eighteen, trust

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...

The knocking triggers you these days.

You don't know how long it's been since you've been released from the hospital, but you've been dodging therapy sessions. You have no way to see the date without your phone and laptop and you refuse to use your laptop out of paranoia.

You think Levi came by a couple of times but when someone knocks you break down and cover your ears as tight as you can until you're confident they've gone away.

You don't know why it's gotten this bad. You've been through this before, ... so why are you so scared? You don't remember it being this bad the first time. But then again...

The first time wasn't this time.

Every time you close your eyes, it isn't just Marco you see. It's everyone out to get you. It's everyone you failed.

You've been sleeping a lot...or as much as you can. You don't eat much or even have much to eat. Which you know is your fault. But you can't bring yourself to eat.

At the stupid jarring sound of the alarm, you reluctantly glance up at the bright red words and groan softly as your bones pop when you slowly sit up. You hit the button and rub your eyes as if that could take away this tired yet empty feeling you have. You stare at your bedroom door and squint slightly. It's been odd...

Ever since the accident... you haven't had any incidents with Kruger. Is it because the phone he must've planted got destroyed? Or because he's afraid the cops will get to him before he can get to you?

He doesn't seem like the type to be fazed by either of those things...

Is he planning something? The quiet is so unsettling.

You dragged yourself out of bed, walked to the door opened it a crack, and peeked out. No thumps, no stretching shadows, ... everything seems to be fine. But you don't know if it is. And not knowing is what's so scary.

After a quick breath, you stepped out and swiftly walked down the stairs. Once you got to the bottom step, you slowed down, your head swiveling back and forth as you took in everything. Nothing seems to be out of order. Everything was where you left it.

God, you're fucking insane.

For some reason, you want to cry. This isn't... right. Something has to be wrong. Did you make everything up? It just doesn't make sense that you wouldn't see something. Something that indicated he was still here. Waiting. Watching.

Was it a dream?

No. It couldn't have been... Jean and you had that talk.

And that fact alone was the only thing keeping you grounded. Because he knew too. It wasn't just completely in your head.

You walked around the railing and into the bathroom, shutting the door behind you. You brush your teeth and run water over your face, glaring into your eyes as you look yourself over in the mirror.

You just need to calm down. You're... unstable. It feels like anything can tip you off these days.

You've missed your Thanksgiving tradition with Jean and his family while you were in the hospital. But you're not too upset about it. Whenever one of Jean's relatives looks at you, it always feels like they're thinking about how you should be with your family instead of theirs. It always felt like you were just intruding even when they insisted you hang with them instead of holing up in your creepy old house like you did that first Thanksgiving.

Hardly a tradition since it was only once, but Jean was planning on bringing you out again to see his parents and others.

And then it only made you feel worse about yourself because you most definitely didn't, you couldn't see your family. Not like this. You refused to come back to them empty-handed. With bad news. That would be like rubbing salt in a year-long wound.

Actually,... it's been officially two years now.

Since you've seen them. Since you've lost Marco.

Around Thanksgiving, when people were supposed to be getting together... not being torn apart from each other.

It was getting colder by the day as Christmas was right around the corner. You still haven't been keeping track of time, so you don't know what day it is or how long you have until Christmas. But it's coming.

In the middle of trying to freshen up a bit, you hear a knock at the front door. Your eyes snap to the bathroom door as if trying to see through it. The bathroom was... kind of the only place you felt safe. Only because you could see every corner of it clearly. You didn't wanna leave your safe place.

But when the knock came again, you had the feeling you didn't have a choice.

You don't know exactly how long it took to gain the courage to leave and rush down the stairs, press yourself against the door, stand on your tippy-toes, and peer outside the peephole. But... you did and you're now looking at Jean, noticing that Levi was off to the side as well.

You sigh out slowly, pursing your lips and hovering over the doorknob. You can see Jean sigh, looking to the side before back at Levi and shaking his head slightly.

