Amare

Love

Minutes went by and Jungkook was still lying limp on the floor with a bulge. He laughed at himself and then tried to get his mind moving, he still had to go to lunch. He started thinking of ways to get rid of this boner without the relief and came up with this: If erections happen because blood concentrates in that particular place, he'll just have to keep the blood pumping elsewhere.

He rolled over on the floor and started to do push-ups. He was in his second one when he noticed the book Taehyung had been reading, right where he left it. He smiled with endearment and kept going. This was the second time he forgot to place the book back where it should go.

Thinking that calming down would be quicker if he stopped thinking about Taehyung, he focused instead on the University.

Classes had been good so far, he had met four teachers: Professor Taehyung, Professor Benjamin (the class where he meet Garret), Professor Mcmillan (that first class he had today that started at seven o'clock sharp), and Professor Hofman (from Love and Sex). He should have met eight teachers but he had been absent from three classes so far and the other one he didn't know about was that class he had on Monday after he had jumped out of Taehyung's classroom window. He had been more concerned about his thoughts than the class itself.

After a good thirty pushups, he stopped and kneeled on the floor. He felt better, more alert than before, and his pants were less tight so it must've worked. His previous train of thought came back to him and he sat there, looking at the floor. He had missed four classes, and they might not be important for the grade or "real classes" as Leo had said but it was still his first week and he was missing classes and hiding in corners.

The strange thing was that he wasn't complaining, he didn't care that it was happening, it felt strange how little he cared about something that had been a goal of his for four years. Since he was sixteen, all his good work was to get to this University. Admittedly, it wasn't because of the classes or the teachers or the opportunities it gave once he graduated, but it had been a goal of his. He chuckled to himself as he remembered the sole reason why he wanted to study here.

It was because it was beautiful. It had been preserved for hundreds of years, it had a massive history, and all the buildings were widely spread but still connected in a very precise way for a spiritual or smart reason. Everything was kept beautifully clean or organized including the hundreds of different gardens and statues of all the important students that made a good change in the world thanks to Evanthe's teaching or a person that was important to Evanthe like the twelve founders or their wives, and some of their children.

Its history and art were what seemed beautiful to him. He doesn't even have a concrete idea of what he will do once he graduates.

The thing about his love for philosophy is that it teaches him about the world he lived in a deeper way than the factual. He felt grateful to philosophy for teaching him logic and history, but he didn't feel passionate about it. He liked the feeling of superiority that knowledge gave him in important situations and find arguments with other learned people to be an art he hadn't been able to experience fully. But to do that for the rest of his life? It had been either choosing an academic path and confusing his family or choosing an artistic one and having their expectations breathing down his neck. He chose the path that benefited him in the short term because he couldn't see anything further than that.

He came here to experience beauty daily, that's why he wasn't anxious about missing classes. He was experiencing the beauty of a free life with Taehyung.

He sat down with his back against the bookshelf and grabbed the book Taehyung had left behind. "The Wolf and the Dove, by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss."...He will risk life itself to nurture with tender passion a glorious union born in the blistering heat of hatred and war.

He remembered how they met and how they had looked at each other like they had been blind men looking at the sun for the first time; how they had been happy to be with each other at the meadow that first night and how free it felt to be with him; how happy he had felt that first morning just by thinking of him; how deep they were looking at each other's eyes, or how soft they were talking, how meaningful were their words and how much they wanted to know the other since the beginning. How Taehyung had been so worried about him that it showed even if he was trying to conceal it behind the cold teacher persona. How he had cleaned his wounds.

Since the beginning, Taehyung had started to clean his wounds one by one, starting with his sense of freedom and now continuing with his physical self-love, the acceptance of his own touch and it was all thanks to him. Taehyung was everything he wanted and he had said it to him, they had both told the other how important they were in each other's lives, how much they cared for each other, and how badly they wanted to keep the other forever. Taehyung even said that he wanted to show him his kids and where he was born. What madness.

Time was nothing to them. Three days, three years, who cares? The only thing that matters is that it's real, and he knows it in the way Taehyung's eyes shine. Knowing that he will have Taehyung forever filled him with happiness even if he had no idea how they will achieve that to the fullest. But he didn't care at the moment.

Gabbing the book more securely in his hands, he stood up and went to grab his bag. And with his book and Taehyung's along with his bag, he started to make his way out of the shelves.

For the first time, he took his time to look around at the titles of the books. But there was nothing but volumes of tedious subjects that could better be found in any other smaller book. The ones in the back where they were hidden were the least used, and he noticed that because when he got out of the bookshelves he saw the book titles had to do with literature but were much more important than the encyclopedias.

As he turned around, he went to the railing and leaned against it for a while just to look around the library. To think that this was the second biggest library in the world, only topped by the Library of Congress in the USA. How big would that one be if this one is already so massive?

Jungkook looked around and around at the books, the tables, and the people and thought to himself: How much knowledge could one person take in all his life without reading any book but having the internet? Could it be more knowledge because of how easy it was to just ask a specific question and have an answer right away without having to read a whole book? Or, could it be less knowledge because of how easy it was to be answered immediately, therefore not learning anything about the subject but just knowing the answer to that one question?

He had respect for books and the people who read them, there was a sense of wisdom in preferring to read a book and use one's imagination than to let another person's imagination do it for them in the form of a TV series or movies. There's a power in imagination that no green screen could provide, but there was also the knowledge in some books that could only be made interesting by taking them out of the pages, he understands that and therefore never argues against the use of the internet in that aspect but just about the way it tends to make people dependable in it. How will people learn to retain information if they only need one phone to do it for them? But then, how will people have the ability to grow and expand if they don't have the internet?

It's a thing that goes hand in hand, he had always thought so. But, he doesn't use the internet to pass the time, he prefers to paint or write or just people-watch while he listens to soft, instrumental music.

He turned and went for the stairs. He wonders what type of music Taehyung liked, if he ever played an instrument, or if he would like to. There are so many things that he didn't know about him and he was so excited to know them all, to know him in his entirety. Taehyung had asked him what would happen if he found something he didn't like but, as he had said, that would be unlikely and, even if he did, he would never leave.

Taehyung was so endearing and good to the bone. There was just goodness coming from his roots, from his family, and himself, if there was something bad about him, it couldn't be anything too serious, and even so, he felt too excited to know about all the flaws Taehyung thinks he has. He wants to know all about him, the good, the bad, the ugly... and the dirty. He shook his head in disbelief at himself while he went to the librarian's desk.

