four years later

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k a y l a n i

i haven't been in los angeles for four years.

after my almost near death experience, i went to the hospital. my sister, juliana, and my moms came rushing, along with jayden and kyree.

my moms came in the room first and they were crying. kylie was shaking so hard from crying, juliana had an anxiety attack, so she also had to be hospitalized. when billie came in the room, the nurses healed up her knuckles. i told the cops the story, every detail, and i didn't even cry.

i was in the hospital for about two weeks. freddie went to trial and was found guilty and had a life sentence with no parole. nathaniel also went to trial again, found guilty and is serving 20 years in jail for sexual assault.

after that, i began having nightmares, panic attacks and nothing was helping. not therapy, not billie, not my moms, not kylie and juliana. nobody.

i graduated senior year, and i got accepted into yale, duke university, nyu and many more colleges and of course i picked yale.

i moved to connecticut. billie and i broke up. i told her i needed time, i needed space. i didn't want to date anybody during college. i was learning law, i wanted to be a lawyer. and i also didn't want to do long distance. billie begged for come with me, but i told her it was time for her to do her own thing. it was time for her to find her passion.

when i left, there were a lot of tears. happy tears. i was never away from my family, ever, but they were happy for me. billie didn't even come see me before i left and that's what hurt me the most, but i knew her pain, i broke up with her and god knows how long we were going to be broken up for.

and now, we've been broken up for four years.

we only kept in contact like three times the whole time i was at yale and then after, we just stopped. she was busy focusing on music, her passion was music and she was doing that with finneas, while i studied being a lawyer.

i've heard her songs before. she put out her first album two years ago, called don't smile at me. my favorite songs on the album is, bellyache, idontwannabeyouanymore and ocean eyes.

i cried when i heard the songs. not because i missed her, which i did so much, but because i was happy for her. billie came from a terrible past, a mom and dad who tortured her, left her and thought they could come back like nothing was wrong. billie was the last person i was ever with and i haven't seen anybody who caught my eyes, but i have seen billie with other girls on instagram, and it did hurt, but i didn't let it affect me. i'm the one who broke up with her, i have no place to be hurt.

now it's august, a few days after i turned 22. i spent my 22nd birthday with two friends i made in yale. crystal and nadia. i didn't really have a lot of friends, but they were people i hung out with the most, so i celebrated my birthday with them.

i still want to be a lawyer, most definitely. so i was still practicing, but for the summer, i decided to go to los angeles. not for billie, for nathaniel.

he has 17 more years in jail and i haven't seen him once. i don't like him, never will. but, i wanted closure. i never asked him why he treated me the way he did. i wanted to know.

and here i was, sitting in front of him, in los angeles for the first time in four years, first time seeing nathaniel in four years. his hair grew out a lot, he grew a beard and didn't have his nose piercing anymore. he looked grown for him being only 22, but that's what jail can do to you.

"i'm surprised you came to see me," he spoke first, his voice rough and deep.

"yeah.." i whispered, shifting in the seat uncomfortably. i don't know why their seats had to be so rough. "how're they treating you in here?"

"life or death kaylani. it isn't easy, it's been three years and i'm still not used to it, but it's prison. what you expect?" he questioned and i just shrugged. "how you been? read you in the newspapers. aaliyah jackson's daughter graduates yale and is studying to become a lawyer in criminal justice,"

"that's me," i said with a smile and he chuckled, running his hands over his beard. "i..um. i'm here to tell you that i forgive you nathaniel. i'm here to tell you that these past five years, i've been holding my head up, ever since the situation happened. but i forgive you, i'll never forget, but it feels so good to say i forgive you,"

"you do?" he asked and i nodded. "that means a lot kaylani. i will never forgive myself for what i did. but thank you for real. that really means a lot,"

"but why nathaniel?" i asked him, tilting my head to the side. "why would you do that to me?"

"i'm not going to sit here and justify my actions. there's no reason to sexually assault somebody, to bring them that type of trauma. there's no reason to it," he responded honestly.

"your dad have anything to do with it?"

nathaniel's dad was a monster. he treated nathaniel like shit when him and i were dating. i loved his mom, she was somebody i could always hang out with. she once told me she was scared to take nathaniel and run away from the dad, because she was scared he was going to find her and kill her. he wanted nathaniel to be like him. his dad is a business man and all nathaniel wanted to be in life was a basketball player, but his dad didn't want that for him. nathaniel is very smart, but with his dad behind him and pressuring him, it doesn't seem like it.

