Heyy

First off, if you're reading this, tysm :)

i honestly have no idea why i am writing this but here goes::

last year on my birthday (april 26) this guy from my class wished me. he was in my section but I didn't know him yet coz sections were shuffled and honestly half of the people were strangers to me. anyway, he wished me and we got to talk. we talked like everyday for hours and our friendship grew. at a point i think it was october or smth, we knew everything about each other.

thats when i realised that i have a harbouring bloody crush on him

now, idk why but i've never had a serious crush on anyone before him. it was actually more than a crush i genuinely liked him and honestly it felt amazing

i would blush like crazy on his compliments and like everything a middle school crush is like yk?

and then our friendship was still growing, we were basically best friends and this all crush thing was new to me so i was in no hurry to tell him about my feelings.

(watching him talk about his crush was difficult ofc but i am good at faking it)

then on 12 january this year, at 2am, he asked me out on discord. now i know yall must be thinking how insensitive to ask out on chat and stuff, but well the covid cases where i live were really high at that time so there was lockdown and we couldn't meet anyone till school started (which it did like a week ago) and his friends had suggested him to go for it so he asked me out

i rejected.

i am sorry but i just- i panicked. and i dont think i am ready for a relationship. idk if i am scared or not, either way I couldn't jump into it so soon. and i didn't wanna lose him as a friend  too so you see how i was in a lose-lose situation? yeah that is pretty much my life these days

what happened next is even more complicated, coz next day i had texted him explaining my situation, saying that i like him but i ain't ready for a relationship. then, against my big ass ego, i asked him if he could wait for me. like wait till i am ready and not go jumping at another girl

he refused.

and i thought okay, its alright, maybe I wouldn't have waited either and I convinced myself not to blame him.

i had taken screenshots of this part where i had asked him to wait and i had sent them to my besties.

my dad saw those screenshots.

some same apple id hocus pocus i dunno but my dad saw those and I won't go into details but he warned him to stay away from me and he scolded me a lot.

long story short i haven't talked to my annoyingly-still-a-crush/ex-bsf/maybe-love-of-life since then and IT SUCKS OK?

I WANNA TALK TO HIM BUT I CANT COZ I DONT WANNA BREAK MY DAD'S TRUST AGAIN

ITS LIKE THE TWO SIDES OF MY HEART ARE AT WAR WITH ITSELF

I HATE THIS

and guys have asked me out in the past, not bragging. bcoz trust me, its more a curse than a blessing to have guys liking you

and i also know that some of them still like me and haven't moved on yet

WHICH SUCKS TOO BCOZ THE GUY I LIKE WILL PROBABLY MOVE ON AND THESE FUCKERS WONT UGH

yeah

i hate this

yall might be thinking that whats up with this bitch she's just a teenager-

well yes but you gotta understand that he is the first guy that i like (maybe love) and he slipped away from me like nothing and idk what to DO

yeah 2.0

if you think you can help me in any way please do ;-;

bye

update:: so he has a fucking girlfriend now.

update no.2:: i think i love him. help.