Me auxilium vobis

Let me help you

- Of course, I knock. - Leo fought back jokingly as he got in with his bag over his shoulder.

- I think he meant "like a normal person". - Emily fought on Finn's side, getting in after the latter, both with their bag as well.

- Hello, so nice to have you barging into my room, thank you very much. - Jungkook joked and they all chuckled as he leaned against the table and crossed his arms over his chest.

Leo. Jungkook's planning on paying much more attention today.

- Wait. - Said Emily as she looked around and left her bag beside Jimin's bed. - Where's Jimin? I thought he would be joining us. - She asked, confused.

Jungkook's body froze, the smile was gone, and his head started rushing to remember if he had heard or felt or even thought Jimin had gone out of the bathroom, but nothing came.

Jimin never got out of the bathroom.

The breath got cut in his throat, his eyes opened wide and his head turned hastily to look at the bathroom door as his body jumped away from his desk, arms falling tensely to his sides. He looked back at his friends, trying and failing to keep composure. They all looked alarmed at seeing him like this.

- He never got out. - Was the only thing he said under his breath.

Finn's reaction was instantaneous, his face fell into alarm as he rushed silently towards the bathroom door, holding in a breath. The rest were all frozen in place, not knowing what to make of Jimin locking himself in there.

- Jimin. - Finn said gently, very close to the door, the palms of his hands almost touching the wood and shaking slightly. He looked whiter than ever. - Jimin can you--... Could you answer me, please? - He looked so afraid as he tried to control his breathing, a pained frown placed on his forehead. Not a single sound came from the bathroom. - Jimin. - Nothing. - Jimin, could you open the door, please? - His voice was always gentle though he looked terrified. Nothing could be heard from the other side. Finn's breath hitched right when he was about to try again, and his hands flew to his neck, holding it as though he was choking or something hurt him.

Jungkook was about to take a step when movement made him stop. It was Leo, hurrying towards Finn, looking at nothing but him, being worried for no one but him, stretching his hands to hold him. But Finn turned around before he ever got near enough and ran out the door, gasping for air.

Leo stood there, frozen, looking down at his own outstretched hands in astonishment while Emily looked at his back with utter confusion like she couldn't even come up with what he had been wanting to do.

Jungkook looked back towards the door and finally stepped forwards.

- Jimin. - He spoke close to the door, ear right next to it to hear the faintest of sounds. But nothing came. - Jimin, if you don't open the door, I'll punch it down. - He was desperate now, guilt eating him alive like scorching fire to his skin. How did he let this happen? how did he never notice Jimin never getting out? why was he so self-absorbed that he cared more about his thoughts than to check if his roommate, who's just had a panic attack, felt fine enough to be left alone in a closed room? - One... - He started counting, ready to break down the door if he must. - Two!... - He heard something.

Frozen in place, he forced his ear to take every single little noise. It sounded like drops of water splashing on the floor, faint footsteps getting nearer, and finally, the knob started to turn very silently.

Jimin opened a very small fraction of the door, it was only to let Jungkook see that he was fine enough to stand up and open it so he wouldn't break anything. But what Jungkook saw didn't comfort him. The light was off, Jimin was still wearing his pajamas, and he was drenched in water, his clothes soaked through, his hair and eyes looking darker than black, his skin looking sickly white, and there were brand new scratches on his neck.

Right where Tom had threatened him. Right where he had said that once bitten, the body would go numb or paralyzed. Right where he had told him Jimin had asked him to bite, so he could be exempted to feel anything physically.

Jungkook couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't speak. He was looking at himself. This was how he had looked all those years, all those times he's had attacks where he just felt like a monster, deformed, dangerous, unbalanced, depressed, crazily desperate for love and affection.

Jimin needed love.

- I'll be right back. - He said to Jimin and then got much closer to the opening so only Jimin could hear. - I'll bring him, don't worry. - Jimin's eyebrows knotted and his face screwed up in muffled agony. Then he nodded, and, slowly, closed the door.

Jungkook was able to breathe again, now with a purpose, with the answer, the way, the mean, finally, he had the ability and opportunity to help that broken boy in need of love.

Jungkook turned around to look at his more than confused and worried friends.

- I'll be right back. - Was all he was able to say before he started running.

He needed to run, he needed to get there, he needed to help as fast as he could. Jungkook ran through corridors, some students walking here and there but none that mattered, he needed to find Tom. And he thought it'll be really hard to find him right after this morning since he doesn't even know what happened once he got inside the bathroom for Jimin to be looking out of the window like he had been. All alone.

Jungkook ran down the stairs and got inside the Study Room to his right. The natural light coming in through the massive half-circled panel of windows from floor to ceiling dazzled him into stillness, but once he could open his eyes, he looked around. There weren't many people and everyone in their business. He looked and looked but none looked like it could be Tom.

