Book: The Most Beautiful Moment in Life
Author: jkuromi874
Reviewer: Nikachu22
Chapters read: 5
Main focus: Character portrayal, overall enjoyment and whatever other thing you decide to review.

I notice that you often say the same thing twice which creates an issue with the flow of reading as well as diminishing the emotions you’re trying to put out there. I’ll take Sam’s chapter as an example but I noticed this throughout the entire read.

1. She felt as though the song was drawing her in, inviting her to follow it through the tangle of abandoned structures and quiet machinery.
2. The song seemed to be calling to her, a phantom of remembrance of better days long since gone.
1. She didn't notice, though, that the lovely, ominous piano music that had been playing had abruptly ceased--
2. The song seemed to have stopped in the middle of a note--
3. The abrupt silence was startling--
1. She was startled to hear someone slam the piano keys with their fist at that very moment, the discordant note echoing through the darkness.
2. She was astonished by the sound, a sudden intrusion that reminded her of the terrifying noises she had heard as a child.
1. For what seemed like an eternity, Sam and Jackie stood still, their gazes locked in a wordless conversation full of unspoken feelings.
2. They felt as though there was a physical silence surrounding them, a cocoon of mute words.

All of these sentences are repeating the same thing/have the same undertone, just written differently. You could get the idea across without repeating it if you use a little wordplay. Even certain words used are repeated. If I were you, I’d keep away from doing this when it comes to trying to express emotions as saying things repeatedly may take points off on the emotional pull.

What I noticed is you often use the character's looks or the setting to paint us character portrayal. Saying something like, 1. Her shiny dark brown hair had come loose from her ponytail, framing her face in an untamed, wild way that reflected the anguish inside of her.

This isn’t so much you portraying a character, just telling us things to compare so that we could decipher the portrayal ourselves, but this leaves a wall between readers and the characters because you cannot leave it up to us to make our own emotions if you're trying to show us. We might not care at all about Jackie and Sam’s situation. Giving us comparisons only does nothing because, for one, we do not know these characters. It’s like meeting strangers in real life, for us to feel we have to be drawn in. (Not talking about empaths.) So you want to focus on an emotionally compelling setting.

Telling us will not give you the satisfaction you desire.

So instead of telling us… what you need to focus on is showing us. This requires writing from a different angle. Your goal is to write and paint the characters themselves as you would elaborate on whatever emotion they are going through. What you’re doing is painting the setting and incorporating the characters and then giving us the setting that is supposed to work in place of character portrayal. While it’s not bad to use the setting, constantly telling us is bad.

Do you want us to feel Jane, Jazz, Vicky, Jackie and Sam? Then show that.

Her dark brown shiny hair had fallen loose, framing her face and hiding the darkness that shaded beneath her eyes. Her pupils were dilated, quivering lips and chattered teeth caressing the silence that stood between them. A fallen doll disapproved of by society became the story behind that frame. A mere epitome of the lack of care that flowed through her blood. Jackie blinked rather slowly, jitters following her smooth fingertips left rattled when her digits tightly clenched a nearby napkin as if she could not visually see it. One she had searched for a few seconds before cradling it as if but a lifeline of her plaguing emotions.

Her nails dug, tearing it as her palm soon dampened the object with crimson liquid. Unfazed by her actions, still she drew the napkin to her lips, rubbing away at the corners to soothe herself before her tongue came to lick the accumulated dryness. A stammering step, one foot after the other, riddled her frame. In the midst of her body's burden of sadness, she rested in the center room. Scuffling feet kicked dust because of the dead weight they didn't want to carry. Her knees looked to be on the verge of buckling. A glance back over her shoulder revealed just her lips, cracked and dry at the corners before she whispered incoherent words. Her image lay beneath the stray line of light from the moon. Pale skin enhanced by Luna’s glow radiating a ghostly still. Unfamiliar, yet a longing that forced itself within Sam’s questioning mind. Had this been the Jackie she remembered?

