"This is so exciting! The last time I was backstage at a concert, I got kicked out!"

"Were you...supposed to be back there?"

"Oh, I wasn't supposed to be at the concert at all. I sneaked in. But that's impossible these days, now that they have cameras and security guys everywhere...Ooh, a keyboard!" Alex let go of Jerry's sleeve and practically ran to sit at the tiny bench behind the keyboard that had been set up in one corner of the room.

"Can you play?" Jerry asked as he followed at a slower pace, seeming amused at Alex's excitement.

"Only a few songs. I mean I don't know the notes or anything like that, just how to play some stuff. Here, I got a song for you." Alex looked up and down the keyboard and almost timidly placed her hands on it, taking a deep breath before beginning to play You Really Got A Hold On Me. "I don't like you..."

She stopped and Jerry asked, "aren't you gonna keep going?"

"No, that's it. I don't like you," Alex deadpanned. But she couldn't hold her poker face for long, and as soon as it melted away she resumed. "But I love you. There, that's it because I forgot the rest of the lyrics. Is there a bass around here? I wanna see if I remember Eight Days A Week."

Alex did not remember how to play Eight Days A Week, and the realization of that fact caused her to lose interest in the bass. Jerry noticed and immediately brought a guitar over. "What about this? Can you play this?"

"Uh, no. I wish I could." Alex looked up at him. "Teach me something."

Jerry blinked and nodded. "Uh...like what?"

"The easiest song you can think of."

"Alright, um...do this." He made an awkward shape with his hand, unsure of how else to go about teaching someone a chord.

Alex laughed. "What are you even doing? Come here." She reached out and grabbed his elbow, pulling him down to sit next to her on the bench. She put a hand on the guitar's neck, trying to copy what he'd done with his hand. "Like that?"

"Close." He hesitantly lifted a hand, proceeding to gently move the incorrectly placed finger when she didn't react. "There. Now you just--" He made a quick strumming motion with his right hand, making Alex laugh again.

"You should be a music teacher," she joked, strumming the guitar like he'd said. "Hey, I'm doing it!"

"Wow, you could probably take my place in the band," Jerry said with a grin. "Alright, next chord..."

Alex was almost done learning La Bamba when Sean and Mike came into the rehearsal room looking for Layne. Even though Alex was less than thrilled over the possibility of running into Charlie, she put the guitar down and offered to help look for him. Her methods included impatiently interrogating everyone she happened to see and checking every corner of the venue, and it should come as no surprise that she found him rather quickly. What was a surprise was the fact that Charlie was nowhere to be seen. Hm. "Layne! Sean and Mike are looking for you. They didn't say why, but it sounded important. You should come with me."

Layne rubbed his eye and nodded, following Alex out of the dim room she'd found him in after telling the guys he was with to save him some beer. "Did they say what this is about? Wait, shit, you just told me they didn't. Sorry."

"It's alright. Where's Charlie?"

"Um, I'm not sure. She's mad at me."

"What? Why?"

"Oh, uh, I kind of...y'know..."

"Layne, what did you do?"

"Nothing worth being mad over! I was just...smoking!"

"Smoking cigarettes?"

"Weed..."

Alex turned to Layne with narrowed eyes. "And?"

Layne looked away. "You know..." He passed a hand under his nose and sniffed.

"Are you fucking serious? I thought you said you weren't gonna--"

"I know! I didn't plan to, it was just there and I...look, I know I fucked up. I'd promised Charlie I wasn't gonna do it again, and now--"

"Hold on. What do you mean again?"

"Uh...she saw me and a friend splitting an eightball like the day before her birthday party. I didn't think it would be a big deal but she got pissed and we had an actual fight over it. I said sorry to her at the party and told her I wasn't going to go near the stuff again, and then I went and did just that."

"How'd she find out?"

"Probably the fact that when I first saw her earlier I looked like a kid struggling to eat a powdered sugar donut."

Alex face-palmed so hard it actually hurt. "Lord, help him. Relieve him of his stupidity, please, before I relieve him of his life."