He turned around and, pum, right into someone's chest. He stepped back, heart racing, chest filled with desperation to find Tom.

- S-Sorry... - He apologized before he even looked the person in the eyes.

- Jungkook? - He looked up. It was Garrett, looking very worriedly at him. - Jungkook, what's happening? Are you alright? What happened last night? -

Garrett studies literature as well.

- Garrett. - Jungkook stopped him and took a step forward. - Do you know a guy named Tom? He's studying literature with you. - He said, rushed.

Garrett's face changed somewhat, turned hard and focused, his posture straightening up.

- Yes, I do, I can identify him if need be. -

...He was acting like a soldier. Jungkook's breath stopped for a second in surprise.

- Good, let's go. - Jungkook said firmly and walked past him, out the door.

- Yes. - That came automatically out of Garrett's mouth, it seems. It was too rushed, sounded like he's done it too many times before.

Jungkook had his eyes everywhere at once and his brain was doing a lot of things a second. He was looking at his surroundings searching for Tom -now out of the Students Living Area- and he was also looking at Garrett and how he moved. His steps and breathing were following a rhythm, his eyes were looking around as well but more pointedly like, he knew how to use his peripheral vision in a magnified way or something. Like he's done this before.

He did look like a soldier all of a sudden.

- Do you have any ideas as to where he could be? - Garrett asked, never stopping his search. Unspokenly, they had both agreed on heading toward the library.

- Not at all. He could be surrounded by books or art, he could be hiding somewhere we have no idea of, he could be... out in the woods. I don't know, but I have to find him now. - He was getting dizzy now, the red color of the carpeted floor was the main culprit of this.

- Can I ask why? - Garrett asked; a frown on his forehead. The library side doors were on the other side of this corridor.

- Umm... - Jungkook tried to think of that with everything else that was happening in his brain at the moment. - Well... He's like, my roommate's best friend, and he's having... a really bad time right now. I need to find him, he's the only one who can help him. - He said breathlessly. Garrett didn't answer, he just hurried his steady steps and opened the glass doors to the library, letting them both walk in.

- If we don't find this guy, I'll help your roommate. - Garrett muttered only for Jungkook to hear, his serious stare focusing on every person in there. Again there weren't many.

Jungkook didn't even want to think of taking Jimin to the hospital wing. If they were really alike, then Jimin would just see that as a betrayal.

- Fucking hell... - Jungkook muttered under his breath as he looked around. - This place is too fucking huge.

- Doesn't your roommate have his number? - Garrett had a sudden idea. Making Jungkook feel like the stupidest wanker in this bloody university. Jungkook closed his eyes shut, let his hands fall on either side of him, and breathed tensely.

- Yes, he does. His phone is in his bag and he's currently hiding in the bathroom, that's why he hasn't called him himself. -

Once he realized this out loud, they turned around and ran back to the rooms. Garrett was faster than him even if he was a fast runner himself, so they got back in no time.

They kept running to the back and then through that last corridor beside the windows towards his door, which was half-opened. He just pushed it open, with a little more force than necessary, scaring Leo and Emily who were sitting on the floor paralleling each other with their laptops.

Jungkook stood still, breathing fast and hard.

- Jimin? - He knew he was still in the bathroom before Emily gave him an apologetic stare.

- I tried, but... - She shook her head, and Leo turned back to his screen with a frown on his forehead. Jungkook just turned to Jimin's bag on the floor and opened it, looking for his phone.

What a mess this bag was.

There was no laptop, there were two notebooks and a very big study book, he had no pencil case so the content of one was all over, pens and dirty color pencils, a tiny eraser, an old ballpoint pen held together by duct tape, and there was a cable of sorts that must be his headphones. Jungkook rummaged through it to see if the phone was at the bottom but instead, he found at least three different tiny pill bottles and an empty, crumbled, water bottle. He was speechless, his throat closing shut. Jungkook closed the bag and went to Jimin's nightstand instead, walking through his friends, but it wasn't over the nightstand, so he opened the drawer. Again, pill bottles and water bottles, the makeup pencil case, several different, tangled, earphones, and, finally, the phone under them.

Jungkook took it, closed the drawer, and headed fast towards the bathroom door. Garrett had stayed silent on the doorstep, looking intently at him drawing with a little frown.

- Jimin. - He turned on the phone and waited. This time, Jimin opened the door in just one call, his eyes opened wide, but then they half-closed once more when he saw it was just Jungkook. - I couldn't find him. Could you give me your password so I could call him? - He presented Jimin his phone, and he looked down at it as his eyes widened with a little bit of life again. Instead of giving him his password, he stretched his hand and Jungkook passed him his phone, after that, Jimin closed the door again.