- Hi. - He greeted the Librarian and she looked up with a smile.

- Hello, deer. What can I do for you? - She looked like she remembered him.

Jungkook smiled.

- I found this book lying around upstairs. Where's its place? - Jungkook showed Taehyung's book to her and she took it.

- This one goes on "Literature", - She pointed to the biggest section of them all were a floor above was the well-hidden encyclopedias. - then you'll find the "Fantasie" section in which you'll look for "Romance" and then the seventeenth-century aisle. It's on the back. - She smiled and gave the book back to him. - I think you'll be able to find Jony in there if he hadn't finished helping that Professor already. -

- Thank you. - Jungkook took the book and went to the Literature section, glad that he could greet Namjoon.

There were a fair amount of people in the library by now but everyone was in their own thing. He stood in front of the tall bookshelves and looked up at their names, walking further and further to the side until he found romance, and he went in.

He looked at the side of every bookshelf, going further in until he found the seventeenth-century one, but then he stopped before rounding the corner to enter.

Laughter was coming from there, a man's laugh, but, it was little and trying to be silent, it even sounded shy. But there were two laughs. Two men trying to stifle their laughter?

- Shhh, Stop it. - One of the two said, rather shyly, and Jungkook's body froze in place.

That had been Namjoon.

- I'm not doing anything. - A lazy, low voice with an audible grin answered.

Jungkook's body was still frozen in place with horror, it sounded just like himself and Taehyung.

- H-hey, anybody could find us... - Oh no, the out-of-breath stuttering on the brink of surrender. He had to do something or else any other person with terrible intentions could show up and... He had to do something, he had to help them, he had to wake them up.

Horrified, he looked around to make sure the place was deserted, but he knew the library had people at this hour and everybody came to the literature section. He had to do something fast. A soft kiss sounded from behind the bookshelf. OH NO, he had to stop them now. And then, finally, an idea struck him.

He went to the bookshelf some pacess away and grabbed the big books that were on the upper shelves, letting them fall noisily.

- Ugh. - Jungkook exclaimed in exasperation just loud enough for them to hear and knelt, leaving his books on the floor to slowly pick up the fallen ones.

Right when he finished putting the books back in their place, he took some seconds to look around before grabbing his books and going back to that bookshelf. He could hear nothing coming from the other side, and, as he walked with tiny steps to round the corner he could only hope they hadn't been waiting for him to go away.

But there was no one there. Maybe they had run the other way, but he was sure that Namjoon was with another man–...

Namjoon with a man... Namjoon... A man... He just heard a man with another man, he heard them giggling and he was sure he even heard a kiss. His mind was going ballistic again, but he stopped it, he was stronger, he woke up this morning in full control of his life, no rules controlled him but the ones he chooses to follow. And with his head in place and focusing only on leaving Taehyung's book, he kept a cold mind about the whole situation.

He was waiting, as he walked to the philosophy section to leave his book, he was waiting. Waiting for the opportunity he could sit down to think about this and talk it out with himself. Because all he could hear were warnings.

While he walked to the door leading to the garden in between the library and the cafeteria, he thought that maybe they had run away through one of the trap doors Namjoon told him about. He didn't see one but maybe they weren't in plain sight.

He checked the clock on the wall and noticed how it was a quarter past two and didn't know if he should get his own food or... his friends couldn't be up there now, could they? Taking his phone out of his bag he noticed the abundant amount of notifications from his friends and knew that he was fucked up. In summary, they were upstairs at that moment with his tray, waiting for him.

Walking up those stairs felt, oddly, like getting close to danger. But he chuckled to himself in disbelief. They were his friends, nothing too bad could happen... Right? He found himself wishing to still be with Taehyung as he apologized mentally to his friends for the lies he knew he'll have to tell them.

Once he arrived at the third floor and looked to their corner, his stomach knotted. But then it intensified when Finn saw him, catching the attention of his friends and making them look around at him too, frowning. He stopped walking, looked at the ceiling, and took a deep breath before finishing his walk to the gutter.

- Hello, my beautiful friends that I love, have I told you how much I love you lately? Because I do. Veeeeeery much. -

Leo looked like he could be peeing his pants, keeping in his laughter and trying to look as serious as Emily.

- Me too. - Said Emily, looking seriously up at him. - Sit down. - She motioned for him to sit in his place and he did so, feeling a little better knowing how his friends weren't really disappointed. Emily seemed to have placed her empty plate on top of his own to contain the warmth of his food and he smiled softly while he took it off to reveal his pasta.

- SO... - Leo started, loudly, coughing dramatically for Jungkook to look at him. So he did with a grin. - This morning...? -

Jungkook shrugged.

- It was a good morning, - He kept grinning down at his food. - I had History of the nineteenth century and then Philosophy of Love. -

- Oh... you had a little love class, didn't you? - Leo laughed.

Jungkook dropped his fork on his plate and hid his face while he laughed as well.

- This isn't a joke, Leo - Emily said exasperated beside Jungkook and nudged Jungkook to look at her. When he did, he saw that she was truthfully displeased about something. - I want to know what happened this morning, Jungkook. - She said demandingly and Jungkook lifted his eyebrows.

- Well, if you really wanna know... I think I made a new friend, his name's Garrett and he's pretty nice and easy to talk to. And I really liked History of the nineteenth century, we'll talk about Nietzsche--

- As much as I want to know how your day went, how happy I am that you're enjoying your classes, and how lovely it is that you found a new friend, you very well know that I wasn't talking about that when I asked about this morning. - Emily said, her voice was low and soft, but Jungkook knows the softer her voice gets with that serious stare, the angrier she is. - Who were you with when I called you? -

- Why are you so serious about it? - Jungkook asked and then went on to take the first big bite so he wouldn't have to talk for a while, and because he was indeed hungry.

- Yeah, Em. Why so serious? - Asked Leo while slumping on his chair. - He knows what's right and wrong, he's finally out of his parent's house, let the boy make some mistakes if he has to, he'll learn eventually. Hey, are you gonna eat your bread? - He asked Jungkook, and he shook his head with a little, grateful smile, letting Leo eat it.

