"I'm philophobic."

Silence. That was the only word that could describe the aura around us. But in that silence, I could hear my heart pounding inside, threatening to burst anytime. I felt dizziness overtaking my whole body and tears welling up, again. 

"What?" Zinnia asked, her voice scaring me. 

"Wh-what? Philo- what?" Lily asked who was obviously confused with the new word. 

"Do you know what that means?" Zinnia asked.

I nodded my head. 

"I don't know what that means," Lily said, seeking for the meaning again.

"Elka, this isn't some fucking joke."

"What the fudge does that word mean?" Lily yelled. 

Zinnia's attention diverted from me to Lily.

"It's a phobia, Lily. It's the fear of love," she said.

Lily was incredulously staring at me, making her as surprised as Zinnia was. I could feel stares from sides that were burning holes on both sides of my face. I just kept my gaze down, a blended feeling of fear and embarrassment hitting me with every passing second. 

"Wh- what makes you think you are that, Elka?" Lily asked, killing the silence that I began to hate.

"You know what makes one philophobic, right? I remember telling you. Some incidents make one philophobic. Some really bad ones," Zinnia said.

"What if bad things have happened to me?" I asked, making the two of them gasp in utter shock.

"What?" Zinnia asked.

"What if I have gone through some shits that I'm still trying to forget?" 

"What is it that you have gone through, Elka? What happened to you that made someone like you a phi- phili-"

"Philophobic," Zinnia completed Lily, who was still struggling to pronounce that word. 

Pronouncing that word was nothing. The meaning it held and carrying it with you was what makes one tired as fuck. 

"I-I have been hiding a lot of things from you guys. Even if you both have told me about your pasts, I couldn't get the courage to tell mine, even if I tried. I wanted to tell you about me but I am still stuck with my past that I don't even want to recall," I said, wiping away the tears that began to roll down. 

They nodded their heads. 

"It's fine. You can tell when you're ready. We are right here, Elka," Lily said.

"I think I'm ready, Lily. I want you two to know about me, my past, everything."

Zinnia and Lily exchanged glances before Zinnia took the mug from my hands and placed it on the teapoy. 

"Ok. We're all ears."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I knew this day would be coming but didn't expect to be this soon. I told everyone to not bottle up their feelings and emotions and look at me, what was I doing all this time, all these years? I knew that if I was going to keep everything locked up inside, I would find it endeavouring to pass a day in my life. 

»»---------------------►

An hour passed with me telling my hidden story to two girls who let out gasps throughout and were shocked to death. Both Zinnia and Lily didn't expect me to have a flashback like this, well no one did. They couldn't believe what they were hearing. 

It took a while for them to come back to their senses after hearing my fucked up past. 

"Elka..." Lily called. "Why were you hiding this from us? All this time?"

"I didn't want you guys to know about me. I always thought it was my fault," I said.

"Elka, this isn't your fault at all. Don't ever say that. The people who were around you at that time are the ones on the wrong side. They're the ones who are culpable. You were just 14, girl!" Zinnia said from the other side.

"And the fact that you were dealing with this shit all alone and still smiled and laughed as if you're fine and happy and managed to be there for us in our bad times, Elka, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be this sad and dying inside. You deserve the world, baby," Lily said, clutching my hands. 

I smiled faintly at her. 

"You've never failed to be there for us as a friend and a sister. We're feeling abashed for not being there for you when all you did was the contrast. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."

"It's ok, Lily," I said.

"Me too. I'm so sorry," Zinnia apologized. 

"Guys, it's fine. It was me who didn't tell you about what I have gone through. You guys don't have to apologize for anything. I know that you guys won't judge and will be there for me but I wasn't just ready because I thought I could handle it on my own. But it seems like I'm so frail."

"Never ever say that," Zinnia said austerely. 

"You are the strongest ass in this trio. You have gone through a lot of shit and are still standing on your feet. If it was me, I don't know what I would've done."

"I would have hung up myself. All these are way too much for a 14 year old girl to take. You're so strong. The strongest to be precise. I love you even more, Elka," Lily said.

