Tamen Appetitus

Still Craving

Taehyung was left alone. And, slowly, he began to feel cold.

He only had a couple of seconds of blissful happiness when he saw Jungkook leaving before the smile faded from his face. Realization hit him like a tree and he clutched his handkerchief in his tight fist as he wondered...

What had he done?

He'd known what he wanted and he still made the mistake he promised himself he wouldn't make. Just this morning he told himself to have caution when talking to Jungkook and now... they weren't friends. They were worse than that.

His heart tightened and so did the hand holding the thin fabric; the one he used to dry Jungkook's tears, the hand he used to hold his beautiful face.

Taehyung had been free of rules and worries, free of titles and expectations when he was with Jungkook. His whole attention had been pulling itself towards that one person, and even if he tried to keep his feet on the ground, it was impossible to fight against such heavenly winds.

So many things were wrong and could go wrong, he could end up hurting the two people he most cares about if he let himself be selfish and yet... a lump rose in his throat.

He longed for it.

He'd dreamed of it for as long as he'd lived. The simple thought of losing the opportunity to take hold felt like losing his family all over again.

Jungkook was mostly a mystery. Taehyung couldn't understand the pull he felt toward him, and he also couldn't stop it. He didn't want to stop it. Therein likes his mistake. He should be the responsible one, the teacher, the father of two, and put his foot down in the name of keeping not only his children but Jungkook safe as well. Now that his head was cleared of Jungkook's magic, he knew what he had to do. For their safety. For Jungkook's safety.

Taehyung turned around to take his briefcase... and then he noticed Jungkook's sketchbook beside it. Taehyung kneeled in front of it and took it softly in his hands. A tear rolled down his cold cheek.

It caught him by surprise. He lifted his hand to dry it and noticed the handkerchief still in his hold. Then another tear fell. And then another.

He clutched at his chest with that same handkerchief in hand, feeling like his heart might tear open.

The truth lies within these tears. He didn't want to get away from Jungkook. Not even if it was right. Not even if it would be safer. The way he looked at him, talked to him, held him with delicate hands, artist's hands, scarred hands; the way he desperately clings to him as if he was his savior, the light that would end the night that was his life, and the way he said his name, rejecting his title, wishing to be with the person inside the suit and tie.

Jungkook will be his doom. He already was. One morning was all it took for him to have him kneeling in his own tears. His beauty, his mystery, the guy that chose him and was determined to keep him will be the reason he lives and dies if he refuses to stand back up this instant. Because Taehyung knows what infatuation feels like, and this is not it. He knows this will not be fleeting if he crosses the line and remains on his knees.

But even if they could play pretend that the rules don't apply on hidden corners, that won't keep them safe for long.

Save, save. Safety sounded like chains sliding across the floor.

His heart was not "safe", it was wild. That's why it was shackled. That's why it had a leash. That's why it started fighting against the chains when Jungkook said he felt safe with him. Because he showed him his true smile, his laughter, his playful nature, and he looked him in the eyes and said "yes, that's what I like to see".

In a life where he was congratulated for his early maturity, the one that loved his childish heart had it in a single beat.

Jungkook came into his life like a rush of fresh wind. In only two days, he had made him remember what it was like to be cared for. When Jungkook was worried about his feelings and came back to the classroom just to apologize, he was reminded of his old friends, when Jungkook brushed his tear away, he was reminded of his mother, when Jungkook listened to him while he told him where he lived, he had been reminded of his brother, when Jungkook told him he was a flower... and how he had bloomed because of the sun that shined over him... he had reminded him of a dream he used to have, of a man who held his hand.

Taehyung sobbed silently while clutching the sketchbook tightly to his chest. Jungkook reminded him of home, he reminded him of love, and he longed for the freedom that came with his touch.

He had a wife. A beautiful, hard-working wife that any other man could only dream of. He admired her, how she went thru the shame of getting pregnant so early with her head held high, how she did University while being pregnant, even when she couldn't move because of her sore feet, nausea, or headaches, and how she conquered it all on her own, now being the owner a jewelry business in London. He admired her for what she had accomplished, he felt gratitude towards her for giving him his children, but he felt no love and he never has.

She was the reason he had to leave his family, she was the reason he felt shackled, and she was the reason he felt most afraid of being with Jungkook. Because she was so controlling at times that she could make him feel paranoid even when she was so far away.

He wanted to be free from her, to be free from the titles, the rules, the expectations, the suits and ties, and be wild and free like a wolf in the forest, running beside his one true love with his kids behind them.

Taehyung had to stifle his cries. He was thinking of everything and everyone and how he would stain their lives if he let himself feel. But he cried even more at the thought of hiding his wild love.

They will keep meeting, as long as Jungkook wants them to. But they cannot be more than friends.

They shouldn't.

Jungkook had gone out of the library from the same door he came in, with his heart in his throat and his eyes begging to overflow, but he had to keep his head up; he had to pretend.

In the back of his mind, he was grateful that the corridors were deserted, but that only made him remember how Leo and Emily were waiting for him and it made him feel rushed to get himself back together. And feeling rushed to calm down never helped.

At last, he got to the bathroom and went straight to the sink, not bothering to marble at the luxury of the bathroom in question. He splashed some water on his face, the sound of it still reminding him of the creek on the meadow, and dried it with a paper towel to then look at himself in the mirror.

He had a smile on his face and his cheeks were rosy. But he had to stop that, he had to go get lunch with his friends like nothing had happened, he had to lie about how the Human Nature class was terribly boring and he couldn't do that if he looked happy.