- I know that he's smart and can take care of himself. - She crossed her arms over her chest and Jungkook took another big bite. - I'm just... worried, ok? - The three of them looked at her and Jungkook, unable to speak, tilted his head in question. - I'm worried you'll get in trouble or this girl treats you badly or some other terrible thing. You've never been in a relationship before, what if something really bad happens to you? - She said, really worried. But Leo answered for Jungkook.

- Em, broken hearts are part of growing and he..... he has already experienced that. - Leo said to her in the soft voice he only uses for her. He was referring to the time he had depression. - He knows what that's like, he wouldn't get into a doomed relationship on purpose. -

- But how will he know it's a doomed relationship? Everyone is lovely when the relationship starts, and then? - She looked truly worried. Even Finn looked worried.

- How will he know anything if he doesn't risk it a little bit? But, you know what? Let's ask him if this is a relationship or not. Because it could just be a good time and there wouldn't be anything wrong with it. -

- Of course, there's going to be something wrong with it. A "good time"? Are you kidding me? Jungkook isn't that kind of guy, and I wouldn't want him to be that kind of guy. - She said, indignantly.

- I'm not. - Jungkook spoke at last. - I don't really want to talk about it, but just know that everything's fine and that I know what I'm doing. I hope that reassures you. The last thing I want is for you to be constantly worried. - Emily looked at him and then slowly smiled, unfolding her arms to grab his shoulder and then leaning in to rest her forehead against it.

- Whoever she is, I hope she realizes just how lucky she is. -

- Even I say that. - Leo said and they all laughed. Emily leaned back to her chair again and he kept on eating. - Aside from the fact that he can speak like a Romeo. - They all chuckled. - Just think about it, he's a hard worker, intelligent, and will graduate from Evanthe, he will be able to work on anything he wants and provide a lot of money for his family. That girl saw an opportunity and she took it. - Then he laughed.

It was conversations like this that made Jungkook uncomfortable because it's all just talk now, but then when they graduate that terrible future would become his life... or not. Now he saw the "or not" button for the first time. And talking about taking the opportunity at first glance, he had been the one doing that, he found a sense of freedom with Taehyung and he clutched at it with his life.

- Is she a classmate? - Finn asked him, and he had to take some time swallowing before answering, and, while Jungkook took that time, he decided on something fast and easy.

- I won't say. - He shook his head.

- Oooooooh, sooner or later we'll have to meet her, Kook. - Leo laughed and Jungkook just laughed with him then kept eating while they talked about their day.

He was doomed. How many secrets did he have by now? Will he be able to keep them all from going to the light? Will he be able to have Taehyung and his friends at the same time? Why did he tell them it was a serious thing? Then eventually he'll have to tell them they broke it off, he'll have to act broken-hearted and everything. How tiring it was to lie.

Once they were all finished with Jungkook's Panna Cotta dessert it was just in time for Leo's class of three in the afternoon so Leo and Finn went to their class and Jungkook asked Emily if it would be fine for him to go on a walk and paint for a while. She was fine with it and told him she would go see if any of her classmates were in the Study Room to help each other with their notes, so they departed as well.

Jungkook took a path he hadn't gone through before, by the east of the Library. He put his earphones on with some soft cello music and walked slowly, looking around for anything that might alight his interest to paint. But some seconds into doing this he noticed he wanted to paint every single thing so he decided on continuing his walk doing a "u" turn to go to the main garden in front of the library and start there.

While he walked, looked, and listened, he took in the cold woodsy scent that went with the wind, and even if he felt chilly, it wasn't unpleasant. He liked the smell of the trees and nature in this place, he saw how a bee went from flower to flower and some groups of birds were flying fast from one side of the gray sky to the other... like they were getting away from something.

He looked at the sky from where they came from and his feet stopped walking. The sky was very dark from that side. A clear sign of rain.

Rain. Jungkook looked around at the other people doing their thing and tried with all his might not to grin stupidly. It might still not rain, it looks far, it might rain later than eight... But what if it doesn't? What if it rains? Then they'll go to his room. He kept on walking, looking like his brain wasn't about to explode.

There were a lot of things in his mind: This morning with Taehyung, hearing the unmistakable voices of two men being too close to each other, and then the talk with his friends about "the mystery girl". He decided on thinking about what happened at the library once he sits down, and right now thought about how... tiring it was to have to keep this a secret from his friends, and how rude of him to have to lie to them when they told him everything. But then again, they didn't have anything life-or-death to keep secret. If only he was normal...

No, if he was normal then he would've never met Taehyung, and even if that's the whole reason why a part of him still wishes to be normal, the idea of a life without Taehyung, of what his life would've been without the light, the freedom and the happiness that Taehyung brought him, was depressing. His life would've gone on before his eyes and he would just be there in body, working till he dropped, living as nothing and dying as such, but now he had the hope that he will be able to live a happy life. Live in happiness and die as such.

But it will be hard. Yes, it will be hard. Work, family, society... it will be hard but they'll manage it, somehow they'll manage it. Jungkook believes Taehyung's beautiful words, he believes Taehyung's eyes and his caresses, his kisses, and his heart. He trusts and believes him.

Finally, he made his way to the main garden and started to walk around to see where it would be the best view to draw the main entrance to the library. He wanted to capture its varsity so it would be good to paint it at an angle, larger at the bottom and smaller at the top. After a few pacing around, he found the best bench with the best view and sat down criss-cross looking directly at the vast entrance. His bag at one side, phone in his pocket while still listening to music, he peacefully took out his sketchbook with his small pencil case to start the drawing.

Right now was the time he allowed himself to think about what happened at the library.

Namjoon and a man... Two men together just like that... His mind couldn't comprehend something, it was like a circle trying to enter the space of a square, it just couldn't go through. He also couldn't connect Taehyung and himself with the idea of "two men together", even if they were indeed two men together, he couldn't think of it that way. Just Taehyung, and Jungkook. But he couldn't think that way about any other man, it felt uncomfortable to think of any other two men together like they were.

"You... hypocrite. You give side eyes to people just like you. You are the hypocrite, Kooky" Tom. Why was he in his head? Why do those words cut him more every time he thought them? Why did he even care what Tom had to say? But then again, Tom had a point. He was giving side eyes to people just like him. He could fantasize about himself and Taehyung with a smile on his face and they were both men, why does he feel so strange about the thought of any other two men being happy together?

