WARNING: mention of self-harm, suicide attempt and drugs !!

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Now I'm standing on the edge
With nowhere to go
This is how it feels, this is how it feels
How it feels to be lost
Lost

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SAN

Almost two weeks have passed by since Yeosang started working at the night club. So far, San has tried to avoid the younger as much as possible, and to his relief it seems like Yeosang is doing the very same.

It's New Year's Eve and San is done with work for the night, now sitting on the opposite side of the bar with his tongue down the throat of some random girl. She has told him her name earlier but he's too drunk to remember, and honestly he doesn't really give a shit anyway. Her long nails are digging into the skin of his neck as they make out, and she eagerly grinds her body against his.

"I need to go to the bathroom," the girl says, practically gasping for air when they break the kiss. "I'll be right back!"

San watches her as she struts her way through the crowd. He could take her home right away, hell, he could just follow her to the bathroom and fuck her right there. But for some unknown reason he doesn't really feel like it. Maybe because it would be too easy...

"So, are you coming to the party at The Plaza?" a sweet, very familiar voice suddenly asks next to him.

When turning his head to look to the left, San's eyes meets the face of the most beautiful girl he knows. Nana, one of the VIP hostesses at the night club. It's only been a couple of months since he used to fool around with her, she has been the only one San has ever hooked up with more than once. But as soon as he started to suspect she was having feelings for him, he had to end it. Of course. Nana is a special girl, but something was still missing.

"Some of the guys have rented a suite there. Jennie and I are leaving in like five," Nana adds when San doesn't reply right away.

"I don't know..." San mumbles drunkenly, trying to adjust his shirt which the girl from before has almost ripped open.

"You can bring her, or... Whatever," Nana flips her hair back over her shoulder and couldn't possible sound any less enthusiastic about the girl San was making out with only a minute ago.

Their eyes meet and it's so hard for San to not eat her up with his eyes alone. She looks truly amazing dressed in a red dress with a low v-cut and matching red lipstick. As she is standing there, no one compares to her, especially not the random girl whose name he's forgotten.

"Nah, fuck her!" he laughs and stumbles down from the bar stool.

"Alright," Nana smiles satisfied, "can you ask Yeosang too? Jennie's kinda got a thing for him, so..."

"What? Why?" San frowns.

"Because he's really hot!" Nana states like it's the most obvious thing ever.

"Clearly she hasn't talked enough with him then, He's annoying as fuck."

"I'm pretty sure she isn't planning on talking much anyway. Just ask him, okay?"

"Fine..."

✧

"Do you want one?" Jay looks up at San whose eyes are staring at the white lines all lined up and ready on the coffee table between them, right in the middle of the suite.

San feels a bit uneasy by the sight, even though he's seen before it too many times before. Actually he and Jay have often gotten fucked up together. But that was before, and San had promised himself not to fall back into that hole again. Jay makes a few loud sniffs before looking up at San again.

"No thanks bro, you know I don't do that shit anymore," San struggles to say it out loud, as temptation is tapping him on the shoulder.

"Come on, man. It's New Year's. One won't hurt you!" Jay laughs and holds the thin metal tube out towards San.

San bites his lower lip while staring at the shiny metal tube. He has sworn to himself he wouldn't do this again, ever. Not after what happened last time. But in his endless chase of wanting to let his soul feel free, just for a short moment, it doesn't take more for him to cave in.

"Just one then..." he mumbles.

Soon the white line is gone up his nose and he leans his back against the couch behind him, with a satisfied look on his face. The music is loud and every beat is flowing through his body. Jennie is dancing with Yeosang next to the couch, or it's more like she is dancing up against him and he is looking rather uncomfortable. San bursts out laughing by the sight of it, it might be the most awkward and hilarious thing he's ever seen.

"What about the newbie?" Jay asks, gesturing towards Yeosang. "Hey! Newbie! Come here!" he shouts before San can even react.

"You want one?" Jay looks at Yeosang who is now standing on the other side of the coffee table.

"No. He doesn't do things like that," San suddenly hears himself cut in, sounding more degrading than he actually meant to.

"Mind your own business, San," Yeosang snorts before sitting down in front of the table. He glares at San while accepting the tube from Jay's hand.

"Whatever..." San immediately gets up from the floor and walks away with fast steps. Something about Yeosang wanting to do that made him feel weird. It's not like he cares about that guy, or what he chooses to do with his life. But still, it just didn't seem right.

"Happy New Year everyone! The party has arrived!" a voice suddenly shouts from the door.

"Felix!" San shouts back, rushing to the door to hug Felix with his entire body.

"Sannie! Are you high?" Felix laughs. He's never been one to judge anyone, even though he'd never do such a thing as drugs himself. San just grins as the two of them search for a place to sit down.

Felix has brought two cigars and hands one to San while complaining about Hyunjin missing out on the party since he's out of town to visit his family for New Year's.

