One year ago...

"Annalise? Annie?" I heard frantic voices calling my name and fists hammering on the locked door of my bathroom. Panic rushed weakly through my body as my head felt heavy from the thoughts travelling at a couple hundred miles a second. There was only so long that the door would hold out, even in my current state I was conscious of that and I felt feeble and alarmed when I looked at the state of my clothes, which were soaked in red. I sensed my heart making several unsuccessful attempts to beat stronger and harder, as I looked despairingly at my bathroom door, seeing the wood around the handle start to split and flake away. I pushed everything around me under a towel just as the door swung open...

I awoke in a cold sweat, my breath loud and shallow in my chest, and looked immediately over to the door of my bathroom. The new door was still fully intact, no marks on it other than the deep scratches that my memory had ensured that it had left. I remembered how my room had just had an empty doorway for seven whole months before my parents replaced it. I recalled them making constant excuses, they had no time, they didn't know what kind of door they wanted, they were run off their feet with other expenses, my siblings needed more attention than a gaping hole that didn't let the echos leave. Some nights I was convinced I heard the hammering still.

The nightmares were back, that was for sure.

I stretched out on my bed, unfurling my limbs and throwing off the blankets that were trapping me and holding me down. It was early. So early, it was out of character for me to be awake and I could hear my parents and little sister getting ready to leave and head off to their respective workplaces. Getting up out of bed, I scurried around my room, trying to make as little noise as possible. It was barely seven, and I bit my lip anxiously as I dragged a brush through my unruly bed hair and opened my bedroom door, making my way slowly, cautiously down the stairs to maybe, see my family properly for the first time in years. My ears were scanning the house for the tiniest noise, but the levels of activity and sound coming from the kitchen stayed stable. They had no idea that I was metres away, no idea that I was listening to all the sounds of laughter and scraping spoons and toast popping back up in the toaster and trying to decide whether now was a good time to walk in, say hi and just carry on with my day. I picked at my nails, trying to lower my levels of increasing distress. Why was I doing this?

I could just turn around and do this another day and they would all be none the wiser... but, realistically, when will that other day be? It will only become a bigger thing over time... Right? How badly can it go on a Tuesday morning in a family of mainly happy people?

I listened to my thoughts, frowning intently. I caught myself about to rip off the nail and, after taking a deeper breath than I thought was physically possible, stepped through the gap where the door to the kitchen was slightly ajar. I wasn't noticed at first, I merely stood just by the door and observed quietly, overwhelmed at the amount of people in the kitchen and listening to the words that were being spoken in a friendly yet clipped and short tone of voice.

"So Tara," I heard my dad boom, "Your mother tells me that you have a lacrosse match on Wednesday..." my ears tuned out his voice, not particularly enthralled by the conversation topic. Who even plays lacrosse? Our school never did that? My eyes swivelled around the room, falling upon my mum before finally Tara. Her back was turned to me, but I was still able to tell that I had missed a substantial part of Tara. She wasn't the same. Her hair was neat, socks pulled up and her uniform... That wasn't the uniform of the local secondary school which I recalled that she was meant to be attending with me. She had a blazer on... Who even wears blazers to school? What-

Oops.

I'd sneezed. I felt everyone turn to face me and my face immediately turned cherry red as I looked to the floor, dismissing myself of the opportunity to examine the faces of the three people I was meant to know and love more than anyone. Of course, this wasn't the case.

"Hi," I said quietly, my voice hoarse and croaky.

Silence.

I messed up.

I watched them all look at each other, then at me, then at each other and then at me again. I looked at each of their faces, each one reading disgust and shock. My mum's face quickly switched to the forced smile that was often, if not always pinned to her face when I was around. She started fussing around the kitchen and tidying away whilst babbling onto herself, trying to talk in an assumedly calm way to everyone in the room.

