"hold on tight to this time, this place 'cause everything you know will be erased." - alex g

i wake up with a gasp, shivering with cold sweats. my head aches and my side aches even more. my vision blurs as i stand up and stumble over to the mirror. my eyes are bloodshot red, my skin shining a white shade in the light moonlight. my feet shuffle underneath me as i open the bathroom door, splashing water onto my face. i look back up at the mirror and fear washes over me. i start to cry at the sight of myself. the bedroom door swings open and daryl looks around the room before turning to the bathroom. i stand there in the moonlight staring back at him. 

i watch the expression on his face drop into despair as his hand slowly reaches down to his knife. "no, daryl." i manage to say grabbing ahold of the counter and coughing. he rushes over and flips the light on. "what's wrong with me?" i ask wiping the bit of blood from my mouth. he says nothing as he drags me back to bed. he turns on the light sitting on the nightstand and watches me as i lay there. "when was the last time you went out there?" he asks with hesitance and i think back. "a day or two ago? it can't be that, i'm not bit." i reply, breathing shallowly.

i decide to check my wound again. i peel back the gauze and see a decaying-looking area around the arrow puncture. it looks like nothing i've seen in any books. "get siddiq." i say to daryl who stares at the weeping wound. he rushes out of the room, slamming the door behind him. moments pass and he doesn't come back, crashes and groans echo through the house. i limp to the door and open it wide revealing walkers of people i knew from hilltop. the dead fill the house and i can see my people fighting them on the lower level. i grab my knife and walk right up to one, ready to take it out. instead of growling in my face the walkers walk right pass me and trip down the stairs. 

confused, i follow them down the stairs, holding tight onto the banister as i go. growls whip past my ears as the walkers run for my friends, ignoring me in their paths. "the hell happened?" daryl asks killing the last of the bunch. "i don't know. maybe walkers got in." rick replies. "maybe during the fight." morgan adds. "these are all our own people, though." daryl says pointing at the bodies lying at their feet. more commotion sounds from upstairs and the small group of us go back up the staircase. i hold onto rick and daryl's arms tight as they help me up faster. we reach the top and daryl swings the door open revealing carol and bertie hovering over tobin's dead body. blood drips from his mouth and i kneel down next to him. 

"he must've had internal bleeding somewhere, we could've missed it." i say scanning his body for anything unordinary. the group watches me with fearful eyes and i feel a little bit of embarrassment, i look like one of the dead. "he wasn't bit." carol pants as she wipes his blood from her arms. "negan's bat. when i was out there with him, it was covered it was walker blood. i just thought he'd crossed some. but maybe.." i say catching onto a theory. "they have us working for them again. killin' our own." maggie answers. "it's the fever. that's what it is. it makes sense now. one of you, you're gonna have to do it." i say piecing the puzzle together.

the saviors must have used arrows laced with walker blood. "i can't. you gotta do it for me." i say starting to cry again. the same fear floods over me. i think about carl, our kid, it won't even get a chance. maggie walks up to me and stands me up. the group of us walk down the hall to the room where the rest of our people are in. rick opens the door and rosita quickly lifts up her gun then sets it down. "good out there?" she asks. "house is clear." rick replies. "what happened to you?" enid asks rushing over to me. "the saviors did something to their weapons. everyone they cut up..or shot..they all got sick. some of 'em turned." i explain to the group. "what? no." rosita asks. "karma's a bitch, right?" i ask quietly. sadly, my family drags me back to bed, all with long faces.

the warmth of maggie's bed gives me comfort. rosita lays next to me as people come in and out saying things to me, saying goodbye. daryl sits quietly on the couch in the corner of the room watching me. "you're gonna have to do it, ro. i can't." i say and she sniffles a bit. "not yet." she says sitting up a bit more and i lean my head on her shoulder. i read about a thing that happens to people when they are dying, a euphoric experience they call it. a moment in time when you feel fine, you feel strong and healthy. it scares me- death. but the thought of living scares me even more. i don't want to die, but i will one day, sooner or later. 

i look over at the clock beside me and stare at the red numbers blaring back at me. 5am it reads, it's still dark out. "you should get some rest." rosita says and i don't want to move an inch. "i'm good right here." i reply and she sets her hand on top of my cold ones. "sleep, isa." she says. i sigh and lay down beside her. she sits at my side, moving the hair from my face like my mother did when i was young and sick. it doesn't take long for me to fall asleep but as i was laying there, eyes shut, hands wrapped in rosita's, i didn't expect to wake up again.