Before he had been in one himself, he never thought clandestine relationships were a thing, and he also never thought two men could be together romantically. He had always been taught that any man feeling attraction to another was a crazy person or a criminal. But now his mind has been a little more open than before. Freer. If they both could be in a romantic relationship, why couldn't others? "Because they're crazy, because it's wrong, because it's unnatural, because--" Ok, maybe he'll need some more time before accepting other men could be like that, but he'll get there eventually.

The coldest rush of wind yet, passed through, making him shiver.

Now onto the other subject. He scratched at the side of his mouth to conceal his shy little grin. If it rains -and it looks like it will- then they'll be in his room. There's nothing wrong with that, he likes Taehyung's apartment, it's really pretty and he knows it will look even better once Taehyung starts putting his touch on it, he also likes the idea of being with Taehyung in a more secluded place, behind a close door, they could talk and talk and he loved that, he loved talking with Taehyung. But then there's the other thing, the thing that has happened twice out of the blue and it makes them both crazy, yes, that thing. But he wanted to think about it more soberly and logically because of how serious it was.

Love and sex are things he had never experienced romantically. He had never experienced sex in any way. And it does feel amazing and he's happy it's happening with Taehyung, but... the experience factor is still a little alarming when Jungkook thinks about it.

Being inexperienced has its ups and downs. One up would be that everything is new so it could feel ten times better and one down would be the nerves. The uncertainty of it didn't scare him much because he knew he was in good hands, if Taehyung hadn't stopped them this morning, he would have cummed for the first time with another person fast on the floor at the back of a library and then he would have been left alone right after the biggest of vulnerabilities had been shared. Yes, he was in good hands. Because Taehyung put his feelings before his desires.

It wasn't the uncertainty of it but the unknown of it. He had no idea how it was supposed to happen, he had no idea how it starts, how it... how, just how, how do two men have sex? He grimaced. How will they have sex? Yes, that sounded nicer.

He knew about normal sex, of course, everyone does, the man is the giver and the woman is the taker. A stick on a hole. Easy. But they were both men, two givers wouldn't work and two sticks serve for nothing more than to sword fight, then what would they do? Rub until they cum? That would still be good, but still. A stick and a hole... a hole... a ho–oh... oh... OH.

Jungkook dropped his pencil and it fell to the floor while he covered his mouth with one hand and looked around the garden. No one was looking, everyone was busy, and no one could read minds. He bent down to pick up his pencil, he looked at it in his hand transfixed, and, as best as he could, lowered his other hand from his mouth to keep on drawing.

You can call him many things, and also stupid. How could he not have realized that sooner? "I'm sitting on it, Tae. I can tell it's a hard problem"? Taehyung's reactions since last night meant that he knew, he knew very well, and still, Jungkook never thought... Ugh.

He chuckled to himself and tried to conceal it. To be fair, Taehyung had said from the beginning how he wanted to take care of him and Jungkook said please do so there was no miscommunication there, that had been pure honesty. Their roles had been chosen before he had even realized it. No, now that he thought about it, he had never really thought about himself being no one's top, he never fantasized with anyone before Taehyung but now that he tried, he couldn't, it made him uncomfortable just thinking about it. But also, the idea of being completely submissive like a girl didn't sound right. But, at the end of the day, he'll never know until he tries it.

Maybe it won't be today but he was sure of one thing: He'll lose his virginity to Taehyung. He grinned. It was so funny to him, funny and nervous, excited and nervous, curious and nervous, just looking at the sky and how that dark cloud was getting ever nearer bringing with it unmistakable rain made a feeling in his stomach grow, between fluttering and acid, he could even say it was sort of what stage fright felt like; like right before a class he knew he had a presentation in and he had to do it on his own because no one wanted to pair up with him.

He was undeniably nervous thinking about it, and it all came down to the same problem: Taking his clothes off. He liked how he looked without clothes, he works hard to get the body he wants. But the standards of his physical beauty weren't that... common. Not to say that it wasn't normal because there were men who did it too. Only, they do it for professional reasons he had not.

He shaves. That's it. That's the secret. That's why he's so scared of taking his clothes off. Down to his toes he's professionally exfoliated, shaved, and hydrated every twice a week by himself since he was sixteen and his perception of male beauty started to change after he saw a ballet performance with his family. Also, paintings at museums showed a handsome youth draped in nothing but a thin bed sheet and clean of hair from the neck down in a beautiful pose. Of course, he wanted to be that beautiful. It just looked better, and frankly, after doing it for some years now, it feels more comfortable to be shaved everywhere.

But that was exactly why he was the most nervous about taking his clothes off, if he was a professional swimmer or ballet dancer, then he would have at least an excuse to shave his body, but not his private area. It got him worried now, thinking of how Taehyung would react if he knew... when he knew.

A drop of water fell beside him on the bench and he froze. Then he saw another fall on the floor at his other side, and, as the third fell on the bush far in front of him, everyone else had already left. Frantically, he started to put everything in his bag, and, just after he had closed it, the dark gray sky immediately poured down thick droplets of water, getting him wet without mercy, and because he was in the middle of the vast main garden, once he got to the corridor and under shelter, he was dripping from head to toe; hair, sweater, pants, and shoes wet like he just jumped on a pool. But, when he opened his backpack, everything inside was safely dry.

Once he placed his backpack over his wet shoulder again, he turned around and saw the curtain of water flowing down from the sky as he ruffled his wet hair. Now that he was wet, he was even colder than before. He also mildly noticed all the chandeliers had been lit, he had no idea what time it was, it was so dark that it could be six in the afternoon.

- What happened to you? - Asked a man with disgust.

Jungkook got startled and turned around to find his father looking at him up and down, his briefcase in one hand and his phone in the other. Taehyung was behind him some more paces away and there was a group of grown-ups walking out from a door in the distance.

He looked back at his father.

- I was drawing in the center and didn't realize the rain was so close, and... - He trailed off, motioning to the pouring rain beside them.

- Is your sketchbook safe? - His father asked, a little softer this time.

Jungkook was taken aback.

- Yes, I... managed to put it away in time. Thanks for your concern. - His breathing was tight in his thot, his eyebrows pulling together in the middle.

- How are your injuries? - His father asked. Distantly, Jungkook noticed Taehyung had taken a step closer to him, but his eyes were glued to his father's face.

- Umm, they were well attended to. - Instinctively he brought a hand to his lip and shivered at the cold weather on his wet skin.

- Do they hurt? - His father's voice could be soft but there was still a cold hardness to it. Jungkook knew this and yet he focused on the words alone. His heart was beating fast and he hastened to answer.