Being with Taehyung just now made him feel so good that it lingered on his skin even when they were apart. He felt excited, he couldn't explain it, he was still scared, and yet, the smile only widened as he shook his head in disbelief. Then the smile started to disappear as his skin got colder, the wind washing away the feeling of Taehyung's presence and security.

There was something wrong with him, he had always known it.

A war started to burn in his mind. He was so conflicted, one thing was to want to hold Taehyung's face and another was to find out that Taehyung likes it. He had always said there was something bad with himself because he wasn't normal, but Taehyung wasn't normal either, he liked when Jungkook held his face, he liked when Jungkook caressed his hand, he didn't scream, didn't judge, didn't fight, didn't exaggerate his masculinity, and what's most surprising was that he had cried in front of Jungkook. He knew Taehyung wasn't like any other man, he had known it since the moment he saw him, but this was a lot to take in.

Jungkook could go on and on thinking and deciphering until he was nothing but a lump on the floor like the night before at the white path, but right now he didn't want to think deeper into this. With a deep breath looking at his white and dull reflection, he left the bathroom.

All the while he went to the cafeteria, he tried to think of only breathing in and out. When he got to the cafeteria, however, and he saw how full it was with people, he was in half a mind to leave. But Leo and Emily were waiting for him. So he went inside and immediately headed to the stairs. Reaching the third floor, he looked to the corner, and to his relief he found them seated at the same table with Finn.

- Hey, what took you so long? It couldn't be that far, could it? - Said Leo, sprawled on his chair. They had already finished their lunch, and only Jungkook's tray was full.

- Bathroom detour. - Replied Jungkook, shrugging and sitting down.

- Understandable. - He shrugged as well.

- Hi. - Finn said with a little smile, but Jungkook only nodded while he started to eat.

Unstoppable and unwanted thoughts came to his head, and they were all about Taehyung.

"Taehyung's bad business. Taehyung had accepted his touches too easily for him not to have done it with a man before, Taehyung's weird. Taehyung's not weird, he's kind and thoughtful and-- Weird, no normal man would just touch his face, much less wipe a tear with his fingers. I touched him first, I placed my coat over his shoulders, I grabbed his hands when he tried to take it off, and he acted most gallantly-- Gallant? With me? Why would a man act gallantly with another man, that's not normal. I'm not normal, I have never been, I liked feeling him, I liked holding his face even if it had been too much at first, I liked caressing his hand, I liked the feeling of his skin, I liked when he held my face even if it had been out of instinct; I like being close to him..."

"I'm so weird, there's something wrong with me, I should get away from Taehyung. I don't want to get away from him, he makes me feel good and happy, and I can be myself with him. We're so weird, there's something wrong with us, we shouldn't be close to each other, it'll just make things worse. But I can't get away from him, he's the place I had been looking for since I was fourteen, he's the only skin I've ever felt good touching, good to the bone, and he's the only face I had been wanting to paint in its entirety, and the only one I won't paint without his permission, he's the only man I've ever seen as protection and even if he's older than me I can talk to him like an equal, like a friend."

But he was more than a friend, Jungkook didn't tell everything to Leo and Emily, he told them much more than his family but way less than he did to Taehyung. What was this if not a friendship?

Jungkook wanted so much, he wanted Taehyung, he wanted to keep him to himself, entirely to himself, only for his eyes to see, his ears to hear, his hands to touch. A lump was forming in his throat and he was eating mechanically. Taehyung had done something really bad, he had given Jungkook a taste of something he had been craving for his entire life; craving, longing, yearning, desiring. His heart was beating too fast. It was uncomfortable. His breathing wanted to quicken but instead, he held his breath a few at a time to appear normal. His hands were shaking, he had to put one under the table and the one holding the fork had to strengthen his hold to not drop the utensil. This was too uncomfortable, he felt like the place was too cramped.

Taehyung did something wrong, he had given Jungkook a taste of his touch, and now he wanted all of it. Jungkook felt himself shaking slightly, the lump in his throat making it painful to swallow, the need to be with Taehyung making his skin sting all over, he wanted to run but he didn't know where, the best decision would be to run the other way, but he knew he won't do that. His stomach was burning, he didn't want to eat, but he had to, the show must go on and his character must stay quiet and calm-looking. He just had to stay calm until he could get away.

- Why are your eyes red? - Asked Emily.

He stopped chewing and looked up at her. They were all looking at him. Calmly he swallowed without letting any emotion slip through the cracks and answered with a shrug.

- Maybe it's because I stared at my computer for too long? Or it could just be tiredness. That last class felt much longer than one hour, I was yawning all the time. - He said indifferently. Leo chuckled and he chuckled along with him, without looking directly at Emily. He had the impression that she could see behind his lies sometimes.

- Tell me about it. - Started Leo, rolling his eyes. Jungkook took the opportunity and kept eating. - This morning Finn and I had "Introduction to Law 1", and just let me tell you, I have never felt so disappointed in my life. I was waiting for something much more exciting than that class, that's for sure. Oh! but then we had... what was it called? -

Jungkook was still processing a slight little shock at hearing Finn was Leo's classmate. He'll be seeing him more than he thought. But he couldn't pain those eyes just yet; he wasn't alone in his room anymore.

- "Roman Law 1" - Finn answered.