Jungkook stood there, not knowing if he had helped or not, not knowing if he did the right thing or not. His heart was still in his throat as he waited in vain for Jimin to tell him he had called. He will never get that confirmation. And that was the most he could do, give him his phone to call for help because Jungkook really would never be able to find Tom, not even with Garrett.

He took a deep breath as he stepped back, away from the door.

That's all he could do for now.

So, he turned around, feeling slightly better, less frantic, and went to present Garrett to his friends, still feeling as though he should've done more.

- So... - He stopped his pacing when he was in the middle between his seated friends and Garrett on the door. He clapped his hands and took a deep breath, still trying to calm down fully. - Leo, Emily, this is my friend Garrett. I've told you about him. -

Leo and Emily looked at Garrett, and Emily put her laptop down to stand up and greet him, however, Leo didn't. So uncharacteristically of him, he stayed seated on the floor, the previous frown still edged on his forehead, and he didn't even say hello. Usually, he would try to make the newcomer feel welcomed or at least for them to have a good time for the short time he would allow them near, but, right now, he didn't even seem to be present in the room. Leo looked so far in his thoughts right now, Jungkook didn't know whether to get worried or not.

- Hello, Garrett. - Emily greeted him with a sweet smile, and then she stood on her tiptoes to leave a kiss on his cheek.

Jungkook turned to look at them as he crossed his arms over his chest, the look on Leo's eyes still on his mind.

Garrett looked pleasantly taken aback, his hardened expression had softened with a little smile and he brought his hands from behind him to shake her hand.

- Hello, Emily, it's a pleasure to meet you. - His eyes looked like a puppy's and his smile was so sweet that even Jungkook smiled a little.

Emily smiled and giggled.

- Thank you. Same to you. - She muttered and giggled again as he softly let go of her hand. - Will you study with us? - She asked cutely, folding her hands behind her back as she bobbed on the heels of her feet a little.

Jungkook turned to look at Leo. Usually, it irked him whenever Emily was being overly friendly with a guy, but, right now, he was just ignoring everything and looking at the screen on his laptop. It was the page of an online book, but he wasn't moving his eyes at all.

- Actually, I can't, I'm sorry. - Garrett said apologetically. - I don't study on weekends and I've already made plans. I was actually heading to meet someone when I bumped into Jungkook. -

- Alex? - Jungkook asked, and Garrett stared at him over her head.

- Precisely. So... - He looked back down at her. - My apologies, I'll be going now. I hope we'll spend more time together later. - He gave her one last smile, then looked at Jungkook and nodded goodbye for then to turn around and leave in a sprint.

Emily turned to look at Jungkook.

- What a fine young gentleman. - She said, trying to sound natural while she held her breath and then tried to walk back to where she was seated. - Very polite and... his smile was--

- He has a girlfriend. - She stopped her pacing and looked at Jungkook with a frozen smile. - Thought you ought to know. - He shrugged and turned around to take his bag.

- I didn't need to know that, I was just thinking that he was a gentleman, that's all. - There was a pause where she sat down and Jungkook positioned himself in between the nightstands with his back to the wall, facing the open door on the other side of the room while Leo and Emily were with their backs against the side of the beds, the three of them forming a triangle.

It was all quiet until Emily sighed greatly.

- Let it go, Em. - Jungkook said while he opened his laptop and turned it on.

- Let go of what? I don't have anything to let go of. Why do you think I do? - She said, defensively.

Jungkook sighed this time, looking at his screen.

- Let's just skip past this and talk about something else, I don't want you overthinking anything. - He said in an undertone, thinking that it could've been a good idea to ask Garrett for help with the things he was missing since he couldn't ask Jimin for help now.

- ...Alright. - She muttered tensely and went back to her laptop.

Jungkook looked at her, it was like she was biting her tongue and holding in a breath, she looked really upset. Then he looked to the other side at Leo. His eyes were still looking at that one spot while he looked preoccupied with his thoughts.

Jungkook frowned and closed his laptop.

- Ok, what's going on? - He asked, completely done with his whole tension. With a frown, he left his laptop to the side and stared at his friends in turn. They looked at him like they couldn't understand. So he started. - Why the silence? What's on your mind? - He said to both of them, stopping more intently on Leo.

- We're just studying. - Emily said simply. - And you said to stop that last conversation, so... - She frowned at him now, confused.

He took a deep breath.

- I wasn't only talking about right now. - Leo straightened up. Jungkook sighed, he wanted to take this slowly, so he erased the frown from his face. - I know I haven't been that present these past few days, what happened with you? Have you made any new friends? - He looked at Leo. - Have you got in trouble? - He looked at Emily and shrugged. - Just about anything, tell me what I've missed. -

Emily took a deep breath as she thought.

- Well, I haven't really made any new friends. My classes seemed alright, I like everything the teachers have said we're going to be learning and... aside from that, nothing else. Really, not much can happen in just a week, Kooky. - She chuckled and shrugged.