"W-What?" Sam's furrowed brows betrayed her drunken state, making one Jackie appear as three. The dancing images suggested an illusion, a trick of the mind. Had downing that liquor been a mistake? Yet, she sought to escape, yearning to feel the cool wind amidst her inner darkness. The alcohol seemed to fend off her depression, if only for a moment. Tears washed away her black eyeliner, tracing dark streams down her cheeks, obscuring the whites of her eyes. Her nose turned a soft pinkish-red, glistening with sweat. A sniffle, a stray tear, and a hand moved to wipe it away, leaving a black streak towards her ear. In her turmoil, fueled by the deceptive courage of alcohol, she was a portrait of shambles.

If you desire to use the setting to aid in character portrayal, then you must also switch it up to show us.

How do you show? You have to use the character's movements and feelings to paint the show and make us feel. It requires detail so that we as readers are clear on the image as we read it. While some can easily read your telling and be fine with that, but when you’re looking for character portrayal it’s different. You don’t have to do this all the time, but you’d want it where it’s needed most. This is how you paint the most memorable scenes through words. I know you could do this because you already have a knack for descriptions.

Just use the word-- Portray. Now in what way can you write that makes us… see them? Think of describing a painting. This is usually what I do when I’m writing. Instead of telling us about panic, show us what the human body does during panic. Instead of telling us anguish, show us what anguish is to this character. Put these words and then paint them as if they were embodiments. Attend to the senses and you could have something worthwhile.

Example: She was depressed and her room showed by the mess she hadn’t cleaned for weeks. (This is telling.)
She sat curled on her bed, knees drawn to her chest as her arms tightly intertwined to hold herself in a crippling position. Her eyes shut behind lids, tears holding onto dark brown long lashes. The pink sheet that dressed her mattress reflected a wide pool of liquid beneath her head. If she kept weeping, the dampened mess could engulf her entire frame. A sniffle, followed by the concaving of her chest, jolted off her shoulders in what looked like being electrocuted left her riddled with a pull to keep releasing her longing. Despair riddled her, she couldn’t move. Why should she move? After dealing with the truth that has been a spoon of lies for many months. Her father was dead' killed by her mother. A sense of heaviness dived within her stomach so deep that nausea plagued her dry throat, but a sense of relief that another pain was tickling her insides besides the clenching tightness in her heart. With the chill of the air conditioner, she shivered her body naked clutching onto the white towel that barely hung on. She hopped from the shower when the phone rang. It was the coroner that informed her of her suspicion. She missed her father so much. Their relationship was the only thing she ever cherished most.

Her room hadn’t been cleaned in weeks, and no one checked on her. That was until Luke finally decided to give her door a knock. The haunting image of Susan still etched in his brain.

(This is showing.)

Let me also say this… You can deliver a setting so crisp through your writing that for any reader who doesn't like long chapters, that is overwhelming. I’m not saying it's bad though, it’s just that damn good. Your level of skill is intimidating. While I enjoyed the robust pictures of the scenery and your level of description and the colorful usage of vocabulary, I think if you could show some character portrayal with that same skill of yours then you’d be unstoppable, but I also think your chapters would be pushing more than 5k words. I think your ability to slap readers with imagery is so beautiful that I felt offended. It felt as if I was there within the book. What kept me from being truly immersed was the lack of showing the characters. The clear line between me feeling the characters and me not feeling them. It’s thin because of the lack of portrayal. You have to get me to root for them, or hate them and that comes with showing me who they are. Only then will I judge them.

Because the early chapters introduce the girls in their element, this portrayal is so crucial as it will do many things for us readers. It will show their distinction, allow us to pick our favorites, and see your level of skill.

I'd have to say when it comes to description, you are by far top tier.

Thank you so much, Kuromi for applying to be reviewed. I enjoyed being exposed to your book. Keep writing. It's captivating and that is an understatement.

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