"i'm doing fine, trying to derail my one-track mind. regaining my self-worth in record time." - lucy dacus

the early morning sun shines in through the curtains, my eyes burn as i blink them open. i had left late last night and got home sometime around midnight. charlie lays peacefully in her crib as the sunlight shines down on her. my shirt-- still caked with aaron's blood-- sticks to me as i pull it over my head and toss it over a chair. my hoodie warms my akin as i slide it over my head, replacing the shirt. i walk past my dresser, glancing at the hat resting on the top. before walking downstairs i grab one of carl's flannels from the drawer and slip it over my hoodie. 

the mornings here are light but damp, the air has a coldness to it. reminds me of camping when i was young. my gun clings to my hip as i climb up the fence and sit down, taking my shift for guarding the wall. carl's faint scent still lingers in his clothes and i wonder how long that will be, dreading the day i can no longer smell him or even remember his voice. my eyes scan over the hilltop. it's a quiet morning, one or two people here and there. kal waves up to me as he walks by with a barrel of fresh tomatoes. 

"how'd you sleep?" maggie asks climbing up the wall and sitting next to me. i don't answer. "look, isa- i'm sorry. i didn't mean what i said." she adds sighing. "do you understand how much i've given up to be here?" i ask her and she doesn't reply. "my home, my things-- carl's things, his grave, judith, everyone at alexandria, i gave all that up because i can't stand to breathe the same air as he does. i think you are far from wrong about negan, he deserves nothing-- not even a prison cell." i explain. "rick came to me asking if we could spare any more resources for the saviors to help rebuild the bridge." i add and she nods. 

"he asked me too." she answers. "what did you say?" i ask turning to look at her more. "i told him no. hilltop needs the food and if the saviors can't survive on what they have there that's their problem, i'm not their leader. our home is hilltop." she replies. "exactly what i told him." i say. "it's good you're leading this place." i add. "with you." she answers. "no, i'm here and there. here, it's you. keeping it safe, figuring out how to make it better." i say and she smiles with a small chuckle. "i've got to go, kal and i are taking a wagon to the camp." she adds standing up and dusting off her pants. 

"i'll come." i say and she looks at me. "charlie will be fine, she'll be with hershel and jesus." i add. she sighs and i follow behind her, climbing down as another guard climbs up. 

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

the hooves of the horses clack against the asphalt as we ride down the road. the wagon attached to the buggy holds some food for our people at the camp and some extra tools and medical supplies to stock up the medical tent. a few months ago rick thought we needed a halfway point between the two communities in the woods, in case for any reason the bridge is unusable. as the trees slowly pass us the horses stop and a man emerges from the treeline. i grab my gun from my belt and some ex-saviors follow behind him. 

when we took them over a few stayed loyal to negan, although they 'joined' us it's still obvious they want nothing to do with us. "what happened to you fuckin' off?" i ask holding my gun in my hand. "woah, easy there, kid. we're all one kumbaya now." the man says as they walk closer to us. "why aren't you at the bridge?" maggie asks sternly. "we're looking for a friend. he went missing last night." laura explains. "you know anything 'bout that?" the man asks. 

"no, just getting here." maggie answers. "or just getting back." the man answers looking at me. "you think i killed your friend? if it was me it wouldn't have been done in secret. the jackass would've gotten one right between the eyes." i argue and the saviors glare at me. "what you got in there?" the man asks walking up to the bed of the wagon. "nothing for you." i answer. "food and medicine for the camp." maggie responds. the savior lifts the blanket and takes a tomato from the crate.

he takes a bite and tomato juice drips down his chin. "what's your name? mark you down for that." maggie asks. "my name's mud. and you're the widow." the man says and my skin itches to pull the trigger. "that's jed. mark him down for the tomato. thanks for bringing it. we're gonna make good on that missing fuel soon too." laura says walking over to us. "we gotta go." kal says checking his watch. "can't believe we're working with these assholes." kal adds once the saviors clear out into the other side of the woods. "we're not." i say putting my gun away and slumping back into my seat. 

the silent ride passes quickly and the trail of the campsite becomes more visible from the side of the road. i hear distant yelling and pull out my gun. "do you hear that?" i ask. kal grabs the buggy while maggie and i run down the path. in the centre of the camp, rick stands in the middle of two huge groups of people, one group being ex-saviors and the other being our people. the people stomp away and we walk over to rick, catching a bit of him and alden's conversation. "no guns for any of the saviors." maggie says. "yeah, that wasn't apart of any deal." i add. "you trust me, don't you? how about trusting a few other people who have changed." alden replies. 

theses last few months alden has stepped up and helped out. i don't blame him for being mixed in with negan and his group, alden's only a year older than i am. "first, we try to figure out what happened, and who killed justin. if we can, then i'll think about it." rick says and alden thanks him and walks off. maggie and i follow him, shocked he completely ignored us. "is that true?' maggie asks. "it's not what i want, but the sanctuary is the majority of the workforce. they're rebuilding this bridge for all of us." he explains. 

"who do we think killed justin?" maggie asks and i peer over the truckbed that holds justin's dead body. i hop over and climb in next to it. "that's not a bullet hole. that's an arrow." i say confused, inspecting his wound. rick sighs and rests his hand on his hips. "daryl." i mumble. "look, i'll go talk to him. if he did it he will tell me." i say jumping out of the truck and following daryl into the woods. i see him sitting on a rock and i walk over and sit down beside him. "go ahead, ask." he says cleaning his knife. 

"that wound on justin...looks like a puncture. i wondered if it could've been from a knife but it was too clean. smaller and cleaner than a bullet hole. it looks like an arrow hit him." i explain, trying my best not to throw blame. "this the kind of shit you do now?" he asks and i look at him confused. "you really think i did it?" he adds. "no, but the others do. so i'm making sure." i answer. "if i'd had killed him, i would've killed him in plain sight. i don't know who it is, but i know why, and so do you. bringing all these people together it was always going to happen." he says. "we gotta go clear the grid." i say standing up and walking back toward maggie.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

fav song rn. go. 

mine has to be end of beginning by djo