- "Roman Law 1", now that was more enjoyable, I don't know if it was because of how the Professor was talking or because the subject actually interests me, but it was lit. I can't wait for classes to finally start. -

- What do you mean? They already started, silly. - Emily Laughed.

- I mean the real classes, this first week is only for introduction and stuff. -

- Well for me it wasn't just an introduction. - Said Emily. - My first class was "Introduction to psychology" and it had been alright, but then I had "Communication Skills 1" and the Professor left us our first assignments already. - Leo laughed at how offended she sounded. - We're just lucky all the books we need are at the library. -

Jungkook nearly choked on his juice, and that had been a bad idea because everyone was looking at him now.

- On my way here, - He cleared his throat. - I passed beside it and looked through the glass doors, that place is huge. -

- Yes, it is, - Said Leo, really excited, and Jungkook could breathe again. - We went inside last Saturday, remember Em? That place is unbelievable. I never thought I would ever want to go to a library. It has everything inside, from old and valuable books to mangas and magazines. And did you see when you were passing by? There's a stack of newspapers beside each door. -

Annoyed, Jungkook had to swallow to answer him.

- No, I was just passing. -

- I took one this morning. - Said Finn.

Jungkook averted his eyes down to his plate, he was nearly finished.

Do you still have it? - Asked Emily, and Finn reached into his bag to pass the newspaper to her. Jungkook looked sideways at it once she had it.

On the front page, there was a blurry picture of very dodgy-looking people wearing all black, blending inside a crowd of daily commuters, and then the headline "London on alert".

Preferring to think it was the usual kind of news, Jungkook looked at his plate again to finish eating.

- Do you guys want the dessert? I'm full. - He asked, having no desire, nor patience, to eat anything else. He pushed the little plate over to the center of the table.

- Are you kidding? That's a passion fruit cheesecake, mate, how can you refuse it just like that? -

Jungkook flinched at Leo's words. He was right, it would be rude of him not to eat it even if he was full. Maybe he should...

- Leo, Jungkook said he's full, if he eats more he might get sick. - Emily took the plate and put it on Leo's tray for him to eat. Jungkook gave a tiny smile at the bittersweet moment but said nothing else.

What a difference it would have made in Jungkook's life if his mother had been like Emily, caring, loving, and warm all the time and not just fleetingly when she was off work. Would he have grown normal then? Without a deep need for care and affection like he did now? Without the desperate desire for Taehyung to hold him as he had never been held before? Like just now at the library when he held his face? If his upbringing had been different, would he feel like he needed Taehyung in his life as much as he did now?

- I need to go. - Said Jungkook, to the surprise of the table.

- What time's your next class? - Emily looked taken aback.

- At two. - He got up and took his phone out of his pocket, grabbing his bag. It was one-thirty in the afternoon. He pocketed his phone again and took his tray.

- Where are you going then? - Asked Leo, finishing the cake.

- I want to rest for a while. I'll go to my room. -

- Damn, your class left you that tired? Go rest, we'll see you later. - Said Leo. And Jungkook, feeling thankful for his friend, nodded goodbye to all of them and left.

He went down the stairs and out of the cafeteria looking directly at the floor. He only looked back up when he was outside, and then he stopped. The rooms were to the right, and to the left... There was classroom C123... and the east entrance to the library... What was he planning on doing exactly?

His skin began to itch.

When he reached the corridor with the classroom door at the right and the library at the left, he walked slowly. Now that he was here, he didn't know what to do. What if Taehyung wasn't anywhere near here? And if he was, what would Taehyung think of him if he showed up less than an hour after they said goodbye?

A door opened on his far left in the corridor, and from the library got out... Taehyung. He was looking at the floor while he walked. But Jungkook was able to see his slight red face, had he been crying? Oh, no, but why? Did he spend this whole time crying in the library? While Jungkook left to get lunch? Jungkook felt terrible as he stood on the spot while he watched Taehyung walking, seeming tired. Then, Taehyung looked up and stopped dead.

They were far away from each other, the classroom door in between, and Taehyung's eyes were overflowing with feelings. Jungkook wanted to hold him, his stomach hurt with the need to get closer to him, he clasped a hand over it, digging in his fingers, and he looked around, to make sure they were alone, completely alone.

When he was sure they were, he looked back at Taehyung who was looking at the floor again, he took a step toward him, but Taehyung looked up and took a step back. Jungkook froze, a lump in his throat making it difficult to swallow. He tried to take another step but Taehyung took another one back, then he shook his head looking as miserable as Jungkook felt. Why was he doing this? Jungkook needed to be close, he needed to feel cared for, he needed to feel his soft touch, and his skin was itching with the need for a hug. He might just start screaming if the uncomfortable sensation of loneliness got any worse. He needed Taehyung. 

- Please don't. - Jungkook begged quietly as he took another step and Taehyung took one back again.

He needed physical contact. His arms were tight around his middle and he was frowning in discomfort. Taehyung looked at him, down at his arms, up at his eyes, and he clasped a hand over his face, breathing deeply.

Then, in a strong stride, Taehyung went to the door and harshly opened it to get inside. Jungkook saw this and followed, not having given any instruction not to as he clutched at his bag straps. He got in and looked around, unable to find Taehyung. But then the door closed behind him and he turned to see him locking it.

- What do you need? - Taehyung asked in a low voice. This wasn't his voice, he sounded distant and cold. During the time he had been alone, Taehyung had decided for himself not to listen to Jungkook and follow the rules instead.

He didn't like this attitude.

