𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐓𝐨 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤
-𝟎𝟎𝟗-
𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡, 𝟏𝟗𝟏𝟗

The lead up to Tommy and Valerie's wedding went oh so quickly. Valerie had tried her best to avoid John in the lead up to it all as she didn't want to hurt herself or him any further.

Maria was sat behind Valerie trying to pin back her long, dark hair. She could feel her friends anxiousness and couldn't help but feel bad for her. "You'll be okay. I know you will." Maria reassured her.

Valerie shifted uncomfortably in her chair and placed a hand on her growing baby bump. "I know.." She said doubtfully. Maria twisted two pieces of Valerie's hair back that had small braids intertwined in them. She looked beautiful as always.

Maria tutted and leaned down to kiss her cheek. "If Tommy Shelby won't love you, I'll have you instead." She joked.

The dark haired girl let out a breathy laugh and shook her head. "I'd rather you had me." She said seriously. Maria wrapped an arm around the front of Valerie and sighed. "If I could take all of this worry out of you, I would. I'd take it and put it inside of myself."

Valerie shook her head. "Don't be silly. I'm fine."

Maria raised her eyebrows slightly and just smiled lightly. "Right come on. We wouldn't want to make his highness wait now would we?" She said in mocking tone to which Valerie rolled her eyes.

To say she was nervous wouldn't be a complete lie. She was more nervous to see John than to marry Thomas. Thomas didn't seem as bad as they all made him out to be. Well - if he was willing to marry the woman that was carrying his brother's baby surely he wasn't evil.

-

The drive down to the church seemed to drag on massively and the nerves in Valerie's stomach just seemed to grow as the minutes passed. Maria helped her out of the car and Polly met them outside. "He's already at the alter." Polly said. "I thought he'd be late." She added on.

Valerie swallowed hard and the three of them walked inside. "You'll be fine. Just look forward and smile." Polly whispered to her before slipping back inside the room.

Maria fixed a small piece of Valerie's hair and examined her once more. "Let's go," she linked her best friends once the piano music began. Her heart was beating rapidly. She kept her eyes forward and tried not to look at anyone.

But she didn't need to. She could feel John's upset eyes on her as she walked. Once they got to the middle, Maria left her side and Valerie walked the rest alone.

Tommy turned to face her and smiled slightly. He nodded reassuringly at her and they took one another's hands in their own.

"Do you, Thomas Micheal Shelby take the Valerie Helen Black to be yours to cherish and to hold until death do you apart?" The priest asked. Tommy took a breath and tried to keep his eyes on her. "I do." He grumbled. The priest shifted his gaze to Valerie who had a slight gloss over her eyes. "Do you, Valerie Helen Black take the Thomas Micheal Shelby to be yours to love and hold till death do you apart?"

She hesitated for a moment but knew she had to proceed. "I do."

Tommy carefully slid a ring onto her finger and she did the same to him. "You may now kiss the bride." The priest said. Tommy cupped the side of her face and they both leaned in, closing their eyes and kissing for a mere moment.

Majority of the crowd burst into claps and cheers. John slowly clapped but felt a heavy weight on his chest as he did so. He didn't want to get upset. He couldn't. Now he knew how Valerie felt having to watch him marry Esme.

John felt jealous more than anything. She was his girl. He was her boy. And it had been like that for a few months.

Arthur aggressively patted John's shoulder and John just shrugged him away. He didn't know what to do, how to act. Esme had noticed his strange behaviour and snaked her arm around his to link it. He tensed beneath her touch and wanted to pull away. He didn't though. John knew if he pulled away, she'd only grown concerned and he didn't feel like explaining anything to her.

John couldn't find a way to feel anything toward Esme. They were more like accomplices rather than husband and wife. He couldn't look at her the way he looked at Valerie. And he hated it.

-

Valerie and Maria danced around with each other, alcohol running through their veins as the night went on. She hadn't spent more than a single moment with Tommy since they got back to the Garrison. She was also avoided John at all costs.

Suddenly, she bumped in to someone. Spinning around, she gasped. "I'm so sorry-" her eyes landed on the brunette woman who stood before her and her face faltered slightly. "My apologies." She continued.

Esme shook her head. "It's fine." She said with her thick accent, turning away to continue doing what she was doing.

Valerie paused for a moment. Esme was beautiful. Her eyes were dark and endless. Her hair was wavy and messy in the most gorgeous way possible. John was lucky. And that made Valerie feel sick.

"Come on, Val!" Maria was quick to pull her back to dancing away to the music. The music wasn't that loud considering it was only being played on a gramophone but they didn't care.

"You got a good one, Tom. You really did." Arthur shouted loudly. John bit his tongue and gripped his glass in hand. Tommy chuckled. "I did, yeah." He went along with it.

