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Request by @chemical_killer13: Yea, the reader comes home one day and gee Frank Mikey and Ray (the reader and gee live together) and there watching something on the laptop and the reader gos to the bedroom and works on there article (the reader is a journalist for AP magazine) then a little while later the readed hears the guys talking and they wore actually watching porn and the reader starts to cry and think that there not good enough for Gerard so they go into the bathroom and cut themselves then Gerard finds the reader in the bathroom and tells the reader that they guys made him watch it

I left out the self-harm bit of the request, but I hope you enjoy it. Also, requests are now closed. I want to focus on some of my own writing ideas for a while. x

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Love.

What exactly did 'love' mean?

To most people, it means companionship. Trust, selflessness, support, adoration.

It meant the same thing to you at one point too.

But that had changed.

Then, to you, 'love' meant heartache. Tears, suffering, self-doubt, annihilation.

Yeah, being cheated on my every single romantic partner one has ever had really takes its toll on how they perceive 'love'.

The last one was the hardest. You'd been together for 4 years, engaged for 2 of those 4. You were going to spend the rest of your lives together, completely in love.

Or so you thought.

Your fiancé seemed to have other plans.

The memory is still as clear in your mind as a perfect summer day. Now, given your history of cheating boyfriends, you'd walked in on numerous sexual encounters between them and random women, but none of them had crushed you as much as this one had.

Maybe it was to do with the fact that you were about to marry this person, become unified 'till death do you part.

Maybe it was the fact that  the other woman was your therapist. The one you poured all the contents of your heart out too, including the insecurities and worthlessness you'd developed as a result of being constantly cheated on.

Or maybe it was both. These were two of the people you'd trusted most, and they both betrayed you.

Needless to say, what followed wasn't pretty. You were never a violent - or even confrontational - person, yet, seeing that scene play out in front of your very eyes, you snapped.

No, you didn't kill anyone. (As much as you would've liked to.) You didn't even seriously injure anyone, but you did make sure that they knew precisely how heartbroken and devastated you felt.

Understandably, after that experience, you'd given  up. You'd given up on love. On ever finding someone you could give yourself over to completely, and who wouldn't hurt you. It broke your heart that you would never have the type of love you'd dreamed about ever since you were little, but the constant soul-crushing heartache had finally become too much, and you finally became utterly broken.

And then you met Gerard.

From the moment you two had met at the quaint local coffee shop in your hometown, Gerard was wholly taken with you. There was something about the way you sat in the corner booth, hidden from plain sight and immersed in your writing while nursing a vanilla latte... he didn't know why, but he immediately felt drawn to you. And from the minute he shyly greeted you, and you looked up at him, eyes twinkling, he knew that he had to make you his.

Obviously, you were more than apprehensive to get involved with Gerard - you were broken, after all. Yes, you had felt drawn to him too, but you tried your upmost to shove those feelings into the deepest, darkest corner of your heart. Of course, it didn't work. You tried to explain to Gerard that you weren't interested, but he was persistent. Not in the wrong way, though. You'd made it clear to him that you had no desire whatsoever to get into a romantic relationship. And he respected that - but he wasn't about to let you just walk out of his life. No way in hell.

You spent a lot of time together after that. Most of that time consisted of you going over to Gerard's house, or vice versa, and you'd put in a couple of old records while you sat in blissful silence, you working on your article, and him on his comics or art; it was your favourite time. Just being in each other's company brought comfort and ease to the both of you. Gerard said it was because the two of you meshed together so perfectly. Your quirks complimented his quirks.

Your broken parts fit his broken parts.

Sometimes, Gerard would take you to art galleries. The two of you would wonder around for hours, appreciating the art. When you'd walk past a particularly interesting piece, the two of you would sit down on a nearby bench and discuss it. The way Gerard's hypnotically beautiful eyes sparkled and his entire body perked up made your heart swell, and you found yourself - despite the desperate protests of the little voice at the back of your head - slowly but surely falling for him.

After two months and tons of denial, you admitted to yourself that you were in love with Gerard.

You hated it.

You hated yourself for letting it get to this point. You hated that you had let this man in. You hated that you fell in love with him.

You hated that you knew you couldn't leave without him.

Gerard was different. Sure, you told yourself that about every guy you fell for. But Gerard was different. He was... good. He made you feel important. Cared for. Worthwhile. Beautiful.

Loved.

Gerard didn't understand why you were so angry about loving him, especially when he assured you that he loved you too. You told him that it was because you didn't want to be in love. You didn't want to open yourself up to someone.

