╰┈➤ ❝ [ I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you ]❞

THE FIRST TIME KIM JI-AN HAD SEEN Lee Su-ho experiencing a panic attack, was the day Se-yeon's funeral was held. Five days after his death, five days after everyone's world fell apart. Nothing could've prepared Kim Ji-an for the day that funeral took place. Even the days prior to it had taken a toll on her. Lee Su-ho filled with guilt, had claimed he wouldn't attend his best friend's funeral, and Ji-an knew she had to do everything but allow that to happen. She knew his guilt was heavy, but heavier would be the burden on his heart at the memory of not attending that burial.

Everything that could've been done she did. The girl kept nagging Su-ho, not caring if the boy hated her or got tired of her for it, and after days and nights of convincing, just the day before, he agreed to go. The news made her cry that night in relief, because it made her feel useful. In a situation like that, the least thing you feel is power, in fact, you feel the complete opposite of it. Hopelessness is one of them. Hopelessness in what your present has brought you, and hopelessness on what your future would turn into.

Ji-an can still remember the weather that day, it was such a contrast to the storm of emotions inside all of them. It was a sunny day, the sky couldn't have been more clear and bluer, the flowers had blossomed and were in its peak of glory, the air was warm and fresh, not foggy, like the thoughts clouding their minds. It was rather ironic.

That day everyone was enjoying the beauty of nature. It had rained for consecutive days, and that day in particular the weather had finally cleared up. While the world moved on with its days and everyone continued with their lives, three teenagers barely felt the joy in waking up. Kim Ji-an would easily describe that day as the worst day in her life, apart from the day Se-yeon died.

There was more people in that burial than they would've liked to. Something that should've been private, was filled with too many people that didn't know the real Se-yeon. They were just there because he was famous and his death had left a big impact. On the other hand, the cries of Se-yeon's family still haunted Ji-an. He had left them too soon, and the pain of losing a son was like no other. Kim Ji-an couldn't bring herself to cry because she wanted to be strong for Su-ho, after all, she was the only person he had left.

Lee Su-ho was too numb at the moment to show any other emotion apart from a single tear he harshly wiped away, and Han Seo-jun was too deep in his sorrow to even spare a glance at them, because in that moment out of the three of them, Seo-jun had been the one that had cried the most. Han Seo-jun, usually the one to put up the front of a tough guy, was the one most broken.

Once Se-yeon's casket was underground, Lee Su-ho was the first to leave the place. It had taken Ji-an by surprise, and she quickly followed after him wanting to know he was okay first before letting him have his own space. Su-ho was overwhelmed, and her following him made him snap, ending in a one sided yelling match. But, once he was done and his mind cleared up a bit and his brain processed the way he had made his girlfriend flinch and hide her tears, it was when he fell along with the facade.

Multiple apologies were falling from his lips at a fast pace, and seeing him cry, begging for forgiveness for something he didn't mean to do, made Ji-an lose it. So, now the two of them were sobbing as they leaned against a large tree. It was then when Su-ho began hyperventilating. His body was there but his mind was completely lost somewhere else. Initially, Ji-an panicked just like any other person would, but quickly realizing what was happening, she was able to pull him out of his panic attack.

Now, as Kim Ji-an walked down the streetlights, she tried to think of where Su-ho could have gone too. With the state he was in, there was no way he could've gone somewhere far, which helped narrow down the options. As she kept walking, a dreading—yet familiar building came into view.

He has to be there.

  ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷

"Is mom sleeping?" Han Seo-jun asked, placing his bag down on the floor. After his encounter with Kim Ji-an, the boy no longer felt the need to stay the rest of the night for the end of the festival. The basketball game had already taken a toll on him and the only reason why he had lingered around after, was because he was hoping to spend more time with Ji-an.

"Yes." Go-woon answered, her voice a little muffled as she chew on the ramen she was eating. Unlike her brother, once she had finished her performance, she decided to go back home. She didn't have anyone in her classes whom she considered an actual friend, so there was no point on staying for the rest of the day if she would spend it alone. Go-woon actually wanted to watch Seo-jun's game, but she knew how loud the crowd could get and she'll much rather happily stay home without anyone bothering her. Seo-jun also didn't care when she had mentioned leaving, so that was exactly what she did.