"Oh, hello Annalise, what a... lovely surprise it is to see you up this early! Isn't this a lovely surprise Cedric? Tara? You haven't seen Annalise in ages, why don't you two sit down and have a nice catch up and I can make you both some-" I raised an eyebrow at her voice, which was getting higher and faster with each word she spoke. She was interrupted abruptly by Tara.

"Mum, you know I have to do clarinet practice before school today-"

"Yes dear, but I thought it would just be good for you both to spend some time together, after all who knows how long it has been-"

"Mum," Tara started firmly, shooting an icy glance at me. I watched her pull her blazer sleeves down over her hands and turn to face my mum. Our mum.

"Yes, darling?" She said, her voice full of more kindness than I had ever heard in my life.

"Can we talk outside for a second?"

"Of course, of course, my love. Let's just..." The pair of them left the room and I remained sat at the table opposite my elusive and lesser spotted father figure, who was reading the newspaper and doing an awful job of pretending to ignore me as I kept seeing his eyes flick up from behind the paper to look at me. I decided to return the sentiment and ignored him, listening intently and straining my ears to try and hear all of what my mum and 'sister' were saying. I had next to no doubt in my mind that it was about me, so I didn't deem it so incredibly wrong to be eavesdropping. They should have gone somewhere further away if they didn't want me hearing what they had to say, or they could have at least shut the door instead of leaving it wide open for me.

"Mum, I don't want to see her. I don't want to talk to her." I heard Tara 'whisper' loudly.

"Why not, poppet?"

"Have you not got any idea how bad this is for me? How much of a huge thing this is? I can't just go three years without seeing my sister, only for her to walk down to breakfast like nothing has ever happened. How can I continue with my life when it's essentially been uprooted by a total stranger. I have gotten used to Miles being away, but at least that still feels like I have a brother. I haven't seen Annalise since I was eleven, mum, and I've just turned fourteen. I don't want to see her now. I don't think I want to see her ever. I've been happy without her, haven't I? Haven't I?" Tara raised her voice so that it was almost at normal talking volume and the piece of unbuttered bread I was trying so hard to eat suddenly tasted sour in my mouth. I gulped and put the rest back on my plate, both eager to hear and dreading the response that would come next.

"Oh Tara, I'm so sorry, we just didn't think about how hard this would affect you, honey. It must be so hard for you to-"

Hard for her? Hard for an eleven year old sister who had the world's highest levels of petulance and never got along with her sister anyway? Hard for the eleven year old sister who grew up into a fourteen year old sister who had been given everything she wanted and had nobody left to argue with?

I snapped myself out of my grumpy and frustrated mind to hear my mum talking still.

"If you've not eaten enough, we can leave a little bit early and get breakfast on the way to school, alright? Tara, we're really sorry..." I heard my mum sigh loudly as my sister made her way noisily up the stairs. I stuffed the remaining piece of my bread into my mouth just as I was smiled at in an apologetic manner and everyone seemed to just get on with their lives for a couple of minutes. I hurriedly swallowed down the bread and the wave of nausea that had decided to accompany it just as my mum cleared my throat, apparently now ready to make excuses for Tara, her precious angel child.

"Sorry, Annie, Tara is just very busy at the moment, lots of schoolwork and music exams, she does like to put lots of effort in and..."

"It's fine, mum," I muttered through half gritted teeth and tried to smile but felt it was probably more of a snarl and gave up. "I should probably go."

"Oh, Annie, if you must. It's been absolutely lovely to have you downstairs with us for a change, you really should-" I didn't hear the rest because I was already halfway to my room, the only space in the house that I felt still wanted, needed and valued me.

What now, Annalise? What do you do now? You've just found out that your sister doesn't want you in her life, you found out that your sister had maybe forgotten that you existed for the last two or three years of her life. Surely that means something? If you could be forgotten about in three years, what would happen in six years? In nine years? How about fifteen or twenty? Did you really mean that little to everyone?

