chapter thirty-seven , Walking is Easier Than Crying

a/n : this chapter isn't following any episode of 9-1-1. But it is still important to the story (healing Emery🫶).

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The first memory Emery remembers of Amaya was the first day she met her.

Their mother had just finished delivering Amaya. Emery was sitting in the waiting room with her grandma, her excitement hardly being contained. Her father had stepped out of the room, announcing that it was a girl. Everyone cheered, even the strangers waiting for their own news. Elijah held Emery's hand when they entered the delivery room. She remembered everything so vividly. The awful smell of afterbirth, the tears of joy in her father's eyes. The exhaustion in her mother's eyes, but the smile and light she had across her face...

It was something Emery would always try to recreate.

Emery saw how small Amaya's hands were. The way her one hand could wrap around Emery's finger. For some reason, it caused her to tear up. Emerson was 10 years old? How could she cry about something she didn't understand? But as soon as she spoke those words to her sister, she quickly understood. "I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. I promise."

Emery really tried to keep that promise.

A knock is heard at the apartment door. A soft voice spoke, but it couldn't be deciphered. Then silence would follow. It's been like that for 2 weeks. There would be a knock, probably some kind-hearted and worried words. Then the person would leave. Then there would be calls and texts. Many calls and texts. Emery knew that everyone was worried about her. But the life had been drained from her. She's felt like this before when she was off her meds. A part of her thought that it could've been because of her meds, but another part of her thought it was probably because of her recent loss.

Maybe it was both.

Emery would believe that.

Another knock is heard at the door. Then her phone rings. Emery continued to stare at the TV that was off. Besides going to the bathroom and eating the food that had been left on her doorstep by her friends; Emery hasn't left the couch.

Her doorknob jingles and Emery's ears perk. She knits her brows together when the door opens. A small breath escapes her lips. "What the hell...what the fuck..." her words slur.

"Hey, Emi..."

Emery didn't move, but she knew who it was.

"How'd you get in?" Emery asks.

"We exchanged keys, remember?" Buck makes his way around the couch. He takes a moment to look at Emery and he can feel his chest begin to gradually tighten with an incomparable pain. Emery was curled in a ball lying on the couch, with one of her arms hanging off the side while the other was underneath her head. The one that was hanging off the side was in a partial cast and her head had stitches.

"I forgot about that..." Emery's voice was hoarse. Buck would assume it's from crying. Emery remembers reluctantly trading keys with Buck since they were both the only ones single. At that time, they hated each other.

"Can I sit next to you?"

"You're already here, right?" Emery croaks. "Just, do whatever you want."

Buck sits on the couch, where Emery's legs are. Silence settles in the room. Emery inhales a shaky breath. "Did someone call you or something?"

"No, I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a walk."

A weak scoff escapes Emery's lips. Simultaneously, they both look at each other. Emery sees the small smirk on Buck's lips and she raises her brows. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because I said so." Emery seethes.

Buck raises his brows from her snappy tone. At least he was still able to get a rise out of her. It caused a smile to grow across his lips. "Oh, come on...when I was at my lowest, you remember what you did?"

"What? What did I do?"

"You asked me to go for a walk," Buck says. Emery pulls her brows together. "Well, you were on crutches, so..."

"You can still walk with crutches!" Buck exclaims.

Emery rolls her eyes and looks back at the TV. "You can go now."

Buck clicks his tongue, "Yeah...I'm not going anywhere." he stands up and walks to the kitchen. Emery's right eye twitches. She stands up and stares at Buck, who was rummaging through her refrigerator.

"Seriously? What the fuck?" Emery holds her arms out. "Why won't you leave? I want you to--"

"Because, when I asked you to leave--a thousand times before..." Buck looks across Emery's exhausted yet beautiful face. "You never gave up on me."

Emery looks to the side and shakes her head. "Yeah, well..." she bunches her shoulders. "I can't help being a good person."

A small laugh escapes Buck's lips. He was glad that she made a joke. "Emi, I just want to help you. The same way, you helped me." he grabs the container of food and opens it. "But, first...I heard that people were leaving you food and well...I love Bobby's cooking, so..."

