❝The influence of a mother in the lives of her children is beyond calculation.❞

JAMES E. FAUST

✩

1.9 : mother's love

OR

season 4, episode 7 : memoriam (ctd.)

HUMAN BEINGS ARE STRANGE. THEY TALK FOREVER ABOUT THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER, BUT WHEN SOMETHING HAPPENS AND THEY SHOULD TALK ABOUT IT, THEY DON'T. They clam up and pretend like everything's fine.

Of course, Fin can't judge, since she practically invented the phrase "I'm fine". But she never pictured Spencer as that type. He hasn't said a word to anyone once they got on the plane, just keeps staring out the window, chin resting on his closed fist.

Morgan thinks he can beat her at Serial Killer Scrabble (horrible idea, really), but neither of them are really paying attention, and Fin can't help but miss Spencer's out-of-nowhere words like "ulama". Morgan just keeps finding new references to sex.

"Derek, no names," she mumbles tiredly, as he attempts to spell 'Tupac' across her 'unto'.

"Tupac's a lifestyle, mama, not just a name."

"Is he a serial killer?"

Morgan rolls his eyes. "Fine. Killjoy." And he rearranges his letters to spell 'pagan'.

Fin's eyes drift up to Spencer again. She remembers how he looked after they went to the hypnotherapist: wild, eyes darting around...

"I need you to leave this location now, Spencer," Dr. Mohikian says, wincing as Spencer grips her wrist tightly. He's asleep-but it's not normal sleep, and he won't wake up.

"Damn it, wake him up!" Rossi drops to his knees beside the couch, his tone slightly panicked. Fin slides out of her own chair and leans close to Spencer, biting her lip nervously. He's shaking and muttering, which means whatever he's seeing now is going to be way worse when he wakes up.

"I'm going to count backward from five," Dr. Mohikian says, her voice clear and strong despite the fact that Spencer has a death grip on her hand. "Five, four, three, two, one...and WAKE!"

Spencer's eyes fly open, darting around wildly, and he's panicking, Fin realizes. Unfamiliar surroundings can send hypnotised patients into a panic attack if they're not grounded... She read that somewhere.

Before Rossi can do anything, she leans forward and grabs Spencer's hand tightly, forcing him to look at her. "Spencer! Spencer, it's okay. It's okay. I'm right here."

His eyes land on her, his breathing slows, and Fin gives him a shaky smile. "Hey, Doc-"

Then his arms are around her and his face is buried in her shoulder and he's trembling there on the carpet, apparently unaware that Rossi and Dr. Mohikian are still in the room.

"Hey, it's okay." Fin's acutely aware of every single place he's touching her and she wills her brain-well, not just her brain, if she's being honest-to calm the hell down. "What happened?"

"My dad was burning bloody clothes," he whispers into her shoulder. Fin makes eye contact with Rossi, and they share a look of concern. This isn't going to get easier.

"'Noir'?" Morgan chuckles, his eyes on Fin's latest word. "Okay, then."

Fin shifts in her chair, not fully paying attention to Morgan shuffling his tiles. She definitely remembers the way Spencer reached for her hand in the car on the way to meet his mom, and then when he realized what happened.

"Look, Spencer, I didn't ask Rossi to make me come with you." Fin hates when Spencer's in a mood. "So please stop acting like a child about this. Seriously, what is so bad about me meeting your mo-?"

Spencer slams on the brakes with an icy coldness in his eyes that makes Fin shiver. They're at a stoplight, but it isn't like him to act like this, to slam on the brakes like he's angry. Fin feels guilty now for asking and she's not sure why.

The light turns green, but Spencer doesn't immediately move. His eyes are unfocused, and it's a few tense seconds before Fin dares to say, "The light's green," and he snaps back into focus, pulling forward with that same cool stare.

And then, out of nowhere, he sighs through his nose and mutters, "Shit."

Spencer doesn't often curse, and it gets Fin's attention. But she has a gut feeling that she shouldn't say anything, so she just sits up straighter and watches him.

"My mom... She's a paranoid schizophrenic." Spencer says this last part quickly, like he couldn't wait to get it out. "She lives in a sanitarium. Happy?"

