「and so it goes away
as easy as you let it in
it's good to know if I hold my breath
I can live without the oxygen」

♫tors; we say no

✩ h o n g j o o n g ✩

It happened the night Yeosang let Hongjoong kiss him for the first time - the very first "I love you".

The words had just sprung from his lips, like a beautiful flower in Spring, but Winter had come sooner than expected. His heart was filled with joy, but only seconds later it would be torn open and bleed out the unrequited love, which had been built up only to go to waste.

Although the look in Yeosang's eyes had changed just slightly, it still wasn't enough for him to reciprocated the words or the feeling.

But Hongjoong didn't give up, and at every chance he got to spend time alone with Yeosang, feeling his wondrous body and gentle touch, and looking into the grey eyes that held his entire world, the love for the younger only grew bigger.

The second "I love you" was even more painful, because it was a desperate attempt to mend the broken soul that was crying in his arms - and it still wasn't enough. And Hongjoong had believed it would be the last time they ever saw each other.

Yeosang's last words to him echoed through his head, as Hongjoong stood frozen in his spot in the middle of the hallway, staring at the boy he thought he had lost for good.

His glitter and gold, was now being smeared across the hands of the devil.

"I never meant to hurt you, but I was too late to realize how I truly felt..."

Words so sincere, so fragile but deep - had it all been another lie? Standing there, looking like a gaping fool, it felt like someone had just punched him in the face. Yeosang's words were now a complete contrast to what Hongjoong had just witnessed. The cold stare, the way Yeosang had let Seonghwa touch him - and how he had pulled the older into his room.

"What's going on? Are you okay?" Joshua asked, nudging Hongjoong's elbow.

"W-who... Was that?" he mumbled back, as in a trance, praying that he might have seen things that weren't even there - mistaken some other pretty boy for being the one he used to love.

"Oh... Well, it's the guy I was telling you about," it then came from Joshua in a bitter tone, and with a roll of his blue eyes. "It's Kang Yeosang."

The confirmation to his worry hit him like a wall, and he silently followed Joshua down the hallway with wild thoughts fighting in his head.

Yeosang had indirectly admitted that he loved him too, right? So, why was he here, in the arms of Seonghwa, who Hongjoong had come to realize was pure evil? Was this just a sick game?

"So yeah, this is the entire place," Joshua said after they had walked around the building for a while. He had shown Hongjoong the three floors of the place, the shared kitchen and the common room where boys with pretty faces and golden hair, but empty eyes, were hanging out.

"Our room is located quite good, if I may say so, at least we have a nice view."

Hongjoong pursed his lips at that, yes, at least. A nice view towards the forest that from the looks of it seemed dark and endless, and hid his new home well between the tall trees. Even if he got past the security, he had no idea which way to go - and after the warning Joshua had given him earlier, he didn't even dare to try anymore.

He was stuck.

"Does... Seonghwa live here as well?" Hongjoong mumbled quietly, as they made their way back to their room on the second floor.

"No. He has an office here, but his apartment is in the city," the blonde replied, as if Hongjoong should know which city exactly he was talking about. The only thing he dares to believe was that they were located somewhere on the West Coast, as Seonghwa had told him once he had someone very special over there.

But he didn't even get to ask, before another question took over in his mind. "You don't... Seem too bothered being here?"

Joshua looked at him with his head tilted to the side, wondering - as if the question didn't even make sense to him.

"Why would I?" he then asked. "It's better than living on the streets. Either way, I would be sucking dick to get by, at least I get paid well and a roof over my head here. And if you do just your job and behave nicely, you're even allowed to go into the city by yourself on your days off."

"Great... What a perk..." Hongjoong scoffed.

The blonde seemed to ignore the look on Hongjoong's face, as he strutted his way towards his room before looking back over his shoulder. "Anyway, I need to get changed. Work starts in an hour."

Having heard nothing about going to work that very night, Hongjoong felt shivers stream down his back, uncertain if it meant he had to get ready as well.

"Do I... Have to work today too?" he forced himself to ask, already scared to death of the answer.

"No. Since you're new, Seonghwa is cutting you some slack, and you won't have to work at the club the first night here."

"The... Club?"

A long sigh fell from Joshua's lips, as he leaned against the doorframe, but Hongjoong had to ask since Seonghwa had told him pretty much nothing about his future life. Except him having to use his body to earn money, and the thought terrified him.

Although he had been working as a stripper for years, his old workplace still had its fair share of rules, and he could easily get customers who crossed the line kicked out - but he already knew that this place was nothing like that.