"It won't happen again, I swear! I know I really messed up. I have to find Charlie now, I have to--"

"LAYNE!" Sean interrupted him, coming up to the pair with his drumsticks in his hand and Mike walking along behind him. "We've been looking for you for a long-ass time now! Where were you?"

"Hanging out. What did you guys--"

"Follow us and we'll explain on the way. Alex, Jo just got here and she asked for you. She's in that room you and Jerry were in. See you later, okay?"

Alex didn't even get to reply before Sean put his hands on Layne's shoulders and steered him away. There was a sick feeling in her stomach and she didn't know if she even wanted to stick around anymore. She felt like crying. Charlie must be in pieces...

"Alex? Are you okay?" Jo asked when Alex wandered back into the room, probably looking like a lost zombie.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm good. Is the, uh, is the..." Alex trailed off before shaking her head and trying again. "Is the show gonna start soon?"

"Yeah, that's why we came looking for you," Jo explained. "We should head out now."

"Can you hang out after the show?" Alex asked Jerry.

"I'm not sure...come back here when it's over and we'll see."

"Yeah, um...sounds good."

✩✩✩

The concert was amazing. Every band that played killed and the friends watching it all had the best time doing so. The only one who couldn't fully enjoy herself was Alex; try as she might, she wasn't able to forget what she'd found out, and she couldn't stop thinking about Charlie.

It's time, she thought to herself at some point during the show. I'm just gonna apologize. I'm doing being childish and stupid. I miss Charlie and I know this whole thing with Layne has to be killing her...I need to make sure she's okay.

As soon as the concert was over, Alex ran backstage in search of the AIC guys. Unfortunately, it seemed she was out of luck.

"They had to go pack up. They're gone, sweetheart," the security guy explained.

"What? But Jerry said...but I...you mean they're not coming back?"

"That's right. Sorry, but the schedule's tight; they got a show in another city tomorrow. Someone else's already packin' up for the other bands."

"Oh." Alex didn't even try to hide her disappointment. "I understand. Rockstar life, am I right?"

"Yeah, y'are. It's tough. Wouldn't recommend it to anyone who wants to live a peaceful life."

Alex nodded. "Well, thank you. Good night, sir."

"And to you."

Well, if she couldn't see the guys again, she should find Charlie. She knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't stick around, and if she dug just a little deeper into her mind's file on Charlie, she would find that she had a pretty good idea of where to look. Hoping she wasn't wrong, she took off running.

Her first guess had been exact--she found Charlie leaning against the outer wall of a slightly crowded little restaurant close to their childhood homes. Cars cruised up the road at an unrushed speed and little groups of people made their way up and down the street, along with the occasional couple and rare loner. As Alex drew nearer, she could hear Ritchie Valens's Donna drifting out of the restaurant's open doors.

"Charlie! Hey, Charlie!"

Charlie lifted her head and Alex noticed she had a cigarette in her mouth and tears running down her cheeks.

"Charlie..." Alex finally reached her and stopped, putting her hands on her knees as she caught her breath. "Listen, I'm--"

"I'm not in the mood to talk," Charlie said in a soft voice. "Please just leave me alone."

"Wait, I'm just here to say I'm--"

"I'm serious. Go away, Alex. I want to be by myself."

"You're standing outside a restaurant. That's not exactly the place to be when you don't want to be around other people."

"Don't tell me what I know," Charlie snapped. "I have my reasons for being here."

"Yeah, so do I. Will you let me talk? I'm trying to tell you that I'm s--"

"I don't care! What part of 'leave me alone' don't you understand?"

"I'm trying to tell you that I'm sorry, you idiot! I know what's going on and you know that I know better than anyone what you're going through. Please just let me be here for you!"

Charlie looked Alex in the eyes for the first time since she'd gotten there and said, "I don't need nor want you to be. Leave. I'm not fucking kidding."

"What are you gonna do if I don't, Charlie?" Alex yelled, throwing her arms out.

"Fuck--just get lost! Go bother someone else and let me be in peace."

Alex shook her head and looked at the doorway of the restaurant as a new song began to play. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her jeans and turned to go. "Fine. I tried."