Seo-jun, noticing his sister was eating, immediately joined her on the floor. "Gosh, that looks delicious." He tried to snatch the pot from Go-woon, but the girl didn't budge.

"Just cook one for yourself!" Her tone was full of annoyance. It wasn't new for Seo-jun to steal food from her.

"Let me have a bite. Come on." He insisted, and reluctantly Go-woon allowed him to take the pot, even if it physically hurt her to watch. Chopsticks in hand, Seo-jun started slurping on the noddles, eating way more than just a simple bite like he had promised.

Go-woon glared at him. "That's not a bite."

"It's really good. Why don't you cook one more?" Seo-jun suggested. All day he had been so focused on other stuff that he forgot to eat something that would actually make him full. He was about to take another bite of the ramen, but Go-woon stopped him by taking away the pot.

"Cook it yourself, Seo-jun." She murmured as she resumed her eating.

"You're so cheap." Seo-jun complained but didn't say anything else. While watching Go-woon he couldn't help but notice how different she looked. She looked very pretty and a lot more mature. It made him realize how much she was actually growing. "Are you really my sister? I can't get used to seeing you wearing makeup."

His words made a smile form on Go-woon's lips. Swallowing her bite, she turned to her brother, a hint of gratefulness in her eyes. "Lim Jug-yeong helped me with this. So, I haven't removed it yet." In fact, she wished she could stay with it forever. She never felt insecure about her appearance before, but lately it has been starting to affect her, and today was the first time in a while where she had felt so pretty.

"That was nice of her." Han Seo-jun said, and took the pot back to himself, earning a nasty look from Go-woon. "By the way, you told me Ji-an and Jug-yeong helped you when you were in need. What was that about?"

She sighed, not knowing if telling her brother would be a good idea. The two were never the type to hide stuff from each other, and she also knew sooner or later he'll find out. So, hesitantly, she answered his question, "A few girls bullied me because they were jealous I got to perform solo."

The metal chopsticks that were being held by Seo-jun, made a clacking sound as they fell on the pot. Suddenly, Seo-jun's full attention was on Go-woon, his eyes wide open as he grew angry. "They bullied you?!" His voice got louder. "What are their names?"

"Why?" Go-woon asked, "Are you going to meet them? Don't ever think about it. It's going to be so embarrassing." She paused as she attempted to calm herself. Their mother was sleeping just a room away, and she would feel guilty if she was the reason for their mother to wake up. "And it doesn't matter. Your girlfriend already took care of it."

Now, it was Seo-jun's turn to pause. He probably won't ever get used to hearing that. Actually, he was unsure of what surprised him more, the word girlfriend or the actual meaning of the sentence. "She did?" He pondered over her words as he slowly resumed eating. "What did she do?"

The younger girl leaned back against the sofa as she recalled the memory, her full attention on her brother as she anticipated his reaction. "She may have pulled on one of the girl's hair and threatened them."

"What?!" To say Seo-jun was shocked was an understatement. Since they were children, out of Ji-an, Seo-jun, and Su-ho, Ji-an was always the calmest one. Usually, Seo-jun was the one to lose his temper the most, and Su-ho also lost it occasionally, while Ji-an was the voice of reason. It was a rare occurrence for the girl to get angry enough to turn to physical violence, and Seo-jun knew this by experience. That means she must have been really angry.

"Yeah, it was pretty badass." Go-woon admitted, a smile on her lips at the thought of the friend she considered a sister.

Seo-jun didn't know how to feel. He obviously knew Kim Ji-an cared a lot about Go-woon and considered her as a little sister, but the fact she wasn't afraid to step in and defend his sister made him feel some type of way. It made him involuntarily smile. One of the reason why Seo-jun had fallen in love with Ji-an, was because of her amazing heart. Despite the lack of love her family has always shown her, she is one of kindest people he knows, and he has always admired her for it.

"Take that look off of your face." Go-woon said, pulling Seo-jun out of his thoughts as he turned to stare at her confused.

"What do you mean?"

The younger girl rolled her eyes but a smile was beginning to form on her lips. "That look of stupid boy in love." She teased him. "It doesn't suit your aura. I'm telling Ji-an she is making you soft."