Jungkook knew what he needed and he felt embarrassed to even think about it when Taehyung was acting like this. He bit his bottom lip, frowning at the floor. Taehyung moved then, he bent down to get his briefcase he had left beside the door and out from it, he took... his sketchbook. Jungkook hadn't realized he'd left it.

Taehyung, looking down, straightened up and reached his hand with the sketchbook forward for Jungkook to take.

Jungkook grabbed his sketchbook. However, he had placed his hand over Taehyung's.

Taehyung took a sharp breath, still looking down, but didn't move his hand. Jungkook felt slightly better than before at the contact. But he needed more. He got one step closer and Taehyung took one step back, but he couldn't take more as the door stopped him. Jungkook took one step closer, and Taehyung closed his eyes tightly.

- Don't... - Taehyung said, in a strained voice, and Jungkook let go of him and took the sketchbook. But when Taehyung opened his eyes again, it wasn't to see Jungkook getting away from him, Jungkook was taking off his bag and leaving it on the floor, tossing his sketchbook over it, and taking one step even closer. Taehyung flinched away but hit the door with his back. - Jungkook no... - He looked desperate now.

- Why not? I'm not asking you to do something you hadn't done before. Why are you acting like this? - Jungkook asked desperately, he didn't like this at all, he didn't like Taehyung flinching away from his touch.

- It's different now, I realized--... -

Jungkook couldn't take it anymore and placed one hand over his cheek, relishing the warmth of it. He sighed looking at the place where his hand touched Taehyung's face.

- What did you realize? - Asked Jungkook, brushing his thumb against his face, the friction of it soothing him.

Taehyung took in a shaky breath.

- That I... I can't get... more... -

"...more" Jungkook wanted more, he needed more of this amazing feeling, he needed to feel Taehyung's soft skin. Jungkook placed his other hand over Taehyung's other cheek and held him as he had at the library. It felt so good to have him on his hands like this. Taehyung had gotten quiet, he realized, and he looked up at him to stare at his eyes.

Taehyung was looking at him like he was restraining himself in some way. Jungkook's stomach fluttered worse than ever, but it didn't feel bad, it just made him want to stare at Taehyung with adoration. He had no idea what was going on, he was just acting upon his feelings and sensations without even thinking it twice.

He caressed his cheeks again.

- What did you realize? - He asked, and Taehyung looked at a loss for words like he had forgotten what he had been trying to say. But then he remembered and looked at Jungkook with a slight frown. From the corner of his eye, Jungkook saw Taehyung's hand reaching his face. And when Taehyung placed his palm over his cheek, Jungkook tilted his head to the side, closed his eyes, and sighed, feeling warm with the affection he was craving.

- I realized... - Started Taehyung, and Jungkook saw him through watery eyes. - That I shouldn't have gotten attached to you. - Jungkook looked at him with desperation, with fear of not knowing exactly what was going on inside him, with sorrow for not being normal, and smiled sadly at him.

- Likewise. - He needed Taehyung, and that became a fact from the moment they met. He needed him to feel free and whole and completely and utterly himself. He needed him.

Taehyung softly shook his head.

- You don't know what I'm talking about, Jungkook. - And then he brushed his thumb against Jungkook's cheek. Jungkook took a sharp deep breath. It felt so good to be caressed like that. He closed his eyes and let go of Taehyung's face to grab his hand and pull it closer.

He was desperate to feel, desperate for the warmth of another body holding him. He was grabbing Taehyung's wrist with one hand and the back of his hand with the other, gently rubbing his cheek on it. Then, Taehyung, in one swift movement, pushed his hand from Jungkook's face to the back of his head, tangling his fingers through his hair. Jungkook was left with a tingling feeling running around his whole body from the tip of his skull, while he was grabbing Taehyung's forearm over his suit jacket.

- What do you mean, then? - Asked Jungkook and then bit his lip, feeling dazed and strangely good, moving his head so Taehyung's fingers rubbed at his scalp. Then, Taehyung flexed his fingers, dragging his nails gently. - Mm! - Jungkook jumped a bit forwards, away from the hand. That had felt too good and now there was a good sensation he hadn't felt before running up and down his spine. Upon looking forward he realized just how close they were right now.

Jungkook felt so much when he was with Taehyung, that it would be nearly impossible for him to leave his side now. But he knew this wasn't normal. He knew that feeling desperately good being this close to a man, was not normal, that Taehyung feeling just as fine with his closeness and his touches, was not normal. He knew that this wasn't normal, he even knew that this was wrong on a lot of levels. But he did not want to stop.

- ... I can't tell you what I mean. - Taehyung said in a low voice, looking him right in the eyes, and slowly holding Jungkook's face in both hands. Jungkook held both of Taehyung's forearms and slowly moved up to his hands, then brushed his thumbs over his skin. They both sighed.

- This is wrong. - Said Jungkook while he gently rubbed his palms against the back of Taehyung's hands and felt as blissful as he had never felt before.

- Yes. - Taehyung agreed with the desperate look of someone that had to stop but didn't want to, while he rubbed his thumbs against Jungkook's cheekbones.

- But I can't let you get away. I won't let you. - He was determined as he looked at Taehyung and held him by the wrists. Taehyung looked at him, unsure. And then it was like an idea popped into his head.

- What if I told you that I have a wife and children? -

Jungkook froze at the news.

