'he was never on your side god was never on your side.' - motorhead

days have passed since that night, maybe a week, i'm not sure. people have tried to come visit. tara has left a basket of things outside on my doorstep along with some other things from aaron and enid. carl ended up breaking in through the backdoor after a day or two to check on me. i don't want company. i don't want to face anyone. the guilt of glenn's death consumes me and i can see it on everyone's sad faces. my hands tremble as i write out my last letter. i've addressed one to enid, rick, michonne, ro, daryl, and carl. my plan is to leave at night when everyone here is asleep. i will go to the sanctuary myself and end this. of course, i know it would be a one-way ticket for me but as long as i kill negan first i don't care who gets to me.

i fold up carl's note and stick it under joel's pillow with the rest. a knock on the front door makes me jump and i pull back the curtain from joel's room to overlook the porch. carl stands there looking worried. i reach the front door and unlock it. he throws it open handing me some bottles of pills. "they are here." he says stuffing a couple of the pill bottles into random places throughout the kitchen and living room. my blood boils and the question rolls off my tongue. "is he here?" i ask roughly. 

carl ignores me and hands me my gun. he had taken it from me the night of the murder, rightfully so. "i'm trusting you with this. don't make me regret giving this back to you." he says sternly. i look at the gun for a second then shove it in my belt. "come." he says grabbing my hand and dragging me to the infirmary. down the road i see a couple of trucks pulling in through the gate. carl closes the door behind us and he checks the window once more before taking out his gun and checking the ammo. 

"get in the closet." he orders. "what?" i ask him. "just go." he says again. i turn quickly and step into the closet shutting the door behind me. i wait a couple of minutes being as quiet as i can. i hear the door swing open and a few saviors walk in. i gently turn the handle but it doesn't open, carl's locked me in. the saviors heavy steps rumble through the whole building. "where's all our medicine at?" one savior asks. "we set out half for you here." carl answers. the savior laughs and creaks open the medicine cabinet. "we set out half for you here." carl repeats more demanding. "half is what negan says it is." the saviors laughs. a gunshot rings through the air and i try to peek out of the crack in the door, i look for carl. he is standing with his gun pointing at a savior, the savior's gun pointing back at him. "put some back or the next one goes in you." carl threatens. 

"kid.." a man says chuckling. the crack in the door is enough space for me to look out and see negan's standing in the doorway with rick behind him. "carl, carl, put it down." rick says reaching for the gun. i bite my tongue hard as i watch the savior smile watching this all happen. "no. he's taking all of our medicine. they said only half our stuff." carl answers. "of course. oh-ho. really, kid?" negan smiles. "you should leave." carl replies looking right at negan. "well, pardon me, young man. excuse the shit out of my goddamn french, but did you just threaten me? look i get threatening davey over here, but i can't have it." negan answers and i pray he doesn't hurt carl or rick. 

"carl, just put it down." rick asks again and negan holds his hand up. "don't be rude, rick. we are having a conversation here. now, boy, where were we? oh, yeah. your giant, man-sized balls. no threatening us. listen, i like you, so i don't want to go hard proving a point here. you don't want that. i said half your shit, and half is what i say it is. i'm serious. do you want me to prove how serious? again?" negan asks and carl sighs, lowering his gun. he hands it to rick and negan turns grabbing the gun from rick's hand. "you know, rick, this whole thing reminds me that you have a lot of guns. there's all the guns you took from my outpost when you wasted all my people with a shit-ton of your own guns, and i'm bettin' there's even more, which adds up to an absolute ass-load of guns, and as this little emotional outburst just made crystal clear..i can't allow that." negan explains.

"they're all mine now. so tell me, rick- where are my guns? " he adds with a grin. after a moment rick leads the saviors out of the infirmary and carl unlocks the door. i climb out and hug him. "you're so fucking stupid." i say hugging him tight. i feel his arms wrap around my waist. "i'm sorry i locked you in there." he says still hugging me. "if i was out here i would've killed him, i wanted to, i tried to open the door." i say. "just hang here with me till they are gone, i doubt they are coming back here." he says letting go of me and sits on the counter. "i don't know if i can live like this." i say and he looks at me with sad eyes. "what do you mean?" he asks worriedly. "why don't we just leave? we can all go, there has to be another place like this over on the west coast, far from these people." i ask walking up to him and resting my hands on his knees. 

"we can't give up what we have here. we can fight them like you said, one day we will i know it. just till then we need to get ready." he explains grabbing my hands. "i might not be able to hang on for that long." i whisper trying to hide my trembling voice. "isa, please. i love you. i need you here with me. i promise you i will make this all right for us." he says kissing my forehead. "okay." i reply as a few tears drop onto his jeans. "you are my best friend, isa. you make this world worth living." he adds hugging me. my mind races and i think to tell him about my situation. he should know about it, but what if he wants to keep it? there is no way i can go through that after his mother lori, and what happened to maggie. i don't want to risk it. i decide to stay quiet and just embrace that the two of us are here. 