Charlie was silent as Alex walked away, feeling that Tom Jones's It's Not Unusual was the absolute worst song that could've come on then.

Alex walked for a while, a hideous numb feeling in her chest and that stupid Tom Jones song playing in her head as she made her way toward an apartment she'd previously sworn to never return to. Her hand was heavy when she reached up to knock on that cursed door, and her tongue seemed to be stuck to the roof of her mouth when she tried to explain her reason for being there.

"Well?"

"I don't really know why I'm here," she failed to explain. "I don't know whether I want to feel something or not."

"Either way, you've come to the right place."

✩✩✩

Maura--yes, that Maura--was surprised to see Alex Kinney show up at Janet's apartment, but she didn't felt the need to make a scene (for once). She kept quiet and observed as Alex and Janet exchanged a few words before Janet led Alex into the living room and had her sit on the old black leather couch while she went into the kitchen for something.

She stared at Alex as if waiting for her to turn her head and look her way, but she never did. She seemed completely disinterested in her surroundings, keeping her eyes still and unfocused.

"So, what can I get you?" Janet asked as she walked back into the room carrying a bottle. "I've got Jack to start, but I get the feeling this isn't what you're after."

Alex shook her head but took the bottle when it was held out to her. "I'm not sure yet. Got anything new?"

Janet sat on the little table in front of the couch and lit a cigarette. "A few new things. But I don't know if I'd recommend them to you. Aren't you supposed to be on the straight and narrow?"

"Not anymore. And it's not like I ever got around to quitting drinking and smoking anyway."

"Yeah...but I would stick to the classics if I were you."

"Fine. Get me something classic."

"Alright. Wait here for a second." Janet left the room and Maura took that moment to speak up.

"What are you doing here, Alex?"

"What makes you think it's your business?" Alex didn't show any sign of surprise at hearing Maura's voice. She didn't even look up.

"Hey, I'm just curious. It's not like I'm gonna go around telling people about it."

"Yeah, okay. I feel like pure fucking worthless shit, much like I imagine you usually do, and I need something to get my mind off it. That's why I'm here."

"I'm gonna ignore that insult because I'm still curious. What's got you that fucking depressed? Did Chris dump you?"

"That was a lie. I can't believe you bought that."

"Huh. I don't know...it was hard to tell, what with the way he looked at you."

"Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about. We were just messing around."

"You two are messing around?"

"You know that's not what I meant."

"Yeah, I just wanted to make you mad. Wait, does that mean you're not over Andy after all?"

Alex visibly tensed, making Maura laugh. "Fuck off. Mind your own fucking business."

"Aw, I'm sorry if I hit a nerve. I take it back."

"Here you are, Alex," Janet said, finally coming back into the room. "You know what to do with it, right?"

"You act like I'm some kid who just happened to stumble in here after hearing you have weed. Of course I know what to do," Alex replied, taking what Janet was holding out to her and studying it for a moment before slipping it into her pocket. "How much is it?"

"Aw, you can have it for free. Consider it a gift from a friend."

Maura could just see Alex struggling to refrain from telling Janet that they weren't friends.

"Sure. Thanks." Alex stood up and headed for the door. "Mind telling me where the nearest bar is? I heard Tiff's closed down since I was last here."

"Yeah, but there's a new one now. Maura can show you. It's kind of hard to find and I'm too high to be giving out directions."

"Yeah, I'll walk you," Maura said before Alex could decline. "I need to talk to someone there anyway."

Very long story short, Maura said something particularly infuriating to Alex while at the bar and they got into a fight and were thrown out. So instead of spending the evening having a drink in the bar, they were sitting outside on the sidewalk in the almost uncomfortably hot night.

"Thanks a fucking lot," Alex said to Maura as she stood up, finally having regained her breath. "See you around."

"Where are you going?" Maura called after her, struggling to her own feet.

"Somewhere you won't be."

"Hey, you punched me and it still hurts! You should at least let me have a cigarette."

"Don't you have your own?"

"I'm all out. Come on, let me have one. I know you always carry some."

Alex rolled her eyes but took her pack of cigarettes out. She extracted one with her fingers and held it out to Maura before taking another out with her teeth and putting the box away in favor of her lighter.

