Queen

     It was happening all over again. I should've held my breath since the moment I woke up in the hospital, but I let myself breathe. I let myself inhale the sweet scent of serenity and the music of his promises. I should've kept holding my breath until my body suffocated the life from my body. I should've kept my guard up.

But I was an idiot.

Just like the ocean's current, the wind, the sunrise, and the sunset— it was ever-changing. Never constant. A drop of water could start a tsunami and a gust of wind could create a tornado. Disaster wasn't a possibility, it was a guarantee. If the universe itself couldn't remain untouched by the chaos that is life, I don't know why I expected Syn and I to be able to.

From the moment I stepped into this restroom, dread set in the pit of my stomach. It only amplified as I listened to his countless apologies.

I'm sorry, Princess.

I had no clue...

He was genuine— I knew it with everything in me but my mind refused to pick and choose who received the brunt of my anger.

I let out a huff of laughter and crossed my arms, making a conscious effort to stand up straight instead of hugging myself like I usually would. "So you're going to die."

He hung his head and nodded. "Yes—"

"Again..." I drawled.

His eyes met mine and I could see the pain shining behind his orbs. He was distressed and here I was taking my anger out on him simply for being the victim of being the only person in the vicinity.

I tore my eyes off of him and nodded, taking a step back. "Great. We might as well make this a tradition seeing as it happens—"

"Queen."

"...so often," I finished before sucking my teeth and looking at him again. Something caved in my gut as I looked at the brokenness in his expression, but my mind was clouded.

Memories of him lying in my arms and bleeding out flashed through my mind. I spent days in that chapel afterward. Just scrubbing phantom pools of blood off the cold white marble. Everyone assured me I was seeing things. I could even recall the putrid scent of bleach and citrus that they cleaned the entire area with but I still couldn't be convinced. Lucifer himself had to tear me away from the palace— from that room where I had lost him and my daughter— and still, the image was fresh in my mind.

"Talk to me," I heard him say as I stared down at the floor. What could I say? "Say anything, please. Scream and yell at me if you need to but this silence... I need you to talk to me." He took a step toward me.

I lifted my eyes when I caught a glimpse of something in his stride. A folded paper, peaking out front of the inner pocket of his suit jacket. "What is that?" I pointed toward it before pulling my arm back to my chest.

He paused, looking at me in confusion before pulling it out and unfolding it with careful precision. Whatever it was, he didn't know it was there until I pointed it out. His eyes scanned it before he let out a bitter laugh and held it out for me. "Angels have a flair for the dramatic."

I took the thick cream-colored paper from him, avoiding his hand like the plague. It was enough that he was here and the last thing I needed was to break down. If he touched me, all bets were off. I'd spend the next three days crying and the moment I gathered up the energy to wipe a tear away, it'd be too late.

So no touching. Not when I was already struggling to bite back every emotion I was feeling.

With a shaky breath, my eyes scanned the contents of the contract. It was straightforward. Everything Syn had told me was written neatly across the page in cursive handwriting. The clause about him not remembering was written near the bottom and explained why neither of us knew about this sooner. By the time I reached the signatures, I expected to have some sort of clarity about everything but instead, it fermented the very real reality that this was legit. And it was going to happen.

I swallowed a lump in my throat and folded the paper. "So it's official then." I met his eyes.

"It is." His response was measured as if he were trying to understand my reaction. He did that often. This time would be harder for him considering I didn't even know how I was feeling. I was in a whole new world of heartache.

"You seem more sad than surprised."

"I don't have the luxury of being surprised anymore. I'm alive, aren't I?" I sniffled. "There's always a price to things like this."

He nodded slowly and my eyes dropped down to his torn and bloody sleeve. Against what my mind wanted me to do, I reached out for his arm. "Are you in pain?" I moved a gentle finger carefully around the cross-shaped wound before glancing up at him.

He caught my gaze and held it for a few beats before letting a small smile spread across his lips. "You'll always be quite the enigma to me. I can't tell if you're angry at me or worried?"

"Both," I whispered, looking back at his arm. "But my anger is coming from a place of worry. I don't mean to take it out on you."

He nodded. "It doesn't hurt."

It sounded like a lie and I knew him well enough to tell when he was being dishonest, but I didn't want to push. Especially considering his life was on the line and we were running on borrowed time.

I nodded and let go of his arm. "So what are we going to do?"

He furrowed his brows, that same confusion riddling with his beautiful features. "About what— this?"

"Yes, Syn. This," I replied. "I know you only just remembered now but surely you have an idea of how to stop this, right?" I questioned him. If he didn't, I'd help him but I didn't like that look of uncertainty in his eyes. It made me uneasy.

I dropped my hands to my hips and tilted my head when a few seconds passed and he was still at a loss for words. I narrowed my eyes, my head following his tense demeanor. "You- you don't have one..."

"I don't," he confirmed.

That was fair, we did just find out about it.

"That's okay." I nodded. "We have time. We can figure out what to do. Let's hurry home first." I turned to leave but he grabbed my wrist. I spun around to face him and he stood up straight, towering over me. His intense gaze bore down into me and my breath caught as I looked up at him. I could do a kiss if he wanted one but that was all. Sex would have to wait until this was dealt with, unfortunately.

"Queen." His voice was low and if it were any other time I would've taken that as an indication to pounce on him. But this time was different. So different that instead of meeting him with a smile, worry seeped through my chest.

I held back a nervous gulp and checked the time on my cell phone. "We are in a bit of a rush, Syn. We will have to call the council and—"

"Princess..." he whispered this time and I stilled, finally meeting his eyes once again. Gone was the sadness from moments ago and in its place a forced smile.