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rick had called everyone to the church for a meeting, i don't know what about but i hope it's something good. i can't take any more bad news. "i thought about hiding some of the guns." rick says pacing back and forth in front of the pews. "i did it before. i figured i could bury some out there. maybe we don't touch them for a few years." rick adds. "years?" tobin repeats. "yeah. that's right. but what if the saviors find those guns? what if we run into them when we have those guns on us? one of us dies." he explains, walking up and down the pews and looking at us sitting amongst him. 

carl sits next to me, holding my hand tight. "maybe more than just one, maybe a lot more than that. doesn't matter how many bullets we have. it isn't enough. they win. it's that black-and-white. hiding a couple of guns isn't the answer anymore. we don't have to like it, but we need to give them over. a glock 9 and .22 are missing from the inventory. that's what they're looking for. who has it?" rick asks and my heart races. fuck, i have them. i stole them from the inventory for when i go out to kill negan. i can't give them up, not now, i'm so close. "someone knows where they are or they know who does. if we don't find them, they are gonna kill olivia. they'll do it." rick says. it's fine, i'll leave tonight. i'll do it soon. "why do they care? two guns aren't a threat to them. but those guns could help protect us." scott explains standing up from his seat. 

"do you have 'em?" rick asks. "wish i did." he says sitting back down. "most of you weren't there. you didn't have to watch. but you can look away now when someone dies, or you can help solve this. we give them what they want, and we live in peace." rick says and i scoff a bit. we aren't living in peace, this is hell. "say we find the guns. how are we gonna get out of this?" eric asks. "there is no way out of this. let me put this to you all as clearly as i can. i'm not in charge anymore. negan is. now, who has the guns?" rick asks and i stand up and walk out of the church. 

it's bullshit. he is sitting there doing nothing. i'm keeping the guns, i'm the only one who wants to end this. i follow the sidewalk back to my house and i rush upstairs to joel's room. i grab his coat, my bag with the two guns and some supplies, and the notes. i open up the floorboards downstairs and shove it all in there. once i place the wood back i light a cigarette and grab a bottle of beer from the fridge. i sit down in the spot joel used to sit in and cry as i drink. 

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i don't remember dosing off. i set my empty beer bottle on the table and my burnt-down cig on the ashtray next to it. as i set it down i remember the thing inside me. i feel guilty, just a bit.  i stand up and notice the floorboards are moved. i thought i closed it after placing my stuff in there. i look and pull out the jacket, the letter, and a bag that feels significantly lighter. drowning in a panic i take everything out of the bag and see the two guns are gone. "fuck." i say resting my hands on my forehead. "you're pregnant?" i hear someone say as they walk down the stairs. i look up and see carl holding his letter. shit. "you're pregnant and you didn't tell me? what were you thinking? have another beer, isa!" he shouts. "carl." i say quietly standing up from the floor.

"no, go ahead! have more, that's all you do now, drink and lie!" he adds picking up the freshly empty beer bottle and throwing it on the floor. he looks over at my collection of bottles and shakes his head. "you're gonna kill it." he says looking at me. he waits a second and i don't know what to say. "how about your plan to leave? that's a suicide mission, isa. you would've died." he adds. "what do you want me to say, carl?" i ask him. "how about an apology? for all this shit you are putting everyone through. we all lost someone that night, it wasn't just you. joel was family to everyone here, stop pretending you are the only one hurt." he says tossing the letter onto the counter as he sits down on the couch resting his head in his hands. 

"i'm sorry." i say quietly. he stands up and walks over to me, holding me. "you can't keep doing this." he says wrapping his arms around me. "i'm sorry." i say holding back tears. "i love you isa, but i can't keep doing this with you." he says hugging me tight. "i know." i say. we stand there in the living room for a few minutes. i wipe my eyes and he walks over and locks the front door before grabbing my hand and guiding me upstairs. it's dark out, i had slept the rest of the day away. carl takes off his jeans and shirt as i get changed as well. i lay down next to him and he pulls up the blanket to cover me. 

"my dad had everyone search the houses for the guns. i came over to get you so you could help and i saw you asleep. i was gonna carry you upstairs till i stepped on the floor and i felt funny. i took the floorboards off and found the guns and the letters." he explains and i sigh. "i only opened mine, i left the rest. i gave my dad the guns." he adds. "was he mad?" i ask. "he doesn't know you had them. i said i found them in the bushes of them an empty house on the street over." he says. "thank you." i add. "you should've told me what you were planning. i would've gone with you. i will go with you." he says. "really?" i say, of course i won't be taking him. my plan is a bit delayed but that doesn't mean i am not going to go. 

"yeah, isa. i don't want you doing things like that by yourself." he says setting a hand on my stomach. i turn and face the opposite way at his touch. "you don't want it, do you?" he asks me. "i don't want to die." i say and i can feel him lean a bit closer. "that won't happen." he says. "really? lori died." i say without checking my tone. i can feel him back up and then the light shuts off. we both lay on opposite sides of the bed and my silent tears fall and dampen my pillow. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

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