"Fucking hell that is gross!" Felix complains and coughs a few times. Neither of them actually enjoys, or really knows how to smoke cigars. Lots of cigarettes, yes, but cigars? No.

"But hey! It looks fancy!" San laughs, "and it's New Year's!"

"True! But what would you say if I go grab us something to drink instead?" Before San can answer him, Felix has grabbed the cigars and disappeared to find some alcohol instead.

While waiting for him to come back, San just scouts the room. The guys from work have invited a lot of pretty girls tonight, and San definitely enjoys the view of hot bodies swaying to the music. In the far corner he can see Yeosang being surrounded by several girls. But Yeosang himself doesn't seem all that interested in any of them, and when taking a closer look he almost looks like a scared animal being cornered by wild predators.

"What the hell is up with that guy?" San mumbles to himself with a frown.

Felix finally returns with two glasses in his hands and hands one of them to San, who looks skeptically at the funky colored mixture.

"What the fuck is this shit?" San bursts out at first sip, about to spit it back into the glass.

"Hey! I'm a DJ, not a bartender, so shut the fuck up!" Felix says offended, but laughs just after.

"So? You do have the ability to taste things, don't you?" San frowns, but ends up taking another sip. No reason to ever waste alcohol.

✧

San has soon completely lost focus. He has no idea of how much he's been drinking by now but it has been way too much. He staggers towards the bathroom with his legs feeling like jelly underneath him. While locking the door behind him, he curses himself for doing that damn line of coke earlier. His will-power sure is non-existent.

The reflection that meets him in the mirror is staring at him like a ghost of a person he doesn't even recognize anymore. His eyes look dead and his face almost hollow.

With a shaking hand he turns on the water tap just to watch the water disappear down the drain, wishing he could disappear with it. Slowly, he rolls his sleeves up to splash some water in his face, hoping it will help him wake up a bit more. After drying his face with the back of his hand, his eyes meet the thing that he hates the most on his body.

The two long scars that are running down his lower arm are screaming at his face, reminding him why they are there. He bites his lower lip, fighting to hold the tears back as the images of what happened that night flashes before his eyes.

The reminder of the pain hits him like a giant wave. Not the pain from what he did to himself, but pain of the feelings and thoughts he had had as it happened. The self-hatred that had taken over him, causing him to do this stupid thing.

He remembers every hurtful thought, even after eight years they still haunt him. He remembers how lost he had felt, how empty and worthless. He had hurt himself before, many times, but this time was different. Like a voice in his head, taunting him, alluring him into endless darkness.

The blade was running against his skin, slowly breaking through it, letting the first drops of blood peep out. The second cut was deeper, and the third even more. He didn't even feel the pain, even when slicing his frail skin continuously in the same spot.

Soon the blood was streaming down his arm, dripping onto the bathroom tiles, leaving a pool at his feet. He remembers how the sound of the dripping blood had been the only sound, echoing through his ears as the pool on the grey tiles only grew bigger and bigger.

He remembers how his body had started to tremble only to feel completely numb seconds later. After that, everything happened in short glimpses; his mother's horrified screams and the flashing lights from the ambulance.

Surviving something like that should probably have made him appreciate life a bit more, but it ended up the exact opposite. For every day that went by, he fell deeper and deeper into a black hole of despair and even surrounded by people he still felt all alone, misunderstood.

As if his family didn't hate him before, that night sure was the last nail in the coffin. If only it had been actually just that.

And so, he started to build the walls around him which are still standing strong after this many years. To protect himself, to push people away.

"What have you become?" he whispers to himself, well aware that he doesn't know the answer. And even if he was able to figure it out, he wouldn't want to know.

San takes a last, painful look at himself in the mirror before leaving the bathroom again.

On his way through the suite he grabs and unopened bottle of Belvedere before heading towards the balcony. He slams his tired body down on a bench outside on the shielded balcony and starts drinking the vodka straight from the bottle. The only thing he wants right now is to kill the growing pain inside of him.

✧

San has no clue of how long he's been sitting outside; it might have been five minutes, and it might have been one hour. He has no idea. If he wasn't this drunk he'd probably be freezing his ass off by now, and he'll probably catch a cold or something worse than that. He'll find out tomorrow.

The door suddenly opens and a hand roughly shakes his shoulder.

"What the hell are you doing out here?" Seonghwa asks, looking at San from the door.

"Just fuck off, Seonghwa," San mumbles, instantly annoyed by Seonghwa's presence.

"Would love to, but Nana sent me out here. The newbie seems kind of fucked up," Seonghwa continues, as if San should care about that.

"Well, what else is new?" San says with a shrug, taking another sip from the Vodka bottle.

"No, I mean, I think he's had too much."

"So? Why the fuck should I care?"

"Isn't he like your responsibility?"

"Yes, at work. Are we at work right now, smartass?"

"Just go check up on him, for fuck's sake!" Seonghwa sighs with a hard push against San's shoulder.

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♫ Sleeping with Sirens - How it feels to be lost