↻ AUTHOR ࿐྄ྀ Kikibtsstan
↻ REVIEWER ࿐྄ྀ PLUM_PUDDING_STORIES
First Light :: 11/20

» Title :: 3/5

Title is a shortened text that justifies the label of your book. Title is a form of attraction in which readers are in a state of confusion and on the verge of trying to have a peek at your book. The title was okay but didn't attract attention. The genre is fantasy. The title should be more fascinating or attention grabbing. Don't use 'common fantasy words' try to be creative and think out of the box. You should be able to clarify to the readers what the book will be like from the title they read, because the title is the first thing a reader reads.

» Cover ::  5/10

Book cover is the next illustration that demonstrates the cover of your book. Cover creation should be aligned with the theme and the genre of your story. The cover creates a picture that remains in the reader's mind and it should be done with creativity to grab the attention of your targeted audience. The only good thing about your cover was the background which was the only thing that gained you marks in this criteria. The background colour matched with the theme of your story well.

The font style and colours didn't blend in well and the positions of the texts weren't stationed at the right place, frankly it was quite tricky to use with the thick outlines. Use a strong style of font that expresses the feeling that you want to convey. A strong and a bold font would suffice.

» Blurb :: 3/5

A blurb should always represent information that makes the reader to be interested and intrigued in your work. It's the first chance you get to impress the reader with your writing skills. If this extract of details are interesting the readers would want to read more of your work.

I get the general idea and the theme of your book and up to some extent it was quite interesting. But it wasn't layed out well. Your blurb wasn't constructed in a neat layout and didn't contain any impressive vocabulary.

Start the blurb with a powerful hook. Also the main character should be introduced in a way that gives the readers feels and thrills to make them excited because they are going to be invested in the main character throughout your book. Just don't explain her life, introduce some of her personality traits to give your readers a first good impression.

Also, rewrite the conflicts using vocabulary words. You need to make the teasing effect much more interesting.

Dawn :: 5/10

I'll jump straight into it. Add a disclaimer: it's the authentication of your book. If someone happens to steal your work you might not be able to discuss owning your work. You must maintain the legal work of your book. There were so many noticeable grammatical errors.

You must start the dawn in your case the prologue in a much more effective way that makes an impact on the reader. Start with a conflict with intense emotions. And you got to work on your vocabularies. You start something and then end it abruptly without letting the characters be absorbed in the course of what happened.

All the paragraphs were seperated with too much space and less descriptives. Emotions were practically blank.

Also the first three chapters escalated too fast with so many abrupt endings in paragraphs. Lack of linking devices. You have stated that Fiona liked the garden and flowers of the high school. Just liked it. There wasn't anything that described why and how she liked it or the way she felt it.

It could have been like this "as the sweet scent of the flowers wafted in the air around me I felt a sudden sense of relaxation, admiring these flowers brought a sweet happy feeling..." and so on. You need to be more descriptive about the feelings. Use vocabulary words to make your dawn more impressive.

The paragraphs were too short as well. You need to manage the time elapsing well.

Plot and ldea :: 12/20

I loved the creativity and the war about glorindians and elvanas. And the background information about Fiona's family and all the war was quite interesting. After the prologue it was a highschool scene with Fiona hiding her secret of being a hybrid. It's really interesting — the part where she transforms to her true self.

After that it just dragged on with the same scenario. Sometimes during the shifts in pov weren't properly managed it was rather confusing at times. The dialogues didn't make sense at times because they lacked linking devices a lot.

If you mention 'it was tuesday' or when the day changes simply don't mention it that way. Change it. For example, "Friday dawned on..." and you could just continue in describing the weather.

You need to add in intense moments, not the same usual frequent happenings. The only change I found a bit interesting was the pranking process where the gang of 11 wreaked havoc even. Till that part it was quite dull full of repetitions. You need to plan out well and slip in a few twists within at last two chapters, which is a suggestion but definitely makes a change.

Characters and Emotions :: 6/15

I want to start by showing you an example. 'Ah! you startled me' Fiona exclaimed while her hand gradually moved to her chest and her breathing came out in gasps as she tried to regain herself.

You need to widen the emotions your characters experience throughout the story. If it's some anger or happiness they're feeling elaborate on that.

When you introduce the teachers describe their physical appearances to let the readers create a clear picture of what they look like.

Actually character emotions make the plot alive! There are various emotions to explore out there, do research on them and elaborate them to fit into your characters.

Focus on these two things:

1) Character Emotional Development: The character's emotional development as he or she moves toward transformation at the overall story level.

2) Emotional change: The character's more fleeting emotional reactions at the scene level.

Remember everything needs to be more detailed inorder to create strong emotions to make the readers feel invested in your characters.

Writing Style :: 6/15

Writing style is often considered to be a skill that is used to impress their readers. If we travel back down the basics novels or stories usually fall down into the category of narrative and descriptive writing. So it's vital to be well informed about these two writing styles.

Another important criteria of a writing style is the quality and vocabulary which enhances your story.

Use some techniques like similes/metaphors and there are other literary devices you could use to improve your writing style and learn them well. Have a thorough understanding about descriptives as well as vocabulary words.

Learn how to use words at proper places. Because so many words were misplaced and so many words were used in a wrong way.

Grammar :: 9/20

Grammar is as important as the rest of your work. It's vital to maintain a good grammar to enhance and ensure the quality of your work.

There weren't any noticeable misspelled words but there were lots of sentence structure errors and language errors. It was difficult to understand at many points. Sometimes when you switched between povs there were errors which disrupted the flow of the story as well.

I'll list down some.

'bell jiggled' - bells or a bell doesn't jiggle this is wrong language. It is correct to say coins jiggled but not bell or bells.

'proper guardian' - guardian is someone who is responsible for looking after a child like parents or grandparents. It's wrong when Louis says 'I need a proper guardian' which means he needs someone to look after him.

'by passing people and objects in my way'- well, the tone here is a hurried one. by passing means she just passed by them without doing anything. She was running so the correct word I believe is 'pushed'.

'my head looked in the mirror'- this means that fiona's head was something different and can think for itself so it looked in the mirror. 'l looked at the reflection on the mirror.'

'a blue diamond on my forehead' - a word is missing here. How did the blue diamond appear? What you've written makes it sound as if it was there always.

"fiona exhaled with a hand in her chest' - it's not in but on.

Like I mentioned above there were so many other similar errors. Read your work carefully before you publish it and I recommend you to use the Grammarly App which detects all errors in language, sentence structure and punctuations.

TOTAL :: 49/100

Reviewer's Note :: You've got a story writing talent if you get the right lessons to nurture it more there are things to learn, focus more on the above-mentioned errors and use Grammarly which will help you. All the Best Kiki!

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Yours Truly,
SeeSaw Fam.