"What, no light for me?" Maura asked when Alex started to put the lighter away. Again, Alex looked annoyed, but she reopened the lighter and ignited the flame, holding it out to let Maura lean close and light her cigarette.

"Alright. I guess I'll see you around."

"Wait." For some strange reason, Maura didn't feel that they were done yet. "Seriously, where are you going?"

She could see the exact moment Alex decided she was too tired to keep up the anger. "I don't know. I'll probably just walk around town for a while and then go home."

"I'm coming with you."

"What? No. Why?"

"I'm living at Janet's for now and I don't wanna go back yet. This is the most exciting time I've had in a while."

"Glad to see I was of use to you," Alex sneered, her attitude returning.

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm just saying that even though you fucking hit me, I'm kind of having a good time. You're not totally dead inside--unlike Janet."

"Typical of you to say. Why don't you go and say that to her?"

"Never mind, you're not getting what I'm saying. Just shut up and walk. I got somewhere we can go."

It was obvious that Alex was less than eager to go anywhere with Maura, but she didn't argue. They walked up the Seattle streets together, and when Maura had fully smoked her cigarette, Alex silently lit and gave her another.

✩✩✩

"My first convertible, baby! Alright, where do you guys wanna go?" Stone revved the engine of his new car and happily looked up at his friends.

"To the nearest bar! Wait, that's illegal. Uh...the zoo! No, that's depressing. Let's go to...um...I got nothing," Alex admitted, motioning for Stone to put the top of the car down. Once it was out of the way, Alex jumped over the back door and into the warm black leather backseat.

"You're so dramatic," Andy said as he opened the passenger door, unable to keep from smiling.

"It's called having style," Alex said, reaching around the driver's seat to carefully lift Stone's sunglasses off his face and place them onto hers. "You should try it."

"That's mean, Alex," Charlie piped up, walking around to the other side of the car and opening the door to get in and sit next to Alex.

"Hey, it's not like I said it to you. I love your style, Charlie."

"Aw, that's beautiful," Andy said, pressing his hands together and fluttering his lashes. "Well, where are we going?"

"To the airport, and then to Hawaii! Oh, I don't have a passport. Wait, I got it! Let's--"

"Alex, I think you've established that you can't actually think of anything feasible," Stone said. Alex reached out and smacked his arm.

"Let's just cruise for a bit," Charlie suggested.

"But I'll run out of gas. I can't afford to pay for much more--do I look like I'm made of money?"

"Kind of," Alex said, leaning over to study him. "Now listen to Charlie, fool."

He narrowed his eyes but nodded. Despite his attitude seeming to say otherwise, Stone was happy to simply drive around. "Hey Alex, do you have any tapes on you?"

"Hm..." Alex opened her backpack and looked inside. "Shit. I only have my Beatles mix."

"Why are you acting like that's a problem? Hand it over."

Alex grinned passed the tape up to Andy, who turned it over in search of a label and popped it into the player when he didn't find one. "What songs are on it?"

"Listen and find out."

It was halfway through All My Loving. Alex and Charlie began lip-synching to the song right away, stopping to laugh at each other when they realized they'd both had the exact same reaction to the music. Eight Days a Week was the next song on the tape, and none of the four in the car could resist singing along to that. Everything about that moment was perfect, Alex realized as she looked around at her friends and listened to the way they each tried to match their voice up with one Beatle or another. She was filled with so much love for them she thought she'd explode.

Alex and Charlie each put one arm around the other and waved their free arms in the air as they sang along to the song with all the joy in the world. A nice breeze made sure their hair wouldn't obscure their vision, and they were especially thankful for that right then because the way the sun was reflecting off the water in Elliott Bay was something they definitely wouldn't have wanted to miss.

✩✩✩

Never in a million years could Alex have predicted that she'd ever be voluntarily spending any time with Maura, and yet there she was, staring down at moon's reflection on the waters of Elliott Bay with Maura sitting next to her on the cold concrete bench.

"Hey, Alex," Maura said, breaking a period of silence that had been nearing six minutes.

"Hm?"

"I take back what I said in the bar."

