AN OLD FRIEND

☀︎

IT WAS AN EXHAUSTING NIGHT AFTER THE BASKETBALL GAME BUT ROBIN BUCKLEY WAS FULL OF ENERGY. She nearly found herself bouncing off the walls just from being in the Henderson's house. She didn't quit as she went on about how amazing the game had been. Basketball wasn't really her thing but with everything added to a final buzzer shot, it made it her new thing.

Robin went into detail about how her chest swelled, desperate for a breath of air as Alex led her back to her room. Despite being at the very game, hearing Robin retell it was refreshing. She described everything too far in detail and unintentionally made jokes throughout. The only hassle had been that Alex had to carry the food they picked up all while having a hand on Robin's back just to keep her walking.

Bursting through the door, Robin had looked around with a large smile. She expected to feel right back at home being in Alex's room. Their many sleepovers made it feel as if she left a part of herself in the room as well. But as she spun around, her smile started to fade just before she came to a complete stop.

Alex took a seat on her bed, pulling out their food, unaware of Robin's unusual silence. Robin's face was stuck in wonder as she couldn't help but look around the fairly empty room. Against a wall were cardboard boxes that weren't so easy to ignore. She always felt comfortable in Alex's room, so making a beeline towards those boxes, she opened the top one.

Reaching in, she yanked out books and journals, clutching them to her chest as she made a pile in her hands. Turning towards Alex, she looked at her in confusion. "What is this?"

Finally, Alex looked up to Robin. "I'm just cleaning out my room. Starting over."

Dropping the pile down to the floor, Robin yanked out another box and rifled through clothes. Finding a hoodie, she frowned and held it up to herself. "No, Henderson, this is your favorite. You wear it all the time."

Getting up from the bed, Alex took the hoodie back and tossed it into the box. "That's Steve's. If you want it, you can have it. Or you can give it back to him." She bent down and picked up her books and journals as she frowned to herself. "Maybe he can give it to Brenda." Tossing her belongings back into the box, she brought herself back to her bed.

On her knees, Robin looked back at her in disbelief and hurt. For a small moment, she thought things were able to go back to normal, but it was much more than just seeing Alex smile. She changed her life and turned it around, not just shutting out people, but all the memories she made along the way. As if she was protecting herself.

Slowly, she got up from her knees as her eyes traveled the room. Her interest in her food had been in the back of her mind as she searched for any sign that some part of Alex had wanted to be happy again. Running her fingertips against a now bare wall, she wondered how Alex could throw away all the pictures that once filled it. Dropping her hand, she felt a new sense of excitement fill her as she began opening her drawers. If there was one thing about Alex that never changed was her love for all of her photos. It wasn't something she would so easily toss out to move on from, but it was something Robin had to search for.

Digging through the last drawer, Robin held up a stack of papers. Furrowing her brows, she looked as all of them had been signed by Jonathan. A part of her was jealous and something about Robin was she never got jealous that easily when it came to her friends. She knew where she stood with Alex. What irked her heart was that Jonathan knew not to give up so easily as she had. Even many miles away, he put in an effort that she wished she had stuck to.

Swallowing hard, she put them back into her drawer and gently shut it with her hands. Her eyes lingered around the room until the corners of her lips curled into a grin. Falling to her knees, she leaned down and peeked her head under her bed. Alex gave a small sigh as she peeked over the edge of her bed at Robin. "What are you doing now?"

Robin's smile grew large as she moved the many notes throughout the years that Alex had collected from Steve Harrington to find a box. Pulling it out, she popped open the top and a breathy laugh escaped as she moved it on top of the bed. "You're still so predictable, Henderson, it's insane." Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, Robin pulled the box onto her lap and looked at the photos that filled to the very top. "You'd never throw this shit away." Lifting a stack of photos, she bit her bottom lip in pure joy as she rifled through each one. Whether it had been ones with her, or Steve, or any of the kids, she was just happy to see they all survived Alex's purge of her room.

Looking over Robin's shoulder to see what she had found, Alex let out a disappointed sigh as she sat back in her spot. Of everything, she wished she had it in her to let it go just the same as everything else. "I was going to mail some of them to Jonathan but you can take whatever ones you want," she said.

When Robin hadn't made a sound, Alex grew concerned as she moved closer to her. Resting her chin on her shoulder, Alex watched as she looked through a stack of photos with nothing but a smile.

"You can't get rid of these," Robin whispered, turning over the stack for her to see. All it did was cause Alex pain to see how things used to be for her. "They mean way too much to you."

"They're just pictures, Robin." Alex's voice was quiet— almost inaudible as she kept her eyes on the top picture. It would always be more than just memories— they were a part of her. Taking the picture from Robin's hands, Alex felt herself starting to smile through the hurt she felt inside. It was their first sleepover since everything that happened at Starcourt. It was a time before the guilt had truly set in and overtook Alex's life. Back then she was able to still fake the smile and hide away the suffering she was dealing with. Then she let it consume her and she changed into someone she didn't even recognize any longer.

