[ caluminthehood is online ]

[ caluminthehood added hemmotional and cliffoconda to the chat ]

caluminthehood: guys help me

hemmotional: with what

cliffoconda: how can we help you

caluminthehood: i wanna talk to ash but i'm scared
caluminthehood: he's so fragile rn and i don't wanna hurt him anymore

cliffoconda: what are you planning on saying to him

hemmotional: and when

caluminthehood: well as soon as possible
caluminthehood: he's the love of my life
caluminthehood: and i kinda just wanna tell him that i'm sorry
caluminthehood: and i want him to be better

hemmotional: i say go for it man
hemmotional: it won't get better unless you try

cliffoconda: yeah tbh just talk to him
cliffoconda: say what's on your mind

caluminthehood: normally i would
caluminthehood: but i can feel us drifting apart
caluminthehood: i can feel our relationship changing and i know its not for the better
caluminthehood: i can't lose him
caluminthehood: he's my everything

cliffoconda: i'm sorry dude
cliffoconda: i've never seen ash happier than when he's with you
cliffoconda: and i want you guys to be happy and be together forever

hemmotional: but maybe you guys aren't meant to be

cliffoconda: not helping lu

hemmotional: sorry kitten

caluminthehood: i wish our relationship was still like yours
caluminthehood: you seem so happy
caluminthehood: you never fight & you love each other so much

hemmotional: yes i do love mikey more than anything

cliffoconda: yeah i second that

hemmotional: but we fight
hemmotional: over some of the dumbest shit
hemmotional: and all the time

cliffoconda: yeah
cliffoconda: & not just the i love you more fights
cliffoconda: which happen a lot

hemmotional: yeah because i love you more

cliffoconda: no i love you more 😡

caluminthehood: :(

hemmotional: turn that frown upside down

caluminthehood: the "(" wouldn't change due to its horizontal symmetry
caluminthehood: so :(

hemmotional: reflect that frown over the vertical axis

caluminthehood: ):

hemmotional: now rotate that frown around the point at its center

caluminthehood: :)

hemmotional: perfect

caluminthehood: i'm still not happy but that did make me smile a little bit

hemmotional: good

cliffoconda: wow cake is such a cute bromance
cliffoconda: i love ❤❤

caluminthehood: yeah i mean we have known each other forever

cliffoconda: same with me & ash
cliffoconda: as long as i can remember

hemmotional: cupcake you're my everything and ily a lot but you have the memory of a goldfish

cliffoconda: i didn't ask to get called out like that???

hemmotional: sorry love

caluminthehood: i'm still right here

hemmotional: cally
hemmotional: my best friend
hemmotional: my partner in crime

caluminthehood: what do you want

hemmotional: i'm gonna be blunt
hemmotional: stop being a cowardly dumbass and go get your man
hemmotional: nothing is gonna get better unless you do something about it

cliffoconda: yes
cliffoconda: ash is the gorgeous talented glue that holds us together
cliffoconda: don't let him go
cliffoconda: i know you wanna give up, i know that shit hurts right now
cliffoconda: and i know that you're sad and hopeless
cliffoconda: but i also know that you need each other
cliffoconda: you're his everything
cliffoconda: and i know for a FACT that he's your everything

hemmotional: exactly

cliffoconda: so please fix this
cliffoconda: because we all love him and we need him to get better

hemmotional: y'all gonna fight & wish the other person would just disappear for a while
hemmotional: but i know you two
hemmotional: which means i know you'll have awesome makeup sex and forget about it eventually

caluminthehood: i mean,,,,
caluminthehood: you're not wrong

cliffoconda:

caluminthehood: why?

cliffoconda: y'all are so kinky it makes me sick

hemmotional: what is it even like for you two

caluminthehood: what, sex?

hemmotional: yeah

caluminthehood: don't you think that's a bit personal

cliffoconda: just tell us cal

caluminthehood: okay well
caluminthehood: sometimes he treats me like i'm porcelain
caluminthehood: vvvv sweet and gentle y'know
caluminthehood: and then other times its 😏😏😏
caluminthehood: i get bruises
caluminthehood: but i love it

cliffoconda: broski
cliffoconda: doesn't that hurt

caluminthehood: yeah that's the point smarty pants
caluminthehood: i like being hurt

hemmotional: my goodness cally
hemmotional: i was under the impression you were a child of god

caluminthehood: what made you think that
caluminthehood: me & ash are hardly anything but kinky
caluminthehood: everything about him is just perfect
caluminthehood: and his hands oh my god 🤤🤤🤤
caluminthehood: hnsndnsjdj

cliffoconda: do we need to give you some alone time

caluminthehood: nonono
caluminthehood: do NOT leave me alone
caluminthehood: bad things will happen

cliffoconda: shit we distracted you
cliffoconda: go talk to him

caluminthehood: right okay
caluminthehood: i can do this

hemmotional: yes you can

cliffoconda: you've got this bro bro

caluminthehood: FUCK no i don't
caluminthehood: i'm gonna fuck something up and he's gonna leave me

