_______________________

Just the fact
That we were in love
No matter how much time passes
I'll remember

_______________________

SAN

The days feel like years, and San is convinced he could've stared a hole in the wall from the endless amount of times he has been staring at it. By now his mind is slowly starting to come together again, and so is his body. The pain, the cravings, the tears and the frustrated outbursts have all calmed down. Instead he just feels... Empty.

Inside of him is a big void that can't be closed, nor filled up - not since Yeosang left his side. He understood, and still understands, why things turned out the way they did, he knows it was for the best. But that doesn't mean it hurts any less.

As time passes by, his memories with Yeosang start to fade. Not much, but he has noticed the difference. He might soon have forgotten how the younger's touch felt against his skin, how the brown eyes sparkled when they looked at him, and how the smooth voice would purr into his ear when they were lying in bed. But one thing is still clear in his memory; he loves Yeosang with all of his heart, and he will do anything to get him back.

The 90 days of his time in the rehab facility are coming to an end, but the life that is waiting for him on the other side is scaring him to death. Hyunjin and Felix have both been visiting him as much as they could, which warmed the heart in his chest that otherwise felt so cold.

Not a single day has gone by without him thinking about Yeosang. Without any access to the internet, San has been unable to keep track of what the younger is doing, but maybe that is all for the better anyway - although it has been killing him on the inside, to live in the unknown. Despite that, he has kept that particular name silent when his friends have visited - and so have they.

Leaving a life that seemed like an endless party, getting wasted almost every single day and sleeping with anyone he wanted - sitting in the silence of this small room was something San never thought he'd get used to. But somehow, he has ended up enjoying the silence. The calmness. Even the group sessions he was forced to attend had become rather pleasant in the end, and the solidarity he felt has taught him he wasn't alone.

"Are you ready?" Hyunjin asks, the day he has come to pick San up and bring him home.

San nods slowly, yanking the strap of his shoulder bag before following Hyunjin to the bus stop.

"Thanks for picking me up," he silently mutters, as he walks behind his friend.

"Of course! That's what's friends are for!" Hyunjin takes a step back, to walk besides San, putting his arm around him as they walk down the street.

The autumn wind calmly stroking San's cheeks, and he looks up at the sun shining through the orange leaves of the trees towering around them.

San smiles, peeking at Hyunjin who is busy talking about how awesome it's going to be for the two of them to live together. Yes, Hyunjin is indeed the best friend anyone could ask for, even finding a bigger place to live in, so that he and San can live together as he doesn't want San to live alone when he comes home.

"But I have to warn you!" Hyunjin says, nudging his head against San's, "Felix will be there, a lot! He's already been there almost every day, and he is eating all my food!"  

They meet each other in a laugh, but both know the happiness is fragile - and it is said without words in the look they share. Hyunjin gives San's shoulder a little squeeze before letting go, as they get on the bus. With a last glance back at the place that San has called his 'home' the last couple of months, he lets out a sigh. He is ready to start a new life.

✦

One month later, San finds himself staring at the facade of the small building in front of him. On the second floor, between a Korean BBQ restaurant and a cat café, is a bookstore - his new work place. Hyunjin helped him get this job, as he knew one of the owners from his high-school days.

His steps resound as he walks up the stairs, and the further he gets - the weirder it seems that this will be his new job, something so opposite from his old one. As he opens the door, a little bell above it rings and it startles him.

Almost falling over his own feet, San stumbles into the book store, which to his relief is quite empty as it's getting late already. Behind the register counter is a guy, busy unpacking some comic books. San guesses that the guy is around the same age as himself, although the outfit of a beige sweater vest over a brown shirt could say otherwise. He is tall, with brown fluffy hair and a very gentle look to him.

"H-Hi, excuse me, I'm Choi San..." San says as he walks towards him, surprised how nervous he ends up sounding.

"Oh, hi! I'm Yunho! Nice to meet you," the taller guy says with a bright smile. "Welcome! I've been looking forward to meeting you!"

The unexpected nervousness that had built itself up, has soon disappeared again. Yunho must be the definition of kindness, and he patiently shows San how to do the same tasks several times without any complaints.

"So, any plans for tonight?" Yunho asks, as he is closing the register.

"Not really, just chilling at home I guess... What about you?" A small shrug falls from San's shoulders. Although he somehow feels relieved not having to worry about being hungover tomorrow, he wonders if he'll ever actually get used to not going out and getting completely hammered - it is a Friday evening after all, and he can feel how his old self is trying to break free inside of him. But he has to stay strong.

"I'm having dinner with my boyfriend!" Happiness shines from both Yunho's eyes and the big smile on his face, as he says the word boyfriend.

"Oh, that sounds lovely," San smiles, his own heart falling at the same word.

"Yeah..." Yunho nods, his cheeks blushing slightly but the smile doesn't fade at all, "Well, it's still pretty new so... Mingi has been a little concerned about getting into the official term of being boyfriends. He had only dated girls before he met me... Is there anyone special in your life?"

San sucks his lower lip in, chewing it lightly as Yunho's question repeats itself in his mind.

"There used to be..." he quietly mumbles, drawing circles on the counter with his index finger.

"Oh! I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to pry!" Yunho almost jumps backwards, his hand held up in front of him.

"No, don't worry," San laughs, although a bit nervously, "To be honest, I don't know what we are at this point. We... We've been apart for quite some time now..."

"Well, if it's meant to be, you'll find each other again."

