'no one gives a shit about my life 'till i die.' - current joys

the churning of my stomach shakes me awake. the pitch-black room surrounds me removing me from the world around me. the distant groans of the dead echo through the air as i sit up, clutching my stomach. i look over and make out the outline of carl peacefully sleeping. i grab my hoodie and shorts and get dressed before climbing out of the window onto the lower roof. i reach in my pocket and pull out the pack of cigarettes i stashed away from carl at one of the many houses we've run through. the cold nighttime wind blows making it hard for me to light it. i flick the lighter and it sparks, glowing with an orange flame. i light up the cigarette and take a puff. 

relief washes over me as i blow the smoke out into the night sky. "those things will kill you, you know?" carl says climbing out and sitting beside me. he has a blanket wrapped around his bare torso. "you sound like carol. always on my ass for smoking with daryl." i say handing him the cigarette. "how do you even do it?" he asks holding the roll between his fingers. "put it up to your lips." i say watching him. "then just suck the smoke into your lungs." i add and he coughs it up. "tastes like ash." he says coughing up smoke. "that's what it is essentially." i answer with a chuckle then taking it back from him and placing it between my lips.

i remember when carl would toss all my cigarettes into the pond after smashing my bottles of whiskey. i kept taking more cigs from daryl he figured that if it was really that bad i'd quit for now. i read up on it, not for my own conscience but for his, and it can't do major harm if i don't smoke like a trucker. drinks, on the other hand, it's been weeks since i had a taste. at first, i was stir-crazy but it got easier. i let out a much-needed sigh and carl wraps his blanket around my shoulders too. "we're gonna be okay." carl says as i rest my head on his shoulder. "yeah, we will be." i answer looking off into the starry sky. "we should go in. it's getting cold." he says and i nod. "yeah, i'll be in a bit. lemme just finish this." i say referring to the burning roll in my hand. 

he climbs back in leaving me the blanket and i drop my head into my hands. the walkers roam amongst themselves down in the fences leaving me with their groans and my empty thoughts. 

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i ended up staying on that roof all night. i don't have a real reason why i'm feeling so shitty, i guess its a combination of things. the fight, the kid, missing joel. i pull up my jeans and notice they're a bit snug around my waist. i scoff and throw on my t-shirt and flannel. my boots have aged a lot. stains from blood seep through into the inside and the soles are so warn i can feel the ground underneath me. "you ready?" carl asks packing up the rest of our stuff into his bag. "yeah." i answer walking over to the window. i climb out with carl behind me. after a second of hesitation, i jump down landing in the grassy yard below. carl tosses me the bags before he jumps down as well.

we walk through the yard and carl picks up a gun handing it to me. i stuff it in my tight waistband and pull mine out from the holster on my leg. we carefully sneak behind some dumpsters trying to hide from a couple of walkers lingering by the opening of the fence. "look." i say. "the walkers in the field aren't closed in." i add. "yeah. we got to take care of the ones out here and block that gap, too, so we can take the rest slow." carl says. he counts the walkers roaming around in the field. "that car- i can block it up." i say pointing to a car near the fence opening. "i can take out the one over there on the way. you draw the rest." i explain. "you're leaving me eight?" he asks jokingly. "you can handle eight." i reply with a smirk. we both take our bags off leaving them behind the dumpsters. 

carl walks around the side banging on the dumpster with one hand and rick's machete in the other. i wait a second for the few walkers to move out of my path before running straight for the car. i hit one in the head as i approach the driver's door. with a tug, i get it open. a walker's body hangs half inside the windshield and half on the hood of the car. i assume it's dead as i reach for the keys but its head moves and it opens its mouth chomping at me. i look around for an angle at its head but give up and decide to drag its feet. i walk out, knife in hand, and grab its boots. the body must've been close to decomposing because as i pull it splits in half slopping guts everywhere. 

i pick it up by the bag on its back and toss it into the grass. out of breath and shaking at the sight of more walkers seeing us i jump back into the car hoping to turn it on. i twist the keys and nothing happens. i switch the car into drive and start pushing. carl runs over and pushes from the back. "you got your eight walkers. i can push." i joke. "so can i. you just worry about steering us into that gap." he answers out of breath. the car picks up enough speed that i hop in the driver's seat steering it. i push the breaks and they squeak. "shit." i mutter. "carl, the breaks don't work." i say a bit more panicky than before. suddenly gunfire rings through the field and i look in the rearview mirror to see carl hop in the trunk. i duck and watch as we drive right into the field full of walkers. 

