jake had just left to hang out with a group of friends. he had invited me, but i had decided i didn't feel up for it.

we had been married for a year now, and i had yet to open the box from my dad. i had the photo of him hanging on the wall of my bedroom. we had pictures of dad all over the house, because without him, i wouldn't be here.

my fingers trembled as i lifted the top of the box. on top was a piece of paper, "lovebug" scrawled in his handwriting.

underneath were over a dozen envelopes, either "alaya" or "lovebug" labeled on them. i glanced at the back of the paper quickly, noticing something written on the back.

"read them from the bottom to the top. love you lovebug!"

i inhaled a shaky breath before lifting the bottom letter.

alaya-

my baby girl. hey, it's me, your screw up dad. i'm sorry if i ever mess everything up. i'm sorry if i'm not good enough. but just know, that i love you baby. you were born today. i can see you in your small glass bed. you're sleeping. your perfect face looks so content and angelic. if only i could look that perfect when i sleep. i don't think i'm gonna get much sleep today.

i lost your mom today, lovebug. you are all that i have left. and i'm all you have. but that's okay, we have each other, right? i promise that i will be as good to you as humanly possible, and that you will have the best life i can give you.

no matter what happens baby girl, just know that i love you. so, so much. i wanna give you my all, everything i can give to you that's good in the world. because you deserve it, lovebug. you are perfect.

i love you to the moon and back, lovebug.

love, daddy.

I couldn't hold back the tears. i cried and cried into my hands, moving the precious note to the side so i didn't get it wet with my tears.

"why did you go dad?" i sobbed. "i still need you!"

i didn't want to continue. but i knew i had to. i grabbed the second note.

alaya-

i took you home today. the room your mom and i had all planned out is perfect for you. i'm hoping that you like it, but i know the real necessities for you are pooping and eating and sleeping. you don't really care about a room yet.

you have beautiful blue eyes, lovebug. the doctor told be they will probably change at some point. whatever color your eyes may turn out to be, just know that you are beautiful, okay baby girl?

the one thing i must say that i hate about parenting though baby, is hearing your cry. take this as a note: never cry. it's the most heartbreaking thing i have ever heard. i don't wanna hear that my girl is in pain.

but, no matter if you cry or not, you are perfect, lovebug.

i love you!

love, daddy

i couldn't hold myself together. i knew i treated dad so horribly as i got older, and i wasn't looking forward to reading those.

i read through more and more letters, my vision becoming foggy with all of the tears. i read through the ones where i was older and started ignoring him.

i regretted everything.

dad had done nothing but support me, but i was too much of a stuck up, spoiled brat to realize it or be thankful.

i hated myself.

i wanted to throw myself against a wall repeatedly.

i destroyed my relationship with my father, and i can't apologize. he's gone, and i can't do anything about it.

i reached the last letters.

alaya-

today is my fiftieth birthday. you and jake came over, and the reunion between us, calum, luke, and michael was beautiful.

michael keeps teasing me about how i'm so old, and i keep telling him to screw off.

jake came up to me while you were in the bathroom. he asked me a very serious question.

lovebug, he's gonna propose.

love, dad

alaya-

you came to me today with tears of joy. the love of your life proposed to you.

you're getting married, lovebug.

you hugged me tightly and i embraced you. we were both crying.

why?

because i have to let you go, lovebug. you're no longer mine. i have to give you away to a man that i trust. i don't know if i'm ready.

but i've loved seeing you grow. i'm excited to walk you down the isle, in your gorgeous gown.

i won't lie, my dream has always been to see you all grown up, walking down the isle to the love of your life. you'll be gorgeous, lovebug.

i love you!

love, dad

i began to cry again. dad never fulfilled his dreams. i never said goodbye.

i pulled out a random notebook from the coffee table and began scribbling.

dad-

i'm so sorry. i'm so so sorry. i was the worst daughter you could have ever had, and you deserved none of what i put you through. i never should have complained to you. i never should have asked you for more. you gave me enough.

you were enough for me, dad. i was just so blinded by the world and society.

i'm so grateful that i had you as my father. i didn't deserve someone like you in my life.

i never got to say goodbye to you. i never got to say that i love you again.

people always say that one of the worst thoughts is that you never know the last time you pick up your child.

i think one of the worst feelings is not knowing when the last time you get to hug your parent is.

i hate that the only thing that has opened up my eyes is losing you. you deserved so much better.

i had a baby. a baby boy. his name is fletcher. he has your eyes.

i call him lovebug now, because i don't know what else i could call him. nothing else feels right.

i love you dad. i always will. i'll see you on the other side.

love, lovebug

i hate myself for writing this book. just an fyi, i full on sobbed writing this chapter. that's why it took so long. sorry about that.

love you!!