"Are you actually asking if I'm happy that your mom's a schizophrenic?" Fin can't believe this shithead. "God, Spencer, what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't ask you to tell me!"

"Yeah, and I didn't ask for you to be here, digging into my family's shitty history, but here we are!"

"You really think that's what this is about." Fin's so incredibly angry, she laughs. "You really think I stayed in Vegas because I wanted the tea on your parents, and not because I li-not because you're my friend?"

Spencer's breathing hard, and he just stares at her for a second, then slams his hand against the steering wheel. "Shit."

And all of Fin's anger dissipates when she looks back at him. He looks pitiful, biting his lip like he's about to cry, knuckles white on the steering wheel. "Why are we arguing?" she asks quietly.

"I don't know," he whispers. "I'm sorry."

"No, it's not your fault. I pressed it, and I shouldn't have-"

"No." Spencer shakes his head vigorously. "I should have just told you. You were going to find out anyway and I was just being a-a-"

"A dick?" Fin finishes, grinning over at him.

"Yeah." He chuckles in a relieved sort of way, then his smile disappears. "I just... This isn't how I ever imagined you meeting my mom, you know? Or my dad."

The butterflies beat against Fin's ribs ticklishly. "I get it. But I was never going to laugh. Or make fun of you."

"I know."

And he reaches across the console and intertwines their fingers almost casually, familiarly. The butterflies are more insistent. Fin stares at him.

Spencer frowns at her, then down at their hands, and then he yelps and yanks his hand away like he's been burned. It's the most out-of-pocket thing, and Fin bursts out laughing, and eventually he does, too, and it's all okay. Sort of.

'Toes' was Morgan's word, and Fin looks back at the table in front of them. She's so tired, they could be in Greek for all she knows. But she forces herself to spell 'Gacy' off of 'pagan' and Morgan shakes his head defeatedly. "Damn. That's impressive."

"Bow before me, peasant." Fin grins at him, but halfheartedly. She's remembering-against her will-the moment when Spencer's mother Diana had a psychotic episode when Spencer tried to get her to remember the bloody clothes.

And then the way his face changed when Rossi told him Gary Michaels was dead. The way his eyes widened when the fingerprint off of Michaels' glasses turned out to belong to Riley Jenkins' father.

And Fin wishes she could forget watching him through the window as Diana told him the whole story. Michaels had approached Spencer once, she was uncomfortable and told Mr. Jenkins. And one night he asked her to meet him, and then disappeared into the house that belonged to Gary Michaels. And she went inside after him.

And William Reid was just protecting his wife.

And his son.

Spencer hasn't stopped looking guilty since then.

Morgan's napping now, leaning against the window, and Rossi's reading a book. Spencer's still staring out that window, but Fin doesn't think he's seeing anything.

And then they land, and there's an SUV waiting for them. Spencer and Fin ride together to the hospital, silent the whole way, and the woman at the front desk tells them room 304, and the elevator ride is silent, too.

The door to JJ's room is open, and there are voices and laughter echoing from it. Spencer looks hesitant suddenly, nervous, and Fin touches his elbow gently. "Go in."

"Come with me."

It's not a question, not a request. It reminds her of Patrick from 10 Things I Hate About You, the way he asks Kat without asking, the quiet confidence he had. It's not very Spencer to her, but she doesn't mind. Or at least, the butterflies don't.

Spencer knocks softly on the door. "Is there room for two more in here?" he asks, smiling.

JJ looks over at them and smiles. "Spence, Fin. Hi." She looks exhausted, but she's glowing in the way all new mothers glow, and it's like the baby in her arms is an extension of her. Fin can't believe she wasn't a mom before now, it looks so natural.

"Welcome back," Hotch says, nodding to the pair of them.

"It's good to be back," Fin replies, and she means it.

Emily and Penelope hurry over to hug her, but Spencer goes straight to JJ's bedside, staring down, almost incredulously, at the tiny baby in her arms. "Wow," he breathes, and then turns to Will, who looks almost as exhausted as JJ. "Congratulations."

"Thank you." Will shakes his hand, grinning widely. He's glowing, too.

Fin curls up at the end of JJ's bed when Penelope finally lets go, smiling happily. "Congratulations, J-Bear. He's perfect."