"even if he did, it's not a valid reason for what i did to you. there's no reason towards it. it wasn't you. it's all my fault. that's the reason. it's my fault," he pressed and i nodded my head.

"hey.." i whispered.

i tapped my hand against his knee and he put his hand under the table and i grabbed his hands in mine. thoughts about him came back into my mind, but i pushed it away. i couldn't cry, i couldn't choke up.

"i'm gonna always have some type of love for you, deep down," i admitted. "only because you showed me all the types of love. the emotional love, the aggressive one, the wrong one. you taught me some deep shit, when we had our deep moments. you're the one who told me i should become a lawyer in the few months you actually treated me like a human being and not a punching bag. i thought you were my first love, i thought you were my 'forever'. but, i think when you get out of here, you're gonna be somebody new..you're gonna be 35 when you're out of here, and i want you to chase YOUR dreams. i want you to have a family of your own..understand? this will be my first and last time visiting you, but promise me when you get out of here, try and start your own family,"

"i don't think i should," he swallowed. "i'm a man who almost raped my girlfriend. who would want to be with somebody like me? i can't be a basketball player no more. i fucked up my future,"

"no you didn't," i pressed. "you didn't fuck up your future. maybe your basketball dream, but not your family dream. i know you want to have kids of your own and a wife..maybe not a wife but i know you want kids and who's gonna tell you that you can't have children?"

"kaylani, you're too sweet for this world," he whispered. "but, i think i'm going to be alone my whole life and i can totally live with that. i have a terrible background in which i created for myself, and ima just live with it. YOU need to chase your dreams. have children of your own, have your own family,"

"there's no point," i chuckled. "i lost the love of my life. i don't want nobody to know me the way she did. i promised myself i was going to have kids with HER. i was going to marry HER, but i lost her. so i guess we're both going to be alone,"

"yeah no," nathaniel said with a shake of his head. "you didn't lose billie. billie is deeply in love with you. i be seeing her on the news. those girls she's with, they're nothing compared to you. your vibe and love is irreplaceable. you're somebody who can't be replaced. billie will never give up on you,"

"how do you know?"

"because she came to see me on your birthday," and when he said that, my eyes widened. it took her a lot of balls to come see him and not beat the shit out of him, i'm proud. "she told me she forgave me. we had a short conversation, but we conversed about you. told me she's waiting for you. told me she's never going to give up on you,"

i blinked my tears away quickly. a jail is the worst place to cry and i'm not going to cry in here, absolutely not.

"you're not in jail kaylani. you're 22, about to be a lawyer, you're beautiful, kindest person i ever met. YOU can have a family of your own. so boss up and go see billie. still lives in the same house, fame didn't change her.."

i couldn't go see billie. i'm not that strong to go see her. i was only staying in los angeles for a week before i go back to connecticut. jayden and kylie moved in together, kyree and juliana moved in together and my moms still lived in the house together.

nathaniel and i ended the conversation and i wished him well and he did the same and then i left, and began my drive back to my childhood house.

•

i parked a few blocks down the house, because i didn't want my moms to see me. i mean, they wouldn't really know if it was me, because i changed my car the last time they saw me and it's been one whole year since i seen them in person.

i gulped as i stood in front of the door and then i pressed the doorbell and i heard the familiar ring in the house.

i heard a few voices and i was prepared for one of my moms to open the door, but my heart dropped when kylie opened the door. and this wasn't a regular kylie, this was a pregnant kylie who looked like she was about 6 months pregnant.

"OH HOLY SHIT!" she screamed and then pulled me into a hug.

i didn't rush no time in wrapping my arms around her and we hugged each other tightly, swaying back and forth as i rubbed her back. i then heard a few more gasps and when i opened my eyes, i saw my moms and juliana, along with jayden and kyree in the back.

"oh my god i fucking missed you," kylie sniffled as she pulled back from the hug.

i hugged the others tightly. it felt so good to be around them and i was surprised kylie was pregnant, but i was happy because i was about to become an auntie.

