❝Memory is the diary we all carry about with us.❞

OSCAR WILDE

✩

1.1 : restless sleep

OR

season 4, episode 3 : minimal loss

BENJAMIN CYRUS, BORN JUNE 22, 1971. CULT LEADER, SELF-PROCLAIMED PROPHET, AND NOW ACCUSED RAPIST. And he reminds Fin way too much of her mother.

She's sitting at a table across from his fifteen-year-old wife, currently undercover as a CPS representative, trying to reason with this girl and figure out why in the world she married this creep.

"Jessica, you're fifteen years old," Spencer says from Fin's left. "The state of Colorado requires parental consent." He's slicked his hair back today; it's a new style he's tried out recently. Fin likes it; it reminds her of old photos she's seen of Elvis in the '50s, although Spencer's definitely not Elvis.

To Fin's right, Emily narrows her eyes at Jessica's mother, then says, "She gave consent."

And the door bursts open. Men with guns rush into the room, led by none other than Benjamin Cyrus, shouting at them to stand up. Fin looks up at Spencer, eyes wide, and he just shakes his head, telling her he has no idea what's going on.

The woman they came in with, a redheaded CPS agent worker named Nancy, frowns. "What's going on?"

A burly man with a bad buzzcut pats Spencer down, then moves to Fin. She closes her eyes tightly, trying to ignore the way his hands linger on her hips. Gross. Beside her, Spencer shifts his weight, but keeps his eyes on Cyrus.

"We just got a very strange phone call from a news reporter," Cyrus says quietly, although Fin can hear the menace in his voice. "Is there anything you want to tell me? About a raid, maybe?"

Emily's mouth drops open. Fin's shocked, too. There was nothing said to them about a raid.

Hotch stands up when he sees Emily, Fin, and Spencer in his doorway. "Come in. I have a special assignment for you three."

"What is it?" Fin asks, perching on the arm of the chair in front of his desk.

"There's a cult ranch in Colorado run by a man named Benjamin Cyrus. A 911 call was made a few days ago by a young girl, claiming to have been raped by him. CPS called us. Seems like this guy has a history of this type of thing. I want you three to go in, undercover as CPS workers, and find out if these claims are real."

"Is it safe? I mean, you remember Waco, right?" Emily asks, her eyebrows raised.

Fin definitely remembers Waco. In 1993, ATF raided a Branch Davidian compound, and the standoff afterward lasted 51 days. The FBI tried to intervene, but ultimately, they ended up burning the compound to the ground, killing seventy-six of the Davidians and wounding eleven. It was messy.

"This ranch doesn't have any weapons," Hotch replies. "I had Garcia check. You won't be taking any guns in, either. No weapons at all. This should be a peaceful investigation."

Yeah, bullshit, Hotch, Fin thinks as she's shoved down a hatch in the floor and through an underground tunnel. Spencer follows closely behind her, ducking his head to avoid hitting it.

"What's going on?" Nancy whispers ahead of them. Fin can hear her panicking, almost hyperventilating.

"I don't know," Spencer replies. "Just stay calm."

The tunnel seems to go on forever, and Fin's back is starting to ache from hunching over, but eventually, they come out into a concrete bunker. With all the women and children packed in together, it's hot and sweaty and way too tight. Fin feels closed in, her hands beginning to shake. Get it together, Fin. Get it together.

Cyrus directs them to move back, to keep going. Emily, Spencer, and Fin move down to the far end, and Fin's eyes land on long wooden boxes stacked against the wall, boxes that look like they hold- "Guns," she whispers to Emily and Spencer.

"Where did those come from?" Emily asks.

"I don't know," Spencer replies. His hand is warm on Fin's arm, pushing her back further. "Garcia checked with the state police."

"Well, clearly she didn't check hard enough." Fin wills her hands to stop shaking, her legs to move, but they won't.

Spencer looks down at her, his eyebrows knitted together in concern. She feels his gaze on her hands and pulls her sweater sleeves down over them, focusing on her breath. In for four seconds... Out for seven...

Cyrus is directing the women and children, pressing them together more tightly, which sends Fin's heart rate up. To her left, Nancy is shifting her weight from foot to foot anxiously. "This is ridiculous," she hisses at them, her eyes wide and scared.

"It's okay," Emily says reassuringly. "Just calm down."

Fingers tickle Fin's palm and she looks up, frowning, at Spencer. He shakes his head slightly. "It's okay. I won't let them touch you. We're gonna be okay." And then he laces his fingers with hers, pulling her back against his chest. Fin can hear his heartbeat thrumming quickly; he's scared, too. But he's breathing evenly, and she tries to match her breath to his. Slow, even, calm.

