deserves a friend who puts him first.

"Then you have to know that I feel responsible for you and can't let you break things off with Nisha"

In years to come, I may regret this decision but right now, I know I am doing the right thing.

"It's not up to you. I----"

"It is. When I'm the reason you want to----"

"You are not. I'm responsible because it's my decision"

"Not when I'm in the middle of this" I countered.

"You don't get it, Anju. There may come a time in future when I have to choo-----"

"Choose her" I announced, surprising myself and him.

"Anju" He looked gloomy as his fingers lightly massaged my cheek "I can't hurt you. Again"

I snorted "Oh please. You know me! I'm stronger than that"

When I thought he'd call my bluff, he gave a sad smile and connected our foreheads "But I am not."

This is the closest I have ever been to him; the closest I can ever be. Not only is that depressing but feeling his warm breath against my face isn't helping when all I want to do is close that distance.

When he tried to pull away, I said "Promise me"

He stilled "What?"

"That you'll do it"

"Anju" The torment in his voice tugged at my heartstrings "Please don't ask that of me"

"You have to!"

"Why?"

Because I love you. And I don't want to be the reason for your unhappiness.

"That's the right thing to do" I answered instead.

"No"

"Promise me!" I said louder this time.

"Anju..."

"Promise me, Vamsi. So if things ever go wrong between you guys, I won't have to carry the guilt"

"Anju"

"I am serious Vamsi. Promise me!"

"Alright. But can you promise that our friendship will always be the same?"

Against my better judgement, I agreed "Fine"

We stayed silent for several minutes. For the first time in my life, I did the most selfless thing a person can do but instead of feeling proud, I feel like I lost a battle.

"What are we going to do?" he asked when I stood up to leave.

"I am going to continue my search for partner. You are going to prepare for the competition with Nisha"

"I'll talk to Nisha. We can team up instead"

I shook my head stubbornly.

Seeing that I've made up my mind, he finally said "I saw your notice. You don't have much time"

"I have enough. I can still find somebody"

"All the best"

"Start preparing for the competition. There's no time and I don't want a weak competitor" I said in a teasing tone "Friend or not, I'm going to kick your ass"

"Give it up" he provoked as a smile teased on his lips "It's impossible to find a partner now"

I walked away with a smile on my face. Things are alright between us. For now.

When a counter thought crossed my mind, I turned around to face him "Don't ever tell me to give up. It only makes me want to do it more" 

-------

Thank you for reading. Vote, comment and share if you like this chap.

This may be the longest chapter in this book. And I hope, it explained things. Somewhat. 

When I get angry, I have no control over what I say. I just can't stop my mouth and it's like my brain is on a vacation in Hawaii.

I say and do things that I don't mean. At all.

But when things settle, I feel extremely guilty. 

- JANAKI