Extending it back out, she couldn't meet Robin's eyes. "You can keep it."

Robin hesitantly took it back into her hands. Looking it over, she wished she could go back to a time like that. One thing she couldn't do was accept that Alex could give it all away to be alone forever. Standing up from the bed, she left the box of photos beside Alex and headed to the bare wall out in front of them. Taking a pin off of Alex's desk, she looked over the wall before she placed it right in the middle— back to where it belonged, on display for anyone that came into this room to see who Alex's family was. "It belongs to you."

Silence started to brew between the two as they looked at that one picture of them. Alex had a sad smile as she missed the memories the two had and all those they missed out on when she left her behind. Robin, on the other hand, felt regret.

She took a seat back beside Alex, resting her head on her shoulder, and let out a sigh. "I should have tried harder... when you stopped talking to me. I shouldn't have let it happen, Henderson. I didn't want you to think I chose Steve over you or that I didn't care." That was her greatest fear. That all this time she only left her behind was because she picked Steve over her. That wasn't the case, far from, but she needed Alex to know she needed both of them always. It was never a fight.

Alex placed her head on top of hers with a sad smile. "I knew you cared," she responded softly. "I'm really happy you had Steve. He's good."

"He is," Robin whispered. "Don't get me wrong, he's still a total shmuck, but he's great. But he should have tried harder too."

Alex closed her eyes as she fought herself to not pull away. "He did," Alex admitted. That was the truth, he was always trying to be there until she shut him out for so long that he felt he had no option but to walk away from it all. Pulling her head off her, Alex couldn't take the grief of reliving the memory and sat further back on her bed. Sitting crisscross, she kept her eyes down, wishing that they had decided to eat their dinner and listen to Robin and her adorable rambling. "He kept coming by, kept asking to see me. Dustin tried to get me to come out, but I couldn't. I couldn't see him after what I did to him. I was scared and I only scared him."

Robin gradually inched her way back into the bed, cautious not to make a noise as she listened to Alex. Had she scared her off, there was a chance she wouldn't hear the story. All she wanted was to understand what happened that night. Only Steve and Alex knew and they told no one. It was as if it was a secret that stayed between the two and only ever them. That it was so unbearable that neither of them could bring themselves to ever share it with anyone else, not even each other.

"He never talked about it," she said gently. "He just came to work and... and he told me you two broke up. Then he was quiet and he's... he's never quiet."

Alex's eyes looked over to Robin in astonishment and doubt. "He didn't tell you?" Robin only shook her head in response, her breath held, never taking her eyes off Alex as she waited to hear any detail of that night. She knew she would regret it, but Alex gave in to Robin's pleading eyes. "I didn't know I was going to break up with him. I didn't plan it, you know. He was spending the night and... and I had a nightmare."

Her words turned into soft whispers and a fear Robin hadn't seen in a while come to her eyes. "It was so real. And I've had nightmares before, but they were nothing like this. I woke up screaming and I was just trying to get away. And... and Steve— he was scared and he wanted to help me. It made it worse. I told him to go and I didn't want to see him anymore. I woke everyone up in my house and Dustin... he was so scared. And I... I just locked myself away. And when Steve came back, I told him that I meant it... that I meant everything I said. That I couldn't be with him. I couldn't even look at him when I did it either."

Alex's lips sealed together as she turned to Robin, revealing the tears that sat at the edge of her eyes. Then she smiled, but there was nothing but pure anguish. "He always said he was a shitty boyfriend and it turns out I was the world's shittiest girlfriend. I knew how bad it'd hurt him and I still broke up with him. He should move on. That's what I want for him, even if it kills me."

Robin's chest rose and fell, taking a hit to her heart she never expected. Comforting Alex, she placed a hand over hers but couldn't attempt even the slightest smile. Nothing about it was okay. "You're not shitty, Henderson. Far from. I just... I can't understand how either of you thinks moving on is what's for the best. Like nothing the two of you went through mattered. It did and it still does. So I'm sorry I won't accept some bozo like Brenda or Heidi to be the girl he ends up with. It's always been you. He'll always love you."

Tears welled up in Alex's eyes as she looked over to Robin with a halfhearted smile. Hearing that he would always love her changed something in her. She could tell herself he still did, but that meant nothing when she barely trusted herself. One person she depended on was Robin and to have it come from her, it was everything. "I'll always love him too. I just think he deserves better than someone like me. I'm totally broken."

Robin held on tight to the stack of photos in her hands. Totally broken was not how she would have described Alex Henderson. Right now she was lost, but that didn't define her. She was smart, and too kind except when her family was in trouble-- then it meant someone like Tommy would end up with a bloody nose from her doing, and she made everyone around her feel safe like they were meant to find her in this cruel world. She was a beacon of light despite all the darkness that consumed her.

