Thomas POV

Have you ever woke up and just feeling that maybe it would be best to stay in bed? As if at the exact moment you touch the pavement with your feet, it will crumble to pieces or, like, swallow you, making you fall in a pit of dark desperation? No? Well, let me tell you this, it fucking sucks. If you remember where we left off you know what I'm talking about: the right moment I opened my eyes I wanted to stay in bed, and considering what happened that morning it would've certainly be the best course of action. Groaning I brought my hands on my face remembering what happened the night before...we kissed, I thought, but does she remember? Is she upset about it? Will she kill me? Then, realizing I would've never find out if I stayed on the bed, I got up and stretched my arms, yawning in the process. After that I headed upstairs, in Nadine's room, and found her still sleeping, well, more like snoring. Pointless to say, I found that the cutest thing ever: Nadine could manage to look both incredibly hot and stupidly cute, and I had no idea how the heck did she do that! I walked inside the room and sat on the bed beside her and gently caressed her face with the back of my fingers. So beautiful... I thought. I just wanted to kiss her again, but I couldn't, not when she kissed me while she was drunk, not when I didn't know if she remembered or even if she liked it as much as I did. When I noticed she was slightly shifting in her bed I understood that she was about to wake up, and since only a creep stares at a girl while she sleeps, I got up and exited the room. What? I wasn't staring! I was just...a-admiring...okay I was staring, now mind your own business! Anyway, as I was saying before your judging ass interrupted me, I exited her room and descended the stairs. I went inside the kitchen and poured myself a glass of fresh water to actually wake up, while also trying to keep my mind away from the image of Nadine and the taste of her lips on mine. After a few moments I heard a pair of footsteps behind me, so I turned around and saw Nadine with half closed eyes heading for the fridge, opening it, taking the juice, closing it, and pouring the liquid in a glass, then downing it in one go. I tried to keep my composure since she was standing right beside me, with those messed hair that, no matter what you tell me, were absolutely perfect for me. After a bit she mumbled to me

Nadine: "You're staring, creep."

'I love you'...don't worry, I said it in my head. Instead I answered

Thomas: "Well good morning to you too, sleeping beauty."

And she lazily flipped me off, which by the way hurt for the first time ever, but of course I didn't show it. A small, really tiny part of my brain was dying to know if she remembered kissing me, if she enjoyed it and her pride wasn't letting her admit it. So, while I was exchanging a few glances at her and then at the glass in front of me, I tentatively asked

Thomas: "So, do you...remember anything? From last night?"

I didn't have to wait that long for an answer, but those two/three seconds felt like two/three hours for me

Nadine: "Ugh...no. I swear I'm a mess when I drink a lot, I never remember a thing and the hangover is a bitch. Please tell me I didn't kiss some lame ass yesterday..."

And in that moment a part of my heart broke. Like, seriously. Something inside of me hurt after her answer. Maybe it was the fact that she didn't remember, maybe it was that she unconsciously called me a lame ass, maybe it was both. But I forced back the tears that were about to spill out, swallowed the huge lump I had in my throat and answered

Thomas: "Hm...well, I may or may not have seen you exchanging a few smooches with Mr. Adorable."

Imagining her with that guy, Arvin, Ermin...Erwin, was disgusting. And imagining her kissing another dude was hurting me even more, but I had to fake it well. Nadine looked at me and shook her head, confused

Nadine: "Who?"

I gave her a look and said

Thomas: "Oh, c'mon you know, that Erwin...something. I bet he never kissed a girl in his life."

Nadine: "Okay, first of all ew what the heck?! And second of all, technically you never did it either."

At that I stopped for a second, realizing that I indeed was a loser who had a stupid crush on a girl and that, because he waited for her for years, never actually kissed a girl...well, apart from Nadine, but she was drunk, so it doesn't count. Yeah, I said it, I was a loser. Why am I using the past tense? Because I'm a loser no more, but we'll get there another time. For now let's go back to the conversation. I turned to look at her and said

Thomas: "True, but I don't make it that obvious."

She side-eyed me and, sarcastically, said

Nadine: "Hmm...are you sure though?"

Then, of course, I took a banana and threw it at her, hitting her on the side of her face

Thomas: "Fuck you."

At that she widened her eyes and opened her mouth in shock while she touched the spot on her face the fruit collided with, then she said while also laughing

Nadine: "Stop throwing fruit at me!"

