Dear universe...

In two days, I will turn 18 years old. I will be an adult in the eyes of the law, of legal drinking age. In two days I can get a tattoo, vote in elections, gamble all of my money away at a casino (whether in Vegas or London), get married, buy a whole heap of fireworks, drive a motorbike and get any body piercings. There's so much I will be able to do, perhaps the world really will be my oyster.

I'm proud of myself, this time. I really am. I'm sure most people celebrate their 18th in a substantial and fitting way, I will probably do the same, but a part of me feels like I need to pay a tribute. A tribute to 15 year old Annalise who didn't actually want to make it to 18 and thought that this world would be better without her in it. A tribute to 16 year old Annalise who was barely holding on. A tribute to 17 year old Annalise because she decided she could be better. I'm going to be leaving my childhood behind on June the third, and will finally have a fresh start, for good this time. I can leave behind the bits of myself that only appear in the darkness of my mind during the midnight hours and start fresh. Start clean. Make myself proud.

Things have been pretty decent lately, my brain is relaxing, it's becoming more forgiving and much more kind. When I'm at home, I feel less trapped than before, sometimes the old feelings try to creep in but I haven't let them yet. I know I've probably already said this, I can't remember, but I think that this time I will change for good. I just know it.

On the other hand (and I never thought I'd be writing about this), I'm worried about my little sister. I'm going to guess what you're thinking right now:

"Annie, you used to hate her guts? Why are you worried about her?"

And to that I'd say:

You're right. I used to hate her, but the hate was entirely unjustified, unfair and cruel. I hated my LITTLE SISTER just because I hated myself, and she was kind enough to give me a second chance even when I had done nothing to deserve one. Our relationship isn't perfect, but we're trying very, very hard. And I'm not sure why I'm worried about her, not at all. You know when you just get this feeling? This irritating and undeniable irk that keeps you up at night, just spinning around and around your mind, constantly returning to it as if that thought was an electromagnet that somebody kept switching on and off. All of the time.

But yes. I'm worried about Tara because something seems off. She hasn't said anything, nothing about her mannerisms, body language, nothing is different. At all. But I just sort of know. So I'm going to keep an eye on her, because my family doesn't need another Annalise. I don't want her to end up like me.

On a happier note, I'm trying to make people happy!! Shock horror, I know. But at last, I think I've found my person, my beautiful Milly (@lostcqlibre). Hello Mills! I know you'll be reading this, so here is my public declaration and outpouring of love and affection for you:

It's been many years since I have had a proper friend, and even longer since I have had a friend that understands me to a T. However, when I needed somebody most, you popped up and I am so, so, so fucking grateful that you did. One day, Milly, we can explore our corner of the universe together and I am counting down the days... Even though I don't actually know when it will be.

I think that's all I have to say for now. Next time you will hear from me, Universe, I will be an adult. 18 years old...Crazy...

Lots of love and wishes,

Annalise xx

Posted at 17:44pm on Monday the 1st of June 2009

4 comments:

@lostcqlibre - I LOVE YOU ANNIE!!! Also happy birthday babes <3

@user76176238492 - I'm so glad you're still here :) this was well written

@seb5d6e592bumblebee - Hope to see you soon?

@collette.g - HAPPY BIRTHDAY XX