"You may be the shortest but you're the toughest of us. If you can pass something like this, then nothing in this world can pull you down," Zinnia said, reassuring me. "And don't worry about Danish. You have got plenty of time to think about him. I know it will be hard for you to date him or acknowledge the fact that you like him, especially after that incident. Also, I'm sorry for exposing you like that tonight. I shouldn't have done that."

"It's fine. It's because you did something like that I'm finally able to tell you," I said, nodding my head and smiling wholeheartedly at them. 

I was feeling relieved after days. After talking to them, it felt like I didn't have any burden on my shoulders because the people I want to be there for me forever, knew my past and were standing with me, making my eyes open to the actuality that I should be happy unconditionally. I was convinced by now that these two girls will help me to let go of my past in the long run. 

"Alright! Now you should get some sleep. You're dead-beat," Zinnia said to which Lily nodded.

"Yeah, get some rest. What about sleeping together with us today? Would you like that, baby?" Lily suggested. 

"And what? To get kicked by her?" Zinnia snapped. 

I chuckled and said, "I would like that, Lily."

"Ok then, lemme prepare some defense moves," Zinnia said, getting up from the couch. 

We laughed at her and headed towards my room, as my king sized bed was the only bed which could accommodate the three of us. 

Before getting on bed, we took showers singly and then hopped on bed and squeezed and cuddled each other. I was in the middle with Zinnia and Lily on my sides. Their arms wrapped around me and cracking up jokes and stories was all I needed to be buoyant. 

"That's enough for today. Let's sleep now," Lily said, pulling the duvet to my chin. 

"Sleep tight, bub," Zinnia said, planting a kiss on my cheek.

"Good night," I mumbled and closed my eyes. 

»»---------------------►

I opened my eyes to find myself alone in bed. My two sides were now cold, not having the warmth I felt all night yesterday. I looked at the clock and it showed 11 a.m. I climbed down the stairs and saw Lily cooking breakfast. 

"Good morning babyyy," Lily sang as soon as she saw me. 

I smiled and returned a good morning. 

"I'll make you breakfast. It's pancakes, your favorite. And here's your coffee."

"Where's Zin?" I asked as I took my coffee mug that she held out. 

"In her room. She was here and just before you came, she got a call from Sandra."

I nodded my head. 

"How's she doing? She's also having a hard time."

"She'll be fine. Even though I'm two years older than you girls, Zinnia is the matured one among us. She already acknowledged the truth that Amy is going to be her friend, nothing more nothing less. And with that, Sandra is helping her a lot," Lily said as she poured the batter onto the griddle. 

I nodded my head before asking, "They're now just friends right?"

"Yeah. It's actually a wonder that Zinnia haven't had sex for what, three months?" Lily asked, chuckling. 

"Yeah." I chuckled. "Her mind was set on Amy, right? But from now on, we don't have to set the alarm. There will be something else to wake us up."

"Oh, yes. The bed creaking sound. God!" Lily groaned, making me laugh.

"I heard you hoes," Zinnia said, entering the kitchen. 

We laughed again to which she smacked my head lightly before sitting next to me. 

"How are you?" she asked me.

"Better." I smiled.

"Hey, I called my professor this morning and asked her about philophobia," Zinnia said, catching all my attention. "I asked her how to overcome philophobia. Of course I did research about it for my project but I thought asking a professional directly who knows about it is more effective."

"And?"

"She said there is this therapy called cognitive behavioral therapy for these phobias. It helps you to cope with the fear and change negative beliefs and thoughts. It will be difficult for people who don't know the source of fear but in your case, it's different. You know exactly what made you philophobic so it isn't that hard for you. All you should do now is to overcome that fear. But before that lemme ask you, do you wanna change or remain like this? Are you better off without anyone or do you wanna be in a relationship, be with someone who you love and knows you?"

"Of course the latter one, Zin. I want to know how it is to love someone because my whole life has been nothing but a tragedy, before you people came. I thought I'll be happy being single but...." I trailed off. 

"But?" Lily asked as she placed a plate of pancakes with drizzled chocolate syrup.

"After meeting Danish, I never felt like that," I said, biting my bottom lip. 

"We know," Zinnia said. 

"But I don't want to go for therapy and all."