"All right," Cyrus says, voice raised. "Remain calm. Stay quiet. God will protect you." And then he and his henchman disappear up the stairs toward the surface.

They can hear muffled gunfire from up above, shouting, and what sounds like cops trying to break down a door. Spencer squeezes Fin's hand and doesn't let go. She squeezes back and leans her head back against his chest. Breathe. It's gonna be fine. Damn this claustrophobia.

"It's the state police," Nancy says, looking back at Emily. "I'm an officer of the state."

"Well, there's nothing we can do right now," Emily replies. Fin can hear the pleading in her voice, mixed with the calm.

"I can talk to him." Nancy sounds like she's trying to convince herself, too. She turns and pushes her way through the women and children, toward the stairs.

"No, you can't." Emily follows her, a little hesitantly. "It's dangerous."

But Nancy doesn't stop. Emily's almost running now. "Nancy, stop!"

She disappears up the stairs, but guards step in front of Emily when she tries to follow.

Fin closes her eyes and sighs. Damn it.

✩

They move Spencer, Emily, and Fin into a separate room, away from the women and children, and Fin can finally breathe easy, sitting on a bench next to Spencer. The gunfire stopped five minutes ago, but everyone is still on edge. Fin hasn't seen Nancy since she ran up the stairs, and a bad feeling is churning in her gut about it.

Cyrus and his henchman come hurrying down the stairs, talking about casualties as if Fin, Spencer, and Emily aren't there. Emily jumps up, biting her lip, waiting for Nancy. Spencer's leg presses against Fin's, his eyes on Cyrus.

"What about the baby?" Cyrus asks, stopping in his tracks.

Footsteps echo down the stairs and Jessica appears, carrying a little girl, maybe two or three, with blonde pigtails. "I have her. She was at the school."

"Oh, hello, darlin'," Cyrus says quietly, stroking the little girl's hair. "It's all gonna be alright, honey. Mommy and Daddy have gone to God." Then he looks up at Jessica, touches her hair softly. "It's all gonna be alright. Take her to the temple and pray."

Fin stands up, steps forward. She has to say something before Jessica leaves- "Jessica, stop-"

"Leave my wife alone!" Cyrus booms, spinning on his heel to face her, fury in his face immediately. "You are a stranger here! Sit down and be quiet!"

Fin chews her lip, eyes narrowed at him. She doesn't take orders from pedophiles. Well, he's an ephebophiliac, but still.

"He said sit!" barks Cyrus' righthand man, brandishing the rifle in his hand. Cole? Colman? Something.

"Fin, please, just do what he says," Spencer whispers, taking her hand in his and pulling her toward the bench. Reluctantly, Fin lets him pull her down, never taking her eyes away from Cyrus. I will not show fear.

Cyrus glares one last time at her, then turns to his henchman-Fin thinks it's Cole-and says, "Distribute weapons and ammo."

Emily closes her eyes, wincing. Spencer's leg once again presses into Fin's and his hand tightens around hers. Please, don't let this end up like Waco.

"I prayed this day would never come, but it has," Cyrus continues. He rests his hand on Cole's shoulder, in an almost fatherly way. "God will see us through."

"Where's Nancy?" Emily blurts, right as Cyrus and Cole begin their walk up the stairs.

Cyrus stops, turns, faces them. "I'm sorry." And then he disappears up the stairs.

Emily's jaw drops and she sinks down onto the bench across from Spencer and Fin, running a hand through her hair. Fin closes her eyes and leans back against the concrete wall. This is gonna be a lot harder than they thought.

Then a thought hits her. "They're not gonna know which of us is dead."

"What?" Spencer frowns.

"Spencer, we're all just CPS workers to them. If Cyrus says one of us died, then-"

"Oh, my god." Emily's mouth forms an 'O'. "They'll think one of us is dead."

"We have to figure out how to tell them-" Fin starts to stand up, but Spencer pulls her back down again. "God, Spencer, let go of me!"

But he doesn't. "Someone's already died trying to talk them down. I won't let you risk your life like that."

Damn you. "You're not my boss, Spencer." Fin glares at him. "The rest of our team is gonna think one of us is dead!"

"Better them think that than it actually be true," Spencer replies, eyes soft again. "Please-Just sit here, with us. Just wait."

All Fin wants to do is leap up and run up those stairs, shouting that they're safe, they're alive, because she knows the rest of their team is out there, they have to be- But Spencer's eyes are pleading, his hand warm in hers, so she sits, calmly, placidly, while the fire burns inside her. She hates this place. Cyrus reminds her of her mother.