"The one in the basement," Joshua said, but his answer didn't clear things up at all - in fact, it only caused even more confusion. And the word basement did not calm Hongjoong's nerves in any way.

While his roommate walked into his bedroom, opening his closet to pick out an outfit for the night, Hongjoong cautiously stepped closer to the door as well.

"You said you had shown me everything though?"

Without looking at him, only eyeing a glittery shirt in his hand, Joshua replied: "It doesn't open until 9, so I couldn't show you before."

Hongjoong bit his bottom lip, almost too scared to ask, "What kind of club is it?"

"It's a host club. Do you know how that works?" Joshua waited for Hongjoong to shake his head at that question before continuing. "Bored businessmen will come here to be entertained and worshipped for the night, which will be your job, and sometimes you take them to the VIP room to let them fuck you - but never on the first night, you want them to come back, longing for more. And, to spend more money of course. Here, you can have this for when your first shift occurs. I assume you haven't gotten any clothes yet."

The glitter shirt was held out towards him, but despite the kind offer Hongjoong felt the blonde's words stab him right in the chest. This was his life now, and everything he knew and owned was left behind in a place he would never see again. He accepted the glistening piece of clothing, and looked at it with sad eyes.

"Will Yeosang be there as well?" he quietly mumbled, trying not to sound too interested in the other blonde that his roommate hated quite a lot.

"No," Joshua snorted. "Seonghwa doesn't let him work there. He is strangely possessive of that brat. Well. Enjoy your first night here, you can go watch a movie or something in the shared living room. Ask for Jeonghan if you want to talk to someone, he's off tonight, and he's pretty okay."

Hongjoong nodded while staring at the shirt in his hands, he then slowly turned around and headed towards his own room, and let Joshua get changed in peace.

✩

The minutes felt like hours, as the night passed by slowly while Hongjoong sat by the window - staring out into the darkness.

So many things had happened within such a short amount of time, and now when he was finally alone again, his head was spinning like crazy.

It felt like he was stuck inside a sick nightmare; everything was simply too messed up to even be real. This place, these people... Yeosang being there...

Hongjoong bent over on his seat, pinching his eyes together. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't - as if, he had simply run out of tears by now. Empty.

And that was when he realized that he hadn't eaten anything all day. He didn't feel hungry though, but he figured he should probably see if he could find something to eat. It was late, but Joshua had not returned from work yet, and Hongjoong guessed that he might not see his new roommate before the following morning.

He dragged his exhausted body down the dark corridor, till he reached the kitchen. It was a strange place indeed - the kitchen was very neat, spacious and clean, and the fridge filled with food. But Seonghwa surely would do anything to make the boys believe that they needed him - and they weren't just prisoners in this horrid place.

With an apple in his hand, Hongjoong went to sit down at the long table in the middle of the room. He was alone, but he could hear talking and the sound of the television from the living space in the room next door, but he didn't feel like going in there at all.

While turning the red apple around, staring at the fragile surface for what felt like an eternity, his mind slowly began to become overloaded with thoughts again.

If only there was a way to turn back time, to go back to the night he met San - and never, ever, have went home with him. To stay away from the insane life he suddenly got tangled up in, to save himself and possibly Yeosang too.

But... It didn't seem like Yeosang wanted to be saved... And maybe it was time that Hongjoong stopped trying to do so.

Noises were heard outside the door, and when it opened up wide - so did Hongjoong's eyes.

Yeosang came walking in, and when their eyes met, it felt like the very first time Hongjoong had laid his eyes on him. In some ways it actually was so, as Yeosang still didn't react in a way that showed they used to know each other.

He did look pretty with that blonde hair, but Hongjoong would always prefer him as a brunette, with the dark hair highlighting his beautiful grey eyes. But, even his eyes seemed different now, in the way they looked at not only Hongjoong, but everything around him - in such a shallow, careless way.

While Yeosang was occupied with getting a glass a water, Hongjoong sat i silence and debated with himself if he should say something or not.

The distance between them had never felt bigger, and the way the younger so deliberately ignored him hurt so bad. There was so many things Hongjoong wanted to say to him, so many questions that were burning to be asked.

Why did he leave town? How did he end up here? What was he doing with Seonghwa?

In the end, Hongjoong chose to keep the questions to himself a bit longer, but as Yeosang was about to leave the kitchen again, he couldn't stop himself from calling out the younger's name in a desperate and heartbreaking voice.

"Yeosang..."