"we just found out kylie was pregnant a few minutes ago and now you're here..oh my god," juliana said as we all sat down in the living room.

"y'all just found out?" i asked and they nodded. "girl or boy?"

"a girl," kylie shrieked.

i cupped my hands around my mouth as i felt tears fall down my face. kylie always wanted a kid and she always wanted a girl and she's really getting her wish and shit i'm so happy for her.

"we named her myra leigh thompson," kylie told me and i pouted at the name, it was so fucking cute. "when'd you get to los angeles?"

"a few hours ago. i went to go see nathaniel. first and last time," i told them and all their eyes widened. "i told him i forgave him. i told him i wanted him to start his own family when he got out, but he said he can't forgive himself for what he did to me, and he felt like he was going to be lonely forever.."

"did he tell you she went to go see him?" jayden asked me and i nodded, knowing immediately who he was talking about. "does she know you're here?"

"no," i sighed. "i broke her. she opened up to me, she let herself open up to me. she saw me dead and i still left her. adding more shit on top of that,"

"don't blame yourself," my mom aaliyah cooed. "you was dealing with your own things kaylani. you did what you had to do and now you're a college graduate, ready to be a lawyer,"

"bitch i can't believe you're about to be a lawyer," juliana said and i nodded. "and i hope you ain't get no new besties in connecticut, or else i'm gonna have to fight you,"

"you're my bestfriend forever, stop," i chuckled and she winked at me.

"so you don't think you're going to get back with bil?" kylie asked me and i shrugged.

"she looks happy without me. i still have trauma. we have shared trauma, but we're going in different paths. i'm happy for her and i'll always love her. maybe her and i aren't meant to be," i shrugged. "i'm staying in los angeles for a week anyways. gotta go to law school, like legit shit. yale was step one, now this..this is where i really work to be an actual lawyer,"

"where you staying?" my mother, lisa asked.

"in a hotel near here,"

"a hotel?" my mom exclaimed. "girl, your room is still set up here and you talking about a hotel? where's your suitcase and stuff?"

"in my car," i chuckled.

kyree and jayden said they were going to get my things which only left the girls in the house for a few.

"kaylani with black, long hair. and you got thick, your skin is clear, and you don't wear your contacts no more?" juliana teased and i laughed.

"i'm not 17 no more. i think black, long hair suits me. and, i'm a pretty good cook, i always cooked for myself in connecticut," i smiled.

the boys came back and we went upstairs to set my room up for a week. everything was in place, except for the clothes i took. the led lights was still here, my television, almost everything.

i was in the room by myself and i began walking around and then i saw the prom picture of billie and i. her in her all white gucci suit while i wore a gucci white dress that looked so bomb on me. i picked up the picture and traced my fingers over it, reminiscing about my teenager years.

i bit my lip as i saw the necklace billie gave me in the hospital. a necklace that had her name on it that i didn't have guts to take to connecticut. and the bhlosh necklace she gave me for my 17th.

and then i just broke down.

my shoulders moving up and down as little sobs left my lips. i ruined my one chance of being happily in love. billie should've came with me, but at the same time, she would've never put her music out, because she also needed finneas for that, but i'm glad she stayed. it was the best decision.

i wiped my tears and i let out a huge sigh and i changed into black sweats and a white tube top and slipped on some black socks and i pulled my hair into a bun, and i too off all my makeup with some makeup wipes i bought.

i cleared my throat and i walked out my room, making my way downstairs and turned to the living room, but then i saw the familiar green and black hair and my whole world stopped.

she turned around as she heard me coming and her blue eyes stared into my brown ones.

i started breathing heavy, not trying to cry since i LITERALLY just cried about her a few minutes ago. i was tired of crying. but i haven't seen billie in four years and here she is. in front of me. billie fucking o'connell is in front of me. the love of my life.

"kaylani.." she whispered.

i let out a soft sob and she walked up to me and wrapped her arms around my waist and my hands quickly wrapped around her neck, pulling her tightly into me as i cried into her shoulders. it felt like it was just us two in the room. i missed hugging her, i missed smelling her. i fucking missed her so much.

"i missed you. i missed you so much," i cried.

"i missed you too baby, so much,"

baby. she called my baby and that just made me cry even harder.

"hey it's okay..it's okay," she cooed in my ears.

