MUM
Hermione, I never really talk
with you anymore

HERMIONE
your the one who wanted me to
make friends

HERMIONE
i made a friend

HERMIONE
actions have consequences

MUM
What is with the attitude lately?

HERMIONE
maybe try checking up on me

HERMIONE
like you did before we found warren again

HERMIONE
wait.

HERMIONE
that was harsh

HERMIONE
i'm sorry

MUM
Your forgiven

MUM
I understand I haven't been around
as much

MUM
But, I do love you very much

MUM
Things have been rather... chaotic
of late

HERMIONE
tell me about it!

MUM
were the problems at school
cleared up?

HERMIONE
yeah, yeah, sure

MUM
that doesn't sound like they were..

HERMIONE
it's fine, it's mainly cleared up

MUM
if you wish, I can try and do
something about it

HERMIONE
no

HERMIONE
the last time you did that people
got hurt

MUM
Tell me how to fix it and I will

HERMIONE
just leave it

HERMIONE
if i wanted help, i would've asked

MUM
of course

MUM added WARREN to the chat!

WARREN
why did u add me?

MUM
tell your sister you'll sort out
her problems at school

WARREN
what's going on at school?

HERMIONE
nothing

HERMIONE
it's fine

WARREN
alright, little miss sunshine

HERMIONE
how old r u again?

HERMIONE
fifty?!

WARREN
thirty-seven, thank you very much

MUM
see what I mean about attitude...

WARREN
is it that Hope girl?

HERMIONE
that's not how attitude works

HERMIONE
i have always had one

HERMIONE
u just preferred to not be on the
receiving end

MUM
Prove its not Hope giving you
attitude

HERMIONE
warren, if it's not you owe me ten pounds

WARREN
I am not agreeing to that

HERMIONE
whatever.

HERMIONE added HOPE to the chat!

HERMIONE changed the chat name to WE PUT THE 'D' IN DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

HERMIONE
my mother made me add u btw

HOPE
hi Mrs crow!

MUM
hello hope

WARREN
hiya, you alright?

HOPE
yeah i am good thanks

HOPE
also, who's who?

HERMIONE
i'm hermione

HERMIONE
nvm u knew that...

HOPE
lmao

MUM
I am Miss Crow

MUM
but please, call me Norma

WARREN
Warren Fox

HOPE
cool

HERMIONE
WHY IS THIS SO AWKWARD

HERMIONE
ISTG

HERMIONE
THIS IS WEIRDDD

HOPE
LMAO

HOPE
BETTER THAN MY PARENTS CHAT

HERMIONE
NAH

HERMIONE
I CAN BULLY UR DAD THERE

HOPE
btw my mum says hi!

HERMIONE
tell her i said hi back!!

WARREN
the fuck is happening...?

MUM
they are speaking in some sort of code

HERMIONE
ITS CALLED TEXT SPEAK

HERMIONE
GANGSTA GRANNY
DELTED
GRANNY

HOPE
LMAO

HOPE
ur household sounds chaotic af

HERMIONE
TIS

WARREN
Joel is trying to text me

WARREN
can u lot shut up

MUM
then add him to the chat group?

WARREN
I am not gonna

HERMIONE added JOEL to the chat!

HERMIONE
there we go!

HOPE
who's Joel?!

HERMIONE
that, right there, is a tricky one

WARREN
my son

WARREN
which makes hermione his aunt, despite her being eleven years younger than him

HOPE
fun

HOPE
u lot really r a complicated family

JOEL
tell me about it, stranger

HOPE
i take it your joel?!

JOEL
yes, and you are?

HOPE
hope

JOEL
ah!

JOEL
Hermione's friend!

HERMIONE
yes, that one

HERMIONE
okay, so now we are acquainted
with the family

WARREN
so sienna and the twins are now irrelevant?

HERMIONE
would sienna appreciate being added into this?

WARREN
not really

HOPE
who are we missing?

JOEL
sienna, my dads ex and her five year old
twins which are his

HOPE
just when i think this family can't
get any weirder

HERMIONE
what abt godfrey?!

MUM
what about him?

HERMIONE
isn't he a part of the family?!

HERMIONE
wait...

HERMIONE
why haven't i seen him around recently

HERMIONE
ever since we moved in with warren

WARREN
which he is thrilled about, by the way

HERMIONE
DID HE DIE?!

HOPE
i do NOT like how quickly
u jumped to that conclusion

MUM
he is no longer with us

HERMIONE
what?!

HERMIONE
i liked him!

WARREN
Norma, stop being dramatic

WARREN
he betrayed us and so Norma let
him go

WARREN
no one died

WARREN
he is still very much alive

JOEL
i highly doubt if he were still driving
Norma about that he would want to be
in the group chat

MUM
Joel has a point

HERMIONE
oh

HOPE
tough times we live in

HOPE
UNCLE KOL STARTED A NERF GUN
WAR

HERMIONE
WHAT R THE TEAMS?!

HOPE
EVERY BITCH FOR THEMSELVES

HOPE
according to him at least

HERMIONE
rooting for u <3

HOPE
AAHHH

HOPE
GTG

HOPE
BYEEEE

HERMIONE
bye hope!

WARREN
are you gay for that kid?

WARREN
or are you dating?

HERMIONE
NO!

HERMIONE
Hope and I are just friends!

HERMIONE
nothing more!

WARREN
alright! just asking!!

HERMIONE
good

HERMIONE
she's not into girls anyways

JOEL
and if she were...?

HERMIONE
stop asking me things!

HERMIONE
goodbye!!

WARREN
well that's adorable

JOEL
don't try anything

MUM
you two do realise hope has most
probably read all of this?

WARREN
and...?

JOEL
why was i added to this in
the first place?