- Yes. - Then, he waited with bated breath. Hoping...

- Good. -

Jungkook felt a let down hard enough to make him fall to his knees.

- I hope it helps as a reminder of your promise. - His father finished. And left.

Jungkook swallowed down the lump in his throat, trying to breathe properly as he watched his father's back. He felt abandoned. And a voice in his head reminded him that he deserved the pain, for he had acted in a way that disappointed his father.

And because he knew he'll do it again.

- Mr. Jeon, may I help you? - Taehyung said in a detached cold voice. But as Jungkook looked at him with a frown he saw his Taehyung in the way his eyes were laced with concern.

Jungkook looked around meticulously and saw there was no one but a vigilance camera at the end of the corridor. He lowered his head and nodded.

Taehyung started to walk looking ahead, cold and tense, but, when Jungkook caught up with him, he spoke in a near whisper.

- Your father thinks of me less like a nanny and more like a good role model. - His stare was hard and diverted from him.

Jungkook tried to ignore his previous sadness and forced himself to ask.

- You talked to him? - He spoke in the same low voice even if the pouring rain was enough to conceal any sound.

Taehyung pushed the glass door open and they entered the east corridor of the library.

- After the meeting, he put me aside and asked if I had attended to your wounds because he had been following you through the vigilance cameras to make sure you wouldn't attack Tom for getting you in trouble. So he saw how I took you to the Professors' living area. I told him I gave you the first aid kind, letting you attend to your wounds, and then had a long and serious talk about what happened. But when he asked me what you said I told him that I had promised everything you said would stay there to gain your trust and he understood, calling me a good man for wanting to show the right path to the new generation. You have no idea how bad I wanted to laugh. -

Jungkook grinned softly, feeling Taehyung gently taking him out of the gloom. In the distance, they could see the black glass doors that lead to the Professors' living area and stopped talking until they reached them.

Following their narrative, Jungkook played the part, looking downcast at the floor while hugging himself as he trembled. He was a troublemaker in another misdeed and Taehyung had caught him.

As he followed Taehyung like he was about to tell him off, some teachers passed from one door of the room to the other with polite greetings to Taehyung and hard stares at Jungkook.

Jungkook, on the other hand, was trying to control his panic as he saw so many professors, fearing that he might bump into the one he didn't want to see.

As they waited for the elevator, Taehyung whispered,

- Do you think I can hug you in there? -

Jungkook stopped looking around to look at the closed door in front of him.

- No. Camera. -

The elevator doors opened. And a beautiful man walked out, sparing not a single glance at them as he left.

Jungkook followed him with his stare, startled.

- Mr. Jeon. - Taehyung called him and he turned to see him holding the elevator door open for him.

He went straight inside and stood beneath the camera while Taehyung stood at the other end in the front.

- Who was he? - Jungkook asked, looking at the floor.

There was some time before Taehyung answered.

- Kim Seokjin, Psychology Professor. He's the youngest after me. - He paused. - Why? -

Jungkook couldn't tell without looking at him but Taehyung's voice seems to have hardened a little bit.

- Oh, nothing, just... curious. - Taehyung took a deep intake of breath.

- Curious about what? -

Jungkook couldn't understand the tone of his voice, he needed to look at him. Slowly, he looked up to see him. But he found nothing strange in his stare, it was only in his voice and words.

Jungkook wasn't emotionally stable enough to be talked at with whatever tone he was using.

- What brought this on? - He frowned.

Taehyung shook his head softly, his eyes impassive.

- I asked you first. -

Jungkook was just lost. The doors opened and to his surprise, Oliver was there, walking out of his apartment.

Jungkook's frown cleared as warmth spread within him, and they walked out to meet Professor O'Connor.

- Taehyung. - He greeted him with a kind smile. - And Jungkook, my boy. But what happened to you? Did the rain catch you? -

Jungkook couldn't help but smile back at this kind-natured man he had missed so much. And he felt deeply grateful that he hadn't mentioned his bruised-up face.

- Yes. Right in the middle of the main garden. - Jungkook answered and Oliver grimaced.

- Ouuu, poor lad. You get in warm clothes quickly or you'll catch a cold, alright? - He looked at him with the concern of a real father, and Jungkook resisted the alarming urge to cry.

- Yes, sir, I will. -

- Good boy. - Then he looked at Taehyung while he went to the elevator. - I'm glad to see you're alright. The first week isn't always the easiest one, what with having to live away from the family and all that, but I promise it'll get better. - He smiled at Taehyung reassuringly and the elevator doors opened.

- Thank you, sir. - Taehyung smiled at him and Oliver entered it. - I'm sorry for my reaction the other day. -

- No need for apologies, I understand. - And the doors closed but not before they were able to see his soft fatherly smile at both of them.

Jungkook breathed deeply, blinking fast to stop himself from crying, and started another conversation to distract himself.

- What happened the other day? - He asked rather quickly. Taehyung turned around and then went straight to his door, taking out his keys from the side of his briefcase.

- I came back here a little upset after yesterday's morning, but it's all fine now of course. - He opened the door and stood aside for Jungkook to enter first.

- Why "of course"? - He asked while entering the apartment, and, while he left his bag on the kitchen counter he noticed some fraction of the bookshelf had been filled, he smiled a little.

Taehyung closed the door and walked to him.

- Because... - He grabbed Jungkook by the shoulders and softly turned him around. - You're here. - And then he hugged him, and he hissed as they hugged tight. - You're freezing. -

- And you're so warm. - Jungkook said, snuggled in Taehyung's neck. - But I'll get your clothes wet. -

- This is my apartment, I have clothes to change into. - And then he hugged him even tighter and neared his lips to his ear. - Now, talking about Kim Seokjin... - Jungkook could definitely hear him displeased. It was such a strange tone on him that Jungkook chuckled. - What? Why are you giggling at his name? -

Funny, it might be. But, if he was being serious, Jungkook couldn't understand why.

- Tae, - He leaned away until he could see him in the eyes. He was grinning but his tone of voice told another story. - What brought this on? - He asked again.

Taehyung's grin faded until he looked uncertain. And then he muttered,

- You were looking at him the same way you looked at me when we first saw each other. -

Jungkook couldn't believe his ears. Leaning forward, he rested his head on Taehyung's shoulder and sighed.