cliffoconda: you seriously think he could leave you
cliffoconda: don't be fuckin stupid cal
cliffoconda: please just talk to him
cliffoconda: he's been crying for hours man
cliffoconda: he needs you
cliffoconda: he tried to lock himself in his room but i made him stay in the living room
cliffoconda: he won't let me near him and i've been listening to him cry forever

caluminthehood: pls hug him for me mikey

cliffoconda: of course bub
cliffoconda: as soon as he let's me

hemmotional: now go get your fucking man cal
hemmotional: you're gonna be okay

caluminthehood: yeah
caluminthehood: thanks
caluminthehood: i love you guys

hemmotional: love you too man

cliffoconda: love you ❤❤

[ caluminthehood left the chat ]

hemmotional: he doesn't ask how we are though 😕

cliffoconda: they're going through something lu
cliffoconda: it kinda matters more what they are feeling
cliffoconda: plus i'm here for you 💕😡

hemmotional: i know, cupcake

cliffoconda: good

hemmotional: sigh
hemmotional: it's kinda exhausting being the group therapist

-

caluminthehood: hi my love

[ astroash is online ]

astroash: hi angel

caluminthehood: i'm so sorry for everything i've put you through
caluminthehood: everything that's gone wrong between us has been my fault, and i know its not okay
caluminthehood: i know you're not okay
caluminthehood: but i really want to make you better
caluminthehood: and i feel stupid for asking this, but what can i do to help?

astroash: i um
astroash: i don't know cally
astroash: this isn't all your fault

caluminthehood: yes it is

astroash: i was broken long before i met you
astroash: and you've kept me alive this long
astroash: but maybe it's just my time to go

caluminthehood: SHUT THE FUCK UP
caluminthehood: you made me fall in love with your dumbass
caluminthehood: you don't get to leave me alone

astroash: :(

caluminthehood: i know its selfish of me baby
caluminthehood: but i'm nothing without you
caluminthehood: and i don't know what i'd do if you weren't here

astroash: you would be okay

caluminthehood: no i wouldn't

astroash: you would live

caluminthehood: i wouldn't want to

astroash: there's no way you love & care about me that much

caluminthehood: goddamnit ash
caluminthehood: how do you not see?
caluminthehood: i love you more than anything

astroash: i just find it hard to believe

caluminthehood: you're so difficult sometimes

astroash: i'm insecure and sad

caluminthehood: i know
caluminthehood: so how do i make it better?

astroash: i don't know

caluminthehood: well what the fuck ash
caluminthehood: i don't know what i'm supposed to do to make you feel okay again
caluminthehood: and you won't help me and you're not trying at all
caluminthehood: kinda makes me feel awful because you already sound like you've given up and i'm not ready to let you go yet

astroash: i'm sorry cal

caluminthehood: my love, you have nothing to be sorry for
caluminthehood: but please let me help
caluminthehood: i want us to be normal again ash
caluminthehood: this hurts so bad

astroash: do you seriously think you're in more pain than i am

caluminthehood: it's not about who's in more pain
caluminthehood: we're both hurting

astroash: yeah

caluminthehood: i just wanna get back to us ash
caluminthehood: we used to have more

astroash: yeah um
astroash: i don't wanna talk anymore

caluminthehood: oh okay
caluminthehood: did i do something to make you hate me?

astroash: i don't hate you and it's stupid of you to think that i could
astroash: but i need time to think
astroash: you want to know how to help, i need time to figure it out
astroash: okay?

caluminthehood: yeah

astroash: i'm sorry
astroash: i hope i don't make you wait long for an answer
astroash: but i really don't know

caluminthehood: okay
caluminthehood: i love you ashton

astroash: bye cal

[ astroash is offline ]

[ caluminthehood is offline ]

-

As soon as Ashton had logged off, Calum broke into tears.

Ashton wouldn't let him help, Ashton wouldn't talk to him, he was growing more distant by the day and really only answering in single word sentences.

Calum knew he wasn't getting better.

Just as how Michael was taking care of Ashton, Luke was there to check up on Calum. (Michael and Luke had agreed upon it, and Calum didn't have enough energy to argue).

Calum sat, curled up on the sofa, wearing one of Ashton's hoodies, (because it was the only way he had left to feel close to him) as hot tears streamed down his face.

He felt like a complete idiot.

Luke sat down beside him and pulled Calum into his lap, letting Calum cling to him like a child as he sobbed.

"What happened, Cally?" Luke used a soft voice to soothe Calum as best he could, but Calum was way past being calmed down.

"He d-doesn't love me." Calum cried quietly. "A-and it hurts so b-bad."

"Of course he loves you, what made you think otherwise?" Luke brought a dainty hand up to Calum's hair and began combing through it.

"If h-he loves m-me, why w-won't he say i-it to me?"