You didn't want to get hurt.

He would never hurt you. That's what he told you, and that's what you believed. Even so, it still took a long while before you were finally comfortable enough with doing the whole 'love' thing again, and start dating Gerard. And even when you did start dating, and even though he was the epitome of the perfect boyfriend, you still felt anxious.

You weren't good enough for him. You weren't good enough for anyone. That's why they all cheated on you. Left you. You weren't good enough. You were damaged, broken and just not deserving of someone like Gerard. For God's sake, you couldn't even be intimate with him without bursting into tears, worried that he's going to leave you.

But you loved him, and you were terrified of losing him, so you never voiced your anxieties. But they were there, and they were more evident than ever.

~

"Dude, I'm telling you, this is the hottest one I've seen."

Gerard snorted as he rolled his eyes at the short guitarist. "Wow, how many times have we heard that one, huh guys?" he smirked, looking at Ray and Mikey, who chuckled in agreement.

"Alright, fine," Frank groaned, "This is the hottest one I've seen so far." He sat down on the sofa, pulled up the video on his laptop, and patted the empty spots on the sofa, encouraging his friends to join him.

Mikey and Ray looked at each other, sharing a shrug before shuffling over, taking their seats next to Frank. They all turned to glance expectantly at Gerard, who was still leaning against the entryway, arms folded.

"Nah, I'm good," he said.

Frank tilted back his head and let out another annoyed groan. "Just come watch."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Uh, besides the fact that it's extremely weird to watch porn with my baby brother and two best friends?" Gerard sassed, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not in the mood."

"Yeah, well, if I was dating someone who looked like (Y/N), I'm sure I'd never feel the need to watch porn either," Ray sniggered, earning giggles from the other two boys as Gerard glared daggers at him.

"Make one more comment about how hot she is, any of you. I dare you," Gerard warned.

"Sorry," Ray grinned.

"But seriously," Frank leaned forward. "How is she?" He winked suggestively.

"That's none of your business."

"So, bad then?"

"No," Gerard frowned, before sighing and running a hand through his hair. "She's... she's fine."

"Fine?" Frank raised an eyebrow.

"Well, we haven't really done anything... intense, yet," Gerard admitted, shifting uncomfortably. "I mean," he sighed, shaking his head at the fact that he was actually telling the guys about the most intimate moments of your relationship, "we've only slept together twice."

"Twice?" Frank gawked. "But you've been together for, like, 6 months."

"I'm aware of that," Gerard huffed.

"Wow." The boys all widened their eyes, sharing looks.

Frank cleared his throat before speaking again. "You must be very frustrated, then."

"Eh."

The younger boy held out the laptop to his friend. "I think this can help with that."

~

You entered the house; the boys didn't even notice you come in, they were too immersed in whatever it is they were watching on the laptop.

Placing your coat on one of the hooks on the wall, you quietly made your way to the living room where they sat. Gerard had the laptop on his lap, and the others were craning their necks, trying to get a good look at the screen. Once you got near enough to see what they were watching, you discovered that they weren't just watching some random YouTube video or a movie. It was porn.

Covering your mouth so that your gasp wouldn't be audible, you slowly backtracked and softly climbed the stairs, your mind racing.

Running into your bathroom, you closed the door, a sharp thud echoing all around. You moved to the mirror, glancing at your tear-stained reflection as you clutched onto the sink.

You knew it. You knew that you weren't good enough for Gerard. But you couldn't even blame him for watching porn. I mean, you had only had sex with him twice in the six months you'd been together, and you'd been so emotional both times that you were sure it was an awful experience for him. And he was a man, after all. He had needs. And you couldn't fulfil those needs; you weren't good enough.

You were full-on sobbing by the time Gerard entered the bathroom, and his heart broke a little seeing you like that. He immediately engulfed you in his embrace, stroking your hair and shushing you.

"I'm sorry," you choked out, still crying, "I'm sorry I'm not good enough."

"My love, you are good enough."

"No, I'm not! I'm a fucking mess! You have to go and watch porn to get off because I can't have fucking sex with you without crying like a baby!"

"(Y/N), look at me," Gerard pulled back and cupped your face in his hands, looking at you with a serious expression, "The only reason I watched it is because the boys wouldn't get off my case about it. You're perfect. And I love you more than I've ever loved anything, or ever will love anything."

"How can you? I'm broken."

"Because so am I."

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Thank you for reading x