Levi steps forward, and much to your surprise, he says, "Y/n? I'm assuming you're listening. We're here to check on you, let us in." How he knew you were just on the other side of the door, you have no idea but his voice was softer than how you remembered.

Tears well in your eyes, "I'm scared." Your voice was so small you weren't sure if they heard you but by the way Jean's eyes light up... you think they did.

"No one is out here, it's just us," Jean says immediately. "Please, Y/n, I need to see you."

"Yeah, brat, open up."

You huff through your nose slightly. You weren't sure why Levi called you that so much. You bite your lip nervously as you unlock and twist the doorknob slowly, opening the door just a crack.

"Y/n!" Jean moves forward causing you to instinctively shut the door even further. Levi grabs his arm, a subtle way to tell him to chill. "Can you... let us in? We only want to talk to you. We haven't seen you in a while and I've been worried sick."

You open the door, your body tense yet your heart feels familiar. As the door is finally wide enough for them to step inside, they do. First Jean, then Levi. "I've um... been sending you emails, didn't you get them?"

You shake your head at Jean's question. "I don't use my laptop anymore."

"Oh. Well,... first things first... you haven't been eating, have you?" His eyes trail over your frail form, the way you noticeably lost weight since the last time he saw you. And you already lost a little weight from that week of being in a coma.

Your eyes snap between the two and their excruciating gazes. You anxiously rub your arm, avoiding the look on their faces. Jean's especially, simply because Levi was the master at keeping what he felt to himself, his poker face set in place like it usually was. It's not like you can lie... you knew Jean and even Sasha sometimes left your groceries outside of your house. And you never took it.

So whatever they left last time is still there, rotting on your porch.

Jean sighs, his brows pinched together in concern. "When was the last time you've eaten?"

"...I don't know, ... I drank water not too long ago. Maybe a few days now? I don't really know," your days ran together, it definitely was longer than a few days. It was a miracle you were standing upright and moving as much as you were. You had a piercing headache and your hunger was practically in your throat but every time you even thought about eating... you felt disgusted and nauseated.

"You should sit down," Levi speaks up.

"I want to stand," you mutter, even as your vision blurs and sweat gathers on your forehead. You're so hot and you don't know why.

"You have to sit down, or you're going to pass out; you're overworking your weakened body," Levi says, this time without leaving an option in his wording.

Jean rushes to the kitchen and you only tense further when he's out of sight. However, when he returns, it's with water and the remaining loaf of bread you had in your pantry, some of the only food you have in your house. "You need to eat, please, Y/n."

You move toward the couch and blink hard a few times, trying to get your vision to clear as you are starting to see double. "I can't, it makes me sick," you argue, feeling utterly weak and gross.

"Yeah, and not eating is making you sick. Based on your current state, this could be dire," Levi tells you. "Eat. Just a bit."

You snatch a slice of bread, take a bite, and quickly wash it down with a swig of water. Afterward, you immediately lay back, feeling a little better now that your body wasn't moving. You could see better, too.

Unbeknownst to you, Jean and Levi share a discreet look. Jean purses his lips, keeping whatever little bit of information he's gathered to himself. Levi doesn't say anything either, thinking it might be better to let you rest before throwing you for another loop.

You promised yourself you wouldn't let your guard down... but it's like with Jean and Levi there, your body finally let you sleep. A quiet, dreamless sleep.

When you awoke... you saw Jean unraveling groceries out of the grocery bags and Levi leaning against the wall with his arms folded. You couldn't make out what they were saying entirely, they were speaking in hushed voices.

"No. She's gonna freak..."

You stay still, willing yourself to drown out any other small noises so you can hear what they're talking about. You couldn't make out what Jean said so you were trying to hear even harder.

"She will either way."

A momentary silence fell after that and the only thing heard for a while was the plastic grocery bags rustling. "Listen, we can't let her know. Let's just help her get back on her feet. Focus on her health... It pains me to see her like this," Jean sighs.