"I sure hope so... Because I miss him so terribly much..."

✦

Wintertime comes and goes, for some with the blink of an eye, but to San every day is dragging on, endless. Work is great, but it can't fill the emptiness inside of him, at this point he isn't sure what actually can. New Year's was especially hard to get through, thinking back on how he used to go completely apeshit crazy every other year. But this time he went with Hyunjin to his parents' place - which was nice, but so different from what San is used to.

But the hardest part, was remembering how last New Year's was when he kissed Yeosang for the very first time. He might have been wasted way beyond his own limit, they both were, but he will always remember that kiss.

San wonders if Yeosang thinks about him too, if he misses him as well. But neither of them have tried contacting each other, and San is scared to do so - one, because he isn't sure if he should take the first step or not, and two, because he deep down fears he isn't ready yet. And this time, he swears to God, he needs to be absolutely certain that he won't break the younger's heart again.

Spring arrives, carrying hope in its arms, painting it all over the city in a scenery of green and with sunshine from above. San does the same in his own way, with flowers in his hands he visits Sana's grave, this time without any disturbances. He tells her everything about his life after she left, and he lets silent tears fall, as his fingers run down the cold stone in front of him.

A ray of sunshine suddenly hits his face, and he slowly dries the tears away. With a soft smile, he looks at the sky, the sun embracing him and the smile on his face grows bigger. When he silently mouths the words 'I love you too', a long sigh leaves his body - and he finally feels like he is ready to move on from the pain.

✦

The sound of music and people talking is flowing through the open window. It's a Saturday night, Hyunjin is at work, and San is sulking at home - finally able to relax his face after several forced smiles to get Hyunjin out the door. The concern is almost smothering by now, although San appreciates his friend's efforts, Hyunjin can't put his life on hold for him.

While sitting at home, watching k-dramas and drinking sodas aren't exactly how San had imagined his Saturday nights to be, he doesn't really care at this point. Some dramas even turn out to be quite entertaining, but the loneliness that is sitting next to him on the couch is killing him.

He spins the phone around, until he can't hold back any longer. With shaking hands he gives in and unlocks it. The minutes it takes him to download the Instagram app, and make a new account, as he had decided to delete every social media before going into rehab, feels like hours.

Yeosang hasn't been very active on his profile, but when San taps onto the tagged photos, a whole stream shows up in front of his eyes. The younger has been tagged in several photos with his friends back home in London, most of them with Wendy, but also a lot with only him and another guy. A guy with dark red hair and a kind smile.

Not jumping to conclusions is a struggle, and San scrolls up and down past the same photos a million times. Maybe it's just a friend, it probably is... Of course it is. Right? But he sure has tagged Yeosang in a lot of photos.

A bittersweet smile briefly touches his face, his phone being thrown to the other end of the couch, only to be picked up again to repeat what he did one minute ago. Seeing Yeosang's face again, although only through photos, is lighting a spark in his heart - and San knows for sure that he never stopped loving him, not even one bit.

At the same time it just hurts, like someone is squeezing his heart with all of their might. Because the scary reality that Yeosang might have moved on from him, is right there in his hands. Several months have passed by already, and San wouldn't blame him for moving on. He knows he hurt the younger too many times, and the last one being the worst of them all. If Yeosang has come to the conclusion that they weren't meant to be after all, San will have to live with that - it was his own fault after all.

But in the silence lies hope. For now...

✦

"San? San!... Yo, Choi!" Hyunjin's voice cuts through San's thoughts, and every cosy sound of the coffee house they are sitting in.

"What?" San sighs, finally looking over the top of the phone clenched in his hand, to see Hyunjin glaring at him for not replying sooner.

"Put that phone away," Felix chimes in, shaking his head at the same time, "It's not good for you man!"

"I'm not... I'm not doing anything!"

While Felix only raises a brow, returning to his cappuccino, Hyunjin isn't as easy to shake off.

"Really? Let me see then!" he says, practically crawling onto San, who frantically tries to hide his phone with his hands.

In the end Hyunjin wins, and he and Felix have barely looked at the screen before their eyes are darting to San with a worried, but also slightly judgmental look. Both of their heads tilting in the same direction at the same time.

"You promised you wouldn't do that again," Felix sighs, "Remember what we agreed on? If you stalked Yeosang's profile again, you'd have to delete your account!"

"I'll just make a new one," San mumbles, snatching his phone back just to look at the photo one more time.

Hyunjin looks like he's about to complain, but he sticks with smacking his lips a few times and just looking at San with weary eyes.

"Why are we even here?" San then asks, trying to change the subject.

"Well... There is someone who wants to meet with you," Hyunjin starts off, instantly raising his hand as a sign for San not to get too excited, "But! It's not who you think it is, so... Don't get your hopes up. Okay?"

San nods, his heart dropping in his chest, of course it isn't Yeosang. Why would it be? But besides him, San can't think of who it could possibly be. A strange feeling of strong anxiousness unfolds inside of him, and when he slowly turns his head, his eyes widen up in surprise.

"Hi, San..."

____________________

♫DAY6 - I'll remember

A/N: I'm putting this in the a/n, because I edited this chapter so many times and still couldn't make this part seem right. But, if I failed to make it clear - San doesn't want to contact Yeosang, because he fears he isn't ready to do it yet; like his recovery is only shallow and he also wants to give Yeosang time and space to figure his own stuff out.

IDK, maybe I'll go back and edit this chapter later on, when my brain is actually working ><;