❝ 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏 𝒊𝒔 𝒃𝒆𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒊𝒇𝒖𝒍. ❞

this is what you said to me. although it's a simple four-word reference, it made my heart flutter. how are you capable of doing that? you manage to make my heart flutter so easily, and you always have. 

it's actually kind of funny . . . don't you think? i know exactly how you feel (you must've told me a hundred times by now), and yet, you don't know how i feel—or rather, how i've been feeling. i lied to you. i did, and i'm so sorry. i thought that lying to you would've made things easier for you and less complicated for me, but i'm coming to realize that none of this is fair to you. i was being selfish. i haven't been fair to you at all. 

at first, i tried scaring you off. i thought, foolishly, that if i tried letting go of you, you'd let go of me, too. i thought that maybe you'd be better off without a person like me. but then i felt like an idiot. my methods of scaring you off had only hurt you. it pulled us stronger, i should say. i felt awful for what i did, and told myself that i would never do it again. you're too precious to me. 

in all honestly, i was just nervous and very afraid.however, that this isn't an excuse, and i know it isn't. nothing i say will excuse my behavior, actions, or words. 

i'm still afraid, though. the fear is honestly suffocating. aren't you afraid, too? how can you be so fearless? it's something i admire about you. you always say that you're weak, but that's not true at all. i'm proud of you. i really am. i wish i could tell you these things directly, instead of hiding behind the safety of a pen and paper. i'm still only human, though.

i envy your fearlessness, to be quite honest. i worry about so much, and i ask myself so many questions. i mean, how would you react if i told you everything? what would you say? where would we go from there?

you and i. trust me, i like the sound of it as much as you do. but . . . there are just so many factors playing against us, love. 

maybe we can figure things out down the road. maybe i can get my feelings straight and finally confess to you. we can get through it together, can't we? i trust you. we can trust each other.

-𝐒