"She's amazing isn't she." John spoke up spitefully. The two looked at him. "What'ya on about, John boy?" Arthur hummed. "Tommy knows what I mean." He said, glaring at Tommy.

Arthur looked between the two and sensed the awkwardness. "I'm going to go get.. another drink." He said, throwing back the rest of his whiskey.

Tommy tilted his head. "Is there something you'd like to say, John?"

"Yeah. You're a fucking selfish bastard." He spat angrily. Tommy stared at him with blank eyes. "You fucking took her from me- you know you did." John pressed a finger into Tommy's shoulder. "Why can't you let me have what I want- for once in my life? You're my bloody brother!" John felt himself getting angry.

Tommy looked away. "Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in the name of love."

John looked at him with fury. "You don't fucking love her! You never will. And that's not right. She deserves a man who will love her and her kid, Tom. And I love her.. me. Not you." John hissed. "But once again you've take away someone that I love."

"You fall in love too easily." Tommy shook his head.

"How could you not? Valerie is everything i've ever wanted, Tommy. And you'll never love her like I do." He said, his voice shaking slightly. Tommy let out a pathetic laugh that only angered John further.

Instead of acting out rationally, he pushed away from the table and stormed out to the front of the pub.

"Right, I love you but i'm going to have to head back. Alfie will not be happy with me if I stay out any longer." Maria held her friend by the arms. Valerie just nodded and walked her to the doors. "Thank you for coming today, Maria." She said honestly as they pushed the doors open.

"Of course!" Maria said cheerily, giving her a hug before splitting off. "Goodnight Val!" Her voice echoed as she walked into the darkness.

Valerie saw John leaning against the wall and she crossed her arms. "The party is inside.." she said quietly, trying to read his mood. John sniffed and shrugged. "Yeah well I needed a minute." He said honestly.

She nodded slowly and stepped closer. "I briefly met Esme. She seems nice."

"She's not you." He said bluntly which caused her to frown. "Excuse me?" Valerie asked. John locked eyes with her. "It's not the same with her. It'll never be the same because I want you." He said. His words were slurring together slightly which was the give away that he was tipsy.

Valerie, already being drunk, automatically felt sympathy toward him. "John it's out of our control now. You and I both know that." She said softly.

"I know." He snapped. "And that's the part I fucking hate the most." He shook his head. Valerie let out a breath and shivered slightly. "Please come inside."

"I can't look at Tommy. If I do i'll bloody hit him." John admitted.

Valerie tried not to laugh. "Then at least go home. I'll even walk you." She offered. "It's your wedding night, Val. You need to stay." He refused. Valerie pursed her lips together. "I'd rather talk to you.." she said without thinking, the alcohol talking for her.

John faced her. "It's so hard to hate you Valerie." He shook his head. "I'm trying so hard to hate you in hopes it would make things feel better but I can't do it." He said.

"I don't hate you because I don't want to hate you." She responded. "I'll never hate you because it wasn't you who chose to marry Esme." She added.

And all of a sudden she felt John wrap his arms around her waist and lean his head on her shoulder, hugging her tightly. She paused for a moment and slowly wrapped her arms around the back of his neck. The warmth from his body was comforting. "John.." she muttered.

He said nothing. "I've never felt this way about no one." He admitted. "Not even Lizzie." He said. They kept a hold of each other.

"John we can't keep doing this." She paused. "These.. confessions. It'll only make things worse."

"I know- I know." John pulled away and nodded. He shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at his feet. "I can't stay away from you, Valerie." He whispered.

She just looked at him, completely taken aback. And instead of responding, she leaned up and kissed his cheek for a brief moment. "Please come back inside or go home. It's getting cold out." She stepped back.

He took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll er.. i'm going to go home. Congratulations on the wedding, Valerie. I hope you can be happy with him." John said in a forced sincere tone. She nodded once and watched him walk away.

Every time she thought it was over between them, they found themselves in a similar situation where one of them was confessing something to the other. Or lashing out. And Valerie knew it needed to stop.

"What're you doing out here?" Tommy asked from behind as he left the pub for a smoke. She hummed and moved out of his way. "Just needed a minute." She lied. Tommy nodded and lit his cigarette. He wasn't stupid. Tommy had seen them both leave the pub. "You haven't seen John have you?" he asked.

She shook her head. "No, not seen him. He must've gone home."

Tommy wrapped an arm across her shoulders and pulled her closer. He needed to at least try and feel something for her. "You shouldn't be out here. It's cold." Tommy explained.

She shrugged. "I'm fine."

"If you say so." Tommy blew smoke into the air.

That night left both John and Valerie deep in thought. They both lay staring at the ceiling wondering about if they'd ever end up together again. Tommy lay fast asleep beside Valerie facing away from her. He wasn't John. He'd never be John. She was going to have to accept that.

For now..

©-shelbysecret-

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Authors Note:

-short chapter as i didn't plan on writing their wedding.

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