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NNENNA'S POV

She simply stared at me incredulously after I asked her what has been on my mind for a while now.

“So?” I said again; nervous with how she was staring at me.

“Um... I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear what I just heard.”

“I'm serious o,”

Her neutral expression suddenly changed and her eyes blazed with emotion I don't want to interpret.
“Do you even hear yourself or you're not sure of what you are saying?”

“What do you mean?”

“That I should show you how I make extra money to help myself in this school, is that a reasonable question? What if I told you they're from my parents?”

“Girl, be serious for once na. I'm desperate here,” I pleaded.

“Oh! Are you now?” she chuckled bitterly, “So, now that you're desperate I should give in to your demand? What was that you said to me then?”

“Helen stop na...grow up. I already said I'm sorry. Now I understand what you've been shielding me from, your message is clear now can we move on?”

“Nnenna... I was trying to help you then because somehow I liked you, and afterwards you lost your mom. Don't get me wrong, you were never an object of pity for me, more like the sister I never had. Until you made that statement...” she had this surly look on her face.

“I'm sorry, I realize how wrong I am now...”

“No, the irony of the matter is that you were right. The way I make the money I spend is not befitting for saints like you, that is why I won't be introducing you to how it's done.”

“Helen...like right now I'm in a ditch trying to get out anyway I can.”

“I don't want to be responsible for whatever happens to you...”

“So, you would rather I commit suicide or drop out of school?”
She opened her mouth to respond but I cut in. “As it stands now, that's the only options I have.”

She gave it a thought and said she would get back to me.

The next day, as we both dressed to go our different ways, she left a thousand naira note on the desk for my transport. I wanted so badly to decline but I was desperate. Desperate for help of any kind and from any source. So, I took the money and headed for my exams for the day.

It was the day after the exams for the semester was concluded that she sent me a message instructing to meet her for lunch. When I got there, I met her seated at a table with a guy.

As I sat down, I observed his features. He looked completely harmless in his simple red polo, blue jeans and red Lacoste facecap. There wasn't a single beard or mustache on his fair face.

“Na she be the one?” he said to Helen.
At this moment, my subconscious hinted at leaving, turning down whatever offer they had for me. Suddenly, the atmosphere around us became odious.

Helen nodded affirmatively.

I swallowed; exchanging glances between the two of them.

“You sabi do the kain work wey we dey do?” he said in low tone.

“It depends on...th...the kind of work?” I stuttered; having second thoughts at the last minute.

He gave a sinister chuckle. “The same work young girls like you even younger ones do everyday.”

I looked at Helen for confirmation but she kept her eyes glued to her phone.

“Madam, you're wasting my time. Can you do the job or not?” he probed; sounding pissed.

Suddenly, I felt under duress. I wanted time to weigh my options as I have no idea what I was getting into but he didn't come off as one who is considerate. I quickly reminisced through my predicament the past four months especially since a month now but my integrity and value as a growing girl are still too strong to give way for my challenges to break me into doing something ominous.

“Em...no, I can't do it.” I finally spurted at the last minute.

He sighed significantly then exchanged gazes with Helen. “Nne, you see that it's only when people are beyond desperate that they plunge into any help no matter  what the source is.” He stood from his seat.
“I've warned you before to be careful about how you offer assistance. If a person isn't desperate enough for the kind of help you have to give, they won't only not appreciate it, they will also abuse it.”

After he left, I stole a glance at Helen through my lashes. “I'm sorry Helen, I got scared.”

“No, it's fine. The only problem is that, this particular job entails dancing on a pole...it's more like a club job but there's a policy around it that the men who frequent this clubs are not to have anything to do with the employees sexually. You dance, they watch, pay and go.”

“Oh?” I muttered.

“But, it's nice to know that you stood on your integrity. However, what I have learnt from living is that there is no wrong or right...the particular situation depends on our perception.” With this, she also stood to leave.

I remained in that spot; brooding over my life and recalling her last words.