"carl, you okay?" i say hoping he can hear me. "yeah. you?" he answers a bit muffled. "yeah. i think we overshot it." i answer looking at all the walkers banging on the windows. "you think or you know?" he asks. "i know." i say ironically. "it was a good plan, though." he says. "it was a great plan." i reply with a sigh. i look around noticing a sunroof cover on the roof of the car. i give it a good kick and break open the glass making a way out. carefully i climb out dragging my sides across small pieces of glass on my way up. hands grab at me from all sides and some even grip my legs. carl wiggles through the opening of the seats and into the main part of the car. i help pull him up and we stand there looking at the couple dozen of walkers dooling over us. 

a fence leans up against the car making an escape route for us. "here." i say grabbing carl's hand and jumping off the roof of the car into the fenced area. "we'll do it here." carl says looking around at the walkers pushing on the fence. i look around as well and notice an old fair ride behind us enclosing us in a safe area to kill the walkers at the fences. carl pulls out his machete and i take out my knife and we make our way through a few walkers. "shit, it's not gonna hold." i say noticing the blue fence leaning in. "there it goes!" carl exclaims as the fence falls and the walkers flood in. 

we run across the grass and open up the gate for the fence, making another block between us and the walkers. i follow behind carl as we run through the old fair with walkers trailing behind us. carl and i push down an old whack and win game creating a block in the path to hold back the walkers. we continue running through the booths taking down stragglers as we run. "we should split them off into smaller groups. the barriers might hold." i say making note of the other rides around us. "you take slide i'll take the ferris wheel. or we could just go." carl says and i scoff. "oh, you wanna go?" i ask with a grin. "nah, we can do this." he answers leading a group off to the ferris wheel as i lead mine to the slide.

i hop over the fence and start taking them down one by one. their bodies drop to the ground making it harder for me to reach the ones in the back. my knife slides into their heads so easily and behind this fence making it kind of fun watching them drop like flies. "how you doing?!" i hear carl shout. "eight more!" i shout back counting the bodies i have left. "how about you?!" i ask. he counts the heads and then shouts back. "ten!" he calls. i take down the last remaining bodies and hop over the fence running over to the ferris wheel. i watch as carl climbs up the ferris wheel and stops. he sighs and steps to get down but the metal breaks throwing him out in the open pool of walkers. 

"carl!" i shout as my legs start moving. i run as quickly as i can over to the fences but i get blocked by a group of walkers closing in on him as he scrambles around on the ground shooting the head of the ones getting too close. my view gets blocked and i can no longer see carl. i climb through the metal and notice the walkers have started to crouch down. they all sit lifting guts up to their mouths. my heart drops and my body feels numb. my head spins and all i can do is stare. blood trickled into the grass and my eyes start to water. a sob escapes my trembling lips as i pull my gun out. my hand shakes as i try to line it up with the decaying heads. tears fall and i drop my gun down into the grass before bracing my hands on my knees as i cry. 

the walkers turn their heads to me and i see the flesh hanging from their mouths. i don't turn away, i don't run, i don't do anything. i stand there with tears warming my cheeks. the few walkers stand up and stumble a few steps closer to me. their faces drip of blood and for the first time the sight of them makes me sick. i take a few steps back still focused on the scene in front of me. my feet stop shuffling backwards as a gate gets thrown and carl jumps out of a crate that he had backed up into. he takes out a walker and it takes a second for my brain to register it's him. he picks up my gun hitting one over the head with it before calling my name and tossing it to me. 

i catch it shooting the two walkers in front of me. carl turns and takes a few out that are still eating. i shoot from where i'm standing. i can feel my hands trembling as i hold the gun. all the bodies drop and i run up to carl and jump into a hug. my feet lift off the ground a little as he hugs me. i wrap my arms around him tight as if i was clinging onto him for dear life. he holds me tight as i cry into his shoulder. "i tried, but i still owe you one." he says setting me down. i wipe my nose and look over at the dead deer the walkers were chewing on. i sniffle and laugh a little bit in shock. "i thought they got you." i say sticking my gun back in the holster. "me? never. we don't die." he says and i chuckle again as i wipe my cheeks. 

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we decide to look through the fair and it was a good decision because we found loads of guns. handguns, rifles, shotguns, all of it. we found enough for jadis's people and some to spare for our own. the truck drives over bumps and the crates of food and boxes of guns rattle in the back. i stare out the window watching the trees speed by. i haven't been able to forget how i felt thinking carl was gone. it's dangerous, loving someone like this, i was completely frozen and if he hadn't jumped out of the crate when he did i probably would've been next. the brakes squeal and the truck stops. i lift my head up and look over at carl. "i could've gone a couple more days. i would've liked that." he says and i rest my head back on the window. "i haven't been sleeping." i say. 

"thinking about what we lost- who we lost. joel saved me. i was alone after zee died. i wasn't too sure how i was gonna make it to new york or if i even wanted to anymore. i had given up and he brought me back. i couldn't save him. it's normal, i know that. being stuck on it. we went through something. this doesn't cure it." i say referring to the loads of supplies we are hauling around. "isa, i'm sorry." carl says grabbing my hand. "we're gonna fight them. that's what happens next, and we're gonna lose people. maybe a lot of them, maybe each other." he says and i shake my head turning back to the window. 

"even then, it'll be worth it." he adds. "when i thought..i can't lose you." i say as my eyes tear up again. "what we had- just surrendering, it wasn't a life. what we did back there, what we're doing now, making a future for judith, our baby, and glenn and maggie's, fighting the fight, that's living. you showed me that. you can lose me." he says. "no." i reply. "yes, you can. i can lose you. we can lose our friends, people we love. it's not about us anymore. it's about the future. and if it's me who doesn't make it, you're gonna have to lead the other forward because you're the one who can." he explains. "but..how do you know?" i ask turning to look at him. "because you led me here." he answers. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.