Sighing, Robin passed over the stack of photos. Unable to meet her eyes, Robin felt herself grow choked up. "I used to watch you too, you know. Not because I had some crush on you either. I was just... desperate. I was desperate to be your friend and I didn't know how. I mean, everyone thought you had a screw loose but I think that's what made me want to be your friend. I was just jealous. Not of you either, but of everyone else. Of Steve and Nancy and Jonathan and Barb and Carol."

Robin shook her head as she finally looked beside her to Alex. Now she had tears clouding her vision just the same as Alex. "I was jealous of Billy and Tommy. Even assholes like that who didn't deserve to have you in their lives. So I just watched." A sad smile broke out across her face at the memory of finally getting that chance to be one of those people who got to love her. "And then Steve got the job and I was actually excited because that meant I'd finally get to talk to you. And I never looked back after that. You were actually my friend because I ended up slinging ice cream with Steve goddamn Harrington-- a total shmuck. Then losing you was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I can't even begin to imagine how he felt. Because he loves you and he's like... some lost puppy. He's out there with all the wrong girls and he hates them all because they aren't you. Broken or not, Henderson, we love you. It has shocked me to my core, but you and Steve, you two are the greatest thing to happen to me. Your insane relationship is what made us all friends."

Alex's teeth ached the harder she bit down in order to hold herself together. Everything in her fought to not allow herself to cry. Through all this hurt she knew she was hurting her friends all the same, but she always told herself it was for their own good— so they could be happy. To hear how no matter what she did, she was still causing pain, it killed her inside.

On top of the stack of photographs, Alex looked at the one from the Snowball— all of her kids. Back then it was supposed to be over and she was supposed to be happy. Back then she knew how bad she hurt, how she masked the pain for everyone else. Then it was easier to tuck it all away and force a smile. No one was the wiser.

A droplet had fallen from her face and fell on top of the picture, Alex now realizing that no matter how much she resisted, she was crying. Wiping away her tears with the back of her hand, she set the stack down and forced herself to look down at her empty hands. "I love you, Robin." Through her words, her voice broke, terrified that letting herself continue to love them would only make things worse. "And I'm afraid of the person I've become. I miss everyone. I miss Hopper." Unable to keep them back, she let the tears spill out creating warm streaks of suffering fall onto her lap. "I didn't say goodbye to him and I can't live with myself if something happens and I don't get to say goodbye to one of you guys either. I feel like I could have done more to save him and I should have saved Billy for Max. And I couldn't do that. I can't do anything right."

Robin's mouth parted in disbelief as she scooted closer to Alex. Wrapping her arm around her, she forced Alex to lean into her. "You're a goddamn superhero, Henderson. What happened at Starcourt was not your fault."

"I should have told him. I should have told Hopper the second I started feeling him— the nosebleeds, the headaches, the feeling of him breathing down my neck. He would have done something like calling Owens to get here and save us." She held her breath as her eyes shut in agony. "And I brushed it off because I was scared. As if me being scared was more important than all those people that died. More important than him. Me being quiet killed so many people and it made the Byers flee the state. I can't even pick up the phone when they call because all I feel is blame. That maybe they ran away because of me and what I did. It wouldn't have been the first time I screwed up either because... because I left Barb the night that monster took her. I left for a minute and she was gone and I didn't even think twice about it until we realized she was missing. I can't do that to anyone again. I can't lose any of you guys because of my mistakes. I wouldn't be able to live with myself."

Robin continued to rub her back as she listened to Alex's broken words. Tears spiked in her eyes but she told herself that it wasn't fair for her to cry. It hurt to know what Alex was going through all this time, but she didn't have to live with it. Alex did. Right now, she needed to be there as a shoulder to lean on, someone to take that pain away from her even for just a few minutes. "You could never hurt us, Alex, because none of this is your fault. Blame the shitheads at Hawkins Lab, blame every freakin' monster that tried to screw with you. It isn't you and it never was. And I'm not letting you push me away anymore." She moved closer, holding Alex against her as she spoke gently, quietly. "You're not some curse, you're my best friend. You went through hell, more than once may I add, and I plan on being there through this hell."

Alex couldn't find the right words to say. Robin was perfect. She was everything she needed after all this time. Someone to just hold onto and cry. No matter what nightmares she had of those she loved, they stayed in the back of her mind when she could easily take that pain away. Reaching over, she grabbed Robin's free hand and squeezed it tightly. "I'm so sorry, Robin. I-I should have been there this... this entire time."

"I should've been there for you all the same," Robin scoffed. "We're a team. Always have been. Baby steps, that's all you need. And you took a big one going to that game, may I add. Insanely proud. Pretty sure your presence caused a fear in Lucas' coach that both of his parents were finally there and ready to kick ass that he was still on the bench."