Then I smirked and, while checking in the fridge for something to cook for breakfast, said

Thomas: "You deserved it for being a brat."

Then for a few seconds no sound came from her. 'Maybe I exaggerated' I thought, then suddently I felt drenched. My face, neck, t-shirt, were wet. I looked down, then I understood, so I closed the fridge and slowly turned to look at Nadine, who had an empty glass in her hand and was biting her lip to suppress what I presumed was a huge laugh. I raised my eyebrow and said

Thomas: "Really?"

Then she laughed, hard, and then said with a baby voice

Nadine: "Oh I'm so sorry daddy, you want to punish me?"

'God...don't tempt me' I thought in my head. I was legitimately turned on by the other and not so family friendly implication behind those words. An implication that she didn't want to make to hit on me of course, since stupid Nick occupied her mind and her wet dreams, so don't overthink it too much guys. Between us, she can be very vocal in her sleep, so I know what I'm talking about. What? The three of us had sleepovers, I have a nice pair of ears, and the walls are very thin. Anyway, I showed again my smirk and answered

Thomas: "Oh, trust me dear...you wish I did."

Then the strangest thing happened: something flashed in her eyes. Something I couldn't put my finger on back then, something she covered with a laugh. Then, still with my wet hair sticking to my forehead, I took the hem of my shirt and lifted it above my head, removing the wet garment from me, then I slicked my hair back with my hand. Of course, since my hair wasn't that long, it was nothing like those silly commercials. Obviously what made it very different was also the fact that I didn't have a body to envy. I mean, I was lean, no fat, and had a slightly visible six pack, but to be clear I only had the muscle mass one could expect from a 17 year old, skinny teenager who couldn't get fat even if he wanted to. A not too bad body, but nothing to be envy of. However, despite all of this, I could see the surprised expression on Nadine's face, a faint blush, her eyes widening for a second and her lips parting a bit. I don't have to explain you the obvious. I mean, my lame ass past self brushed it off in that moment, but she was indeed checking me out for the first time, and given the fact that not only was I wet, but drops of water were also dripping from my face, to my chin, to my neck, and then downwards on my torso, everything was...how can I say it...very different from the last time she saw me half naked like this. The first time was a few months after we knew each other, and she pulled the same silly prank, and it was winter. I wanted to kill her, but I didn't: I merely removed my shirt and got another one. Needless to say that she didn't have a similar reaction, I probably should've taken my chance...but again, lame ass. So I used my shirt to dry myself off and said

Thomas: "Well, thanks to you I'll have to borrow an old shirt of your brother's. Nadine? Nadine? Are you okay?"

That shook her up from her state and she turned around swiftly while saying

Nadine: "You could've at least kept your shirt on, you idiot!"

But I ignored her and walked towards Darian's room

Thomas: "Shut up, it's not like you've never seen me like this."

Then I started going upstairs

Nadine: "We were seven the last time, it's different!"

At that I turned around, again flashing her my torso, while she quickly adverted her eyes to the side

Thomas: "Really? And why?"

Then I descended a few steps and got in front of her while smirking, and she tried to keep her eyes to the side while glancing a couple of times at me. Then I whispered to her

Thomas: "Do I make you nervous?"

No, I didn't magically learn how to flirt, and I was for certain not confident about my body. If you start the gym to build muscle you can't be okay with everything in your body, that's just reality. And I was indeed freaking out, acting like I was oh, super confident with girls, when in reality I feared her answer, hoping that she would kiss me again, while being sober enough to remember it...but this is nor a book, neither a love story, so of course she said

Nadine: "You're asking me if a half naked creep who's whispering at me makes me nervous? Well, yes."

And at that I suppressed my visible hurt with a chuckle while I messed her hair a little more, then I turned around and put the shirt back on in shame, not realizing back then that her state was more positive than I thought. Fortunately now I'm changed, and I understand a tiny little more the feminine mind. Anyway, we kept walking towards Darian's room, when we both heard a laughter coming from inside of it. We exchanged a look of uncertainty and kept tiptoeing towards the door. We kept hearing two people laughing: Krista and Darian. Nadine was behind me, and we were in front of the door. We exchanged a nod and I slowly opened the door, and the scene unfolding in front of me was totally unexpected: my friend and my sister, naked, on the bed, under the covers, laughing and kissing. We had shock painted on our faces at that revelation, and a million of questions flooded my mind 'What's happening?' 'When did this happen?' 'How did it happen?' 'Did they keep it from us?' 'Why didn't Krista tell me?' 'Didn't she trust me?' But the one to break the semi-silence was Nadine, who very subtly and discreetly said to the pair

Nadine: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

As I said, very subtly.