i squint my eyes at the harsh light beating into my room. rosita and daryl still sit in the same spots. she leans in more and smiles. "what time is it?" i ask her groggily. i roll over at look at the same clock. the bright numbers reading 6pm shine back at me. i sit up, confused. "it's been 3 days, how come i haven't turned?" i ask and she wipes a stray tear running down my cheek. "siddiq came, he checked on you. your vitals are all stable, the fever has calmed down, you've got color back in your face. he said it's not unexplainable, must've been an infection, gangrene he said?" she explains forgetfully. "i don't get it." i say in a haze. "siddiq said you'd be in shock, just sit." she answers.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

another night and day pass by. i sit crisscrossed on the bed i've been stuck in. daryl decided that i'm not allowed out till i'm healed fully. oddly enough, i'm almost there. i groan and lay my head in my hands. carol and morgan had set out this morning to find henry who went missing the other night in all the chaos. night falls and hilltop quiets down. i grab all my books and stash them back on my bookshelf. as i set them down, a paper falls from behind it.

i pick it up and remember the night carl had handed me the stack of letters. on the front, my name is written in black pen, a little off-centred and sideways. i stare at it for a moment then flip it open. 

isa,

there's so much i want to say. i wish i could tell you all of this in person, but i needed one last day where no one knew. just time left that wasn't filled with depressed, mopy faces all staring at me.

i want you to know how much you mean to me. i never imagined that i would find something like we had, something pure and strong, but somehow, it happened. you've been my backbone for everything and i wish i would've told you more about how much i appreciated you being beside me.

you've shown me what it means to love and be loved. you've given me a reason to fight, to keep pushing forward even.

i wanted to kill negan. i wish i did, maybe it would've been done. i don't think it's done now. you went out there again but i don't think they surrendered. i don't think they will surrender. there are workers in there, isa. they're just regular people- old people, young people, and families. you don't want them to die, isa. we're so close to starting everything over, and we have friends now. it's that bigger world that jesus talked about. so if they won't end it, you have to. 

you have to give them a way out. you have to find peace with negan, find a way forward somehow. we don't have to forget what happened, but you can make it so it doesn't happen again. show everyone that they can be safe without killing, that it can feel safe again. 

i want our future to be something big. alexandria can grow, you can make it grow. you can make it so that you don't have to live in fear anymore, constantly fighting- that's not living. just getting by is not a life. build something big for everyone. 

remember the good times we had and hold onto those memories, tell judith and the baby about them- they'll remember it. 

i love you isa, i always will. 

carl

i stare blankly at the page, rereading the paragraphs over and over. tears drip off my cheeks onto the paper making the ink run. i fold the letter back up and open my bag, sticking it with the other. i wipe my nose and my warm cheeks, the dampness of the tears soaking up into my sleeve. i creak open the door to the hallway, peaking out as i walk down the stairs. dizziness washes over me as i walk but i manage. the walk to the front door is long but i walk out on the hunt for maggie. i look around at the people winding down hilltop for the night. 

with no sign of maggie or daryl i climb up the ladder to the wall and huff as i get up there. i lean on the wood, quickly resting before tugging the walkie from the bag sitting up there. i click on the walkie and take a breath before speaking in. "negan, it's isa." i say gripping the walkie in one hand and negan's letter in the other. "my bat there with you?" he asks sounding different. "this isn't about you, it's about carl. he wrote you a letter." i answer. "well, i can't promise not to kill the messenger." he replies. "just shut up and listen." i snap back.

i flick the letter open in my hands.

"negan, this is carl." i read, my throat clogging up with tears already.

"i was helping someone. i got bit. we didn't even have to do what we've been doing. i was just helping someone, now i'm gone. you might be gone. maybe isa made your people give up and she killed you, but i don't think so. i think you're still around and you're working on a way out. maybe you got out. maybe you think we're a lost cause and you want to just kill all of us.

i think you think you have to be who you are. i just wonder if this is what you wanted. i wanted to ask you, i wish i could've. maybe you'll beat us. and if you do, there'll just be someone else to fight. the way out is working together. it's forgiveness. it's believing that it doesn't have to be a fight anymore because it doesn't. i hope isa offers you peace. i hope you take it. i hope everything can change, it did for me. start over. you still can. carl."

"all this..there is no getting out of it now. i wouldn't accept your surrender if you came to me on your knees. see, winning isn't about beating you. winning is about killing every last one of you. that is starting over. i never wanted this. rick made it happen, you made it happen, isa. no more talk." negan replies with a click of the walkie-talkie. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

kms i hate exams. i cannot wait to graduate in june u best believe i'm taking that damn gap year..