- I seriously doubt that, Tae. I thought you were an Angel when I saw you. Seokjin is just pretty. -

- So you do think he's pretty. - Taehyung added, tensed up.

Jungkook took a deep breath.

- I don't know what you're trying to achieve here but if it has to do with getting me angry, you're succeeding. -

Immediately, Taehyung hugged him tightly with a hand behind his head to get him closer to his neck.

- No, no, never. - Jungkook felt him shaking his head. - I'm sorry. I was stupid. I'm sorry. You're not angry at me, are you? Please say you're not angry with me. - Taehyung let go of his waist to grab his face and kiss him softly on the cheek, successfully calming him down.

"Say you're not angry". Why does that sound familiar?

- I'm not. - He turned his head and kissed Taehyung on the cheek, then Taehyung hugged him tight by the waist. - And, for the record, I don't see any other man as I do to you so never think that again, ok? -

Taehyung smiled and nodded, looking happy again.

Jungkook stared into his eyes, breathed in deeply, and exhaled trying to let go of everything that had upset him that day.

The sound of the rain hitting the windows made him turn his head, and he shivered at the sight.

- Would you want a warm shower? - Taehyung's deep voice soothed him and he looked back at him.

Suddenly, he remembered what they had agreed on if it rained, and that drove every other thought away from his mind.

- I... don't have any spare clothes. - He whispered, unsure whether he was trying to find excuses not to get naked anywhere in this apartment.

- I'll give you some soft clothes that could fit you while yours is in the dryer. - He sweetly smiled down at him. - Would you like a shower or a bath? - And then he kissed him softly on the cheek. He had no idea just how ballistics Jungkook's brain was going at that moment. A warm shower, his soft clothes, and cuddles on a rainy day? This can't be real, it's too perfect. Taehyung kissed him sweetly on the cheek again and his cold skin was reacting to the warm touch making him shiver. - Let's go, you're shivering. -

Taehyung let go of him and held his hand, guiding him to the bathroom while Jungkook's nerves were escalating by the second. But Jungkook had to stop himself and be reasonable, there was no real reason for him to be nervous right now, it wasn't like Taehyung was offering to shower together...

Now that image was in his mind, and it didn't want to let him go. He looked at Taehyung's broad back and thought again of the giver and the taker, and he swallowed dryly.

- Ok, stay here for a sec. -

Taehyung left him beside the door, took a towel out of the cabinet, and then went into the closet for some clothes. Apparently, he'd moved the boxes to the closet but still hasn't taken anything out yet. Jungkook was just standing there trying to keep composure as images of a steamy shower with Taehyung were right behind his eyes and he shook his head to clear it. Then, he walked forward, closer to the mirror to examine his cut lip, it was still tender but not that painful anymore. He was rubbing at it softly, feeling the edges of the cut, when Taehyung walked closer to him, holding some clothes.

- Does it hurt? - He asked softly, looking at his lip, and Jungkook looked sideways at him, shaking his head. - Ok. Here are the clothes, maybe they'll be a little big for you. - He left them on the countertop. - You can leave your wet clothes here, - He pointed beside the dry ones. - and I'll put them in the dryer. -

- Couldn't I do that? - Jungkook asked, a little embarrassed.

- Do you know how it works? - Jungkook looked behind Taehyung at the laundry corner and made sure he at least recognized some buttons before nodding. Gloria taught him once, a really long time ago, but he still remembered. - Ok then. Shower or bath? - Jungkook looked back at him and Taehyung was still looking quite happy.

- Shower. -

- The right one is the warm water, alright? - Jungkook nodded and Taehyung hugged him again, kissing him on the cheek. - Take all the time you want. But not too much, I want to be with you. - And he kissed him again, making Jungkook giggle.

Once Taehyung had taken some clothes for himself, he walked out, closing the door. Then, Jungkook went immediately to lock it. He looked to the side at the dryer and went to it to decipher the buttons, and, once he was sure which ones to push, he started to take off his clothes. He was still self-conscious while he took off his shoes, frantically looking around the empty bathroom and stopping himself exasperatedly, reminding himself that there was no one else there.

It took some deliberation but finally, he took off his underwear -which was debatably dry- and put it aside with the clothes he'll put on after the shower. Then, he started the dryer and turned around.

Looking at his body in Taehyung's bathroom mirror was something else. It's about the image as a whole, how he was naked in Taehyung's apartment about to take a shower to then wear his clothes. It still surprised him how much he had changed as a person in such a small amount of time. But for him... for them, it's not about time at all. And being honest with himself, looking at himself naked knowing Taehyung was outside that door made him feel like such a grown-up, so in control of his life, that he smiled while he opened the glass door to the shower.

The shower he took was brief but great. The water fell like rain from the wide square on top of him and the steam fogged the glass, enclosing the shower a little. It warmed him up well. He also took some soap in his hands and applied it in circles all over his body. He felt warm and clean, now dry too as he left the towel to the side and went to put on the clothes.

Gray sweats and a white shirt with white socks. Taehyung wasn't joking when he said "soft clothes", and also about the size, it was a little big for him, the round neck was showing his collarbones shamelessly along with his hickeys, but he still thought it looked good on him so he was ok with that. He liked how Taehyung's hickeys looked on him. He passed the towel through his hair one more time with a smile and then hung it on the glass door of the shower.

He looked at himself in the mirror just one more time and then opened the door, walking out of the bathroom. And the sight that greeted him will forever be one of his favorites.

The pouring rain created a blurry curtain outside the tall windows, the sound of it hitting hard on the ground outside, and the dark gray sky creating a cold atmosphere in the apartment, was beautiful. But it was the man laying on the bed with a comfortable white shirt and black sweatpants, covering his eyes with his arms, which warmed Jungkook's skin.

Taehyung still had his feet on the ground, lying horizontally on the bed, knees facing the bathroom door, waiting patiently for him. Jungkook walked nearer until he was right beside him, smiling down at him until Taehyung moved his hands from his face, and got startled by Jungkook's sudden apparition, but then smiled wide and chuckled.

- You look so cute. - He sat up while he chuckled with his rectangular smile, and Jungkook giggled, folding his arms over his chest.

- I'm the violent child of the Headmaster, how dare you call me cute. -

Taehyung softly grabbed him by the waist with a laugh and got him closer.

- Yes, very violent the way you snatch my heart, indeed. -

Jungkook covered his face with his hands while he giggled and knew he was blushing, he was now standing in between Taehyung's legs while he had him by the waist. This was so perfect.