A wife... Taehyung has a wife... Taehyung has children... He's a father... Taehyung has a family... Wait, if Taehyung has a wife, then why would he hold Jungkook so... so tenderly? Even a little desperately, just like Jungkook? Was he lying? No, he wouldn't look so anxious waiting for Jungkook's answer. But why does he look anxious?... oh... wait, he already said that he had gotten attached to Jungkook and that he shouldn't have, could it be because he has a wife? Yes, that had to be it. So, he got attached to Jungkook and he said he shouldn't have, and he told him he has a wife while holding his face and looking at him anxiously... If he was looking at him anxiously, it was because he feared Jungkook would react badly. He feared Jungkook would get away from him and that was why he looked anxious, but he told him he has a wife because he knew Jungkook should get away.

He was waiting for Jungkook to be the one to get away from him. But Jungkook knew he wouldn't, not when he knew Taehyung didn't want him away.

- What do you expect me to do with this information? - He asked impassively, and Taehyung looked desperate.

- Run away. - Then, contradictorily, he held Jungkook even more securely.

Jungkook grinned.

- I know. - Taehyung's face changed to one of slight surprise. - At this point, I don't think anything you say will make me run away if I hadn't already. -

- You had run already. -

- But I didn't want to. And I came back. And I'll stay because Taehyung wants me to stay. - Jungkook was resolute.

Taehyung's eyebrows relax surprise smoothed his forehead. Jungkook closed his eyes and let himself feel again, moving his head a little from side to side, feeling secure in his decision and safe in Taehyung's hands, feeling his soft skin on his own. And then he heard Taehyung trying to say something.

- Can I--

But he was interrupted. Jungkook looked up to see Taehyung listening intently at the door and then looked down at him.

- What time is it? - He asked hurriedly, letting go of Jungkook's face as the latter took his phone out of his pocket.

- Two o'clock. - Jungkook widened his eyes. Why did time move so fast when he was with Taehyung? He grabbed his bag and pocketed his sketchbook when he heard footsteps nearing the door. He straightened up and saw Taehyung over on the Professor's desk leaving his briefcase, and Jungkook neared him. - See you later. - He whispered and smiled at him. Taehyung smiled softly back.

- See you. Let me open the door for you. - Taehyung made to go to the door, but Jungkook grabbed him by the forearm, stopping him.

- No need. - Taehyung looked curiously at him when Jungkook tightened his bag straps to his shoulders, and, with a mischievous look, ran to the open window.

Hearing a gasp behind him, he jumped easily out of the classroom into the little garden and laughed as he ran to his own class.

While Jungkook was in "Philosophy and Race", he couldn't concentrate on what the professor was saying. He sat at the front of the class and took out his laptop, with all the intention of concentrating, but the opposite happened. He ended up resting his head in his hands, with his elbows on the table and his eyes unfocused looking at the board.

One thought came to his mind and didn't want to let him go. The mysterious pull-like sensation he had when he first landed eyes over the line of trees heading to the woods where he later met Taehyung. He wanted to believe that it had been just a coincidence, that he felt the need to go to that woods because he wanted fresh air and then he followed the sound of the water because he was curious, and then it just happened that Taehyung had been there.

He wanted to try and think about this whole happening of events in a logical way and maybe try to come to conclusions or results of any kind that might help him better understand what was going on. Because he wanted to understand why or how he could interact so easily with this particular stranger.

If he wanted to have an answer about the present to better see the future he had to look through the past first, Oliver told him that. So, the first question would be... Why was he so desperate for physical contact? That question made him cringe a little. Oh, how embarrassed he felt now after he thought of how he was rubbing his head on Taehyung's hands. Ugh.

Why was he so desperate for physical contact? Because of the lack of it, that's the short answer. He can remember every one of his mother's kisses and hugs, and his father barely patted him on the back or shook his hand, and he'd only exchange handshakes with his siblings, nothing more.

Emily was another thing entirely, she gave amazing hugs whenever he wanted one. However, he couldn't ask for hugs as much as he needed them. He didn't want her to worry about his mental health or for her to get the wrong idea.

He can remember why the hugging with Emily started; it had been the first time they saw each other after his fourteenth birthday, he had run to greet them and stayed hugging her for way too long, just crying on her shoulder because of what had happened to him that he had never told them about and that he rarely lets himself remember. She, the angel, hugged him back, and Leo, his brother, hadn't said anything about it; he even patted his shoulder.

When he was fourteen he had a sudden... attack or something. That day had lasted too long, and it had been terrible and terrifying.

He woke up feeling sticky, slimy, and dirty all over, he was feeling nauseous and disgusted, completely covered in a cold sweat and shivering. His clothes felt terrible on his skin, everything felt terrible when he touched it, too cold, too solid, and too rough. Without wanting to eat anything, he locked himself up in his room and skipped school. That day will always be on the list of the most terrible days of his life, not only because of how he felt but also because of how he handled it. The very next day at school, the fistfights started.

So that had to be it then. Taehyung's touches felt good because he hadn't had anything like it before, he had never had someone who looked at him like they wanted to touch him as much as he wanted to be touched, or a soft hand caressing his cheek, or fingers thru his hair.

Just thinking of the feeling he had when Taehyung flexed his fingers made a trickling sensation flow down his body. He felt so good when Taehyung touched him. He got addicted to his touch, he knew it. As he was sitting in that lonely chair listening to a dull class, he was begging for nighttime to arrive, and he knew he was doomed.

The logical side of this would be to say that he wanted Taehyung to be close because he had been deprived of the affectionate physical contact that Taehyung gave to him so easily. That was the logical side of him that he could understand once he had all the information on the table, but the other side of him, he could not.