"What time is it?" Fin asks Spencer after a while, stretching her arms out. It's uncomfortable, sitting on this bench against a concrete wall for hours and hours.

He checks his watch. "Uh, ten to eleven."

"We should probably sleep," Emily says, standing up and stretching her arms up over her head. "At least a little."

"There's no way in hell I'm getting any sleep on these benches," Fin scoffs, patting the hard wood sarcastically.

"No, there are some cots in the next room over," Emily replies, pointing behind Fin's head. "It's not like we're cuffed; they can't hurt us for wanting to sleep."

Spencer stands up and proffers his hand to Fin. She takes it, letting him help her stand, and together they walk into the next room. Sure enough, there are two cots directly across from each other. It's like the sight of a bed triggers something in Fin's brain; she's suddenly so exhausted her knees almost buckle.

Emily collapses onto the first cot, closing her eyes. "Oh, wow, this is more comfortable than it looks," she says, her eyes still shut.

Spencer's watching Fin out of the corner of his eye, almost shiftily. She tries not to laugh. "Spencer, what are you waiting for?"

"Nothing." But he's an awful liar.

"Are you concerned about the fact that there's only two beds?"

He doesn't reply, just avoids her gaze. You hit the nail on the head, Fin.

Fin purses her lips, trying not to smile. "You know, Spence, there's a few agents at the BAU who think you and Emily should be an item. You wanna make all their dreams come true?"

"Me and Emily?" Spencer whispers, looking horrorstruck. "Who?!"

"It would be the height of iniquity to reveal their identities, but there's quite a few people. It's like an ongoing war between them and the people who think you and JJ are madly in love."

"And next you're gonna tell me that someone put money on Morgan and I going out," Spencer replies sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

There isn't, but this is a fun opportunity to make Spencer really uncomfortable, which Fin can't pass up. So she just shifts her gaze to the ceiling. "Well...."

Spencer's jaw drops and Fin lets a giggle slip out. "I'm joking, I'm joking!" She plops down on the edge of the cot and pats the space beside her. "Come on, sleep."

"No, you go ahead," Spencer says, still looking put out that she tricked him. "I'll be fine."

Emily's already asleep and snoring quietly, limbs splayed all over the cot, so Fin feels no shame in saying any of this. "Spencer, don't be a prude. I have no problem sharing this sorry excuse for a bed with you. We both need sleep and unless you're a horse, you're not going to get any sleep standing up. Now come here."

Spencer looks like he wants to argue, but before he can say anything, he yawns widely, which seals the deal. Reluctantly, he lays down next to her, curling up awkwardly against the wall to give her as much room as he can.

Fin pulls the pins out of her hair, stuffing them in her pocket, and lays down next to him, her back almost touching his chest. It's cold down here in the bunker, but Spencer's warm and it's comforting to have someone so close, even if the bed is basically a glorified piece of plywood.

"Do you think we can do this?" she whispers, tilting her head back a little.

"Do what?" he whispers back.

"Get all of the women and children out before this gets any worse. Oh, and also not die."

Spencer sighs, his breath tickling her ear. "I hope so."

"You're just a ray of sunshine, aren't you, Dr. Reid?" A small smile crosses Fin's lips. She really loves teasing him.

Spencer yawns and she can feel him shake his head. "Just go to sleep."

It takes Fin far too long to fall asleep. She lies awake in the weak lamplight, listening to Emily's quiet snores and, eventually, Spencer's even breathing, hearing footsteps above them, wondering if another raid will happen in the middle of the night.

She dozes once or twice, only to be woken by Emily shifting on her cot or by a door opening upstairs. Once, she jerks awake, hand flying to her hip-you don't have a gun, idiot-only to realize that it's just Spencer. He's put his arm around her waist, pulled her in tight to his chest, his fingers resting loosely on her hip.

Fin smiles in the semi-darkness, looking down at his hand, feeling his breath on her neck. It's been a long time since she's been this close to someone, had someone touch her this way. She and Spencer are just friends, and she knows that he'll be mortified in the morning, but for now, she can enjoy the feeling of his thumb on her hipbone, his heart beating against her back.

And now, she finds that she can fall asleep.

~

awwww cuties

yes i know, i know, i said it would be a slow burn, but they're not dating yet! they're just friends... with the one bed trope.... and some platonic cuddling..... sorry i'm anxious to write the fluff hehe

also am i the only one that absolutely loved this episode? it's 100% in my top 20.

thank y'all so much for 600 reads!! that's so wild! also i saw on my stats that we have some south africans in the house ayooooo that's so cool

i love you all very much! be safe this week <3 love yourself and be kind to yourself

xx maia