If only she knew. If only she knew what could happen in just a day. If only she knew what could happen in just an hour. But only Jungkook knew. And that's when he realized that it's not only them who've been quiet, it's been him as well.

Trying to suppress guilt, he turned to Leo.

- What about you, Leon? -

Leo got a little startled even if he had been staring straight at Jungkook. Again, up on his thoughts.

- Ummm... - His frown deepened and he looked away for some answers. - Everything alright. - He said as he nodded and then went back to his screen. Only then did Emily realize Leo wasn't alright.

- Leo... what's on your mind that's got you so tense? - She left her laptop on the floor and paid much more attention to him.

Leo wasn't grateful for it it seems, not in the way he sighed tensely as he looked at his screen.

- Nothing, I'm just reading. -

It's obvious it isn't "nothing", it was painfully obvious. But Emily, frowning with concern and complete disbelief, simply muttered...

- Ok. - And then grabbed her laptop again like nothing. Like his friend wasn't right there looking like his brain was about to explode, looking in pain with the number of thoughts he had that he couldn't think through as fast as they came. Her friend was right in front of her looking like he obviously needed some help, but she's just going to take his word for it that it was nothing and move on because that's what they were taught, that men suffer alone, that men are strong and they don't need help, that women can only be a support to some extent but men battle alone. It was in their DNA, that men fight alone and women let them. And that was the whole fucking problem.

- For fuck sake. - Jungkook muttered as he rubbed the heels of his hands against his eyes. That was the whole fucking problem, the way they were all brought up was messed up, that's why everything was so messed up right now.

He wasn't mad at her, not really, he was actually more mad at the fact that she was taught to be this person with these beliefs because it was all wrong. They thought he was wrong when in reality they were the wrong ones. That stupid belief that men should be strong was the reason Evans' kid is no more, the reason Jimin is locked up in the bathroom, the reason Jungkook felt like scratching his skin every time he needed love. The stupid belief that men should be creatures of reason is why none of them know how to love.

Jungkook's breathing hitched in his throat at that last revelation.

- What is it, Kookie? - She asked with concern in her voice.

Jungkook slowly looked at her.

- Nothing. -

She looked taken aback.

- Ok. - That's all she muttered and then she went back to her screen.

Jungkook was mad at her now. Couldn't she be more persistent? If she stops at the first rejections then the other person will just feel like they do not matter. And she intends to be a psychologist?

- Really? "Ok"? - She looked back at him, worried and confused. - I am in clear distress right now, but I just say "nothing" and that's it? You won't try again? Dig deeper? Look for answers? No? Nothing? You'll just say "ok" and move on? - As he spoke, she slowly left her laptop on the floor.

- Kooky... do you want to hug me? - She said, uncertain, and he frowned in disbelief.

Not only did she think a hug would shut him up, she wasn't even paying attention to his words, she was only looking at the way he was talking and thought of nothing but the only things women were taught to do, "Give them some physical love and they will calm down". Really?

- A hug is not the answer to everything. - He muttered and closed his eyes again as he placed his hands flat on the floor in front of him, head down. - What if I need to talk about something? - He looked up to see her shaking her head slowly.

- You can always tell us, but... what...? - He grimaced.

- "You can always tell us, but we won't help you with anything because, as a man, you should be able to fight on your own and conquer" am I right? -

- Jungkook. - Leo spoke this time, and Jungkook looked up at him immediately. His eyes were looking straight at him, connecting to him, concerned with him on a deeper level than ever before.

Jungkook frowned. What had happened to his careless friend?

- You... you don't... - It looked like he wanted to say something but the words wouldn't come out.

- "You don't" what? - Jungkook asked, but it was Emily who answered.

- You don't need to look at it that way. Maybe that sounds a little too harsh, but look at it this way: Once you conquer by yourself, you'll be stronger, right? Because if you get help then you would be relying on others and that way you wouldn't learn, you see? - She was smiling and speaking gently, trying to reassure him with the words that had made him feel like he was a monster before for needed help when he "shouldn't be" needing help. Jungkook just stared at her in disbelief, a ball forming in his throat as he heard her with new ears and realized that... she... could've been the reason why...

- Emily... What if I need help? - He said in such a tired and agonized voice it even scared him. He looked down at the floor and thought of what he had been thinking the previous night on that clearing before Taehyung came and saved him from himself. - What if I have to talk about something? What if I need to be comforted? What if I needed a hug because I felt hurt by something and not just because I needed to feel someone else's skin? What if I'm not strong enough to face whatever I'm facing and I need people by my side? -

- We are by your side. - She said, and he felt her getting to her knees, desperate now.