After the embarassing moment me and Nadine were sitting on the sidewalk outside of the house, her with her hands on her forehead leaning on her knees, while I was looking at the nothingness with those same questions invading my brain. We stayed in silence for a bit, then Nadine said

Nadine: "Your sister had sex with my idiot brother..."

At hearing those words I cringed

Thomas: "Can you please not say 'my sister' and 'had sex' in the same sentence? I'm still processing."

After a few other moments of silence I asked her

Thomas: "So...apart from, ahem...the little-not-so-little episode from before...how do you see them together?"

To clarify, I wasn't upset about them being together, because I knew that Darian wasn't a douche and that he would treat my little sister good. What I was upset about was that none of them told either of us, that my little sister didn't trust his brother enough to tell him that she found someone apart from me that made her happy, plus he was a dear friend of mine, so it was even better. At my question she turned to look at me with squinted eyes and asked

Nadine: "You are okay with this?"

At that I took a moment to elaborate my thoughts

Thomas: "To them being together, yeah. Them keeping it a secret, no, but-"

And she interrupted saying

Nadine: "But?! My brother and your sister?!"

Upon hearing this I stopped and looked at her. She was weirded about this because she was my sister and he was her brother, and I couldn't but fear that she could be weirded out even about us

Thomas: "Why are you so weirded out? They're not related."

Nadine: "Look, it's weird okay? Plus..."

She had a look as if she desperately wanted to say something, so I leaned a bit closer and asked

Thomas: "What, Nadine?"

But she shook her head

Nadine: "Nothing. Anyway c'mon it's weird! It's like if we dated, can you imagine it?"

And with that my self esteem was thrown so far beneath the ground that it reached the center of the Earth. I couldn't but think to myself 'Am I that undesirable?', and let me tell you, it's one of the worst feelings ever, not feeling desired or loved is crushing. I shouldn't have felt bad. I mean, I've dealt with this shit for all my life: I shouldn't have thought too much about it. But it hurt regardless.

Thomas: "Yeah...weird."

And after that comment I just had the need to be alone

Thomas: "Well, I have to go now."

I started to get up, but she grabbed my arm and asked

Nadine: "Wait, where are you going? You can't leave me alone."

But I was definetely not in the mood for it, so I gently removed her hand and answered

Thomas: "It's Krista, not the Grim Reaper, you'll be fine. Besides, you clearly need to talk to her more than me right now."

Then I walked away without exchanging goodbye. I know what you're gonna say, that I'm immature, that I should've stayed with her. Well, I don't fucking care: I was feeling like a shit in that moment. Her little comment made a hole so huge in my heart that you could put a basketball in it...I know it's not anatomically correct, but again I don't fucking care. If I stayed for a minute more I was sure I was going to cry, and if I learned something while living with my parents, I knew better than to show my emotions and weaknesses to the others. I still remember what happened the last time I cried in front of them...

Trigger Warning: child abuse (start)

I was in the living room after a hard day at school. Everybody made fun of me for my height, for my looks, they called me stupid. The girls made fun of me because I was closed, definetely not confident, and because I was a nerd. Kids are cruel, but sometimes girls are even more cruel: they have the upper hand, because they are girls, so if you reply to their insults, they pretend to cry, and then you become the bad guy because you were bullying a girl. It wasn't fair. I went to my parents to find comfort, to receive a hug or something. But when I told them what happened and that I cried in the classroom in front of everybody...they were mad at me.

Dad: "ARE YOU INSANE?! Oh my God, I can't believe you're so weak..."

Mom: "For once we're on the same page, if your sister heard what you're saying I bet she would be ashamed of you, but not as much as we are."

They had a look of pure disappointment on their faces, and my tears were spilling out again

Thomas: "B-but, I-I-"

My dad's hand collided hard with my cheek

Dad: "'I-I-I' GROW SOME BALLS ALREADY AND END THIS ANNOYING STUTTER!"