"The other" side of him was the side that he called "the wrong part" of his brain, the part that made him desperate for human contact, the part that made him so emotional, the part that made him see beauty the way no one else could, and the one responsible for making Taehyung appear on his mind like the male version of Aphrodite. He didn't like to think with that part of his brain, it made him think wrongly, and when he wasn't thinking, it made him act wrongly. Love it or hate it it was part of him and he had to live with it... he hated it, but he had to live with it. However, he didn't hate it as much when he was with Taehyung, he even let himself do sometimes, a clear example was when he unashamedly rubbed his face on Taehyung's hands. Ughhhh...

That class had been awful, but not as awful as knowing he had to wait for another five hours for him to be able to go to the clearing.

Jungkook was walking back to his room with a frown on his face and a strongly determined stride, only thinking of his bed, and only stopping once to let a group of girls pass down the stairs.

He got to his door, unlocked it, and got inside locking it again behind him. Jimin hadn't arrived yet so he had the room for himself. He left his backpack on the floor next to his drawing table and sat down on his bed.

Two facts he was sure of, the first one was that: He didn't want to let go of Taehyung. And the second was that: Taehyung had a family of his own.

Jungkook rubbed his hands over his eyes and laid down on his bed with his feet still on the floor.

What a mess. He wanted to have Taehyung for himself at all times like a selfish, egotistical, sick, monster, when Taehyung had a wife he surely loved, waiting for him at their home with their children. Just the thought of being the reason those two children lose his father is abhorring enough to hate himself.

He didn't want to be a sick monster and make Taehyung do things he shouldn't just for his own peace of mind. He still had work to do and things to revise and a life of his own. He shouldn't drag Taehyung down his own sick, wrong, and desperate path.

But thinking about how wrong it was to be with Taehyung was also unwelcomed. He'd never been happier.

Standing from his bed, he went to the bathroom. He needed to throw water on his face. While he was in the bathroom, he heard the room door opening and closing, so he dried his face and hands and walked out.

- Hi, Jimin. - He greeted without looking at the figure sitting on the opposite bed.

- Hi, Kooky. -

Jungkook froze and looked around. It was Tom. Jimin wasn't in the room.

- Where's Jimin? - He asked skeptically at the grinning guy sitting before him.

- He's downstairs bringing some snacks. - He answered, still grinning, and Jungkook couldn't help but think that Tom was taunting him about something. He even looked kind of mad. - So... how was "Human Nature"? - Jungkook felt himself getting pale, but his face remained impassive, if this guy knew anything it was because Jimin told him and the only thing Jimin would know would be how he was absent from the class, so he couldn't tell him the lie about being in the M buildings.

- I don't know, I wasn't there. - He couldn't come up with a lie fast enough, Tom's stare was too strong to feel confident in his words.

- Missing class on the first day? - He clicked his tongue. - That won't help you with your good grades, Kooky. -

Jungkook frowned.

- My grades are none of your business. And stop calling me "Kooky", it's weird. -

Tom's face changed at those words. He got up abruptly from Jimin's bed and went straight to Jungkook who could only run backward until his backside hit his chest of drawers. Tom was right in front of him, and too close for comfort.

- Get away from me. - Jungkook warned in a small voice, but Tom smiled grimly, showing his pointy canines.

- You... hypocrite. - He whispered, and Jungkook's face went as white as if he had seen a ghost. Tom had just uttered the same words he had said to Taehyung that same morning, exactly how he had said them. - Yes Kooky, I saw you. - Jungkook shook his head, frightened beyond belief. - Did you know that Literature students prefer to use old encyclopedias instead of the internet? Yes, the words used are often ancient but still have a beauty to them and are great to write poems, would you like to hear the small one I wrote this morning? Don't worry, it's easy to understand. Whose Professor is that? I think I know. His owner is quite shaky though. He caresses His face with a dark vigor. I watch them commit crimes in hidden litter. -

- What do you think? I can assure you right now that I can do much better than that if I had more information, but I left quite fast, you know? I didn't want to intrude. - Jungkook was shaking with both anger and fright, and he went to push Tom away from him, but Tom just took his wrists and pushed him backward again. - What were you doing with that Professor, I wonder. - Jungkook tried to get his hands free but Tom pushed his hands down, against the first drawer. - You know? Because I left you two alone like the good person that I am, unlike you. - Tom laughed and he got even closer to Jungkook. Jungkook tried to shake himself away from Tom but that only made Tom tighten his grip on Jungkook's wrists making it hurt. - You go around giving side-eyes and curses to people just like you. You are the hypocrite, Kooky. -

- Stop calling me that way. -

- Why? Only He can call you that? If that is the case then tell me so and I'll stop. -

- No one can call me that but women. -

Tom laughed.

- What would you let men call you, I wonder. -

- Jungkook. -

- Really? And what about that big bloke Leonardo? He calls you Kook. Or is he a special circumstance as well? Do you two hide behind bookshelves too? -

- Of Course not! Shut up! -

- Oh, the Professor's the only special circumstance, I see. And what, how long have you known each other? For how long has this been going on, eh? -

- We just met yesterday! - He was desperate to get away from him, he didn't want this kind of contact, no, only Taehyung could touch him, no, "make him stop, make him stop." - Let me go! Get away! - He was getting highly desperate, but Tom wouldn't stop.