Emery takes a moment to look at Buck. She crosses her arms over her cardigan and exhales. "Okay, fine. Eat up and I will...put some walking clothes on." She turns and walks down the hall. Buck watches as Emery stops and looks to the side at the closed room door. She physically tenses and looks like she is going to collapse to the ground.

"Em?"

The girl blinks and she turns to Buck. She notices the worry across his face and she parts her lips. "Uh, I'll be back." Emery then continues down the hall and goes to her room.

☆

For half of the walk, it was just Buck talking and Emery staring at the ground. She didn't mind him talking, it helped drown out her self-loathing thoughts. Every once in a while Buck would look over at her while she stared at the ground.

"Hey, so...how are—"

"If you ask me how I'm doing. I'm gonna clothesline you."

Buck raises his brows, "Huh. So, like how you threw a cup at Tom the other day?"

Emery huffs. "No. I threw a cup at him. I didn't clothesline him. There's a difference:"

"Both are aggressive actions towards people who are worried about you." Buck shrugs.

Emery looks down at her sneakers and exhales through her nose. "I get..." she trails off her words. Buck looks over at her again and he stops walking when she does.

"I get that you guys are worried about me." Emery voices. "But I don't want anybody near my...grief." She shifts her eyes to her cast.

Buck's eyes soften, "Em—"

"I'm a terrible person on my good days. So...I'm an even shittier person now, all right?" Emery bites the inside of her cheek until she physically tenses. The pain she felt right now distracted her from the pain on the inside. Even if it was for a small amount of time, it was worth it. Buck takes a small step toward the grieving girl. Emery keeps her eyes glued to the ground, her eyes shaking.

"Can you look at me, please?" His voice was soft.

A lump forms in Emery's throat. She lifts her head, meeting his gentle blue eyes. Buck slightly tilts his head, "You're not a burden, Emi."

Emery's jaw twitches and she shakes her head.

"And if you need me to tell you that every day. I will do just that."

Emery bites the inside of her cheek. "Thanks, I guess."

They both continue walking down the sidewalk. "And by the way, I threw a paper cup at Tom. It's not like it hurt."

"Oh, well...by the way I wasn't gonna ask how you were. I was gonna ask how your parents were."

Emery raises her brows, "Oh, well...my dad is you know, dying. And my mom is...probably doing just as bad as I am."

"Wait, you know how your dad's doing, but not your mom?" Buck asks. "How is that possible?"

Emery inhales a small breath. "Well, my mom said she needs some space. Which means, when me and my dad call or meet up, she is not around." she presses her lips together. "After the funeral..." her voice gets caught in her throat. "It's been quiet between her and I."

"I'm sorry, Em."

Emery shrugs a shoulder, "Our relationship has never been good." she admits. "And it's not going to get any better. If anything, it's going to get worse after my dad dies."

Buck's chest tightens. She said it so casually. But, he knew she was only saying it like that to get used to it. She wasn't going to have anyone's death sneak up on her again. It hurt having to go through that.

"Amaya's funeral was beautiful."

Emery's throat tightens and her eyes begin to burn. "Uh, yeah. It was..." she looks forward. "Just like any funeral ever, right?" her voice was dull. Buck purses his lips, "My grandfather's funeral was ass."

Emery's mouth slightly opens and she turns to Buck. He looks at her with a small smile. A small chuckle escapes Emery's lips and Buck laughs. Emery looks forward and continues to softly laugh. "My grandma hated him. So, at his funeral that she was supposed to plan, but ended up forgetting about it, by the way..."

Emery raises her brows.

"...for her speech, she tossed a rock on his open casket and told him to suck it."

"Told him to...suck the rock?"

Buck nods his head, "Told him to suck that rock hard--"

"Oh, God!" Emery grimaces and laughs. "Why are you saying it like that?"