- What were you drawing before it started to rain? - Taehyung asked softly, and Jungkook moved his hands away from his face with a deep breath, but still wasn't ready for the stare Taehyung was giving him. He averted his eyes with a smile and his hands went to Taehyung's on his waist to caress them.

- The Library's main door. - When he felt he could look at him, he did, and his hands went to Taehyung's face. That beautiful face of his that will always dazzle him.

But that face filled with uncertainty.

- I feel like I have to tell you something. While I was talking with your father... - Taehyung started with caution and Jungkook's shoulders tensed up. - Just, the way he would talk about you. I couldn't really tell if... - Taehyung frowned.

- Say it. - Jungkook caressed his face softly as he nodded, deep down dreading the worst.

- Ok. - He took a deep breath. - It was just my perspective. But I couldn't tell if he really loved you or not. -

- Oh! Umm... - Jungkook jolted, averting his eyes in surprise and blinking. - Wow, I... Umm. - He was looking everywhere but at Taehyung, frowning, lifting his eyebrows, letting go of Taehyung's face to hold onto his shoulders for support. - W-Why?... Why... What happened? What did he say? - He finally looked at the floor by their side with a frown just waiting for the worst.

- I shouldn't have said that. - Taehyung's concerned voice made him look at him and sure enough, Taehyung was frowning.

- No, don't worry, it's just that... I mean... - An uncomfortable lump was forming in his throat at the thought that what Taehyung had to say was so bad that he couldn't even repeat it. - My father's love... I... It's just... - His breathing was getting deeper and he let go of Taehyung's shoulders to near his hands to his own chest, fearing that his heart might start beating uncontrollably and he won't be able to breathe.

- Jungkook, forget I said anything, don't think about it. - Taehyung's hands were holding him tighter and his voice was frantic. - It was just my perspective, I could be very wrong about it, maybe your father doesn't like to show his feelings to strangers and that's why I thought he was cold. -

- But he's like that to me... A stranger? - He looked down, his lip wobbling, his childhood flashing before his eyes as he tried to remember his father being happy for him and only being able to find the image of his grin when he was taking him to Evathe, out of the house.

Jungkook took a step back from the warmth that was Taehyung and into the cold of the apartment that very well could resemble his life.

- No, Jungkook... - Taehyung stood up and tried to get near Jungkook, but Jungkook wasn't there. He was hurting on the floor of his old house's bathroom, longing for a family he didn't have.

Taehyung held his face trying to make him look up at him.

- Jungkook–

- He has said he loves me, he has said it... I don't remember when but he has. We might fight a lot but he does. He does. He... - Jungkook was in denial, still in his head, tormented by sadness. - I worked so hard to get his approval for so many years. I got into trouble on purpose to get his attention, but he still never... All the things I had to do for years to hear him say he was proud of me and in just one day... - His throat closed and the tears finally rolled down.

Taehyung frantically started to dry them, but Jungkook was hurting, and whenever he hurt in the past, he did it alone. And he was alone in his head right now. So he took a step back and walked fast towards the other side of the room to the windows, trying to dry his tears by himself, trying to calm down because the part of him that still knew where he was, was crying for Taehyung's hug.

So he was crying, the him of the past and the present were crying for love, and the worst thing was that he couldn't accept the love he had right there with him, the love that followed him to the windows, the love that wanted to help him so desperately, and he didn't know why he couldn't accept this love when he needed it the most. Why? Why did it feel so wrong to be comforted while he remembered being punished? Was it because he thought he deserved the punishment? But why? He wasn't there anymore, why keep suffering? Why? When love was right beside him on the brink of tears illuminated by the gray light of the rain coming through the windows? Why keep suffering?

Jungkook placed his palms on the closed window and held himself on it, breathing deeply while looking out the window and doing his best to stop crying even if it hurt like hell, but not because he had to keep it in until he was alone, but because Taehyung's presence was little by little making him stronger. Just his presence reminded him that he was being loved, that there was someone that knew him, the real him, and loved him, accepted him, took care of him, someone that wanted to see him happy and who gets sad by seeing him sad. There was someone that made him feel at home, loved, and strong. Someone that accepted his past, loved him in the present, and wanted to be part of his future.

Taking one last deep breath, he pushed away from the window and turned to the side to hug Taehyung. Immediately, his arms held him tight, and he felt at home again, warm and loved, cared for and at peace. The only reason Jungkook needed to be fine was Taehyung.

- I'm sorry, I knew it wasn't my place to say something like that, Gosh, I'm so sorry. I just keep messing up, don't I? -

Jungkook shook his head and leaned back just enough to be able to look up into his eyes, drying his face and then his hands to see Taehyung's still glossy eyes.

Jungkook softly held his face.

- I'm not ready to think about that yet. - About whether or not his father really... - Although, I do accept your apology, the way you said it had been a little too harsh. But no problem, - He stopped Taehyung before he apologized again. - it wasn't your fault, you didn't know how... delicate the subject was. And you don't mess things up, you fix them. - Jungkook got closer and hugged him by the neck, feeling Taehyung hugging him tight around the middle.

- I made you cry and you complimented me. - Taehyung sounded appalled with himself.

- What do you want me to do? Make you cry as well? Fat chance. - He turned his head and kissed his cheek, he was feeling better, being in the present was way better, being with Taehyung helped him so much.

- Yes, make me cry, I feel like I need some punishment for hurting you. - He said that, determined while still hugging him tightly.

Jungkook bristled a little.

- No, Tae. - He said softly. - If you want to compensate for taking a tear, don't give one back, make it go away. And you already have. - He kissed him again and hugged him comfortably.

Taehyung sighed.

- What did I do to deserve you? -

Jungkook giggled.

- I ask myself the same thing about you. - He said, all sadness was forgotten in Taehyung's embrace and all tears evaporated with Taehyung's words. He'll think about it later or never at all, whatever his future self might want to do. Then he felt Taehyung leaning down to kiss him softly on the cheek, and Jungkook sighed. - I feel way better now. -

- Good. - Taehyung kissed his temple. - Let's lay down for a moment. - Taehyung said softly and gently let go of Jungkook to walk them back to the bed.

He let go of his hand and rolled over twice over the bed, making Jungkook chuckle until he was lying on the other side. Then, Jungkook lay down too until he was lying down on what felt like a marshmallow, and he looked to the side. Taehyung was smiling adoringly at him, like looking at him beside him was a dream come true, and then he moved closer, propping himself on his elbow.