- What do you mean yesterday? You can't have gotten this close in just one fucking day. Stop lying. - He sounded angry, Jungkook couldn't understand what Tom was after. Why was he taunting him this way? He wasn't even doing it in public so everyone could see how much of a weakling Jungkook was. Why was he asking so many questions?

- I don't owe you any explanation. -

- Tell me now or I swear I will bite you in the neck. -

- What the fuck! - Tom looked angry and resolute, he meant what he was saying. Jungkook's breathing quickened, he was afraid for his fucking life, he thought of this morning and of how Tom looked like he could kill Leo, and got even more scared as he looked into his rage-filled eyes. - We--we met yesterday... I... - Jungkook shook his head not knowing what else to say.

- What happened yesterday? I saw you kept staring at him at the banquet. What happened? - Jungkook was horrified, for how long had this guy...? One word from him and Jungkook could get in serious trouble, and not only him, Taehyung too. He couldn't let that happen.

- After the banquet I went to the woods, I followed the white path that could be seen from this window, just for a nighttime stroll, I had no intention of meeting him, I swear, we haven't even talked beforehand, the only thing that happened was that I collided with him on a corridor but other than that nothing, I haven't met him before, I haven't even heard of him. When I was walking the path, I heard a creek in the distance and I followed the sound of it... -

- Water? You heard a creek and followed it?... Do you usually do that sort of thing? - Tom looked like he was trying to unravel something, but Jungkook couldn't think what.

- No, I... I've never really been inside a forest before. -

- Then why did you go inside it? at night? Weren't you scared? -

- Umm... No, I wasn't. I just... kept walking. -

- So, you left the safety of the path to blindly follow the sound of the water that you had no idea where it was coming from and you weren't scared of falling into a hole on the ground or even a wild animal appearing out of nowhere. -

- There are no wild animals in these woods. -

- The point, Jungkook. Where did the sound lead you? -

- To a... - He didn't want to tell him all of this, what if he appeared there out of nowhere when he thought he was alone with Taehyung? Could he never be truly free?- Why do you need to know where exactly? - He asked bitterly. - To spy on us again? -

- Where / did / the water / lead you, Jungkook? - He spoke in clear separate words looking intently at Jungkook's eyes. Jungkook had to reply.

- ... A meadow. - Tom's frown disappeared. - And he was there. He told me he didn't even plan on going there, he just followed the sound of the water too. - That sounded very dreamlike even as he said it with anger at Tom. It made him think that, as far as coincidence goes, his meeting with Taehyung had been too perfect to be a coincidence. But it had been a coincidence, they didn't plan anything, it just happened.

- A meadow?... With a round, white pavilion, in the middle? -

Jungkook frowned. Tom looked like he knew something. Jungkook nodded slowly, and Tom let go of him, finally moving away.

- Why the sudden change? - Jungkook asked while he rubbed at his sore wrists, frowning at Tom's strange behavior.

- I've heard that story before. - Jungkook's confused frown deepened. - Don't worry Kooky, I won't spy on you. Actually, I never did. It was a coincidence that I went to that part of the library this morning, and I tried to get away as soon as I could. I respect people's privacy just as much as you're completely honest with someone, meaning, I only respect a few. So I have a deal for you, you'll be my friend and I will respect your privacy, deal? -

He stretched his hand for Jungkook to shake, but Jungkook was still in shock. What did he mean by hearing that story before? What part of the story exactly? Had he been to that part of the woods? Wait, what about the deal? He should take it of course, but at what cost? Why was it so important for him to be his friend if there wasn't a bad side to it. But if he didn't accept...

- Ok. - Jungkook said and shook hands with Tom, fleetingly. Then the door of the room opened again. - Jimin, I don't want your friend in my room. - Jungkook said as soon as he saw Jimin, and Jimin looked at both of them with the same tiny frightened stare he looked at almost everything.

- Are you really... ? - Tom laughed as he looked incredulously at Jungkook. Jimin silently closed the door again and walked with tiny steps to his bed to sit down on it, placing his bag beside him. - You know we're friends now, right? - Tom said to Jungkook, moving aside so he wouldn't give his back to Jimin. When Jimin saw Jungkook against the dresser rubbing his wrist, he got up from the bed and got closer, but once he realized what he was doing, he stopped walking.

- What--... You--... Did you--... - Jimin was having a hard time trying to say something, and Tom got slightly closer to him. Jungkook saw how Jimin looked considerably calmer while he looked at Tom's face. - Did you... ask him... about... -

- About where he was during Human Nature? Yes, I did. He was at the library, don't worry about it. - Tom then turned to look at Jungkook and answered his puzzled stare. - Jimin told me he got worried when you missed class and asked me to ask you about it. - Jungkook looked taken aback by this and looked at Jimin, who was looking at the floor, biting his lip. - He had been worried about you since you came back the night before--... - Tom's stare changed to a quizzical once as he said. - Because you came back looking like something bad had happened to you. -

Jungkook then understood why Tom looked so confused. He had just told him that he met Taehyung in the woods the night before and Jimin told him he came back late at night with bloodshot eyes, scratches all over his arms, and coatless.

- Nothing happened Jimin, don't worry about it. - Jungkook reassured his roommate. What he meant by that was that nothing bad was done to him, and he hoped that would relax Jimin a little.

He never thought Jimin would be worried about him, they haven't even exchanged a word since he asked Jimin's name.

With a fast explanation of how tired he was, he told them not to interrupt him while he drew and then put his earphones on while he sat on his bed, back against the head of the bed. He won't be using his new drawing table because he still had no stool and besides, the only thing he had a mind to was to draw in his sketchbook and not something big.

