Dear universe...

It's been only two days. But it's been a chaotic few, that's for sure. It feels a bit like more. For one thing, I overheard my little sister telling my mum that she didn't want me in her life (who, by the way, I haven't seen for three years, honestly can't remember if I'd said that already. Who cares.). I wouldn't have minded anywhere near as much if my parents had just reacted a little bit differently. It's not fair. I genuinely heard my own mother say that it must be hard for her, but how? HOW? It isn't like she's the one who locked herself in her own bathroom to make mistakes that landed her locked somewhere else, only this time a mental hospital. How hard can it be to reintegrate me into your life? What do you possibly have to deal with? I'm jealous of my little sister. She's the favourite, she goes to some posh private school that I would never have been allowed to attend. She has everything, and I have nothing. No sympathy, a severe lack of kindness. What kind of fucked up family do I live in? Because I'd like to get out as soon as physically possible please, universe.

But, on what's probably a more positive note... I tried to actually fix something and I didn't fail entirely. My school friend (from when I actually went to school) agreed to meet up with me on Saturday. I think I'm a little bit scared. I woke up ridiculously early yesterday and ended up walking to school and accidentally (sort of) on purpose bumped into her. I messed up, she made me realise that. Because yes, I ignored her for three years, but it's a little bit more complex than it may seem at surface level. It's difficult to explain, I guess. The thing is, we were best friends for years, but then it took an unexpected turn and suddenly she became sort of my girlfriend. Now, I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, but I was in a very dark place mentally at the time, did some things I regretted and then upset her. Not even a week later I was in hospital because... I'm sure, if you know me well at all, you can guess what happened. Apparently I was a danger to myself. I think I was probably more of a danger to others, I absolutely crushed the most important person in my life. Anyway, I saw her after three years and have been asked to meet her, at a local coffee shop at exactly three o'clock. She said that if I was late, she'd take it as a message that she was no longer important to me. So yes, safe to say I'm more than a little scared.

Anyway, no matter what happens at the weekend, I think I'm pulling myself back from the edge a little bit. It's a quick turn around, a very sudden mood swing, so I'm apprehensive. If I'm on this high, how much will it take to tip me over the edge?

I think I will be ok. I will survive these next few days. I will. I've made up my mind, and I'm going to make the change I've been waiting for happen. Bring it upon myself. I've already figured out that it won't be easy and I'm going to hate it. However I've decided, I'm determined.

Good going, universe...

From Annalise :)

(There's literally no point in me writing my username when my name is in it anyway)

Posted at 14:17pm on Wednesday the 13th of May 2009

2 comments:

@lostcqlibre - I'm really proud of you xx and also check your inbox

@user76176238492 - Glad to see it's looking up 👍