I sighed, almost disappointed in everyone else other than myself. I threw myself down onto my bed, looking up at the ceiling and deep in thought. Almost of their own accord, my hands grabbed my laptop from its position a couple of inches away and opened it up on my lap, typing in my password deftly and clicking onto my blog, scrolling down to the bottom of my most recent post and clicking onto my comments before looking thoughtfully at the username. The username of the person who seemed to still want to know who I was after everything I had accidentally admitted to them. @lostcqlibre. I hung back for a moment, in two minds about what I was about to do.

Deep breaths, Annie. Deep breaths.

My finger made contact with my mousepad over the message button.

Send a message to @lostcqlibre:

I paused again. I wanted to reach out to them badly. So, so, so, so badly. They might think that I'm a weird and predatorial stalker, reaching out to a random person who showed me a single inch of kindness. It's like that saying, give them an inch and they'll take a mile. I was trying to take the mile, that was for sure. It was a leap of faith, but one I was willing to take. If it went wrong, I could just block them and get on with my life like nothing had ever happened. Some risks were worth taking, after all. And was it even a risk if I was perfectly safe at all times? Sighing, I sat back and started to type out my message.

To @lostcqlibre,

Hi. No, that's probably not the right way to start this. Hang on, let me pull myself together.

...

...

Right, ok, I've got this. Sorry, this is a bit weird.

Hi. I would call you something but I know you solely by the username you have, which suggests you have a lack of calibre. I don't actually know what calibre means properly. Let me check. Ok. The quality of someone's character or level of achievement. I don't think you have lost any calibre. I also don't know you. But I'm moving away from the matter in hand.

Hello. I'm Annalise and I am alive (not really exposing personal info as it's literally my username).

This might sound weird or creepy or whatever, but I feel like you're the only person I have left in the entire world. I don't even have a clue who you are. You could be a forty year old man... Are you a forty year old man? I hope not. Anyway, your comments are the only nice things I've had recently. I get that it isn't normal to message an internet human, a keyboard warrior, a cyborg or whatever you are. Probably human. Sorry, that was offensive. You're human. So am I. But lately it doesn't really feel like it.

I think you'll understand what I mean when I say that. I'm tired of existing and living in my current conditions and space. I don't really want to live in my house anymore, not now. In short, I have stayed holed up in my room for the last three years, my own sister forgot who I am and then proceeded to say she didn't want to see me or talk to me. It hurt.

But anyway, I'm really sending this to reach out to you. I think we are the only two people on the planet who get what it's like and we should stick together. Metaphorically speaking only, of course. Not actually stick together, just... talk I guess. So, if you want... just message me back at some point? :)

From Annaliseisalive309 (Just call me Annie)

SEND

I pressed send, held my breath for about half a minute before relaxing again. There was nothing I could do now. It was a waiting game, but I'd never been particularly patient before. I traced the raised patterns on my left arm with the tip of my thumb, scanned over what I had sent before shutting down my laptop completely. I couldn't bear to sit and watch the screen, I couldn't bear to sit in my room and I couldn't bear to stay in the house. For some reason, the bad memories and all of the intrusive thoughts were particularly bad today. And so, in a desperate attempt to quieten them, I pulled on the first ratty pair of trainers I came across as well as a hoodie that I found lying on the floor at the base of my bed, before running down the stairs and leaving the house earlier than everyone else for the first time in years.