A scowl made its way into Seo-juns face. The thought making his skin crawl. "That's not true, and don't even think about telling her anything."

"Fine, lover boy, but give me back my ramen." She said, snatching back the pot.

  ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷

Kim Ji-an found herself about to open the door that lead to the roof of the building. The moment she saw it, there was something telling her Lee Su-ho was there. Her gut instincts never failed her. There sitting against the wall was Lee Su-ho, his knees close to his chest and his head in between his legs. Ji-an's heart broke at the sight. He looked so lonely. She couldn't imagine what was going through his head. Without second thoughts, she approached him. Her footsteps caught his attention and he looked up at her as she lowered herself down to the floor.

Tears were ready to escape Su-ho's eyes, as he stared at her. "This is where......Se-yeon...." His voice cracked, he wasn't able to finish his sentence, but Ji-an didn't need him to.

"It's okay. I know." She whispered, tears welling up in her eyes at seeing the state he was in. Gently, she placed her hand in the back of his head, Su-ho didn't fight off her hold as she pulled him closer so he could lay his head in her chest. She replaced his position against the wall, allowing him to completely lean on her. In that moment, with his arms around her waist, his cheek pressed against her chest, her heart beating in his ear, and her arms wrapped around him, Su-ho let go off his walls.

He cried and sobbed like he hadn't done in a long time. "I-I miss him so much, Ji-an. It hu-urts." He wailed as he continued crying and the arms around her waist tightened.

At this point, Ji-an was also sobbing as she gazed up at the stars through her blurry vision. "I know, Su-ho. I know. I also miss him a lot." Her hand was softly caressing his hair, knowing that move always comforted him. "Just let it all out. It's just you and me. Just us."

When Lee Su-ho first began experiencing panic attacks, Ji-an noticed a certain pattern. They always began when he got overwhelmed with emotions. She found out the best solution was to keep talking to him to pull him out or to actually prevent the panic attack from begging. So, for the while he allowed her before their break up and tonight, she was his anchor.

She always has been.

Once she was gone, Lee Su-ho had no one else to turn to. It was his fault, of course. He pushed her away and broke her heart along with his. Her absence left him no choice but to deal with his own problems by himself, ending many of times alone on his bedroom floor crying until he fell asleep from exhaustion. It got to a point where he got used to it, almost like a routine, but no matter how much he went through it, that didn't take away the immense loneliness in his heart, and that's when he regain communication with Kim Ji-an.

Strangely, knowing she was doing better than him comforted him. It helped lessen the guilt from causing the breakup and also just talking with her helped a lot with his depression. Ji-an has always been a constant in Su-ho's life, a comforting presence, but then just like that she was no longer there. The time difference made it difficult for them to talk too frequently, so there were times when Ji-an would suggest calling each other instead of texting, but Su-ho always refused. He was in a dark place, and if he as so much listened to her voice he would've dragged her into his misery. Which is why all of a sudden he cut off communication.

"It's my fault. It's my fault he is gone, and I feel so guilty all the time. I could've stopped it." This was the first time Su-ho had ever told anyone about the guilt that has been eating him alive for the past year, and now that he began it felt impossible to stop.

Ji-an shook her head even thought the boy couldn't see her. Her tears trailing down her cheeks and staining her shirt. "Don't say that. It wasn't your fault. You didn't know."

Despite her words, Su-ho kept going. "I could have done something to help him." His voice was above a whisper but Ji-an could hear him loud and clear. "I could have saved him, Ji-an. Now, he's gone and he's never coming back."

"Su-ho—"

"I killed him." His words made Ji-an's heart drop to her stomach. She knew a little about his guilt but she didn't know it went to this extent. The realization that Su-ho was suffering so much and all alone, made her silently cry even harder. "I'm the worst friend he could've had. I killed him, Ji-an. He's gone because of me"

Not being able to take it anymore, Ji-an's hands that were caressing Su-ho's hair moved down to his face, and with a delicate touch she made him turn to face her. Hands shaking, her thumbs wiped away the tears that continued flowing down his cheeks. She struggled to see his face clearly through her tears but did her best to maintain eye contact. "Stop. Don't keep saying that. You didn't kill him and you weren't a bad friend either, okay? He loved you as the brother he didn't have just the same way you loved him."

