'i need to stay alive, so sad that i could die.' - cigarettes after sex

i sit beside maggie as she sleeps. her breathing is heavy and she twitches from time to time. i can tell she's in a lot of pain. i hear footsteps and look over to see carl walking in. he sits down at the end of the couch maggie is sleeping on. "she is in a lot of pain." i say watching maggie. "dr carson can help her." carl says. "i hope so." i add. some seconds of silence pass by then i remember carl still doesn't know about it. i don't want to tell him. i don't even know if i want to keep this thing. it's a death wish in this world. people die quickly enough as it is, why sign up for this suicide? carl told me about his mother. i could have the same ending as she did, as maggie could be having. why put me, joel, and carl through that? 

"she's gonna make a great mom." carl says pulling the blanket over maggie more. "yeah she will be." i answer not taking my eyes off of her. "you would too." carl adds and i just want him to shut up. no, i wouldn't. how would i raise a kid in this world, how would i raise a kid in general? "you think we could do it?" carl asks. "do what?" i repeat looking at him. "what glenn and maggie did?" he asks again and i stare at him trying to hide my guilt. i feel bad for not telling him, but maybe he shouldn't know. maybe i should just decide when we get home. "just asking if you could do it. doing something as big as that, if that's living." he adds.

"could you?" i ask not really knowing what answer i'm hoping for. "yeah, i could. now. just so you know." he replies and i feel a bit of relief drain from me. i hope he doesn't know. it would kill him if he found out i want to end it. "bitch nuts." abraham exclaims again from the driver's seat. carl and i both rush out and see more saviors blocking the road. "making our stand?" sasha asks. "yeah, we end it." carl answers. "no, not now. they've been waiting, they're ready. with one of us behind the wheel, that's six on 16. we're gonna play it our way, how we want it. right?" rick explains then turns to carl. "right." he answers. "all right, go slow." rick says as abraham backs the RV up so he can turn back down the way we came.

a savior shoots some gunshots into the air as we drive away. i watch out the back window as the savior walks down the road shooting more into the air. with a sigh, i sit back down at the table resting my head in my hands. my head is killing me and i feel the nausea coming back. "you alright?" carl asks sitting down across from me. "just motion sickness." i answer taking a sip of water from his canteen. after handing it back to him i put my head down on the table hoping to soothe my headache. the light burns my eyes so i shut them, blocking out any sunlight. a few minutes of peace pass till abraham slams on the breaks again. i look up and carl gets up to look out the front window. 

i get up and sturdy myself by grabbing his arm. a line of walkers blocks our path. "we can't get through it. can't risk the RV. you stay behind the wheel, just in case. we'll clear it." rick says taking out his gun. once again, we all pile out of the RV  making sure the woods around us is clear. my eyes dart through the trees looking for moving bodies. "putting together a red rover like that takes people. a lot of them." eugene says staring down the walkers. "come on, let's do this." rick says grabbing his knife. "wait!" i exclaim as my eyes settle on a jacket one of the walkers is wrapped in. "that's joel's jacket." i say walking a little closer. "that's michonne's shirt." carl points out. "daryl's arrows." sasha adds. rick rips off the locks of michonne's hair from the walker's head as he raises his axe, gunshots ring through the air. 

the saviors start shooting at our feet. "get back to the RV!" rick yells. i quickly swipe the jacket off the walker and sprint back into the RV as rick cuts through the line of walkers making a pathway for us. we speed down the road as fast as we can to try to miss the bullets of the savior's guns. i sit back down looking carefully at the jacket. "they have him." i say as carl sits down beside me. i turn to face him, still holding the jacket to my chest. "we are gonna get them back." he says setting a hand on my knee. "they were firing at our feet. they blocked the road, but they weren't trying to stop us from getting through. they want us in this direction." rick explains.

"barton road, takes us north, but they gotta know we wanna go north." sasha adds checking the map. "meadows. could take us east a piece, but we get back on track on mayhew." eugene says pointing to a spot on the paper. "we're down to a third of a tank. we could top off at the next stop, but no refills after that." sasha says. "all right." rick answers. "shes burning up." aaron says walking out of the room maggie is in. "rick." abraham says worriedly. i peak over the seat and see a huge lineup of saviors stacked ontop of cars looking right at us. "that's a lot." i say quietly and carl sets his hand on my back as the RV comes to a stop. 

"go back." rick says quickly. "where?" abraham asks. "back where we came." rick answers. i climb over carl and walk into maggie's room. i sit down beside her and she weakly looks over at me and smiles. "are we close?" she asks and my eyes burn with tears at the sight of her like this. "yeah, we're getting there." i answer lying through my teeth. "we're there- i heard gunshots." she stammers. "yeah, the saviors, but they're gone now." i reply. "you're gonna be okay. the baby's gonna be okay. i know it. this isn't it. there's more." i add holding her hand. "you're gonna do great things, isa. i know it." she replies pessimistically. "don't say that. you are going to make it, mags." i say. the RV sharply stops again so i jump from my seat. "i'll be back." i say leaving maggie. 

i run out to join the rest of the group outside. huge logs stacked on top of each other block our way. screams of a man make me jump as carl steps in front of me. we watch the man from the road dangle from a chain wrapped around his neck. i cover my mouth and gasp as he struggles for air. "i can try to hit the chain." aaron says holding his gun up. "don't. it won't work." abraham answers blankly. "we need the bullets." rick adds. the man wiggles around grabbing at his neck as the chain turns his face blue. after a few seconds, his kicking stops and his face softens. sudden heat makes me turn around to see the logs starting to burn. flames engulf the wood and make the air all smokey. 