"I knew it would make you laugh." Buck looks at the ground. Emery stops walking and stands in front of Buck, causing him to stop. She looks into his gentle storm-blue eyes. When she looked into his eyes she felt a comfort wrap around her like a warm blanket. Looking into Buck's eyes made Emery believe that everything would be okay. But when Buck looked into Emery's eyes, he didn't see that. He saw a light that had been taken from her too soon. It made his own eyes start to tear up.

"I don't think I ever thanked you."

Buck blinks, he quickly wipes at his eyes and looks back at Emery. Even though her eyes were empty, she still managed a weak smile. "For what you did at the funeral...thank you."

Buck slightly parts his lips. "Em, you don't have to thank me. I was just being a good friend."

Emery bites the inside of her cheek. "Well, thank you for being a good friend."

Buck softly smiles, "Anytime, Emi."

They both stand there for a moment. Buck watches as Emery shifts uncomfortably from one foot to another, debating something.

"Are you oka—"

Suddenly Emery wraps her arms around his middle. Catching Buck off guard, he grunts from the sudden impact. His face begins to heat up and he tenses. He would hug her back if he could, but her arms were around his arms as well, so he just stood there. He inhales a breath as she takes a step back and Emery bites the inside of her cheek.

"Sorry."

"Uh, you don't have to apologize." Buck clears his throat. "I just have one question..."

"When was the last time you showered?"

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3 Weeks Since Amaya Died...

"Okay, so...Buck coming over once suddenly just gives everyone else the green light to come over?"

Eddie presses his lips together, "Yeah, pretty much. I mean, it still baffles me that you guys are even friends."

Emery blows air out of her mouth. "So, what's up?"

"Buck told me you haven't showered in like 2 weeks."

Emery rolls her eyes. "It's not like I'm going out in public. And I've changed my underwear." She says.

"You. Emerson Bailey Sharpe—"

"I hate that everyone knows my full name..."

"—have not showered." Eddie scrunches his brows together when he notices Emery's body tense. "What's up?"

She inhales a breath and looks to the side. "I...I haven't been able to be near water since that day, all right?"

Eddie's chest tightens.

Emery rolls her eyes, "I know, it's stupid. I'm 27 and—"

"Age doesn't stop anyone from having trauma, Em." Eddie says. "Christopher's having that same problem, y'know?"

Emery's eyes soften and she inhales a small breath. "He went through something traumatic."

"So, did you." Eddie points out. "You always seem to hold yourself to a higher pedestal than others."

"Emerson, listen to me..."

Emery pinches her brows together.

"You don't have to be strong."

Tears form in her eyes just hearing that. Because that was the thing. Emery wasn't trying to be strong. She didn't want to be.

She was just tired.

"I have a favor to ask."

Emery raises her brows and wipes her eyes. "Okay, what is it?"

"I need you to look after Christopher today." Eddie crosses his arms.

"I don't think you want me looking after your son, right now." Emery sniffles while forcing a chuckle.

"If I didn't want you to, I wouldn't have asked." Eddie presses his lips together. "Besides, I think you both could use each other right now."

"Eddie—"

"Come on. Take Christopher out. Go for a swim."

Emery pulls her brows together. "Is that a joke?"

Eddie frowns and shakes his head. "Nope. I'm dead serious. Go to the pool."

"No."

"Emerson—"

"No."

"So, you're just never gonna shower again?" Eddie cranes his neck forward.

Emery folds her arms, solidifying her answer. Eddie lets out a heavy breath.

"Emery!"

The girl looks down the hall and sees Christopher walking towards her. Emery wipes the frustrated look off her face and replaces it with an ecstatic one. "Hey, Chris!" She walks over to him and engulfs him into a warm embrace.

Eddie couldn't help the smile that formed on his lips.

"How are you? It feels like I haven't seen you in forever." Emery exhales. She really needed this hug right now. So did Christopher.

"I'm okay."

"Your dad said you're also taking a stand against showers." Emery crouches in front of him. "And I have to say...respect." She gives him a fist bump.

"No. No respect, Em..." Eddie says in a warning tone.

Emery rolls her eyes playfully. "Kidding." She looks at Chrispther, who was laughing. "Showers are good."