- No, you're not, Em. You are my friend and love me so you want me strong and the only way you know a man gets strong is by surviving pain, that's what we've been taught. But Emily, - He looked up at her. - you know I'm not fucking strong. - She froze. - I got severe depression because I moved away and left my friends behind, what part of that is strong to you? -

- You survived. - She tried. - You conquered. -

- Only because our parents agreed on letting you come to meet me. I only got better when I had you two again. - He tried to make her see. - I always needed you, I always needed your hugs. I used to count down the days before I could see you again just so I could finally receive a hug from somebody. I used to cry whenever you went away again. Do you remember the "asthma"? Those were actually panic attacks. And do you know exactly why I started to fight at school? It was just so I could feel something because physical pain was way better than nothing. - He finished with his heart in his throat and shaking his head. - Would you call me a conqueror? Just because I smile and say everything's alright doesn't mean it's true. If I'm crying right in your face and still say that nothing's wrong, that's not so you could leave me to suffer alone, that's a cry for help, to see if you're actually there for me, to see if you actually care. - The pain in his throat was such that he stood up to breathe properly.

- Jungkook, mate... - Leo got up fast right after Jungkook, he looked a little frantic now, the previous frown still on his forehead. - You don't... you don't need to be... - The words, the words got cut in his throat.

Jungkook knew what he wanted to say, but he knew Leo wasn't ready to say those words yet, so he just nodded.

- Kooky. - Emily got up as well and rapidly hugged him around his torso. - Kooky, just... you can talk, really, please just... I just didn't know what to... - She wasn't ready either.

Jungkook's stare fell to the floor in disappointment.

- What's the difference between me and Jimin? - Asked Jungkook in a dull voice. Neither answered. - The difference is that I wait to be alone to have a breakdown. Don't be surprised if it's me who's locked in the bathroom next. - She gasped and stepped away, horrified. - So you do get it. - Jungkook frowned at her. - I just want you to understand why that view of the strong man is so toxic. If you don't believe me, check the suicide rates. - He shrugged, and she placed her hands over her mouth as she took another step back, even Leo hissed. Yes, he just said a forbidden word like it was nothing. - I'm just trying to make you think about it, not only because of me but because Leo looked like he clearly needed help with some thoughts and you just turned away when he said it was nothing. What if it hadn't been "nothing"? -

The moment she started crying, it felt like he came back to the forefront of his mind. What had he done? What had he said? Why was he so angry at her? Now he was only mad at himself for having spat all those secrets at her like they were knives. Like she was supposed to know what had been happening to him when in reality how could she when he had kept it all to himself?

Yes, he was angry at her. No, he was angry at himself. Yes, he was angry at the world. No, he was angry at his parents. Yes, he should've told them these secrets sooner. No... he shouldn't have.

What is wrong with him?

- E-Em, don't–... - She hastily knelt and started packing her things. This wasn't at all what he wanted. - Em, please, don't, we have to talk about this, you can't just leave like that, let me–

- No. - She hastily stood up again and walked towards the door. - I just–... Let me think, alright? I'm sorry, I just... - She didn't finish, she just put a hand over her mouth and walked off. Jungkook watched her retrieving back with a frown and a ball in his throat as he hugged himself around the middle.

- This needed to be a longer conversation. - He muttered to himself in disappointment.

- So... you made her cry, huh? -

Tom paced slowly into his line of vision at the other side of the door. He had taken the other corridor instead of the one right in front. He was so happy to know that Jimin's help had come that he actually sighed in relief when he spoke.

- That's none of your business. - Tom saw his relief and his mocking grin changed to one of slight pain as he stared off and cleared his throat.

- So... I'm here. - He said, unnecessarily as he clapped his hands together and entered the room with his bag over his shoulder. - Hey there, big buy. - He greeted Leo who was behind Jungkook. Leo didn't answer, and Tom walked towards the bathroom door without another word. He looked uncomfortable, maybe regretful, and Jungkook didn't know what to think of it.

Jungkook's guilt grew by the second, so he turned around, rounded Leo, and went to put his things in his bag again.

- What are you doing? - Leo asked silently behind him. Jungkook's eyebrows knitted on his forehead, he swallowed and then stood up with his bag on his shoulder.

- I'm going to Taehyung. - He tried to go past him but Leo grabbed him by the forearm. This was so unlike him that Jungkook didn't even try to shake him off. With wide eyes, he looked at Leo, and he was frowning at the floor.

- I can't let you go right after you said all of this. - He muttered. Yes, something had happened to Leo.

- Leo, what happened to you? -

Leo's frown twitched.

- ...Nothing. -

- No. - Jungkook said so firmly that Leo looked up at him. - Tell me, please, because you haven't been acting like yourself and I don't know whether you need my help or not so please, tell me right now. - He looked at him with desperate determination, and Leo looked speechless and kind of confused, but not because of Jungkook. As he shook his head slowly and looked away, Jungkook waited patiently for his answer.