"Hm."

"Can I ask you something?"

"You're gonna ask anyway, aren't you?"

"Probably, yeah."

"Then go ahead."

"Do you blame me?"

"For the fight? Yeah."

"You know that's not what I was talking about."

Alex nodded and sighed, keeping her eyes on the water. "Yeah, I know. Um, I used to. I wanted to be able to blame someone, and you just seemed like the easiest person to accuse." She put her hand in her pocket and felt for her lighter, running her thumb up and down the cool steel as she thought. "Now I have a question for you."

"What?"

"Why didn't you turn him away? We asked you to and you had to have known something would happen if he kept using, but you kept letting him have what he wanted."

Maura was quiet for a moment. "I honestly don't know. He was...persuasive. He'd show up and be all 'this is the last time I'll ever come to you for this' and it would be hard to think he was lying, even though he kept coming back. And honestly, I was too drunk and high twenty-four seven to notice something was wrong, and maybe too far gone to even care."

"Yeah. That's why I don't blame you anymore. I don't expect you to have known what was going on, and I know you were going through your own shit." Alex's eyes finally left the water, shifting first to her boots and then to the small tear in her jeans. "But God, it's hard to forget the sight of that yellow paper and thinking there's only one person in Seattle who uses yellow paper to package."

There was another short bit of silence.

"I'm sorry," Maura blurted. Alex was so surprised she turned to her and raised her eyebrows. "Seriously. I was a real defensive asshole even though I knew you had to have been going through hell. Fuck, I can't believe what a piece of shit I've been. I really am sorry. To you and Charlie and...everyone else."

"Well..." Alex wasn't sure how to respond.

"You don't have to say anything. I would never forgive me if I were you. I just want you to know that I apologize. I would take it all back if I could."

"It's too late for that," Alex said with a bitter laugh, "but then again...it always is. That's what apologizing's all about, isn't it? Anyway, I forgive you."

"Wait, for real?"

Alex nodded as she took out her last two cigarettes. She gave Maura the lucky one.

✩✩✩

"Of course I know what to do," Alex said to herself as she stared at her 'gift' from Janet. "Of course I do."

The sun had just set, and every light in the apartment was off. That was probably for the best; with the lights on, it was easy to see how things had gone downhill there. The living room alone looked like a landfill. Empty pizza and takeout boxes littered the floor and the surface of the coffee table was hard to see because bottles and cans originally full of various types of alcoholic beverages covered nearly every inch of it. It looked like a frat house after a party.

Having moved to sit on her bedroom floor with her back against the closed door, Alex thought that would be the perfect time for a song. And she knew just what she wanted to sing.

"Lucky I'm sane after all I've been through," she began in a soft voice, "I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."

She felt her mouth turn up in a crooked smile and looked toward the open window. The sounds of people on the street reached her ears and she closed her eyes, imagining for a moment that she was down there too. In her imagination, she was with a friend, but she couldn't really tell who it was. She looked and tried to see their face, but it was blurring in and out of focus. It was Andy...no, Charlie...And then the person faded away and Alex was left running up and down the streets in a desperate search for her companion. She opened her eyes after a minute and looked toward the window, eyeing the moon as she slowly sang, "life's been good to me so far."

✩✩✩

remember Maura?! *crickets*
okay, yes, i have some explaining to do. i haven't updated ANYTHING since quarantine started; i haven't even come on wattpad tbh. but i've been dealing with some stuff and hey, i graduated high school! anyway, i'm back now and i'm gonna be writing more because this definitely got me my mojo back. it was emo, but it'll start getting better now.

also, how are you guys? it really has been a while and the world is in a state of chaos right now; i hope you're all doing okay!

i'll be going now...don't think it's been so long that i'll forget to remind you to stay safe, drink enough water, have fun, listen to a nice song or two or three or more, be what you wanna be, and stay sober for Layne, who's about to get his ass beat by gracie--i mean, charlie...

oh, and watch Avatar: The Last Airbender and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood and The Flash (2014). and stan Roy Mustang. okay now i'm going for real...i'll look at comments and other messages and such in a couple of hours. love you all<3