"Therapy isn't mandatory for you, Elka. But if you don't want to die single then you have to do one thing."

"What?" I asked her.

"Try. You should try dating someone. Not someone but Danish. He's all ready to take you out for dinner so all you have to do is push yourself a bit. You know that I don't butt in cases like this but, Elka, if I'm giving you a long ass lecture like this then you have to know, this is fucking important and serious. Me and Lily aren't gonna be pushy but we know that Danish is a good guy and he will never disappoint you."

I looked down at my fingers that were holding the mug handle tightly. 

"But I'll become nauseous all of a sudden when he's near me. I can't help myself from being all dizzy. It's so hard, Zinnia."

"I get it. Everyone with philophobia feels that. See, I'm not saying that you should try dating him now. Take your time. You've got time in your hands, Elka. But if you keep hiding in your shell, then it's gonna be so fucking hard."

I nodded my head. 

"Yeah, so take your time, think about it, try to imagine a world where you don't have to be scared of falling in love rather live a full and happy life with someone that took an oath to love and cherish you forever because, Elka, you deserve that, girl."

I smiled at Zinnia who was doing everything she could to make me believe that I could have a happy and normal life. 

"Yeah. Now eat. It's already late," Lily said, pushing the plate towards me and keeping a fork beside it. 

I swear to God, I'll never disappoint these girls.

After eating, I went to my room. I took my phone and saw I had a notification. It was a message from Danish. I sighed and reluctantly tapped on his name. 

'I'm sorry.'

That was it. Nothing else. 

I left him on seen as I didn't know what to reply and how to reply. I thought it was better seen zoning him so that I can let my mind rest for some days. But days turned into weeks. 

Three weeks passed by with me not replying to Danish and trying not to think about him. But still, I couldn't deny the fact that I missed him. I missed his talks, his smile, his laugh, his teasing, his strong cologne, everything. But despite how much I missed him, I couldn't move myself to message him or call him. I was that numb. 

Zinnia helped me a lot throughout these days. She made a timetable for me that scheduled exercises, relaxation techniques and mindfulness strategies. She became my personal therapist, an undergraduate one, to whom I talked about my feelings, emotions, thoughts and fears. Only one week was left for the college opening and the start of my second year. I was preparing myself to face Danish without being anxious and Zinnia was hell bent on that. 

Gradually, I could see a change in myself. I could see a teeny-weeny ray of hope after several cloudy days.

And talking about Zinnia, she was also moving on. Amy and Zinnia hung out for a day as Amy called her to make it upto her. Zinnia's love for Amy remained unsaid. And it would remain unsaid. She was still hurt and sad but was trying to move on from Amy with my, Lily's and also Sandra's help. And yes, we didn't have to set an alarm anymore. 

Lily was feeling unwell. She would be in bed all day as she was fatigued and even skipped meals and said she was fine, blaming her periods as it was near. 

»»---------------------►

It was around evening and me and Zinnia were watching 'Promised Neverland'. 

"Girl, I think I have a crush on Emma," Zinnia said, making me chuckle.

"Dude, she's 11. What are you, pedophile?" I sneered. 

"That's what even I'm thinking."

I laughed at her, making her also join me. 

Just then, Lily opened her door and walked straight towards the front door. She was dressed up and had her sling bag falling from her shoulder. 

"Where are you going?" I asked, jumping off the couch seeing her lunging to get to the door.

"I-I'll come now. Don't worry," she replied and closed the door behind her. 

"What the hell is happening?" Zinnia asked, making me shrug my shoulders and sitting back.

After ten minutes, Lily barged in, making me and Zinnia jump on the couch. 

"Where were you?" I asked just to get ignored by Lily who was hurrying to her room.

"You could at least fucking knock so that you won't scare anyone to death," Zinnia said, clenching her chest. 

Lily closed her door and we had to wait for another ten minutes before Lily opened her door. Me and Zinnia turned to look at Lily who had her eyes red and tears stains on her face. We stood up and enquired her but hearing no response from her, we took steps closer to Lily. 

"I-I'm pregnant."

I tell you goodbye, I don't want to
I should explain why, but I won't
Guess it's in my nature, guess it's in my blood
So I have to go