JJ nods in agreement. "He's perfect." Then she looks up at Spencer, a goofy grin on her face. "How is it that I just went through fifteen hours of labor and you look worse than I do?"

"Don't be ridiculous," Spencer replies, shoving his hands in his pockets. "You look beautiful."

"Yeah, Jaj, you're glowing." Fin couldn't agree more with Spencer; JJ's always beautiful.

She just smiles, and then shares a knowing look with Will. He nods and turns to the rest of the group. "Well, I could sure use some coffee. Anyone else?"

Hotch smiles-Fin almost falls off the bed backwards in shock-and nods. "Sure."

"My treat," Will adds, and then Emily and Penelope follow him and Hotch out the door.

When they're all gone, JJ looks up at Spencer. "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. You?"

"Yeah." She rocks the baby back and forth in her arms, glancing between Spencer and Fin. "You sure? Because there's something I need to ask you-both of you-but it can wait."

"What is it?" Fin and Spencer say in unison, and then they both laugh quietly.

"Will and I were talking, and um..." JJ pauses, bites her lip, and then says, "We want you to be Henry's godparents."

"What?" Fin's jaw drops. "You're kidding!"

"Nope." JJ laughs softly. "We love you both, and there's no one we'd rather have Henry look up to than you two. Well, and Garcia."

Fin's eyes sting and her throat is strangely tight, so she just watches Spencer stumble over his own words with a watery smile.

"Here, do you want to hold him?" JJ asks.

"Um..." Spencer's speechless, and Fin laughs at the expression on his face.

"It's okay." JJ lifts Henry into his arms carefully. "Here you go."

"Watch his head, Spencer." Fin scoots closer to him so she can help adjust Henry, but Spencer's actually pretty good at this.

"Hi," he breathes, looking incredulously down at the baby in his arms. "Hello, Henry."

"Did Garcia tell you his full name on the phone?" JJ asks Fin, a crooked grin on her face.

"No." Fin frowns at her. Something's up. "Why, is it something really stupid?"

"I don't know, you tell me. He's Henry Sky LaMontagne."

Oh, my god. It hits both Fin and Spencer at the same time. They had a conversation about this months ago, and Spencer suggested Henry, and Fin suggested-

"I thought you hated Sky!"

"You used Henry because I suggested it?"

"I did then, but I mentioned it to Will, and it grew on us. And yes, although it was on our list already." JJ reaches for Fin's hand and squeezes it. "So thank you for helping us name our first baby. And if anything should happen to us, it's up to you two and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale."

Spencer's mouth forms an O, and he grins. "Ooh, Yale. Yale? Do you want to go to Yale, Henry?"

Predictably, Henry doesn't say anything, but Fin's heart does. It's screaming at the sight of Spencer holding a baby in his arms.

"That was your godfather's safety school," Spencer continues, wearing the goofiest grin ever. "Don't worry," he whispers now, "I can get you into CalTech with one phone call."

Fin's smiling now, too, and she's so wrapped up in the moment, she doesn't even notice JJ's eyes flicking between them and the all-knowing smile on her lips.

✩

It's far too late to be screaming to "Mr. Brightside", but honestly, Fin doesn't even care. Her brakes squeal as she pulls into her apartment parking lot and the last chords of the song play right before she pulls the keys out of the ignition. "Ah, what a great night," she sighs, looking up at the sky, where there would be stars, if there wasn't so much light pollution.

Fin can't believe JJ named her son after her and Spencer, effectively. She also can't believe she's a godmother. It's surreal, being loved enough to be chosen as a godparent to a baby, and it's giving her the best emotional high.

Until she sees the flowers.

They're in a vase, right next to her door. There's no card, no note, but Fin doesn't need one.

Because there are only four people in the world who know that her favorite flowers are orange carnations.

One of them's in Mississippi.

One of them's in prison.

One is dead.

And one is her ex-boyfriend.

Who now lives in D.C.

Fin picks the flowers up, unlocks her door, and goes straight to the sink.

Where she burns the hell out of those damn flowers.

~

i am unnaturally proud of where this story is going

stick around bitches it only gets better