If you're wondering, I was six and I was in pre-school (A/N: I'm italian, so I don't know how the american school system works, sorry if I made a mistake 😅), I didn't have any friends apart from Krista, at least until I met Nadine, and I felt terribly alone.

Mom: "Oh, what's the matter, the big baby is going to cry again?"

Since that day I sweared I was never going to show my weak spot to anyone ever again: bullshits like 'Oh, you shouldn't bottle it up' or 'It's okay to show your feelings' were thrown out of the window from then. And even if the situation is relatively better now, I just can't bring myself to be vulnerable...I just can't. It's too painful, and it's better this way. And yes, I still feel that way, this is one of the few things that did never change in my shitty life. Why are you so surprised? You really thought that my affection and protective instinct towards Krista was the only reason I never let myself cry in public? She isn't stupid: I knew that she knew this other reason, but she never mentioned it to me.

Dad: "Man up already, you little brat. Men don't cry. If you need and seek help, you're just a pathetic little shit."

Trigger warning: child abuse (end)

Looking back at that time I realize that I had it way more hard than Krista. Of course I'm not minimizing her suffering, since we're in this together, but at least she didn't receive things like slaps, or yelling, or the belt treatment. I think that our parents are a mix between the old method of education and some other misogynistic principles, all of it combined with an unhappy childhood. I don't feel like blaming them for the people they are now...but I do feel like blaming them for being so fucking bad at parenting, and for ruining my and Krista's fucking childhood. Nothing is forgiven, nor forgotten.

That day I came to them because I felt sad, and after that conversation I went to my room feeling like an absolute failure. So no, I was not going to cry in front of another person ever again. After leaving Nadine I went home: someone had to explain where my sister was and take the blame for it. Oh yeah, I was in my parents opinion "my sister's guardian" or whatever. If she did something she shouldn't, the blame was on me. If she went somewhere she shouldn't, the blame was on me. If she spent the time with someone she shouldn't, the blame was on, guess who? Yes, me. So of course often Krista didn't tell me everything she did in her free time, and despite my love for her, I couldn't but feel a bit...angry at her, because she had everything: she was popular, she had friends, a (I hope) supporting brother, a boyfriend now...and what did I have? In me there has always been a tiny spot that was angered that she could just lie to our parents with ease, and that I was the only one taking shit for her. It wasn't fair. But I never wished that she suffered the same as me: I wouldn't wish for anybody to suffer what I have, not even stupid Nick. Arrived at the front door I took out my keys and opened it. As soon as I got inside I was met with the disappointed look on my parents' face, and I mentally prepared myself for what was coming next. My father crossed his arms and asked me

Dad: "Where were you and Krista?"

And I swallowed the lump I had down my throat, then answered

Thomas: "We had a party at Nick's, sir."

Another thing I hated about Nick: my parents adored him. He was, in their words, "a true man", as if ending up at Juvie makes you a man. After my answer he uncrossed his arms and slowly walked in front of me. He stopped a few inches from me and in a second his fist collided with my face, sending me on the ground. I didn't dare to let my tears spill out, nor did I touch my hurting cheek: I wasn't going to show weakness. Instead, I looked at him right in the eyes with a stoic expression. He then said

Dad: "Liar. You had a party at Nadine's. We told you multiple times not to hang out with her, and you just don't listen."

Pointless to say, I wasn't a good liar. Why wouldn't they let me hang out with Nadine you might ask? Well, they didn't like her rebellious attitude, and in their opinion she wasn't a good influence on me. Yeah, me, not Krista, because in their opinion she never lied, I was the one who always lied, so she was in their eyes the perfect daughter. She could just bat her eyelashes and convince them to let her do whatever she wanted. I, instead, was always the bad one: I was a liar, and weak, and scrawny, and a nerd, and overall never enough.