I grew up believing that it's wrong in the sight of God and man that girls please men for money but right now I don't know what to believe anymore. Especially after the demise of the two people who shielded me from experiencing such hardship.
I comforted myself and decided to give it one more try.

I couldn't travel to see my siblings over the short Christmas break because I would rather save the money for the next semester expenses.
Though Helen and I continued stepping on eggshells around each other, she was very helpful and considerate during the holidays. She travelled for Christmas and might or might not return for the next school term because she has to begin her six months industrial training outside campus.

Thankfully, she already paid for the hostel rent and left behind all her provisions and foodstuffs, which were of great use to me.

I stayed indoors mostly except whenever I had to leave for work since my other friends located in one hostel or another had gone home for the holiday. And it was just me, my new phone, my room and my books until we rolled into the new year.
...

“How are you and Tochi doing?” I said into the phone. This happened to be my first video call with my siblings and our first call in the new year.

Stephanie seemed to be older than the last time I saw her and more vocal too but the one thing that didn't change was the sadness in her eyes. Aunt Zainab had claimed they would move on quickly especially since they were too young to feel the pain. But looking at her now, I realize that she may not understand the pain or how to express her emotions but she feels the loss and absence of a woman that stood for a lot of things in our lives.

“We're fine. Aunt Z said we'll be going to school this term.” she related.

Finally, some good news though I felt bad because it meant added responsibility upon my uncle's shoulders and there's nothing I hate more than being a liability.

“That's good. So, I'm begging you and Tochi to always pay attention in class and read your books. Don't play too much so that you both can pass your exams and graduate to the next class,”
And save uncle Ikechukwu the hassle of spending too much; I wanted to add but stopped myself from blurting.
We ended the call on a good note and I smiled at my own words. Here I am spewing advice that I should adhere to more than anyone.

There are just five days left to resumption and I haven't opened any lecture note to read. Yes, there are no other exams to write in my department  for now but I had hoped to refresh my memory.
Gradually, life returned to the hostel and campus as people resumed in preparation for the semester's struggle.

Helen called and after wishing me a Happy New Year, said she won't be back until the next month as she wants to put some things in place. This also means that I'll have to make do with the little provision and food stocks left until I'm paid my salary.

I went back to my routine which entailed attending some of the lectures I could whether I paid attention or not as a result of keeping late nights. I tried to switch my night shift to morning but the supervisor refused; insisting that working the night shift is the only way I can keep up with school responsibilities  and even though she was right, the night shifts weren't helping me either.

In addition to having more time to rest and attend to other aspects of my life, I needed the extra money that the morning workers were being paid. In order to complete my financial obligations in school, I'll need at least two times my salary and half of the full amount. Not including small expenses like transportation, feeding and a few personal things.

I tried to sustain myself with the remaining provisions like Ovaltine, Milksi, Cornflakes, rice, crayfish and garri. Most times, I fed on Golden morn or Gala sausage with soda drink to buy more time until the month ran out because this January appeared to never want to end. Sooner or later I would run out of homemade food and the next option would be scrambling for leftovers at the hotel.

On my way to work on Friday night. Two weeks after resumption and the last Friday in January, my thoughts circled around everything weighing me down. The people I owed money either by taking goods on credit or asking them to loan me like Adunni and Nnabuihe. True, I've been avoiding the guy but he offered to help so I took it. But by the time I concluded how to circulate the money, I realized it won't be enough to even take care of my expenses in school afterwards.

When I relayed my problems to Joy, she told me to survive through the first week of February first before worrying over how to survive the rest. I did as said but by the third week it started seeming like God has forgotten me. Helen hadn't come back yet and I didn't want to seem inconsiderate by calling to ask for help when it's obvious I work and earn money.

It was this same night I met Mr. Francis. A young man in probably his late thirties or early forty. I would never forget Francis in my life because he was the beginning of the main sorrows in my life and the man I lost my virginity to.

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THANK YOU FOR READING. I'VE BEEN AWOL ON THIS APP BUT I HOPE I'M BACK FOR GOOD.
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