The air outside the Doherty house felt calmer than the air inside, and I felt my lungs take in the fresh air. My feet automatically went to take me to the park and my tree, but something in me forced me to walk the other direction, away from home and to a place that I was not yet sure of. The only noise pollution was from cars and birds, a lack of people on the streets due to half of London doing the commute to work and school. It was slightly isolating, but I wasn't sure how, as realistically there were people all around me, they were just trapped inside of grumbling metal boxes that I was outside of. I watched a cat run across the pavement in front of me, up a wall and out of sight. My heart sighed, looking around me. I was still walking but who knows where to? As I looked around me, I started to realise where my feet were carrying me. The grey garden fences seemed very familiar, and for good reason as, rounding the corner, I came face to face with the square building that ruined my life. My old school. Now, I understand that it is a very stereotypical place and at least 83% (my guess, not statistics) would say that it ruined their lives also, but to me, my experience seemed to be a cut above that of everybody else's. I snapped out of my mind and back into the real world to see people dressed in the same uniform, walking in the same brainwashed way. At first I was confused at the sheer quantity of people but, looking at my watch, I understood soon after. Of course. Because it was school, and it was half eight in the morning, and people would be making their way into the building and through the grey gates of hell. And as I was about to walk away, I paused.

Lola. I could see Lola.

She was always late, it was perfectly feasible that nothing would have changed. I looked frantically at the faces of the people around me, fully aware of how mad I probably looked. My eyes darted to my watch again, feeling desperate all of a sudden. The vicious circle happened again and again for approximately ten minutes, before I sat down on the bench a couple of metres away, my head held in my hands as the manic emotions that had been running rife just moments ago slowly departed from my mind, leaving me alone and wilted. Not that I'm particularly plant-like, I tend to die in the sunlight because that's just what happens when you are as pale as I am.

Just as the coldness of the bench started to seep through me, I felt a person come up behind me. I panicked, my mind in a frenzy as I made an endeavour to try and figure out what exactly I should be doing. It was a few seconds later when the same person tapped on my shoulder, proceeding to talk.

"Annie?" My head shot up, heart racing all of a sudden from the surprise voice. Heart racing because I knew instantly exactly who the slightly tired sounding voice coming from behind me belonged to. It was her. Lola. I sat up properly and turned around, seeing Lola's face (which was equally as shocked as mine, might I add). She looked different, more worn and sad than I recalled her looking and that upset me a little bit.

"Hey..." I whispered, smiling softly at her worried expression to try and indicate that everything was ok.

"Why are you here?... What are you doing at school?... How did you...? I'm sorry Annie, I'm confused. What's going on?" Lola gently shoved me along the bench in a gesture to ask if she could sit. I shuffled my way to leave enough room for her and we sat in a silence that was both comfortable and not so comfortable all at once.

"Nothing's going on, Lolo, I was just out of the house for once in my life and thought that I could just..." She put her hand on top of mine, and I looked at her.

"I know, I know, Annie and I'm so proud of you for getting out of bed, as I always am, even if you don't explicitly know it. But... it's just a bit sudden. I've sent you messages pretty much every day for the last three years, and I used to get a little bit excited every time I did that, hoping for a reply of some sort... But it never came. You never replied to me, Annie..." I watched as Lola sadly spoke her poisoned words, her voice quiet yet confident. I felt waves of guilt curl up inside of me as I thought of Lola being let down time and time again and all because of me.

"I know..." I whispered, a lump in my throat. I didn't want to get upset, not right now. I didn't want to cry, because I didn't deserve to. I'd single handedly ruined the life of my best friend... Ex best friend? Who even knew where our relationship stood anymore?

"I should go, I'll end up being super late," Lola stood up and I watched her go, almost tempted to not stop her. Almost.

"Lola? I'm sorry. Can we meet again? I think we both have a lot we need to say-" I pleaded as she turned around quickly.

"Annie..." She started pityingly, but never finished due to her voice trailing off slowly.

"Lola..." There was an awkward pause where our eyes met and I thought she would leave. She didn't, instead breathed out like the weight of the world was crushing her. For all I knew, maybe it was.

"Fine, Annie, yes. I guess we do need to talk. Saturday, 3pm, at the Arrowhead Coffee shop. But if you are so much as a minute late, I'll take that as a sign that you don't take our friendship as seriously as I thought you did." I grinned at her departing figure as she walked through gates and through the mouth of hell. Grinning because maybe, just maybe, I'd managed to salvage a part of the mess I had put myself in.