I suppose you already imagine what happened next: beatings, cursing, degrading...the usual shit. And you know what was the worst part? That I was used to it. I didn't protest once, I didn't even try to defend myself, because it was pointless. The sole thing that ever mattered in those circumstances was not to show weakness or submission, so when the belt collided with my lower back I didn't flinch, when his fist hit my stomach I didn't emit a sound, and when I saw blood dripping from my mouth I didn't do anything. After that I cleaned myself and went into my room to be alone and, in the solitude of my space I opened my drawer and, from a secret compartment, I took a colored bracelet made with the paper of ice cream cones me and Nadine ate a year after we knew each other. She was the one who made it for me, "to make sure you remember me" she said, as if I need a bracelet to remember her. I had to hide it when I saw how my parents disapproved of our friendship. I didn't have the heart to tell Nadine that my parents would've destroyed it as soon as they saw it, to tell her that I couldn't keep it, so I put it in my sock and, once at home, I hid it in the compartment of the drawer. I could handle anything they decided to do to me, but that bracelet...that bracelet meant everything to me, and because of this I could never let them discover it. I held the bracelet in my hand, and a smile tugged on my face, suddently the day not being so terrible, and all because of that bracelet, or rather the thought behind it.

Suddently I heard a knock on my door, so I quickly hid the bracelet and closed the drawer as fast as I could, then I eased my breath and asked

Thomas: "Who is it?"

Then, from the other side of the door came a gentle voice

Krista: "Tommy, it's me, Krista. May I?"

Upon hearing her I was visibly relaxed and answered

Thomas: "Sure, come in."

She slowly opened the door and came in, then she awkwardly sat down on the bed and kept her eyes down. After a couple of seconds she said

Krista: "I'm sorry. I-I don't even know how it happened, I..."

At that I understood the situation, so I stood up and sat down beside her. I side hugged her and said

Thomas: "It's okay, Kristy, I understand."

Then she looked at me surprised

Krista: "You do?"

And I nodded, saying

Thomas: "Yes, I do. So, it started just yesterday night?"

She just nodded and looked down again, ashamed. I understood then that she didn't keep anything from me, and that she was just as much, if not more, confused about it. I wanted her to be calm, so I smirked and tried to ease her stress

Thomas: "So...Darian, huh?"

And she chuckled at this while also blushing a deep red.

Krista: "Yeah...I don't know, it...it just happened. You're not mad, are you?"

Sensing her discomfort and worry, I hugged her

Thomas: "No, I'm not. I know you, and I know Darian. He's a good guy, and I want you to be happy, Kristy, that's all I ever wanted."

I felt a wet sensation on my shoulder, and I noticed that her hug was tighter now. She started sobbing on my shoulder, and I hugged her tighter too

Thomas: "Don't worry, I'll tell nothing to them."

At that she detached and looked at me, her eyes were soft and grateful, but then they were filled with horror and worry

Krista: "They beat you up, didn't they?"

She traced the bruise on my cheek with her fingers, and even if her touch was very gentle, I flinched, and she sighed

Krista: "It's not fair, you don't deserve all of this."

But I shook my head with a smile and said

Thomas: "It's okay..."

But she shook her head and said firmly

Krista: "No, it's not. They can't do that to you."

I puffed and stood up with a grunt due to my ribs hurting

Thomas: "Apparentely they can. Don't worry Kristy, I'm used to it by now: they'll never break me."

She didn't reply right away, but she stood up and walked to me, then she embraced me in a tight hug, a gesture I reciprocated.

Krista: "I'm with you, big brother, always."

It took every ounce of strength in me to not let myself cry on her shoulder or to show all my pain, so I did the best thing I could do: I ironized on the situation

Thomas: "You know that we're siblings, right? We have, like, a seven minutes difference."

She just chuckled at this and hugged me tighter

Krista: "I thought I was clear when we were kids: I'm your little sister, and you're my big brother."

She was my little sister, and as long as I had air in my lungs, I sweared to protect her and be by her side, no matter what. How much I hoped things had improved...but obviously I was wrong.

A/N: Hi, guys! I hope everything is good. Sorry for the delay, but to make you forgive me, here's a veeeeery long chapter. As you can see I didn't put any GIF: that's because it's a hell to find one that Wattpad likes enough, plus there are very few of them. Because of this I decided to edit a bit the structure of the book.

I wanted to reserve this space to tell you something: you are allowed to cry. You have the right to express your frustration and your emotions. I talk from experience: if you do it, you'll feel very much better. Know that there are people ready to listen to you and help you with whatever you're facing, you're not alone. Boys and men are more than allowed to cry and express their emotions, so never feel ashamed or guilty for it.

Tell me your thoughts about this chapter and comment about what you think will happen next, see ya guys!