'now it's been long enough to talk about it i've started not to doubt it, just wrap my head around it.' - cults

it took all night to clear alexandria. by morning denise had stitched carl up and did all she could. after i killed my last walker i came inside. everyone else but rick, michonne, and i are outside waiting for news on when carl will wake. rick and michonne sit in the living room with judith as i sit beside carl watching his chest slowly move up and down. my eyes burn from exhaustion and from tears escaping. "carl." i say quietly hoping he will wake up. 

"we were wrong, carl. we thought they couldn't handle the world. i saw what they could do, they can handle it. we just need to have faith in them. we need faith in this place because when i see myself in ten years i'm here with you. we can have snot nose kids with a messy house that sits at the end of the street overlooking the dirty pond. we can have a dog and family game nights. we almost lost that last night but these people saved our future. so please wake up so we can have the stinky kids and messy house 'cause i don't want anything without you." i say crying again letting out a few laughs at my imagination.

"i want that for us. i want it all for you and me." i add and his one finger moves a bit causing me to gasp. i push my chair out and rush into the living room. "he moved. his finger moved. i was talking to him and he moved his finger." i say crying and rick and michonne both stand up and walk into the room. i sob and walk outside past all our family who is calling after me for an update. i run out into the road and start down the street passing a familiar motorcycle. i run over and see daryl and joel unpacking a bunch of food into the storage room. "joel?" i call out with my voice breaking a smidge. "oh, isa." he says setting a box down and hugging me. "i'm so sorry, baby girl. i hate i left you here." he says as i cry. daryl gives me a half smile then walks into the house of the storage room carrying a box. 

"i thought you were gone. they told me you were dead." i say and he pulls away and looks at me. "i'd never leave you. never." he says and it makes me cry more. "come on." he says holding onto me as he brings me home.

⋇⋆✦⋆⋇

it's been a month since the accident. carl is better. his eye wasn't salvageable so he wears a wrap just till it's healed. he is weird about it though. he won't let me see it or help him change his bandages. everyone is back home now where they belong. judith just said her first word, dada, which rick takes all the credit for, even though it was all carl. joel and daryl have become so close i rarely see joel without him. joel had suspected my birthday was sometime soon and brought me back a guitar. he had started to teach me a bit and i can play a few things. 

alexandria is looking better than ever. they rebuilt the wall and fixed up the broken bits on the houses along with all the landscaping and crops that were destroyed. we are all thriving. i have a good feeling about this. "isa?" joel says from the other side of my door. i throw the blanket off and open it. "i'm going on a run with rick and daryl. i won't be gone long maybe a few hours." joel says strapping on his broken watch. "just a few hours?" i ask him and he nods. i hate when he leaves. id rather go with him but he won't let me on runs. "be safe. ill see you later then." i answer and he walks downstairs as i flop back onto my bed. it's no longer warm since i got up so i jump up and walk into the bathroom. 

i turn the faucet and let it run for a second before getting in and soaking my hair. "isa!" i hear from downstairs. "i'm in the shower!" i yell back. carl stomps upstairs and sits on the bathroom floor. "you coming out with me today?" he asks. "i guess so. joel is gone and enid is in a mood." i reply squirting shampoo into my hand and rubbing it into my hair. "shit, can you hand me the body wash?" i ask him sticking my hand out of the curtain. he hands me the bottle and i get all soapy and then rinse off. "is my towel out there?" i ask him. he hands me it and i open the curtain after tying it around me. "i need you to do something for me." carl says. 

i brush through my hair and turn to look at him. he's holding a bandage. "sit." i say and he sits down as i sit next to him. "what's with the sudden change?" i ask him and he hesitantly hands me the bandage. "denise is busy and michonne is on watch, plus my dad told me i can't do anything till i get it changed." he says as he takes his hat off and unwraps his face. "i know it's gross." he says after i open the bandage and look at his face for any infection. "would you shut up and let me work?" i say with a smile. "really though if it makes you uncomfortable i can get maggie to do it." he says. "stop." i answer wrapping the rest of the bandage around his head.

"see? was that so hard? no." i say standing up and squirting some toothpaste on my toothbrush. "you got any more of this?" i ask him. "no you used mine too." he smiles. "my bad." i answer putting the minty toothbrush in my mouth. carl tells me about his restocking of comics out in the woods. he decided it would be cooler to have our own designated spot in the trees so he stole an old safe and we have it buried under some leaves. i walk back to my room and he follows. "okay, turn around." i say and he does as he still talks about the new addition of x-man that rick got him. i pull my shirt and pants on then i get some socks and follow carl out the door and over the wall.