"You're not taking any."

"Well, that's because I'm disgusting."

Christopher giggles. Emery turns to look at Eddie. She presses her lips together and exhales through her nose. "Hey, Christopher, guess what?"

Eddie smiles. He knew exactly what she was gonna say.

"What?"

"You and I are gonna hang out today."

Eddie pumps his fists in the air as Christopher hugs Emery again.

...

Emery felt like she was going to shit her pants.

She raises her brows. Did I shit my pants?

She looks at her bathing suit bottoms and frowns. Nope, all good.

Emery looks to her side and sees Christopher sitting on one of the pool chairs next to her. He nervously shifts in his seat and Emery gnaws on her lower lip. She couldn't find anything to say to him, she didn't even want to try and convince him to get in the pool. She couldn't even do it herself.

"Hey..."

Emery looks at Christopher.

"Do you want to go in?" Christopher asks.

Emery raises her brows, she looks back at the water and her chest tightens. Her eyes stayed glued on the water and she couldn't help the feeling of being unable to breathe overtake her. "Uh...I-I'll watch you go in," she says, her eyes never leaving the pool.

Laughter fills her ears and she snaps her eyes over to the two girls playing in the pool. Tears fill her eyes when the older girl picks up the younger one.

"My dad wanted us both to go in."

Emery blinks and turns to Christopher. "I..." she inhales a deep breath and shakes her head. "I can't--I'm sorry." she shrugs a shoulder, but her voice begins to shake. "I'm sorry, I'm just not strong enough."

"That's not true...you're very strong, Emery."

The girl shakes her head. She wipes her nose. "I'm not..." her eyes fill with tears once again. "If I was..."

Amaya would still be alive.

"How about this?" Emery turns to Christopher. "Let's go get ice cream and I can tell your dad we went swimming. Then the problem's solved!" She holds her hands up.

Christopher pulls his brows together. "You want me to lie to my dad?"

Emery's brows drop and her mouth slightly opens. She stops and thinks about what she is trying to do. Emery is trying to convince a little boy to lie to his father. Just because she was afraid.

Emery covers her eyes with the palm of her hands and she lets out an exhausted breath. "What the hell is wrong with me?" she whispers under her breath.

"You miss Amaya."

Emery inhales a shaky breath and she nods her head. "So much."

Emery looks back at the water and she bites the inside of her cheek. Even if Emery didn't want to do this. She had to, for Christopher at least. She didn't want him to be like her. Miserable during the day and waking up screaming in horror during the night. He didn't deserve that.

"You know what? Let's do it." She exhales and looks at him. "Let's go in the pool."

Christopher raises his brows, "Really?"

"Yeah. Let's go together." Emery presses her lips together. "Is that okay?"

Christopher smiles and nods his head. "That's more than okay."

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When Eddie got closer to the front door, he heard laughing. A hopeful smile forms on his lips and he opens the door. Emery was holding Christopher's bag in her hand while Christopher was laughing beside her. She looks at Eddie and raises her brows. "Hey!"

"Uh, hey, come in." Eddie steps aside.

Christopher walks in first. Eddie picks him up and gives him a kiss on the cheek. "So, how was everything?"

Emery closes the door behind her and smiles softly. "It was good."

"Really?" Eddie raises his brows.

Emery gives him a nod, "Really. We went both dipped our feet in. Then we slowly inched in the 4 inch water and relaxed." She shrugs.

"So...everything's okay?" Eddie asks, obviously wondering how she was dealing with everything

Emery lets out a breath. "I'm gonna be able to take a shower tonight." She shrugs a shoulder. "So, today? I'm okay."

Eddie keeps his eyes on Emery's dim brown ones. Even though she was only talking about being 'okay' today. She was trying. And Eddie admired her for that.

Emery looks down at her watch. "I should get going." She wrinkles her nose. "I'm just now realizing how bad I smell."

"You're just now realizing?"

Emery rolls her eyes with a small smile on her lips. "Whatever..." she looks at the tired boy. "Thanks for hanging out with me, Chris! I had a great time..." she kisses the top of his head.