- I... don't. - He muttered.

- Leo–

- I really don't, Jungkook. - He looked up at him again, and he was being honest. His eyes looked apologetic somehow like he regretted not having asked Jungkook before. Jungkook took a step to the side to face him better.

- Is Finn helping you? - Leo's breath hitched and he got tensed as he let go of Jungkook's arm. - Leo, I'm not accusing you of anything, I just want to know if you have someone you trust enough to talk to them about everything. -

Leo looked away then, the frown from before reemerging more forcefully this time.

- I don't need--

- Cut that out. - Leo and Jungkook looked at the door. It was Finn, looking sort of weak and pale as he leaned on the doorframe, and yet his stare was strong as he looked straight at Leo. Jungkook looked back at him and saw that he forgot what they were even talking about. He was staring worriedly at Finn.

Jungkook took a deep breath.

- I'll be going now. - Leo looked back at him as he stepped to the door. - I'll be spending the whole day out and about so... see you at night, like always. - He tried to get out past Finn but Leo grabbed his shoulder and turned him around forcefully.

- Why? - Jungkook was about to give him an excuse when Leo asked again. - Why didn't you come to me? -

Jungkook understood then. Leo knew Taehyung was the person he could talk about anything with.

- Because you weren't insistent, Leo. - Leo looked taken aback. - It didn't matter how I looked, if I told you I was alright, you would just let it slide. - He shrugged. - I needed that persistence, I needed that shout right in the face, I needed for someone else to tell me it was alright if I didn't feel alright, and you never did it, you were always smiling right in front of me, so what kind of man am I if I can't be as manly as my best friend. Admittedly... I wasn't insistent either. - His voice got sad as he stared regretfully at Leo. And he slowly shook his head.

- What would've happened to you if no one ever tried harder? - Leo muttered under his breath, a visible pain in his throat. Pain in his eyes.

Jungkook just stared at him and swallowed.

- I'm sorry. -

Leo gasped silently. Because they both knew that apology would've never been said or heard... because he wouldn't even be here to deliver it.

- I am not going to let you out of my sight. - He said determinedly, but Jungkook shook his head slowly.

- I made plans for today. We'll see later. - He dropped his head and walked out the door, noticing as he did so that Finn was holding on for dear life to the doorframe.

Leo watched his retrieving back with so much guilt in his chest. Guilt for what would've happened because he hadn't tried harder to be there for him.

His head fell slowly to the floor.

His feelings and thoughts had been completely out of their usual place since he woke up. He had a very weird dream, he doesn't remember what it had been but when he woke up all he could remember was the color green and a warm feeling in his chest. Then he went to Finn right after he had been woken up by his roommate, and right when he saw those sleepy eyes, the feeling of warmth came again. It was so bizarre. He had been feeling so out of it, so weird, so out of character, and it was so unnerving.

- Leo. - Finn called him silently, and Leo looked up. He looked terrible, but still, those eyes never wavered. - ...Let's go take a walk. - It looked more like a request than a command, yet still, Leo blinked rapidly and knelt to put his things back in his bag. - Do you still have things to do? -

- Umm... No, I... I already-- I read it in class, I was-- I wanted to... - He was muttering incoherently. He stopped as he put his bag over his shoulder, closed his eyes, and took a very deep breath. But, when he opened them again, he felt like everything was too close to his face, like everything was too bright or too much. He felt overwhelmed. - Can we go to your room first? - He asked Finn as he stared at Jungkook's wall of paintings. To think he was almost the reason this art wouldn't be here.

- Yes, of course. - Finn answered, and that's all he needed to start walking hastily, out the door and towards the corridor to the right.

He didn't stop walking, this corridor seemed too small all of a sudden, he felt like he was being watched and, worst of all, he felt like a criminal somehow, like he should be running, like he had done something terrible, not only with Jungkook but... last night... that dream.

Leo shook his head and turned right once more. His chest felt constricted, his stomach was hurting, and he couldn't exhale. He turned right again and sprinted towards the last door, the light coming from the windows to his left was dazzling, he felt like he was put on the spot, like he should've done more, like he should've done better. Once on that last door, he stooped. He didn't have the key.

Leo tried to breathe properly but he felt trapped, he turned around and looked out the window. Surely a view like this could–... But the sky was too gray for comfort, and the breeze was too cold, so cold, unbearably cold. He wrapped his arms around himself. Even if he was wearing a jacket, he felt cold.

It came from the inside.

Then he heard keys behind him and a door opening up, so he turned around. Finn had walked inside his room and left the door open for him. So, Leo walked in slowly, feeling like somehow he was leaving his tension behind. So strange.

He got in, slowly closed the door, and locked it. Finn was seated on his bed, elbows to his knees, hands over his face. And Leo couldn't think of himself when he saw this usually defiant and strong person looking so in pain.

