"... so yeah, i mean, that's about it when it comes to my project," kotori said before lifting her head up and staring at the man in front of her, sighing as she realized she spent around thirty minutes talking to a wall. "are you listening?"

"huh? oh yeah, sorry" bokuto chuckled as he turned back to her, his eyes adjusting to the picture in front of him. since when was he staring outside? oh well, didn't matter.

"are you okay? you didn't have to meet up with me if you didn't want to" she spoke, hurrying to fix the strands of hair obstructing her view. she watched as bokuto shook his head and gave her a small smile.

"no no, i did want to go, sorry. i'm just a bit... out of it today?" bokuto chuckled before inhaling deeply. what was he even doing? out of all the times to be distracted he had to be distracted in front of a beautiful girl. where was his mind even wandering off anyway? oh yeah... to a couple of days ago in town.

bokuto was out with friends, well, if you can even call them that. after that conversation with iwaizumi, he really took everything in only to realize that he never really agreed with them and what they were doing. they were unruly, wild, always doing things one step away from illegal activity - but with them, bokuto felt different, like he finally mattered.

maybe it was that sense of power that he got that drove him to hang out with them all the time. that day was no exception, with hopes of getting his life back on track, bokuto decided to hang out with them once again. he can clearly remember walking down the street until his eyes spotted a familiar head of hair on the other side of the street. 

of course... akaashi just had to be there. but more than anything, he was holding the hand of that other guy that bokuto saw around the dorm often. they were just out there, together, not afraid of what anyone would say - and akaashi looked so happy. smiling, talking, just having a good time. bokuto wondered back then if he had enough courage to go out with akaashi publicly would things be different? but then again why would he go out... he's not gay right? 

maybe that's why he was in the cafe with kotori right now, desperate to prove to himself that he was normal, that he was attracted to women - yet as more seconds passed he found himself not being attracted to kotori at all. she was... gorgeous. long brown hair and dark eyes, her lips light pink, she was just average height with a gorgeous figure  - she was everything and yet.

"wanna talk about it?" she asked placing her hand on bokuto's.

"i'm just confused lately... not much to say there"

"is it love stuff?"

"love stuff?"

"you look like you recently went through a break-up"

bokuto stared at kotori with wide eyes. was it that visible that he felt like absolute trash? he hated to admit it, he didn't want to - but the fact was that he felt awful for treating akaashi in such a way. maybe part of him believed that he could get away with anything and still keep his place with the popular guys, maybe part of him was convinced that akaashi would stay.

they were together for months. well, not together, but they knew each other pretty well. what was at first just nights spent together with little words spoken later turned into long conversations in each other's arms. so where did it all go wrong? was it the gay rumor? was it the comments he started making that made akaashi go away? quite possibly.

yet he hated to admit it. he hated to admit the fact that there was chemistry between him and akaashi. 

"you know, you might think i approached you because you are handsome, which you are, but i really approached you because you looked really sad. i want to be your friend" kotori followed up with words bokuto did not expect to hear at all.

"my friend?" bokuto asked in disbelief.

"yeah. you seem like you could use a good friend" kotori smiled widely.

something inside of bokuto clicked. 

even though he was surrounded by the guys he hangs out with, he never really felt like they were his... friends. something was missing, as if they were too afraid to get too close to each other, to share their feelings - they're all guys anyway, why would guys share their feelings... 

that felt wrong.

so now that kotori said that, bokuto felt something inside him click. like an old lock that suddenly broke - something came out of the chest he had locked away deep inside. a part of... old him. 

"i... i really could. thank you for saying that" bokuto gave kotori a smile, a genuine one this time.

"so...you wanna tell me what's going on?" she followed up.

"i'm confused about who i am and who i like. i feel like i treated a very important person very badly and now i'm in a situation i cannot reverse" bokuto spoke, trying to avoid anything that would give away who he was talking about.

"how did you really feel about that person?"

"at first it was just... sexual attraction. gosh, they were just perfect. i think somewhere along the way i started developing feelings but i chose to repress them" 

"oh... why would you do that?"

"i don't know. i guess i was scared."

finally, bokuto found himself admitting something to himself. no matter how much he would deny it - he did like akaashi. he liked a guy. he felt attracted to a guy. he was not the straight man he portrayed himself to be - but admitting that is so hard when you spent years building your reputation.

"my question is why were you scared? usually, when we are scared of something, it has something to do with our past. for example, i'm scared of walking in empty places when it's dark because when i was little i was almost kidnapped.  i was scared of being myself because i grew up in a very strict household, so when i escaped that place i found it hard to adapt at first... so why were you scared to love a person?" kotori stared into his eyes but something in bokuto told him that kotori already knew what he was talking about.

she knew. and she was offering her support.

"... i'm confused about who i am. who i should follow. scared to be like i used to be. but i didn't realize how bad this would affect the people around me"

"hey, there's still time. you can start improving bit by bit, i don't mind introducing you to my friend group! we can offer you some advice. but the first step you should take by yourself" kotori winked at bokuto.

"first step?" the other raised an eyebrow.

"an apology. i think you owe somebody one" she said casually. before she could continue her phone rang and she kindly excused herself outside, half-yelling at her friend on the phone for interrupting a conversation as she stomped outside. bokuto was left by himself to wonder.

an apology. he never properly apologized to akaashi. he tried to talk to him, pretending that he's okay and that akaashi's words didn't stab at his heart when he said he wants to end things. as bokuto pulled out his own phone he laughed at the image that he saw, seems like he had locked his phone on the "am i attracted to men" question - a question he knew the answer to.

truth to be told, old bokuto wouldn't have batted an eye and would have pursued akaashi till the end of time - but the new bokuto decided to push him away. all he could do sometimes was think about the type of person he used to be before he changed.

when bokuto was a teenager, he was open. open, loud, everywhere and anywhere, having fun and having crushes on anyone that made his heart skip a beat - didn't matter what gender the person was. but he was alone. that one time when news about him having a boyfriend spread he was pushed away by everyone - his friends, his family, everyone. and suddenly he was alone.

and he hated it. he never wanted that again. he never wanted to be pushed away ever again. if having a boyfriend is what caused it, then for sure being gay is the problem. 

however adult life is different. same-sex couples on the campus were not a rare occurrence. there was acceptance. if teen bokuto had known this... he would have never changed.

..

..

.

..

..

hello hello yes, welcome to bokuto's head and slow acceptance of his bad actions. 

hope you are all doing okay!! stay safe!

hope you enjoyed it!

hatari.