we walk for a bit till i see a blue bag on the ground i pick it up and open it pulling out a paper. "what's it say?" carl asks. "it got wet. it's gone." i say looking at the wet paper in my hands. "come on." he says walking ahead of me. "it doesn't look that old." i say following him. "yeah?" he adds. "we can't read it but obviously this is a message." i say. "from who?" carl asks. "i don't know, aliens?" i say with a stifled laugh. "great. first, dead people walking now aliens." he says stomping through the leaves. "why are we coming out here? don't say for comics. we have space for them at home." i say. "'cause we're kids. it's what they do." he explains. "okay, you get shot again and suddenly you're a rebel." i say and he doesn't answer "sorry." i say biting my tongue.

we walk for a bit more then carl takes his hat off and sits against a log. he opens the safe and pulls out a comic. i sit beside him looking over the paper from earlier. he takes a bite of the pepperette he brought then hands me it. the leaves in front of us rustle and we both look up seeing michonne and spencer walking around farther ahead. carl shoves the comics back in the safe and we both stand up. "come on." i say to him but he just pulls his gun out. "what are you doing?" i ask him. "it's just michonne and spencer." he says sitting back down. "okay? can we go? i don't want to be out here anymore." i say. "you're scared? really? it's fine just sit." he snaps. "what were they doing?" i ask. "walking. i don't know." he answers. "carl, i don't want to come out here anymore." i add. "okay." he sighs. 

i follow him through the trees till some low growling stops us both in our tracks. he holds his arm out to stop me from walking any closer. he pulls his gun out and chases after the infected. "carl." i call after him. "carl, it's just one." i say following him. "michonne's out here, im not leaving it." he snaps again and i scoff. he whistles and the walker turns around to face us. it's deanna. "hey, come on." he calls. "what are you doing? just leave her." i say. "just go." carl argues. "are you crazy? no, i'm not leaving you out here alone." i snap back. "i'm fine, i can take care of myself." he says leading deanna through the trees. "we should just kill her." i say pulling my knife out. "no. go home." he says.

"no." i snap. "isa." he argues. "this is bullshit. she's dead, carl." i exclaim walking ahead and he grabs my arm, hard. i look into his eyes and they are glazed over with a stare i've only seen once before. i wiggle out of his grip and stumble back fixing my bag that is drooping off my shoulder. "grab me like that again i swear to god, carl." i snap and he lets go. deanna creeps up behind me and grabs my shoulders. carl pushes her off. "just kill it!" i yell. "we can't." he says. "what the fuck is your problem? you were fine till i told you i wanted to leave." i ask him and he shakes his head. "you don't get it." he mumbles. "tell me, carl. i'm not doing this." i say. "you didn't want to be out here you just said it. go back then." he says. "you're an asshole." i say turning to leave. i stomp back to the wall and climb over walking back home.

in the dark and empty streets, below the moonlight, i see daryl, rick, joel, and a few others pull a man from their car and drag him into the house we use for a holding cell. "joel!" i call out and he shuts the door behind his friends. "hey." he says resting his hands on his hips. "who is that?" i ask and he shakes his head. "uh, nobody really." he answers. "can you not like, lie to me?" i snap. "somethin' piss you off?" he asks as we walk back. "carl. he's being a dick and he grabbed me real hard." i say and joel sighs. "he didn't hurt you or anything, right?" he asks sternly. i shake my head. "well did you um, talk to him about it?" he asks awkwardly. "this isn't your subject, huh?" i ask and he laughs dryly. "no it isn't. never was." he says and i remember his daughter from before. she would have been 20 now. we pass carl's house and he's out on the porch with judith. 

"go talk with him. holler if you need me." joel says so i turn and walk up the steps. i sit down in the chair beside him. "see that one? that's the north star. it's at the end of the little dipper. if you get lost at night just find that star." he explains to judith. "carl." i say. "what happened today?" i ask him. "im gonna take her in." he says standing up. "carl." i say again and he turns to look at me. "you know, what you did out there?" i ask standing up. "yeah?" he asks. "you should've just left her or killed her." i say and he sighs. "no, that's stupid." he says. "no stupid is playing with them." i say back. "i wasn't playing. i couldn't kill her." he says. "why carl?" i ask annoyed. "because." he answers. "carl." i snap. "i couldn't. i wouldn't." he stutters. "yeah, so you were playing around with her then." i say throwing my hands up in the air. "no!" he exclaims.

"then why?" i ask. "because it should be someone who loved her, someone whose family. i'd do it for you." he exclaims and i feel my face soften. "i would." he adds and i hug him. "me, too. id do it for you too." i say. 

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

school is almost out omg!

 i can't believe i'm going to be a senior next year.. 

also i deactivated my tiktok account.. HEAR ME OUT. i may or may not go back into it but right now i just don't have the motivation to keep it up. i still enjoy making edits for my books but right now i just want to focus on writing and getting this book done for y'all. 

A

<3