"But-"

"No, you listen to me." She interrupted before he could continue letting that guilt drown him. God knows how long he's been bottling up everything without anyone to comfort him and reassure him of his worries.

"I need you to understand. This was not your fault, Su-ho." Her breathing was shaky but her voice was stern as she tried to make her point across. "You did not kill Se-yeon. What happened was not your fault. You have to let go of this guilt that it's eating you inside, Su-ho. You'll never be happy if you keep letting this thoughts control you. Se-yeon wouldn't have liked to see you like this, let alone blame yourself for his death. He'll want you to be happy." She hesitated a little in the last part, afraid of his reaction. "I want you to be happy, and I'll always be here for you. No matter what happens."

There was a long pause, only their unsteady breathing filing the silence as the two stared at each other. Right at this moment, anyone could've told Su-ho, Ji-an was a fallen angel sent to take care of him, and he would have believed them. Because why? Why did she still care for him after everything that happened? The words were very familiar. No one except for her had said those words to him before. He had learned to accept the blame because that's everything he received. Seo-jun served as a constant reminder of it, and Su-ho decided to believe him.

Unbelievably, this was the first time he was told that nothing regarding Se-yeon's death was his fault. The first time he was told he had to let go of that guilt instead of letting it consume him. The first time in a very long time that someone said they'll be there for him and only wanted to see him happy. Overwhelming, was the only word Su-ho could use to describe the moment, and the only thing he could do was fall back into Ji-an's arms and sob uncontrollably.

"Thank you." He said through his crying, hiding his face in the crook of her neck and inhaling her familiar scent, feeling a great amount of gratitude and love for the girl. Su-ho always used to hear the saying, Home Is Not A Place, It's A Feeling, and he never got to truly understand the meaning of it until this day. No matter the circumstances, Ji-an is his home, she always has been, and always would be.

Kim Ji-an only hummed in response to his words, not feeling it in her to give a verbal response. She was supposed to comfort Lee Su-ho, but instead she was in no better shape than him. Truth be told, Ji-an wasn't doing as good as she might've told Su-ho all those months ago. Living in Miami, allowed her to forget about the reality of her life. There she could pretend everything was fine, even if that was the complete opposite of the truth.

Moving on and learning to process Se-yeon's death, was completely skipped by her. She just acted like nothing happened and that she was in some type of vacation, but now that she was back in Seoul she could no longer push everything under a rug and call it a day. Which explained why she easily got triggered by anything regarding Se-yeon. So, tonight she let everything out, she cried for her lost friend, for Su-ho, for herself, and their relationship.

  ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷

The tears had dried down by now, only the stains on their skin serving as a reminder of them. Lee Su-ho and Kim Ji-an made their way through the park, both having left the building's rooftop once they had let everything out. A comfortable silence had settled between them as they walked side by side. Asking where they were going wasn't necessary, as Ji-an already knew where they were heading too the second they headed to the other side of town, so she allowed herself to enjoyed the chill of the night and Su-ho's presence.

Reaching inside the pocket of her small shoulder bag, she pulled out two lollipops, handling Su-ho one of them as she opened the package of the other and put it in her mouth. Su-ho stared down at the red lollipop, and couldn't help but let a soft chuckle escape his mouth. "You still carry these around?"

This was the first time the silence was broken after minutes of walking, which startled Ji-an making her accidentally step over a rock as they approached the forest behind the park. Luckily, Su-ho stabilized her before she could fall. There was a lack of illumination, only source of light was the faint hue the streetlights around the park provided, so now they only had the faint light of the moonlight to guide them through the trees. But it didn't matter, they had been through that same path enough times to have it memorized.

"You have to be more careful." Su-ho said, removing the hands that he had placed around her waist to prevent the girl from falling. He didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

Moving the lollipop to the side of her cheek, she said, "It's your fault for startling me." She ignored the lingering feeling of his hands on her waist, wishing they would've stayed there for longer. "And to answer your question, yes, I still carry those around."