"i..how..how.." i stuttered, pulling back from the hug and holding her face in my hands softly.

"nathaniel called me. told me you went to go visit him and he said he felt like you were on your way here and he was right.." she told me. "you thought you were going to leave me kaylani lynn? you thought i wasn't going to come back,"

"please don't let me go..ever again. please," i begged softly and she smiled. "you don't fucking know how painful it was for me to leave you. i didn't even see you when i left. but, i'm proud of you for taking my advice. miss billie eilish. thought you couldn't sing,"

"somebody once told me, somebody who says they can't sing, could actually sing..so i took it to my advantage," she chuckled and i smiled with my bottom lip in between my teeth.

god how much i've missed her smile. i was addicted to her. i fucking love this girl with everything in me and she's standing right in front of me and i don't wanna let her go.

"kaylani lynn mariah jackson," billie said and i nodded. "wanna take a ride with me?"

"let me go slip on some shoes," i said and she nodded.

i went upstairs and i slipped on my white crocs and i looked at myself in the mirror. billie was literally downstairs. and goddamn did she look so fucking beautiful.

i grabbed my keys, phone and purse and i made my way downstairs. i said goodbye to my family, kissed kylie's stomach and then billie and i went outside to her car.

we both got inside and then she started driving.

"how you been?" she asked me.

"i've been..." i hesitated and she took a glance at me. "i've been okay. yale was very hard, but it's nothing i couldn't do. i graduated in may, by myself. i'm used to being myself now, like independent. i relied on my family so many times ya know? like i'm used to doing shit on my own. and how about you? miss billie eilish. your album reached #1 on itunes so fast!"

"keeping tabs on me?" she asked, smirking lightly and i scoffed. "i've been good. stopped touring in july. working to make my second album,"

"you did so good for your first album. bellyache, ocean eyes and idontwannabeyouanymore are my favorites," i responded.

"ocean eyes is about you," she said. "when i first met you..you wore blue eye contacts and those were the eyes i met first when i met you. but, i fell in love with your brown eyes.."

i looked down to my feet in the crocs, the only sound was the wind as she drove down the streets of los angeles, surprised nobody noticed her car, but it was kind of dark outside.

"and i'm still in love with them kaylani,"

and that made my heart skip a beat. i looked over to billie who was just looking at the road and i blushed slightly, looking down at my phone.

it was silent in the car and she drove for about another forty minutes and by the smell of the salt water and the sounds of birds, i knew where we were at.

malibu beach.

"malibu beach?" i chuckled and she just shrugged.

she parked her car and we both got out. it was kind of chilly and i was literally in a tube top. i should've changed, but i was so eager to spend time with billie.

"here," she whispered, wrapping a blanket around me and i smiled.

she went back inside the car and i turned around and looked at the moon that was shining down bright on the sea, and i saw the reflection on the water. it was so beautiful.

i turned back around and i saw billie put something in her back pocket quickly, and she shot me a smile and i smiled back at her.

"c'mon,"

and then we began walking on the beach.

"the reflection of the moon on the water is so beautiful," i gasped.

"my view is way better," billie said.

i turned to looked at her and i saw that she was looking at me. i gulped nervously and i went closer to her and grabbed her face in my hand. she nuzzled her cheek against my hand and i smiled softly.

"i missed your touch. i missed you so much kaylani lynn," she spoke up. "i thought you left me forever. i didn't know what i was going to do with my life if i never saw you again,"

"i told you i was never going anywhere," i responded. "and i meant that. i stand on it bil,"

"all those girls you seen me with, they were nothing. it was just for the public. i've never kissed one of them, never flirted with any of them," she said. "you were on my mind everyday. i read articles about you, saw pictures of you. you just grew up so much. and i was so scared you fell in love with somebody else,"

"bil," i whispered. "you're the only person i can ever genuinely love. i love you forever. you've been on my mind ever since i left for college. i never flirted with anybody else, or kissed anybody else. they weren't you. i only wanted you. i only want you,"

her hand reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear and she ran her thumb across my bottom lip softly.

"marry me," she whispered.

"shut up," i chuckled, kissing her thumb softly.

"marry me kaylani," she repeated.

she reached behind her back and then her hand came in between us and i saw a black box and my heart began racing.