- What is it? -

They both asked at the same time. Finn chuckled tiredly, and Leo sat down beside him, leaving some space in the middle.

- Finn. - Leo called him gently. And, after that, he frowned to himself.

- Yes? -

The frown disappeared when he heard him speaking just as gently. Still with his face in his hands.

- Could you tell me... why you ran away this morning? - He rested his elbows on his knees and folded his hands as he stared preoccupied at him.

Finn sighed greatly.

- For the same reason you ran away just now. Guilt. -

Leo got slightly startled at this. Because it had been guilt. But he hadn't realized it.

Finn knows him too well, much better than he thought anybody could understand someone else in just a week, and that was somewhat scary. Leo looked unseeingly in front of him and thought, and thought, and thought.

Gilt, strangeness, guilt, fear, guilt, cold.

- Leo, stop it. - Leo's thoughts got cut and he looked at Finn again. Finn let his hands fall and looked him in the eyes. He looked so tired. - Stop thinking so much, will you? Speak, talk, say it out loud, don't let it eat you up from the inside. Let me help you. - His voice dropped to a whisper at the end and he hid his face in his hands again. He looked so in pain that even Leo was in pain. - Please talk to me, please. I don't want to be afraid whenever you're silent, I don't want you to be the next one to lock himself in the bathroom, please... - He was in so much pain it was unbearable to watch without doing anything, but Leo had absolutely no idea what to do, his hands outstretched on their own accord just like they had done before but, just like that last time, he had no idea what exactly it was that he wanted to do with them.

- Finn, I... - Slowly and painfully, he retrieved his hands. - I promise you I won't ever--

- You can't. - Finn let his hands fall and looked in front of him out the window. - You can't promise me you won't get tired of it all. You can say the words, but it'll mean nothing because I know... - His eyes filled with angry tears. - I know that if ever the day came where I'd be kneeling beside you as you took your last breaths, I will say that you promised me, and you will say "I tried". Because that's all you could do, to try, and not everyone succeeds so, please, for everything you hold dearly, do not promise me anything. - A tear fell from his eye, his voice never wavered, his pain so harsh it hurt Leo like a knife.

Those eyes should never be sad.

- Finn... Please tell me what to say to make you feel better. - He was so desperate, to help at least one person, to help him, he wanted to help him so desperately, he wanted him to feel better so much that his chest ached. And he couldn't understand why.

- I just want you to let me help you. - Finn said softly as he dried his tears. - Just talk to me. - He looked at Leo and frowned. - Tell me everything that's on your chest. -

Leo couldn't stand it anymore, he doubled over in pain.

- Pain, pain, my chest is in pain, my throat hurts, my head's throbbing, I haven't been able to think properly since this morning, I'm acting so unlike me that it's scaring me, I don't know why I'm thinking some things or saying some things or acting some ways--... I--... I'm--... - His breathing was fast and shallow. He felt bare, unprotected, afraid. He felt like a child. - I want to cry. -

- Cry then. - Finn told him, and it was all it took. He hid his face in his knees and sobbed. - Tell me why you're crying. - He couldn't concentrate on much aside from his own feelings.

- I'm scared... I'm scared of what they made of me, I'm scared that being brought up to be a proper man might hurt me way worse than it already had, I'm scared of what Jungkook just said, I'm scared I might be the reason... Because I wasn't there when he needed me, I'm scared Emily might leave because I'm not as strong as she thinks I am. I'm scared to see my parents again and they somehow find out I haven't been as strong as they wanted me to be, I'm scared... I'm scared to be vulnerable because I have never been so I don't know if I should, or what to do, or what not to do, or where to do it... I don't know... I'm scared of not knowing... I'm scared of not knowing what's going on with me... What's going on with me?... -

He had never been unable to stop sobbing, however, he had no control now. Saying all those things out loud made it all so real that he couldn't ignore them anymore, so he cried.

Because everything he just said was true and he didn't want them to be, he was in pain.

- It's alright to feel overwhelmed. - Finn's voice felt like a caress on his cheek even if he was still away. His words made him swallow a new sob. - It's alright to be afraid. You don't have to be strong if you don't want to. - Leo was able to take in a deep breath as tears kept on falling. - Cry all you want to, all you need to, it's alright to cry, to let go of those tears. Cry them out before they drown you, Leo. Being strong shouldn't mean that you don't feel pain, being strong is knowing you're in pain and seeking a way to handle it healthily, and there's no healthier way to handle your feelings than to say them out loud to someone you trust, and cry with them, and let yourself be held if you need to. It's alright. You're alright, Leo. So, cry. -

As slowly as Finn spoke, he was able to breathe better. He cried all he needed to and then, little by little, the tears subsided; little by little, the lump in his throat and the pain in his stomach that was stopping him from breathing, eased, letting him slowly straighten up from his bend over position.