Humming softly in response, he deciding to eat the lollipop she had given him. Su-ho let out a sound of satisfaction at the sweet taste of the candy, the familiar cherry flavor taking over his mouth and staining it red. He found the fact she still brought around with her the same exact type of lollipops from years ago, endearing. It was a reminder that even if the circumstances around them had changed, she was still the same girl he knew since he was young.

The same girl that struggled with anything related to numbers. The same girl that used to draw things he liked to cheer him up, despite her lack of art skills. The same girl that didn't get upset when he didn't feel like saying anything. The same girl that hated rules but was too afraid to break them. The same girl that had a sweet tooth and carried around candies in her pockets. And the same girl that captured his heart and won't seem to let go off it.

As they walked deeper through the trees, the sound of the water grew closer, and Su-ho's body began to relax almost instantly. The sigh that came from beside him let him know Ji-an felt the same way as the pair finally reached the clearing, and the river came into view.

Now, that the trees were no longer in the way, the silver light the moon casted, shined brightly on top of the flowing river, showcasing the ripples on the surface of the water. The natural stream of glistening water washed over the rocks, all following down the same path. Some shadows stretched out across the ground from where the trees stood, but they weren't dark enough to cause fear. Quite the opposite, it felt safe, like it was a place where you could not be bothered, where the rest of the world's existence ceased to exist.

Silently, Ji-an and Su-ho sat down on the grass, their eyes focused on the scenery before them. 396 days, 9,504 hours, 1 year and a month since they had been in front of that river together. It was bittersweet, the memories and just the place itself, but it was comforting. When Lee Su-ho first saw this place, it had been with his mother. He can't recall exactly what happened, but he wouldn't stop crying that day, so his mother took him there. After that, anytime they were close by they stopped by the river. Once his mother got sick, their visits became less and less frequent until they no longer visited the river.

For a while he kept the place to himself, feeling like it was the only piece he had left of his mother. Then just like his mother had done once, he took Ji-an to the river. Like before, it became like a routine for them to go there. They would go talk about random stuff, or just sit in silence. Sometimes they would even have picnic dates. Again, for Su-ho the place not only held memories of one person, but of two. It felt wrong visiting the place alone. So, when Ji-an left Seoul, Su-ho went one last time before deciding he wouldn't come back again.

"By now, our initials probably faded off the tree" Ji-an said out loud, twisting the lollipop in her hand. The boy beside her turned his head to face her, only staring in silence. Ji-an slowly began to regret her words, feeling like she might've ruined the serenity of the moment, until Su-ho finally spoke.

"They're still there." He said, but did not offer further explanation. He couldn't admit that in his last visit, he had actually carved over the letters again to prevent them from disappearing.

"Wait, really? Wow." The intitals were placed on the largest tree inside the small forest. It was a small pact they made, promising to always stay by each other's side no matter what. The twelve year old's that made that promise didn't know what the future had in store for them. They didn't know later on they would date, to then years later break up after the death of their friend, but the thought of those letters still being on that tree gave Ji-an hope, hope that the broken pieces of that promise could still be put back together.

——————— ↶*ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊ—————

—Joy

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What do you guys think? Idk if I'm entirely happy with how this chapter came out. Like I said before, as we move on with the storyline, the reason behind Su-ho's actions in the past gets revealed along with Ji-an's way of reacting to things. So, I don't want anyone calling her dramatic cause I'll fight you. Respectfully 🤗

Anyways, my poor babies have gone through so much, but finally they are starting to cope with their feelings and trauma 🥳

For all of you who were worried, this chapter was very necessary for the two of them, which is why I didn't add any unnecessary drama by making Jug-yeong be there and stuff. I'll actually give y'all a spoiler, and say Su-ho actually doesn't fall in love with Jug-yeong. I knowww it contradicts a little part of the plot but you guys will live 😎

The way things would flow on the future will make sense once we get to it. So, don't worry. Also, Su-ho and Seo-jun won't go full hardcore into fighting for Ji-an, just a tiny bit hehehe. I won't say anything else cause I don't want to reveal all my plans.

Btw sorry for the lack of Seo-jun content on this chapter. I promise next update, I'll give them more moments.

This chapter's song recommendation: 13 by Han Jisung iykyk

Here's everyone's proclaimed favorite part!! The edit !! Two, because I'm feeling generous hehehe 🫶🏼

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