- Close your eyes. - Taehyung's soft, deep voice made him sigh, and he did as he said, feeling comfortable by his side.

Jungkook felt the softest of touches on his cheek. For a moment he thought it was a feather but then when the object started moving, he realized it was Taehyung's fingertip. He was caressing his face in the softest way possible.

Jungkook felt so warm, so comfortable, that every muscle relaxed with every brush of Taehyung's fingertips on his cheek. He felt a tingling in the top of his head when Taehyung passed through his eyebrows and eyelashes. He passed the tip of his finger everywhere on Jungkook's face, from his forehead to his chin adoringly, like he was enjoying this just as much as Jungkook was; like he was apologizing for hurting him previously; like he loved every place his finger was caressing.

When he was younger, he dreamed that his future would be perfect, living with someone that loved him unconditionally, took care of him and caressed him, held him, and hugged him, he wanted to be the one hearing poems written by his lover, he wanted to be showered in roses and little surprises, he wanted to love and be loved so much that he would be swept off his feet every day for the rest of his life. As he grew, he realized that it would never happen because he had to be the strong one and work hard, he had to be the one giving the gifts and the hugs and living to please his wife and then children.

Yes, that would've been his future, but... it could be different.

Slowly, he opened his eyes to look into Taehyung's adoring ones. His dark eyes were shining with feeling, his touch stopped on Jungkook's cheek and he placed his palm there, caressing him with his thumb. Jungkook, leaving his head to the side and looking straight at Taehyung, turned the rest of his body to face him fully while his hands rested between their chests. And Jungkook swallowed before speaking in a near whisper.

- Do you like to think of the future? - Taehyung placed his cheek back on the pillow in front of Jungkook and his hands went to hold Jungkook's in their midst.

- Now I do. - He said with sincerity, with no fear.

Jungkook's eyebrows knotted slightly.

- Aren't you scared? Or worried? - Jungkook most definitely was. But, Taehyung's soft features and tiny smile never wavered.

- No. - He said that completely sure of himself. But little by little the confidence faded. - My only worry is that you would be gone, in one way or another. - Jungkook looked down at their hands, he was so in love with that sight that it broke him to even think about leaving.

- If I do, it wouldn't be because I wanted to. - He looked back up and saw his fear reflected in Taehyung's eyes.

- I would never let them take you away. I would never let them hurt you. - Taehyung's voice was full of promise, but it did little to calm Jungkook.

- I hate thinking about the future. - He looked down at their hands and squeezed them, holding Taehyung's like he was about to be taken away from him, and Taehyung did the same.

- Please, tell me all your worries. - Taehyung pleaded softly, and Jungkook took a deep breath before looking back up.

- I'm scared because I have something I can't have. I feel like I robbed the most invaluable piece of art and have it hidden with me, just waiting for the cops to finally figure out it was me, and they take you away, and they lock me up... I hate to think about the future because I don't know what will happen. The uncertainty has me on edge between just going away for both of our sakes or staying for both of our sakes. In the first one, we both would be miserable, and in the second one we're both happy, but still in danger. - He looked deep into Taehyung's eyes, into his soul.

- I don't want to leave. - Jungkook wanted to make that very clear, and Taehyung took a deep, stabilizing breath, it even sounded relieved. - I don't, Tae. I can't leave. If I left, I would've simply come back to you. 'Cause I'm desperate. - He shrugged. - I'm desperate for love, happiness, and freedom. And I have that when I'm with you. So if something were to happen and... - He couldn't even finish it. - I'm scared of the uncertainty of the future. You have a family, I have mine, and we're criminals. - He looked down at their hands again and left a soft kiss on the back of Taehyung's finger. - Now, tell me what's on your mind. - He looked back up.

- I love you. -

Jungkook froze. He hadn't been expecting that in the slightest. Taehyung's eyes were sincere and soft, deep with the meaning of an ocean, and his throat was visibly holding in a breath. Maybe he had thought out loud, but that would only make matters even more meaningful.

Jungkook's eyebrows knotted with emotion and he closed his eyes to take in a deep breath, the last thing he wanted was to cry again.

- Don't apologize. - He said and opened his eyes to find Taehyung ready to do just that. Jungkook shook his head and softened his expression, leaning down to kiss the back of his hand again. - Never apologize for saying what you have. - He said softly, and, with a last kiss, looked back up. Taehyung's eyes betrayed him, he still wanted to apologize, but Jungkook shook his head gently again. - Tell me your worries, I told you mine. - Gently, Jungkook got closer to him.

- Ok. - Taehyung took a deep breath. - I have your same worries. Though the other one that I have is that they would take my kids away from me. But I said that I wasn't scared, and that's true. It's just that I have this image in my head, and it's so perfect that I don't want anything else. It's like somehow I know I'll be able to make it happen, like somehow I know it will come true, maybe that's just wishful thinking and I need to be logical but... I don't want to be logical. The only thing I would want to do is use my logic to make plans and strategies to make it happen. I want us. I want you. -

Jungkook took a shuddering breath.

Taehyung smiled softly, letting go of one of his hands to hold the cheek that wasn't in contact with the pillow, and Jungkook melted, closing his eyes and smiling, reassured by Taehyung's certainty about their future.

- I want us too. - Jungkook whispered, and Taehyung's hand caressed his cheek until he opened his eyes again. Taehyung was looking at him just like he was when he said he loved him, and Jungkook got a teensy bit closer. - Say it. - He whispered, and Taehyung knew what he meant.

- I love you. -

It sent a flow through him. So warm and beautiful was that feeling that spread inside of him that he softly smiled, his stomach filled with butterflies, and he got one tiny bit closer again.

- Again. - He whispered, and Taehyung smiled, his eyes radiant.

- I love you. -

Jungkook saw it then, that beautiful future he longed for. He saw it in the way Taehyung's eyes were shining, in the way they were holding hands, in the way the rain seemed to be far away from them and their little bubble, in the way his heart was beating faster as they got closer to one another, and how his eyes closed the moment their lips met.   

On the other side of the university, in the Students' living area, Garrett looked up at the tall windows of the Study Room and frowned at the rain. With a hand, he rubbed the tattoo on his right arm, absentmindedly.

He felt uneasy.

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 18 <3

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Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

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