Once he was propping himself up with his elbows on his knees, he looked blurrily at the floor and thought out loud.

- It's alright... It's alright to feel. - He looked at his hands, looked at his feet, and looked up and out the window.

- Of course, it is. You're only human, let yourself feel however you feel. -

Leo took in a deep breath, and then again, and again, and felt the cold air getting in and warming up inside him. Some drops fell from his eyes but no pain was in his throat. He straightened up with his hands on his knees and looked at how the leaves of the trees flowed with the wind, and he could feel as light as them. Some unknown tension has left him. Something has left his chest, something has changed. But he smiled softly.

- I still don't know what's going on with me. Why I'm acting or feeling so strange. - Again he thought out loud, almost frowning again.

- It's because you're letting yourself feel for the first time. You're letting yourself be vulnerable with someone else. Of course, it's scary and overwhelming, but that's fine. It'll pass. You'll feel better about it the more you talk and the more you feel. -

Leo breathed in again and his eyebrows went up in the middle. He wanted to cry again, so he did. As he stared out into the gray sky, he cried.

Because he was grateful.

- Thank you. - He whispered as the tears fell silently.

He felt grateful. Because it was true, he did feel better talking about his feelings, he did feel safe when he talked to someone he trusted, he did feel relief and in a way he felt... free. Because Finn says everything he needs to hear and everything he says is true. Finn lets him open up– No, Finn wants him to open up because he knows what could happen if he doesn't and he doesn't want that to happen to him. If only he could've been like Finn when Jungkook had needed him then they would need no one else but the other, however now he can only hope Taehyung was as good as Finn. But he doubts it. No one could be like him.

Leo took another deep breath as he closed his eyes and dried his face before he turned to look at him. Finn was looking at him with a gentle smile on his face, his eyes looked relieved and sad at the same time. Emotional.

Without really thinking about it and just feeling like he wanted to do it, Leo moved over a bit closer, feeling worried. Finn's breath got cut in his throat and he looked away.

- Now, you tell me what's on your mind. - Leo said as gently as Finn had done to him before.

Finn swallowed and blinked, still looking away.

- What? - He looked genuinely confused.

- You didn't think I would just not be there for you as well, did you? -

Finn looked at him and the full force of his eyes caught him off guard for a moment.

They were clearer today, the green was a little lighter, some specs of yellow and some that were usually darker looked honey-colored today. When he looked at them he could only think of... lying on the ground by the base of a tree and looking at the sunrays getting in through the leaves... wow– Wait, his mouth's moving.

- I'm sorry, what? -

Finn stopped talking and chuckled in disbelief. Leo smiled at the sight and tone. He had a really good smile, his teeth all white, his eyes half-closed... his joy...

- Nothing really, I was just saying that... That no one's ever really... So, it just caught me off guard when you said you'll be there as well. -

Leo frowned, smile gone.

- What? Why? -

Finn looked up out the window.

- Because I was there for them so they perhaps thought that I could be there for myself since I had "all the answers". I don't know. I don't actually have all the answers, if I'm being honest with you, I find it kind of hard to follow my own advice. First thing I ever say to someone else is "Say it, talk to me" but then I will never say what's going on with me, you know? I think I had just come to terms with the idea that I had to be strong for them without ever stopping to think that I was doing exactly what I was trying to tell them not to do. - He nodded, disappointed in himself. Leo panicked somewhat.

- I'm crap at giving advice and helping others. - How bizarre it was to be able to speak his mind. Finn looked at him with a chuckle. - I'm saying this because... - He looked down to find the right answer. - Because I feel like... I mean I want to--... give you--... But I–... - He grunted and closed his hands into fists. It was maddening not to be able to speak, he hated that shit just like Jungkook.

- Hey, breathe deeply. - Finn said very gently. He just did it, he followed his instructions without giving them a second thought. - Good. Now breathe in, and when you breathe out you're going to let go of all the tension in your body. - And he did it, he did it slowly and softly just like his voice in his ears so that once he opened his eyes again he felt as light as a feather again. - That's it. Do you feel better? -

Leo turned to look at him and half smiled in agreement. Then he turned to the side, placing his knee on the bed so he could be facing Finn, and spoke to his own hands.

- You're so good at helping me, you know exactly what to say and how to say it. You know me so well that it's so crazy it's been only a week so I got frustrated when I realized that I was actually very bad at helping because I wanted to be as good to you as you are to me and I don't know if I'm able to. It angers me. -

- Leo. - Leo looked up and stared right at Finn's gentle eyes and soft smile. - Just the fact that you want to be there for me is enough to help me. -

Leo's eyebrows knitted in the middle, and then he smiled, feeling a warmth in his chest that glowed like rays of sunshine through the green leaves of a tall tree.     

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