Eddie keeps his eyes on Emery for a moment as she and Christopher talk.

"You've got a strong kid there, Diaz." Emery lifts her head and meets her friend's eyes. A smile forms on Eddie's lips. "Yeah, tell me something I don't know."

Emery chuckles, "I wouldn't have gone into that pool by myself." She looks at Christopher once again. "Thank you."

...

A Month Since Amaya Died...

"I don't like this..."

Wren and Maddie exchange a look. Emery moves her salad around. "I fucking hate salad..."

"You could've ordered a burger—"

"We could've gone to a place with burgers." Emery retorts.

Wren winces, "She has a point."

Emer looks back at her salad. "Look, I get you guys are worried about me eating, but I've eaten a lot. People have sent me a lot of food." She bunches her shoulders. "I've eaten plenty."

"Emery, you need to get out more."

"I do go out. Every morning." Emery crosses her arms.

"Yeah?" Wren takes a large bite out of her wrap. "And do what?"

"Walk with Buck."

Wren giggles, "Take a walk with Buck. That sounds like a show or something."

Maddie pulls her brows together. "Wait, you're going for walks with my brother?"

"Maddie, why is that such a big deal? You already know that I was sleeping with him." Emery exhales.

"Yeah, Maddie." Wren nods. She then slows her chewing, realizing what Emery said. "Wait...wait what?"

Wren's eyes then widen, "Wait, what?"

"You were sleeping with Buck?" Wren asks. "Like Evan Buckley?" She then lets out a deep laugh.

"Oh, dude—oh, dude!" Wren's laugh increases in volume. "What was that like?"

Emery frowns and shrugs, she opens her mouth to answer but Maddie speaks.

"Please! Don't talk about this with me here? Please?" Maddie leans forward.

Wren looks at Emery, "We'll talk later." She whispers. The end of Emery's mouth twitches and she looks back at her salad.

"So, you and Buck aren't together?" Maddie asks.

Emery snorts, "What, do you think he'd try and sleep with me in my time of grievance?"

"What? Emery, no. You guys have been close, so I was just wondering if—"

"We're not together, Maddie." Emery sighs. "I'm his captain."

"Well, if you guys wanted to be together...I wouldn't have a problem with it." Maddie says.

Emery lets out a bitter chuckle. "I didn't think that I needed your permission to date who I wanted."

Wren raises her brows, she takes a big bite out of her wrap.

"No, you don't—"

"I know I don't." Emery snaps.

Silence settles at the table. Wren's eyes widen, "I-I think we should all just eat in silence."

Emery realizes that was now digging her nails into her hands. She pulls her nails from her skin and looks at the crescent moons that had blood seeping from them. Her eyes shift to Maddie and they soften.

"No..." Emery sighs. She covers her face. "I'm sorry."

Maddie shakes her head and gives Emery a small smile. "No, you have nothing to apologize for."

"I shouldn't be asking you these kinds of questions right now." Maddie softly chuckles.

"It's fine. It takes my mind off of everything else." Emery scratches her wrist. "How's everybody been? I mean, how are you guys?"

"Good. Good. I'm no longer a rookie." Wren holds her hands up.

Emery raises her brows, "No, shit? That's amazing."

"Yeah, they had a big celebration and everything." Wren chuckles. "Athena even said she was proud of me. Can you believe it?"

"I can." Emery shrugs. "You're a good cop. And that's coming from the girl who hates cops."

Maddie points at Emery, agreeing with her.

Wren smiles, "Thanks, guys."

"How are you and Chim?" Emery looks at Maddie.

Maddie's face gets hot and Wren giggles. "Someone's getting flustered!"

"No I'm not!" Maddie covers her face.

"Em?"

Wren and Maddie look at the curly-haired girl. Emery looks up from her salad and looks between the two hopeful girls, waiting for Emery to show any sign of her moving away from her troubling thoughts. Emery bites the inside of her cheek, then shrugs a shoulder.

"You're totally blushing."

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