"What?"

"We should go finish our dinner." He ran his hand along my head, either to pat down the disarray or attempt to soothe me. He took a deep breath, his eyes scanning my face before reaching my eyes.

"How can I eat right now? We have bigger things to deal with. I'll eat later."

He laughed softly, still caressing my hair. "You should take care of yourself first. No matter what. The problems will always be there. So always eat first, and eat a lot. You need your energy most in this life. Promise me."

"I'm okay, Syn." I placed my hand over his and lowered it. "And I'll be even better after we take care of this." I squeezed his hand between my own and tugged him along with me.

He didn't budge.

He didn't move a muscle.

I turned back to him. "You're not moving. W-why are you not moving?"

"I'd just like to have dinner with my girl," he said, unshed tears glossing his green eyes. "And pretend our world isn't falling apart. Would it be too much to ask you not to worry about this? Just for tonight."

I shook my head slowly. "I'm not worried about this. This, we can figure out. What I'm worried about is that my man is refusing to move. Is this something I need to do alone? Because I don't mind—"

"No." His tone was firm. "I don't want you to do anything."

I stilled. A kick to the gut would've hurt less. "Because you have a plan of your own?" It was more of a hope than a question as my voice fell flat. That same feeling of dread was building up in the pit of my stomach.

"No. It's not that either, Princess."

"Then what is it?"

He rubbed his thumb along the back of my palm. "This...isn't something that I plan to fight."

There it was.

"What?" My voice broke. "What do you mean?"

"I plan to abide by the terms of the contract."

I pulled my hand from his hold and furrowed my brows. "Why?"

I could see him try to cover the hurt from my recoil as he said, "I don't have a choice."

A bitter laugh slipped from between my lips. "You're Syn SinClaire. Has not having a choice ever stopped you before?"

"Not in the past. But there is something far more precious at risk than my pride these days." His eyes softened as he looked at me and I knew exactly what he was talking about. Me. I was this so-called precious thing that he had begun valuing far more than his life.

"Me..."

"You."

"I-" I shook my head and ran my hands down my face. "I don't understand. I know you went into the agreement for me. I'm pissed but I can't be upset at you because...I get it. But why won't you—"

"You're not hearing me," he interjected. "Because you are involved...I refuse to do anything that would mess with this."

I let his words sink in. "You're afraid that I'll die if you don't follow through?"

"Terrified..." he whispered.

"What if I told you I was fine with that?"

"Then I would tell you I could never let that happen."

"Then you'll find an alternative?" I asked cautiously.

"There is none."

"Then you'll create one?"

"I can't."

"Can't or won't?"

"Does it matter?"

I nodded. It was all that mattered. "Can't means you just need help. Won't means you're telling me you won't even try."

He paused for a few moments before speaking. "Then won't. I won't be doing anything to prevent this."

I clicked my tongue, irritation flooding my system. "Fine. I will figure it out on my own then."

"You will do no such thing," his voice dropped into an ice-cold tone that made shivers run down my spine. "You will do nothing to compromise or stop any of this."

Excuse me?

"What happened to the whole saving each other spiel?" I asked him, grasping at straws. He made promises to me and I refused to let the Heavens skip me in line. "That's what you told me that night with Aidan, right? That we save each other no matter what?" He averted his gaze from me and I took a step forward, needing a response. But nothing. "Or do you get to pick and choose when it applies?"

I hit a nerve. I could see the tick in his jaw as he shut his eyes for a moment, but I couldn't care less about what was pissing him off right now.

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

Irritated? Good! Because I was fucking fuming.

"I said that in a moment of desperation..."

"And you're clearly not desperate now—"

"Don't," he snapped, unfiltered rage swirling in his eyes as he looked at me. This was good. I preferred it to the submissiveness he was displaying toward this news. He shook his head.

"Don't talk to me about desperation because I am desperate, Queen. Desperation for you killed me and brought me back to life. That desperation brought me back to you— every single fucking time. Through all the death, drugs, and bullshit...my desperation for you has led me. It's a fucking dark, painful, and windingly destructive road that always brings me to you."

My eyes watered at his words and he took a step toward me.

"That same desperation made me scream out and beg the Heavens to bring you back to me—"

"Well then, I urge you to tap into it and ask them to take it back," I said, my hands in fists at my sides. The lights flickered in the restroom, one bursting as I tried to control myself, but Syn didn't move a muscle. Our eyes were locked on one another, each of us begging the other to just understand. "I'd rather your desperation be for self-preservation."

He laughed a bit but it was far from reaching his eyes. "Then you should've walked away the day we met— not that it would've done much— I would've found you eventually. But any sense of self-preservation I had completely dissipated the moment I met you."

"Syn—"

"Don't tell me that how I feel is not healthy. I already know and I don't care." He shook his head. "I've been sick since the day I came into this goddamn world. My head and heart are all types of fucked up, my judgment is skewed in all things that concern you-- fuck, I'm more obsessed than I am in love at some times, but how could I not be?

"I live, and breathe, and if both of us could fully function without compromise I'd eat you too." I couldn't stop the shocked laugh from slipping out amid his admission and a corner of his lip lifted into a smile before going away.

"You're insane."

"Why? I might as well let it all out now," he said. "I am completely and utterly possessed and enraptured by you. You occupy every corner of mind and soul. And I'm sure that being loved by a man like me is a heavy burden, but it is one you will have to carry because it is completely your fault."

"My fault? What did I do?"

"Exist."

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