'yet you think we're the same? the skyline falls as i try to make sense of it all.' - suki waterhouse

if i could describe alexandria with one word it would definitely be blinded. i haven't even been here a day and i can see how they live. they are so shielded from the real outside world and it makes me sick. i don't understand how half these people here haven't even seen an infected yet they made it this far. the house deanna offered us is decorated with lots of white furniture and marble countertops. looks a lot like the kind of houses my dad used to build. i scan my eyes through the living room and turn to the stairs. the staircase seems like it goes on forever. i finally reach the top and i start looking into the rooms.

i pass the bathroom and double back realizing i hadn't taken a shower yet. i look down at the bottle and walk into the bathroom turning on the faucet. i peel the clothes off of me and they stuck to me like an extra layer of skin. my pale skin is coated in a layer of dirt and sweat. my hair stained with blood as a result of my recent fights. my check bones and collar bones are more defined from the last time i saw myself. my hair grew so much from when i cut it last. i stare at myself in the mirror, examining every inch of my face. my eyes have turned a darker blue and my hair a lighter red.  i follow my neck down to my shoulders which protrude out of my skin along with my ribs. bruises cover my body and my face along with my arms are swollen and covered in cuts from erik throwing me around.

honestly, the view of my body scares me. i'm so small and i look like i could snap from lack of food over the years. i turn away from the mirror and face the shower. i step in and the hot water hits my skin turning it pink from how hot i have it. i submerge my hair in the water and it feels like heaven. after a few moments of delight, i start to sob. i don't really know what i'm crying over but it feels good to get it out. i hear the stairs creak and hear joel stop in front of the door listening to my sobs. after a moment his footsteps recede and i no longer hear him.

i took as long as i wanted to wash my hair and scrub the dirt off of me. before the water turns cold i turn the handle and step out wrapping myself in the towel that is resting on the shelf. quietly, i make my way down the hall and stop in front of joel's room. he's passed out on his bed laying on top of the covers with a bottle of gin next to him. i walk over and throw a blanket over him since it's a tad cold in here. last thing i need is him complaining of a draft. 

after i change i decide that some water would be beneficial considering i lost my canteen weeks ago. i jump down the stairs pulling a hoodie and some shorts onto me as i go down and i grab a cup of water from the kitchen. as i'm climbing up the stairs with my water someone knocks on the door. i regret leaving my knife upstairs and i open the door. the cop from earlier is standing on my doorstep in normal clothes this time. "how can i help you tonight officer? shall i point you to a cat stuck in a tree or the donut shop?" i ask sarcastically. "no. i just wanted to see how you are doing. my group is relatively new here too and i know what it's like to be placed here after being out there." the man explains kindly and i sigh. "we're not here permanently." i reply. 

"oh, alright. well if you need anything my name is rick grimes. i live two houses down that way." rick points and i nod. "okay." i reply and he smiles walking off the porch back to his house. i step outside closing the door behind me and i walk down the street. there are a bunch of houses lining the road. there is an infirmary, an armory, and a church that is sitting right in the middle of the community. the armory was my particular interest but of course, when i try the handle it is locked. "you need something?" a voice from behind me says and i jump. "shit!" i explain turning around and seeing a boy wearing a cowboy hat standing in front of me. 

"jesus." i sigh. "you know the armory is off limits. especially to you." he asks. "go tell on me then." i reply walking off the porch of the armory and back to the road. "i'm carl, carl grimes. you met my dad." carl says following me. "yep." i reply just wanting him to leave me alone. "he said you seem nice." carl adds. "that's me." i say running up the steps of the temporary house. "are you going to go to school?" carl asks and i laugh. "school? there is a school? that's like so pathetic." i say and he nods. "i know. we got here last week and i still think this place is bullshit. it's safe and good for my sister to live in but the people here don't know what it's like out there. makes them weak." he explains. 

"exactly my opinion. that's why i don't want to stay, these people will make us weak." i say sitting down on the steps with a sigh, carl sits beside me. "are there other kids here? deanna mentioned it but i thought it was a ruse to make me wanna stay." i say and he nods. "yeah a few our age. my sister but she's a baby. some younger ones too." he says. "you guys staying here permanently?" i ask and carl shrugs. "i guess. my dad thinks that this is what's best for us and our group." carl answers. "there's more of you?" i ask lightly scoffing. "yeah. i bet you'd be able to point them out if we all lined up." he says with a laugh and i nod. "joel, wants to stay. he thinks it's best for me. i guess if i have to stay here i'd rather have one non-delusional person with me." i say looking out at the moon shining over the street.