Luke let out a tired sigh. "I don't know how I know, but I'm sure, whatever he said or didn't say, whatever he did or didn't do, it isn't your fault. He loves you more than anything, Cal."

"Why a-am I not good e-enough?" Calum quietly asked, grabbing handfuls of Luke's shirt. "What d-did I do w-wrong?"

"Nothing, I promise. You've done nothing wrong." It was a lie, but Calum needed to hear it. And in this moment, he hadn't done anything wrong.

Calum buried his face in Luke's shoulder. "Lu..."

"Yes?"

"I-If this is w-what its gonna be l-like forever.." He paused and sniffled, "If this is l-love, I d-don't want it a-anymore."

And Luke swore he felt his heart shatter.

-

When Ashton had logged off, the first thing he did was go to get a drink.

Michael was alarmed, of course, but thought nothing of it because it looked as though Ashton was only getting water.

Unfortunately, he was not.

They weren't supposed to have any alcohol in the house, but Ashton had hid some a long time ago, and Michael had yet to find it.

He slowly walked over to his cabinet, pulled out a glass and the bottle, poured himself a shot and downed it greedily.

He did this twice more before Michael became suspicious.

"Ash?" He called from the sofa, brows furrowed in confusion.

"Yeah?" Ashton replied gruffly.

"What are you doing?"

"Nothin'." Ashton mumbled much too innocently.

Michael stood up quickly and walked over to where Ashton stood before Ashton had a chance to hide any of it.

He grabbed ahold of the glass tightly and Ashton cowered away from him.

"I'm gonna ask again." Michael muttered slowly. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Having a drink." Ashton whispered shakily. "I needed something to make it stop, Mike."

"That's not a fucking excuse!" Michael's voice began to grow louder. "Why the fuck am I even here if you're just gonna get drunk and hurt yourself more?"

Ashton wrung his hands together nervously and bit his lip.

"Listen, someone needs to tell you this." Michael took a deep breath, then began, "You have so many people who love and care about you, Ashton. We know you're hurting, and we're trying to make it better, but you won't let us. We all love you so fucking much, but you're hurting us, too!"

Ashton tried to interrupt, but Michael continued, "The love of your life is crying himself to sleep right now in my boyfriends arms because you won't tell him that you love him!"

Ashton's throat closed and his bottom lip trembled.

"We want to help you get better, but your pain is not an excuse to make us feel like worthless pieces of shit!"

Ashton pinched his eyes shut and let out a soft cry. He leaned his back against the granite countertop and held his head in his hands. His fingertips tugged harshly on his raven-coloured curls and his body shook with each sob.

He hated himself for showing weakness.

"Mikey, I-I'm so s-sorry.."

"You don't need to tell me that. Tell Calum."

Ashton continued to cry. Hot, rapid tears trickled down his cheeks and fell onto his sweater.

Michael watched this awkwardly for a couple minutes before whispering, "Do you need a hug, Ash?"

Ashton let out a louder sob and nodded slowly. In an instant, Michael stepped over and pulled Ashton into his arms.

"I love you, mate." Michael muttered into Ashton's shoulder.

Ashton threw his arms around Michael's waist, "I love y-you too, so much, a-and I don't d-deserve you at a-all."

"You do, I promise."

"No, you've a-always been here f-for me, and I've n-never appreciated y-you."

"Its okay, Ash. You've been through a lot."

"N-no, it's not o-okay. I've been a sh-shitty friend, and an e-even worse b-boyfriend." Ashton sniffled, resting his chin on Michael's shoulder. "You guys d-deserve better than m-me."

"We love you for you, and we're gonna keep fighting for you to stay with us, okay?"

Ashton was suddenly reminded of the dull aching in his head. "Okay."

"You've gotta let us in, though, right?"

Ashton nodded again. His eyes still burned from the tears that continued to fall.

"We can't help if you don't let us in."

Michael was still holding onto Ashton's torso tightly, letting Ashton mumble incoherently and shake in his arms.

"Now will you please go tell Calum that you love him, because I know you do."

Ashton nodded.

"And if you don't love him, and you've done all this to him for nothing, I'm gonna kill you myself, understand?"

Ashton nodded again. "I u-understand."

After a while, they separated. Michael led Ashton to his room after he grabbed his phone, and he made sure Ashton was laying down in bed.

Michael wasn't supposed to leave Ashton alone, but he knew that the older lad would probably talk to Calum over a phone call, which was private.

So Michael left the room and resumed his spot on the sofa, texting Luke about Calum's mental state (which, as assumed, was horrible.)

He was still crying into Luke's shoulder, clutching his torso like an infant. Although it might've been uncomfortable for Luke and embarrassing for Calum, neither cared because they just wanted to be together.

And despite everything that he had agreed to do, despite the fact that he wanted to be happy, Ashton did not text Calum.

-

what the fuck ashton

such an asshole

its been a while, i missed y'all

10 days

point out mistakes, i swear i won't be mad

i don't know why i even write these lil notes, no one replies to them

but i love you anyways ♡

-