"you're treating your people pretty good, right? like it was your last day on earth? or maybe one of theirs? you better go. it's gonna get hot. you go get where you're going." the savior from earlier asks from over the other side of the logs. "go, go." rick says to all of us as we quickly walk back to the RV. abraham backs up and we go back down the road we came. he drives for a bit before stopping and we all gather around the map. "so what's the play?" abraham asks. "she needs a doctor, her blood pressure is dropping and shes burning up. i did as much as i could, all that denise taught me." i say. after carl had gotten shot i helped out denise in the infirmary for a couple of weeks just to learn some basics in case he got hurt again and she wasn't there. 

"there are two more routes north from here." sasha says pointing to two roads on the map. "they're probably waiting for us right now." aaron adds. "so, they're ahead of us, probably behind us. but they're not waiting on us, per se, they're waiting on this rust bucket. they don't know the moment-to-moment occupancy of said rust bucket. the sun sets soon." eugene explains. rick nods and we all agree on the plan. eugene volunteers to drive the RV to the next stop north of us as the rest of us carry maggie on foot to hiltop. the sun sets in no time and we are left with the pitch-black woods. 

the woods at night always scared me, when joel was out and we were in that cabin i would lock up before sunset and made sure i was asleep next to him by nightfall. the emptiness and darkness of the forest mixed with the growls and groans of the dead freak me out. "you sure you wanna come with us? you can stay back with euegne." carl says sitting across from me as everyone else packs up. "i'm sure. i need to stay with maggie." i answer looking out the door at rick and aaron holding her up on a stretcher. i grab move my sweater out of the way of my gun and follow carl out the door. everyone says their goodbyes to eugene as we start through the woods. a walker emerges from the trees and carl takes it out with one swing. i follow close beside him, afraid of cold hands reaching for us from the bushes. 

"isa, please. just let me walk it." maggie says grabbing my hand. "relax. just a few more miles." i say to her but also to calm myself down. "i heard what you said to her when we were leaving. we can do anything, cause we'll do anything we need to do. we have and we will. what happened to denise, i'm not gonna let anyone die like that again. especially not you." carl says to me. before i can answer whistling rings through the trees. i swing my head back and forth looking through the trees for the saviors. "go! go!" rick shouts as we all run through the trees carrying maggie along. 

we run through a clearing of trees as a light gets blared at us. we stop and see cars enclosing us in. men emerge from the shadows all whistling. my heart beats as the whistling gets louder. i want to cry, this is why i hate the woods. carl grabs my hand with one hand as he grips his gun in another. i look around at the men and they all have evil looks on their faces. some are laughing, and some eyeing me up and down, all holding weapons. i see eugene kneeling on the ground a couple of steps over by our RV. "good. you made it. welcome to where you're going. we'll take your weapons. now." the savior with the mustache says taking his gun out and pointing it directly at my face. 

my head pounds and my eyes burn. "we can talk about-" rick says as another savior comes up behind me and grabs me putting a knife to my throat. "we're done talking. time to listen." the savior says. i look at carl with pleading eyes as he and the rest of our group get stripped of their weapons. i can feel the man's hand at my hips as the other holds the blade to my throat. once the men step away with all the weapons the man holding me lets me go. i walk up to carl and he grips my arm. the savior with the mustache walks up to us and takes carl's gun from his waist. we both glare at the savior after he scans the gun and sees their little logo scratched into the handle of it. 

"that's yours, right? yeah, it's yours." he says getting closer to carl's face. i can smell his breath from where i'm standing, a mix of coffee and mint gum. he flicks carl's hat before stepping back. "okay. let's get her down and all of you on your knees. lots to cover." the savior says as a couple of others walk up to rick and aaron. "we can do it." rick snaps as they set maggie down on the ground and help her kneel on the rocky ground. the men move eugene over to us and his face is all bloody and dripping tears. "gonna need you on your knees." the savior says to rick. he slowly gets down on his knees and the rest of us follow. i get down next to carl. he looks over at rick and then at me. 

"dwight!" the savior shouts. "yeah." another savior, dwight, answers. he's wearing daryl's jacket and is holding his crossbow. "chop-chop." the other savior adds. dwight walks over to a crate and swings open the door. glenn, rosita, michonne, and joel are dragged out. joel grunts in the grasp of the saviors as he comes and kneels on the other side of me. "i thought you were dead." i say quietly to him. he just looks at me with a sad expression. "we might as well be." he mumbles looking up at the men in terror. i look over at rosita who stares back at me with a blank face. i whip my head around and look at michonne who looks straight ahead. something bad happened to them at the hands of these people.

daryl catches my eye, he's covered in blood, not sure whose. he looks at me then at rick. "all right! we got a full boat. let's meet the man." the savior says knocking on the RV door. after a second the door swings open. a man wearing a leather jacket accompanied by a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire exits the RV. he smiles at us then laughs a bit to himself. "pissing our pants yet? boy, i have a feeling we're getting close. yep. it's gonna be pee-pee pants city real soon. which one of you pricks is the leader?" the man asks with a beaming smile across his face. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

i am beyond ready for fall and it isn't even september yet 🥲

OH and hey negan!