↻ AUTHOR ࿐྄ྀ  taes_smirk
↻ REVIEWER ࿐྄ྀ  astrxzaki

First Light :: 8/20

» Title :: 2/5

The title stays true to your story's plot, but it's too basic and way overused. Book titles are the first thing the reader sees when searching for new material to read, so the title needs to be something unique and attention-catching, something that will immediately hook your reader in. Written works with unoriginal titles will most likely be skipped by the majority of the readers, so I advise you to change the title to something more unique yet fitting to your story. Unfortunately, I'm horrible with titles so I couldn't help you much, but I hope you take my advice.

» Cover :: 5/10

The cover is simple and the colors go well together, but it's too light for an angsty (and smutty) fanfiction. Yes, it may be an AU centered around your OC's and the Bangtan Boys' high school life, but there are many serious themes in this book, including but not limited to explicit context (actions, language, etc.), attacks, stalker behaviour, and more.

I suggest changing your cover to something darker, yet still sticks with the theme. The subtitle isn't visible, so enlarge the text a bit. And I also noticed how I couldn't find the author's username anywhere in the cover, so I suggest placing your name at the top or bottom of your cover.

» Blurb :: 1/5

A blurb is supposed to be a summary of your story, but the blurb you put in your book's blurb is just a scene from the prologue (and first chapter). It didn't summarize your book's main plot line, which also plays a crucial role in catching a reader's attention and attracting them enough so they start reading.

Starting a blurb with a dialogue isn't that bad, but I suggest you summarize the story line. Make sure to add the key points of the story, but make sure not to reveal too much so you won't spoil the audience.

Dawn :: 4/10

I'm going to be completely honest: I dislike how I read the same exact scene three times; the first time in the blurb, the second in the prologue, and the third in the first chapter. Repetitive scenes are bothersome just as much as repeated words are, so I suggest you keep the rejection scene in the first chapter only.

I have a lot more to say about the starting scenes of the "Prologue" and "Chapter One", but please read the rest of my review instead. Specifically, the paragraphs listed under 'Writing Style'.

Plot and Idea :: 5/20

I'm sorry if I seem rude (and trust me when I say that it is not my intention to be), but the main plot of this story is very unoriginal.

A "not like other girls" protagonist who's bullied by dozens of people (except for her one and only friend) falls in love with the famous yet coldhearted bad boy, who unsurprisingly rejects her and lets her become the laughing stock of the entire school. Not only that, but she also just so happens to have a bad past with a mentally ab*sive father and a d**d mom.

It's very cliche, and this isn't the first book I've come across with this kind of plotline. In order to garner more readers, your book needs to be unique. Readers won't settle for reading a book with a similar― if not nearly the same― plot to another book they've read before. I suggest adding more unique aspects to your story that are different from the rest, something that will astound your readers and urge them to read further.

Characters and Emotions :: 5/15

I'll also be upfront about this. Your OC, Yejin, lacks personality and originality. And to be completely honest, I don't quite get her. She cried when she got rejected by her crush, but she somehow had the guts to stand up and shout at her own father.

I also find it impossible how she's so clueless about explicit things when she's literally in high school. If she lived in a bad environment all her life and wasn't exposed to these things, it would have been possible, but wouldn't she at least have heard topics like this being whispered and passed around in the school halls?

And in the first chapter, Jimin didn't exactly call her rude names in front of the whole cafeteria, or just flat out said 'I don't like you'. When Jimin said "Dating is a waste of my time", he wasn't exactly being harsh to her. He was more apathetic, without a care in the world.

Also, in the ending scene in Chapter Eight, how come Jimin is suddenly so sweet to her, taking care of her and all when he literally forced her to clean his house and made her call him 'master' a few chapters ago? It's confusing. I advise you to minimize the exaggerated feelings and avoid sudden outbursts of emotion, unless it's the perfect time.

Writing Style :: 5/15

Your chapters are average in length, I'd say, but I dislike how you constantly switch from past tense to present tense.

As I read the first chapter, you used the word 'said' so I automatically assumed the story was in the past tense. Fast forward a few chapters later, you use 'say', 'laugh', and more, so I thought it was only the first chapter that was different. But I was proven wrong when 'said' returned. Changing the tenses every so often is distracting and should definitely be avoided. I suggest sticking to the past tense.

The different time settings per chapter also perplexes me. It changes a lot, the story travelling from timeline to timeline, which I genuinely find irritating. Majority of the early chapters start with a flashback from years ago, and mid-chapter, it changes back to the present. Adding 'flashback' or 'present time' doesn't exactly make it any less confusing. I advise you to stick to one timeline only and/or start your story at the very beginning, three years before Jimin rejected Yejin.

Another thing I'd like to point out is how some of the scenes in your book (specifically the first chapter) seem a bit exaggerated. Yes, a seemingly normal girl confessing and being rejected may be hilarious to some (for a few long days), but the #1 on Twitter? The countless bullying even after a week? Jimin forcing her to be his errand girl when she literally doesn't owe anything to him? Like I stated, it's over exaggerated.

The #1 on Twitter most probably couldn't have been possible unless Jimin is really famous, or their school is one of those Elite Academies that the media loves gossiping about. And if someone did manage to post a video about it, where are the administrators of the account? The school? Jimin may have paid them off if he was one of those rich kids, but it wasn't stated in the early chapters of the book (Chapters 1, 2, 3).

And I apologize, but some of the scenes included in your story are either emotionless or exaggerated/have too much emotion― neither of which are good.

And another thing I'd like to add: please refrain from using Korean suffixes like '-ssi', and Korean terms that might not be understood by International readers like 'Eonnie' or 'Gwaenchana'. It's― like I stated a few paragraphs before― distracting. Your story is written in English so I suggest you only use English words to avoid confusion from your viewers.

Grammar :: 8/20

Your grammar is decent and I didn't have trouble visualizing the scenes, but there were a lot of typographical and grammatical errors I spotted throughout each chapter.

For example, 'I sigh and started to me pack my thing up' should be 'I sighed and started to pack my things up'.

'I was nervous, my palms were sweating as I―' should be 'I was nervous. My palms were sweating as I―'.

'...an ordinary girl liked me' should be '...an ordinary girl like me'.

And so on.

I suggest editing and fixing those mistakes, or if you don't have time to do it, get a proofreader or an editor who can help you out. I spotted some slang in the descriptions as well, which you should steer clear of when writing a book for it to stay professional.

Another detail I noticed is how you tend to use the word 'said' a lot of times― 'said loudly', 'said sadly', and more. You also tend to use the same dialogue tags more than twice or thrice, like the word 'ask'.  I suggest expanding and using different (but similar) terms, like 'shouted', 'sighed', 'hollered', and a lot more.

Along with that, I found many italicized words throughout the book (i.e. 'politely', 'month old', 'existing', 'my' errand girl, and more). The word 'dyslexia' was also highlighted twice in the same chapter. All of them are unnecessary and should be removed, especially since thoughts/internal dialogues are mostly italicized.

TOTAL :: 35/100

Reviewer's Note :: I truly apologize if I sound impudent and you feel offended by my words, but I'm just writing down my honest input after reading and analyzing your book. The potential is there, no doubt, but that isn't exactly enough. You need someone to assist you and guide you to make your book better, but then again, that's what we're here for, no?

Please don't be too heartbroken. I sincerely hope you take note and use my advice to improve your writing skills. It will make me really happy if you do. Please don't hesitate to go back if you have any more questions or need more help. I wish you all the best. :)

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Yours Truly,
SeeSaw Fam.