"w-what?" i stuttered, bringing my hand to my mouth as tears slipped down my face. "billie don't play with me right now,"

"marry me," she repeated me once again and she got down on one knee and opened the box revealing the most beautiful ring ever. "make me the happiest girl ever and marry me kaylani lynn mariah jackson,"

"yes!" i cried out.

i went down on my knees, grabbed her and smashed our lips together. for the first time in four years.

this was the place she said she gave me the promise ring and told me she was going to turn it into an engagement ring and she stuck on her word.

"i love you," i sobbed, as she slipped the ring on my left finger.

"i love you so much more princess," she sniffled, wiping ay her tears. "god i fucking love you so much,"

we kissed once more, took pictures together and then we went back into the car.

"i gotta show you sum," she said and i nodded. "i wrote this song a few months ago. i was in a sad, depressed mood. i was thinking about so many shit and you popped up into my head..and i decided to write this song. in your perspective,"

"my perspective?" i asked and she nodded. "what is it called?"

"listen before i go,"

she opened her phone and then she clicked on the song. she put the windows up and it was silence in the car.

take me to the rooftop
i wanna see the world when
i stop breathing, turnin blue

she paused it and then looked at me.

i knew what this song was about when the first line came on. i gave her a nod to continue playing the song and she gave me a toothless smile.

tell me love is endless
don't be so pretentious
leave me like you do

while she was singing, i can hear like children voices in the back. i don't know what they meant, but it made it seem like people was actually around you.

if you need me
wanna see me
better hurry
cause i'm leavin soon

leaving soon meaning dying. she wrote this in my perspective. she wrote this in the way she thought i would think and so far so good.

sorry can't save me now
sorry i don't know how
sorry there's no way out
but down
mm, down

tears fell down my face, but i wiped the tears, sniffling softly.

taste me
the salty tears on my cheek
that's what year long
headache does to you

i was surprised with the drop, made the whole car shake but it was a good drop. the headache meaning everything bad that happened to me. the court, nathaniel, freddie. just everything.

i'm not okay
i feel so scattered
don't say i'm all that matters
leave me, deja vu

the sirens in the back. the drop again. i think this part really hits, because i felt like i was so alone. i had therapy, which helped at first..but then got worse overtime and i never said anything.

if you need me
wanna see me
you better hurry
i'm leaving soon

i also took this like as when i called billie when i was on the rooftop. telling her i wanted to fall down, and if she didn't get there quick enough, i would've fell.

sorry can't save me now
sorry i don't know how
sorry there's no way out
but down
mm, down

call my friends
and tell them that
i love them
and i'll miss them
but i'm not sorry

the tears fell furiously. my friends meaning kylie, my moms, juliana, kyree, jayden, finneas and claudia.

call my friends
and tell them that
i love them
and i'll miss them
sorry

the "sorry" in this one meaning i fell, with the sirens in the back. and then i broke down when i heard the scream..putting my face in my hand, my shoulder bouncing up and down.

and then the song ended.

"hey.." billie sniffled. "c'mere,"

i tackled her into a hug and i cried into her shoulder as she rubbed my hair softly, like she used to do when we were younger, and that comforted me.

"i'm sorry," i cried. "i didn't..i didn't know how you felt when you saw me trying to take my life away. i didn't .. i didn't know what was going on in my head. i'm so sorry,"

"don't apologize baby," she whispered.

"i really like the song," i sniffled, pulling away from her. "you told this from my perspective very good. especially with the last part and everything. i really really like it,"

"i wrote it for my next album. i just wanted to know if it was okay if i put it on my album," she said, looking at me with full eyes and i nodded. "yeah?"

"yeah,"

"you're about to be my wife. you're about to be my fucking wife!" she exclaimed, lightening up the mood and i giggled.

"we're forever now,"

•

KAYLANI AND BILLIE REUNITE.

i'm uploading fast because i'm tryna be finished w this book before next week cus whole lotta finals and i wanna be done w this before christmas break.

first, kaylani is so so strong to go see nathaniel in jail AND hold his hand? jesus christ lord have mercy. also, kylie is pregnant awe :( we love love to see it !

and my babies are fucking engaged, and of course i had to add listen before i go in here. that's kind of what i had planned for so so long and i just think this was such a masterpiece.

part 2 will be up soon!

– armani 🦋