"love is natural and real but not for you, my love. not tonight, my love." - the smiths

the door handle to the cellar sits in my hand. the cold iron rests against my skin as i stand there, contemplating going down those steps. eventually, i pull up and lift the doors, walking down the steps. i can hear lydia scatter to the back of her cell. i step out into the moonlight, shining through the barred window in her cell. her small figure hides behind the chair, almost hidden in the shadows from how dark it is down here. 

i sit down on the chair sitting outside from the cell. she looks at me with a blank expression. "you finally come to kill me?" she asks, with no tears, no emotion at all. i reach into my hoodie and pull out a bottle of antibiotics i took from the medical trailer. "it's for your ear. you keep pulling on it like it hurts." i say and she turns her head away. "no? fine, i don't give a shit." i reply putting the bottle back in my pocket. "three of ours went missing. we found their horses, though. half skinned, half-eaten. you know anything about that?" i ask watching her sit balled up against the stone wall.

"how could i? i've been here." she answers with a bit of attitude. "what would your mom do if she crossed some of our people? would she kill them?" i ask, afraid of what her answer will be. "she would if she had to." she answers. i shakily sigh. "my mother doesn't stand for bullshit." she adds. "she's tough. she does whatever she has to do to keep them safe, even if she has to kill." lydia explains. "what about your dad?" i ask, hoping to learn more about the girl to use her as leverage with her mother. "he was always the one taking care of me. he used to sing to me when i was scared, which was a lot back then." lydia answers.

"how old were you?" i ask and she reaches up at her ear again, tugging on it. "five. six? who knows." she replies. "your mom, she killed him, didn't she?" i ask her and she sighs, leaving me without an answer. i reach back into my pocket and take out the bottle of pills. i whistle and she looks back at me. i toss the bottle through the bars and she catches it. "doesn't have to be like this. there's a lot of good people here. they'll help you if you help them." i add. "can i have some water?" she asks timidly. i stand up and grab the pitcher from the table, filling a ladle with water. i stick it somewhat through the bars and she stands in front of me. 

her long, matted hair drapes down her skinny shoulders. her face, coated in dirt and tear stains, stares back at me. "what? you think i'm gonna hit you with it or something?" she asks and i shove the ladle a bit more into the cell. she reaches her hand up and grabs the ladle with one, quickly shoving the other through the bars trying to grab me. i pull away and grab her arm, pulling up her sleeve. she spits in my face as i look at the scars running down her arms. i had noticed them when she was tugging at her ear. 

she pulls her arm away and drops the ladle on the floor, walking away from the bars. she stands in the corner of the cell breathing heavily, watching me. i scoff and walk back upstairs, locking the doors to the cellar. 

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the cold air breezes past as i shut the cellar doors behind me. i carry a twig from a tree beside me as i walk in front of lydia's cell. "you know, some parents would come up with any excuse just to beat the shit out of their kids. maybe they're drunk. maybe they can't get drunk." i say pulling the leaves off as lydia watches. "belts are good. but those assholes, they aren't picky. they'll use whatever layin' around--but a good switch from a birch tree...that'll work. your mom sounds a lot like one of those parents." i add and she shakes her head. 

"okay, well if your dad's dead then who gave you those bruises on your arms?" i ask, frustrated with her attempt at changing her story. "my mom did." lydia sighs. "where is she?" i ask more stern. "be glad you don't know." lydia replies in monotone. "where is she? where's your camp? why are you protecting her? you're safer here." i ask again. "this place isn't real. the world changed, and you're all acting like it's gonna change back. my mom walks 'cause that's what the dead do. it's their world, and we have to live in it--and what my mom does, she does for a reason." she says pulling up her sleeve, showing me the bruises and scars. 

"your mom beats you 'cause she loves you? that's bullshit." i answer. "no, it isn't. when you stay soft, people die. my dad was soft and he is dead." she explains. "what happened to him?" i ask her and she picks at the loose strings on her sweater. "when the world first changed my family had hidden in a bunker with a couple of other families. my mom killed one of the other people and he turned. i was stupid and walked over to the body during the night and he came at me. my dad ran over and pushed me out of the way but he got bit." she explains sitting down against the wall.

i sit down beside her on the other side of the bars. "you were just a little girl. it wasn't your fault." i say. "i was dumb. i deserved to die. but my dad, he was soft, and now he's the one that's dead." she adds. "what was he supposed to do? just watch his little girl get torn to shreds?" i ask and my chest stings a bit thinking about charlie out there, possibly alone. "when you can't bend you break. he broke." lydia says softly. "that's not true. we're making it better. we're building it back up again." i argue. "yeah? you don't belong with these people. maybe you used to, but not anymore. you're hard, they're soft." she says grabbing onto the bars. 

"you don't know shit about me." i answer backing up a bit. "so tell me." she whispers. just like that i stand up and start walking toward the door. "hey! i told you what happened to me. tell me what happened to you." she shouts and without a pause i walk up the steps, listening to lydia call after me. the air runs along my skin, numbing my fingers with coldness. hilltop is empty as the moon shines bright, casting a white glow onto the grounds. the door to the house creaks as i open it and the warmth surrounds me. 

quietly, i walk up the steps, walking past the rooms of other residents. i unlock my room and daryl is asleep on the couch with a bottle of whiskey sitting next to him. i shut the door and he wakes up abruptly. "hey." i say taking my gun off. "i was waiting up here for you, must've dosed off." he says sitting up and grabbing the whiskey. he takes a big swig and hands it over to me. i gulp some down and cringe at the taste. i sit down on my bed and my body feels like jelly. "physically i'm exhausted, but mentally i feel like i could demolish a whole horde." i say and he sits across from me, taking the bottle from me and drinking some.

"i can't imagine how scared she is, out there with those fucking freaks." i add. daryl has never been one to conversate with, he listens and that's all i ever really ask for. "we'll find her." he answers laying back against the couch. i look over to charlie's side of the bed. her pink blanket lays folded at the bottom and her stuffed animals sit comfortably where she left them. bits of toys and clothes clutter the room and i can't bring myself to move them. i take my boots off and lay down, shivering under the covers of my bed. daryl sets the bottle of whiskey next to me on my nightstand and locks the door behind him. i can faintly smell charlie's scent as i drift off. 

the next morning comes in a blur, before i know it i'm out of the house and helping create the next route for the search. i sit outside on the porch with a map on my lap. people walk across the community, doing their daily tasks. the sun shines down, reflecting off the grass. with frustration, i set the map and pens on the floor and looked out into the community. i notice some gathering at the wall so i grab my gun and jog over, expecting a build-up of walkers. "isa, wait." magna says as she stands at the bottom of the ladder. daryl, tara, and yumiko all stand at the top of the wall looking down to a group of masked people staring up at us. 

my heart sinks and i'm at a loss for words as i watch them. i notice connie hiding in the nearby corn fields as more masked people walk up to the gate. i scan the group and notice a small woman standing in the middle, the only one not masked. the anger and fear rush through me, shivering my limbs. the woman walks to the front of the group, slithering her way through her masked friends. "i am alpha. and we only want one thing from you. my daughter."

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.