Through her tears, Alex actually managed a laugh. It was a small bubble, but it was enough to have Robin sigh in relief. "And, I'm actually going to kick some ass too," Robin added in quickly. "Who the hell is Steve to even look at another girl with his perfect girl sitting front row. He's a total moron! As if Brenda would adopt a bunch of children and fight monsters with him. Moron!"

Alex felt herself smiling but pulled herself off of Robin enough to send her a playful glare. "He may be a total moron, but you can't blame him for moving on." Wiping away her tears with her sleeve, she sniffled her nose, seeing clearly now how much she needed someone like Robin back in her life. Not just to talk to but to smile, to laugh, to take all that pain away just by simple jokes.

"Moving on?" Robin questioned in disbelief. "He's a total sucker for you! How does one plan to move on when he has your picture in his wallet, and all over his room, and your books and tapes still sitting around his room and in his car? It's like... it's like he's purposely hanging onto it all because he has this sliver of hope left that you'll come back."

Alex shook her head as she laid back on her pillow. She watched the ceiling as she thought about what Robin said. Then she started to glow. "He really kept everything?"

Robin looked over her shoulder and when she saw Alex so hopeful, she turned back around to not scare her back into her shell and hide her emotions away. "Everything," she repeated in a delicate whisper.

"And you think he still loves me?"

"With every fiber of my being, I have full faith."

Alex's eyes moved across the ceiling as she got lost in her head. Her smile began to fade and a frown quickly replaced it. "I mean, he could still keep those things and love me, but he... he wouldn't take me back. What I did was worse than what any other girl did to him."

Robin looked down at her lap and began to pick at her nail polish. "I think he would," she whispered. Steve was just as predictable as Alex was. She was the one person in this world he would give up everything for, together or not.

Sitting up, Alex let out a small sigh. Too many doubts floated through her mind and even if Robin told her that if she called Steve at this moment, he'd take her back, she'd still deny that's how he felt. So she reached out and grabbed their food. Handing off Robin her fries, Alex took one for herself and shrugged. "I think Vickie is perfect for you, by the way. I know you say you constantly ramble on and on... But if she was really the one, she'd love you for your quirks. Because I do. And I... I know we don't know if she's into girls but... if she paused Fast Times..."

"Don't say it," Robin interrupted in distress.

"I think Steve's right, is all. She likes boobies."

Groaning loudly, Robin held her arms out as she fell back into the bed with a groan. "You two are impossible." She tried to stay annoyed but when Alex laughed and fell into the spot beside her, everything was normal and she couldn't help but let out a small laugh as well. Turning her head, she looked beside her at Alex and wondered how she had survived months without her. Impossible or not, this was how it was always supposed to be.

The rest of the night went exactly like that, with teasing, and laughing that had their stomachs hurt, and their hearts so full after all this time of feeling empty inside. Then the night fell, and with Robin fast asleep, things did end up back to how they were. Letting go of old habits was hard no matter how comfortable the night grew to be for Alex.

She sat at the edge of her bed and with a heavy sigh and lifted herself to her feet. It was another night of staying awake as long as she could to avoid the consumption of her neverending nightmares. Making her way around her room, she stood before the boxes that Robin had rummaged through. Reaching into the top box, she pulled the first article of clothing out and held it against her chest. With her eyes closed, she smiled at the thought of Steve Harrington being so close to her in the simplest of ways.

Tonight he may have been with someone different, but for once, it didn't go far. Instead, he pulled up to Brenda's house and called his goodbyes from the driver's seat as she got out on her own. He didn't even walk her up to the door. There was no goodnight kiss or anything more. Seeing Alex again forced him to realize that it wasn't worth it because he could only ever think about her. The way she smiled when she looked at Robin or laughed when Lucas held her in his arms, it's all he could think of. It was easier to move on with other girls if he didn't have to see her, tonight was different. Agonizing, but different.

She felt all the same as him as she pulled his sweatshirt over her head and wore it just to be closer to him. Making her way back to her bed, she took the box of pictures Robin rifled through and took a seat. It was full of every piece of memory she was willing to let go just to be happy— to hide away. When she came across one of Jim Hopper and her, one he didn't want but forced a smile for anyway, her heart grew dark. Setting the box off to the side, she held that picture in her hand with tears stinging her eyes. Standing up, she stepped up to the wall and stuck a pin in it. Right next to the one of her and Robin. Back to the box, she pulled out the one from the Snowball and pinned it up beside those. It was a start, that's all it was.

Even if the nightmare she would face tonight would be the worst she's ever went up against. Tonight the curse of Vecna would fall upon Hawkins, Indiana. Soon they would all fall back into the nightmare and together, they would do everything they could to put an end to a brand new threat— or perhaps an old friend they haven't met yet.