"i get it. i thought i was fucked till i saw how you reacted when you guys first came in." he says shyly. "am i that big of an ass?" i ask him and he laughs. "yes." he replies and i lightly smile. "isa?" joel says opening the door. "oh, hey." i mutter turning around to face him. "you uh, coming in. it's cold out." he stutters. "yeah. gimme a minute." i say and he shuts the door. "wasted?" carl asks and i nod. "my dad was too the first night he found the drinks." carl says standing up. "well, i'm guessing i'll see you around." i say opening the door. "why don't we meet up tomorrow? i can give you the grand tour. meet a few people?" carl blurts out and i nod. "yeah, sure." i say before closing the door. 

i catch myself smirking like an idiot as i run up the steps. i pass joel's room and he is waiting at the doorway. "you change your mind?" he asks clearly drunk. "yeah, i guess this place isn't too bad." i reply and he laughs to himself. "you wanna grab me some water and a trash can?" he asks and i look at his sickened completion. "sure." i groan walking to the bathroom and grabbing the garbage and filling his cup up. i bring it back down the hall to joel's room and set them beside him. "you better be sober tomorrow." i say shutting his door and walking into my room. i shut the door behind me and flop onto my bed looking out the window. i notice i can see carl's house from here and what i'm guessing is his room. i watch him pull a gun out from under his bed and start cleaning it at his desk. "lucky." i mumble remembering i gave my only gun to deanna. i roll over looking at the ceiling and closing my eyes. 

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last night's sleep was the best sleep i had in a long time. the sun shines straight into my window and blinds me as i open my eyes. "isa!" i hear joel calling from downstairs. "what?!" i shout back. i wait for an answer but i get no response. worried these people turned on us i run downstairs in hopes of not finding joel held captive again. "joel?" i call out as i jump down the steps. "mornin'." he says sipping coffee at the counter. "i thought you were being murdered or eaten alive, or something." i say opening the fridge and grabbing some freshly made orange juice. "i needed you up." he mumbles taking a bite of his toast. "why?" i ask pouring the juice into a glass. "i'm going on a run today with some others. i wanted to tell you before i left." he says and my eyes light up. "we just got here. can't it wait?" i ask. "if we're gonna stay here we need to pull our weight." he answers. "can i come?" i ask him.

"no." he says setting his toast down on the plate. "why not, joel?" i ask. "too dangerous. plus you're still recovering." he says. "so are you! you're so lame." i say sitting down in his seat. "you're so lame." he repeats with a mouth full of toast and runs upstairs. i groan and drag myself upstairs to get changed but soon realised i'm out of clothes. joel knocks on my door and then comes in. "a lady, i think her name was carol, brought these for you." he says handing me a pile of clothes which included a fancy dress. "a dress?" i ask him making a face. "they're having some party sometime this week and deanna wants everyone to go. wear it and don't complain." he says shutting the door behind him.

i throw the dirty clothes on my bed and hear another knock. "okay joel, i'll wear the dress it's not a big deal!" i yell assuming it's him. "it's carl. come on." carl says. i open the door and he's standing there waiting for me. "how'd you get in?" i ask him and he shrugs. "come on they're waiting." carl says and i follow him down the stairs. "bye joel." i say storming out the door behind carl. 

"just so you know mikey and ron are a bit much, and enid don't expect her to say anything." carl says as we walk up the steps of a house nearby. "got it." i say walking into the house. "hi, you must be isa. carl has told us so much about you." a blonde woman says greeting us in the kitchen. "already?" i say turning to look at carl. he clears his throat and smirks. "isa, this is jessie anderson. ron and sam's mom." carl says introducing me. "hey." i say back following the hallway to the stairs. once we reach the top carl opens the door and waits for me to join him.

i walk in paying close attention to ron's room. video games scattered across the floor, comics stacked on shelves, bean bags sat in front of a tv. "hey guys, this is isa." carl says sitting down on one of the beanbags. "hi. i'm ron. that's mikey and enid." ron says pointing to the other people in the room. after taking a good glance at me the boys turn to look at the tv and i turn to enid. "cool comic." i say sitting beside her on the bed. "thanks." she replies shortly not looking away from the comic. the awkwardness becomes unbearable and i stand up. "i think i should go say goodbye to joel before he leaves. ill see you later, carl." i say quickly leaving the house.

i couldn't stand another minute in there. everything made me mad. the posters hung on the wall of old rock bands, the fact that they had a working tv, and how carl just left me to fend for myself with those people. i'm nothing like them. i'm jealous of them that they have this easy life. they have no idea what id do to have a life like theirs.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

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