You stir, acting like you're just waking up, and sigh as you sit up. You feel like absolute shit but at least you don't feel so tired anymore. Honestly, that was just what you needed.

You stand up, trying to push through the wobble in your legs as you make your way to the dining room table. "What's... all this?" You huff, looking around at all the groceries. "Did you buy this?" You glare up at Jean, trying to squint past the blinding ceiling light.

"Yeah," he clears his throat. "Got a few meals, mostly light stuff. Quick and easy."

"You didn't have to do that," you say, almost dismissively as you turn to shuffle limply to your bathroom.

"Y/n," he calls quickly and your eyes flutter shut as you sigh internally when you hear him approach. "Wait a second, stop for a moment. You just got up."

"I just need to use the bathroom, Jean," you say, looking at him as he grabs your shoulder and walks before you.

"You... you look terrible like you'll pass out again at any second. Just let us get you... some tea and-"

"Jean. I can't, okay??"

"And why not?"

"Because looking at it makes me nauseous! I have a pounding headache, I can hardly see and everywhere I look, I see Kruger! Do you know what that feels like??"

"No, but that's all the more reason for you to rest," he says firmly, glaring down at you.

Tears glisten in your eyes. "Well, it doesn't exactly help that every time I look at you, I see him too." You shrug his hand off.

He pauses for a moment. "And what does that mean?"

"I'm sorry, Jean, I just can't, I can't even... " you sniff, looking to the side. "Every time I look at you, I see... The Scorpion... or whoever, therefore I see Kruger... and I... just can't." You hated the way your voice cracked... and the way Jean was looking at you now. Like he's been let down, but what were you gonna do? You could hardly stand up without feeling light-headed and this was all so overwhelming.

"You can't what, Y/n?" Jean whispers, running a hand down his mouth as he tries to process your real meaning.

"...I can't..." You look away, noticing how Levi was watching the interaction between you two. "Trust you anymore... not like I used to. I mean... how do I know... you haven't taken their side?"

"I'm going to step outside for a moment," Levi mutters from behind you and Jean glances at him in acknowledgment.

"Oh, I don't know, Y/n, maybe because we've been friends since forever. Because when we lost Marco-"

"Don't. Mention him," you whimper, a tear rolling down your cheek as you choke down a sob. "I get it. We've been through... too much, but with you screwing around with that nutjob, ... it risks so much. Anything can happen. I just can't afford it."

"And what? You think I'd risk everything, including your life for a girl I'm still learning new things about? I thought you'd at least have a little faith," he murmurs under his breath.

"It's not about you, Jean! I don't trust them! She could kill you! And just consider me fucking dead if I lose you too, 'cause I can't take this shit anymore!" You bring your hands up to your head and turn around, just wishing you could disappear.

After a bated pause, Jean's voice softened. "Y/n, ...I'm sorry, okay? Listen to me, I'll drop everything with her, alright? I'll never see her again and I'm visiting you every day even on my long work days. Anything to make it up to you. Because you're right, I don't know what I was thinking."

You take a few shuddering breaths and try to blink your tears away to calm yourself down. You stay facing away from him but it doesn't matter because he grips your shoulders and spins you around to give you a big hug. "Don't you ever say anything about you being dead again. You hear me? Never again. Because you're so much stronger than me, you don't even realize it but you are. Smarter... more creative... and I miss seeing those sides of you, ... so anything to get you back to yourself."

As he progressed in describing how he saw you, the more you began to shake with oncoming tears. He held you and held him, squeezing him to let him know how much he meant to you. He was right... you couldn't see how you could've possibly been stronger than him... but it didn't matter. As long as the both of you were alive, you'd do anything to keep him out of trouble. You just... had to take a breath and stop making erratic decisions.

You were smarter than this. You could think through all of this.

For him.

LilReaper_

Published: 03.02.25

Total words; 2573

dot. dot. dot. heh... hi guys, it's been a minute, how are you? sorry for the wait... sometimes i forget where i was going with this story, so i apologize for that. and i love you, thanks for the support. <3