Beside him laid his pencil case while his sketchbook rested on his lap. The sketchbook that Taehyung had held close to his chest. That thought alone made him want to smile, but sadly he wasn't alone in the room so he had to keep a straight face. At first, he had nothing concrete in mind that he wanted to draw so he just started drawing the window with the view and, unavoidably, silhouettes of Tom and Jimin sitting in front of it on his bed. But just silhouettes of them.

As he sketched, he thought of Tom. No regards for the lines, completely invading his personal space, and being overall a complete weirdo--

"You hypocrite".

Hearing his own words coming from Tom's mouth right after he had called him weird was like a slap to the face.

Being called weird was something he'd been trying to avoid since he knew what it meant. However, it wasn't only because he thought he was one, but because he also thought he wasn't. Weird is very linked to Wrong, but even if he'd done things he shouldn't have, he would much rather consider himself Different; even though it was still hardly accepted, it wasn't yet unforgivable.

The fact that he as a man could find beauty in men when it's supposed to be mentally impossible was something he avoids thinking about objectively because then he would have to surrender to the Unforgivable Name. But thinking subjectively about it made him realize that his talent to find beauty knows no boundary and therefore abides by no rule whether social or biological.

There lies his inner struggle. Objectively, he's Wrong, subjectively, he's Different. But because it matters most what others see, he curses himself every time he's himself and not what he should be. And then, when he's himself, he curses that which he should be, knowing fully well that he cannot stop being it.

When he puts everything in perspective and realizes he was trapped, it makes him heavily depressed, so he avoids that too.

He tries to avoid being objective and looking at everything in perspective to save himself from the pain. But sometimes, just like now, even thinking subjectively can turn dark quickly.

Jungkook finished drawing the rough lines of his sketch and took a darker pen to soften them. As he did so, he could feel his frown deepening.

Thinking about HMD was unavoidable when he thinks about himself being Wrong. First deemed as a sickness that affects the brain and then labeled as a mental illness that could be completely cured, no one knows if it spreads from one person to another or if it's genetic like bipolarity and schizophrenia, or if due to certain circumstances in life it could spring up like depression and anxiety, but everyone treats it like it could be because of all three. He first came in contact with the name in his house though he can't remember how, then it was at school, in Ethics, Theology, Biology, and History class, and then it was all around him, in small comments, whispers, loud accusations, and side glances. He'd never been accused or had someone suggest he was one, but the doubt had always been in his head. And his father was the one who put it there.

Jungkook had to close his eyes and breathe before continuing his drawing. It made him so anxious to think about this subject. He tried hugging his father when he was little and instead of being sent to a mental hospital to be checked, they made his father's butler–

Jungkook's eyes snapped open. For a couple of seconds, he looked around himself, confused as to where he was. Once he remembered, he was then confused as to what he'd been thinking about.

But Jungkook couldn't remember.

He thought and thought and slowly it came back to him. He'd been thinking of... Oh, yes, how he doesn't have HMD.

Looking up at his wall of drawings, satisfaction filled his chest. HMD didn't make him paint what he had hidden, it was talent. If he had the illness, he would be a complete monster. If he had the illness, his heart wouldn't start galloping at the thought of Taehyung's smile.

Trying to suppress a smile, he continued with his drawing. He couldn't remember exactly what he'd been pondering over before he opened his eyes, but he knew it'd been bad. He could still feel the tension on his shoulders, neck, and stomach. So he continued thinking about much more pleasant things to distract himself further from it.

Taehyung...

A little smile lifted the sides of his mouth. His eyes filled with endearment, with worry for him, with surrender for his touch, his eyes filled with him and only him, looking at him and paying attention and good care to every word and every movement. Usually, he wouldn't like to be stared at so closely, so this fluttering in his stomach was very new.

Thinking about Taehyung made him feel ten times better, even if his memories weren't always nice, like him running away or Taehyung telling him he had a whole family. Just the thought of having Taehyung in his life was... happy. He didn't have to hide anything from him. Well... only his surname, but aside from that, he could be himself, completely himself, and Taehyung could be too. They were free when they were with each other. Jungkook knew it would maybe take some time for Taehyung to let go of the rules completely when they were together, clear examples were the times his voice got distant and there was no light in his eyes as he tried to get away from Jungkook.

He knew Taehyung didn't want to get away from him and that was blissful, but it also gave him the wish to set Taehyung free. Because he was beautiful, because when he was being himself the way his eyes lit up and his smile turned childlike it was the most beautiful sight in the world and it would be the most terrible crime to let that smile die. He wanted Taehyung completely free and happy because that's how the world was supposed to work. How his world was supposed to be.

Thinking of that smile made him want to smile. But he couldn't, they could be watching him. So he closed his sketchbook, pocketed everything back inside his pencil case, and put both on his nightstand to then turn around in his bed and curl up to take a nap, giving his back to them.

But all he saw as he closed his eyes was him, and he wanted to think of him as beautiful as he could remember. He was tired of overthinking himself to tears. He finally had one ray of freedom, and he will hold on as tight as he could. Taehyung made him happy, and he also made him feel a lot of other things, but the only thing that he could understand entirely was that he felt happy, and that was all that mattered.

As he lay there listening to piano music, he felt his muscles relaxing as a soft smile came to his face.

He couldn't wait to go to the meadow.

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 8 <3

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Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

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Go ahead with the next Chapter ->->->