A/N: Oof, this chapter hurt to write - show me some love pls, I need it now T^T and I will show you love back, you're probably going to need it <3

「 I'm always wondering
if it's ever gonna end
I can feel it in my bones
standing in the dust
of what's left of us 」

♫zayde wølf feat. ruelle; walk through the fire

✩ y e o s a n g ✩
mature

Being alone in his room was something Yeosang both preferred, but also hated at the very same time - the downside being; no escape from his own thoughts.

Not when Seonghwa had yet to provide him with what he demanded last night.

Yeosang stared out the window, his fingertips following the raindrops that were tracing downwards on the other side of the glass. Grey clouds were covering the sky, the same way as his mind felt.

It was the same old story repeating itself, the same drowning memories that kept haunting him and filling him with regret.

And it all started with a boy so pretty, with shining blonde hair, and a smile so bright that it could cover up his ugly heart.

A boy, who so easily made Yeosang give up the small chance he had had for a good life. But those memories, of the one he once had been, seemed so far away - like had it been a in different life.

Jung Wooyoung had been a wolf in sheep's clothing. His eyes would look at people around him, with what came off as curiosity and wonder - but in reality it was only to mask over the fact that he didn't care about anyone but himself.

Not even Yeosang.

Attention and shallow affection had followed Yeosang since he was a young teen, due to the cursed blessing of his beautiful face. People would fall for his charm way too easily, and he had become bored from that - which probably had been the reason for him to keep chasing someone like Wooyoung.

He had always hated it whenever Wooyoung got high on hard drugs, when he got so fucked up that he couldn't even speak properly and his arms and legs were flaring around. Wooyoung had always been fickle and irresponsible, he only cared about how he could get his next high. The only thing he loved, was his drugs and what made him smile was when Yeosang gave him the money to buy more - it was the only way to get the blonde's attention in a positive way.

Being with Wooyoung made Yeosang feel desperate and worthless - in an actual hurtful way, and it cut his soul deeper than the countless times he had let strangers fuck him for money. But when Wooyoung smiled at him, he felt so happy. He thought he was in love, that they both were, but it was just one big fat lie.

But the lie had disguised itself as real love, filled his heart with poison without him even noticing it, and he had become so addicted to the way it felt to be wrapped in Wooyoung's warm embrace.

Blinded by what he thought was love, Yeosang would have done everything for Wooyoung, and he did - only for his entire world to fall apart. When life got way too real, when one of the last pillars in Yeosang's shaky world was violently crushed and taken away. Wooyoung had been there for him. But Yeosang had been too foolish to realize that the it simply was a way for the older to keep him trapped in their toxic relationship.

In his own delusion of what real feelings felt like, he shut himself out of the chance of feeling exactly that, with Hongjoong.

Hongjoong had been different from Wooyoung, in every single way, and he was a rare kind of human being in the cold and heartless world they lived in. He was patient, kind and he actually cared. He adored Yeosang like was he the most precious thing in the world. And Yeosang had taken him for granted.

Now, sitting in this horrid place, tapping his fingers against his thigh with the empty and impatient itch all over his body, Yeosang couldn't even recognize himself anymore. He knew he never had been close to being a decent person, having done so many questionable things, but he had never thought he would ever get addicted the way Wooyoung had been. And maybe even worse...

Yeosang had despised the drug use, although he would sometimes get high on marijuana himself, he told himself it was nowhere near as bad as what Wooyoung would put into his body. Yeosang had smoked weed, only to clear his mind and calm his nerves - and to let himself feel the things he was too afraid to allow himself otherwise.

And it was in those moments, he let Hongjoong kiss him. He opened his heart to the one thing that scared him to death - real feelings, real love.

A loud knock on the door pulled him back to reality, and he quickly got up to open it, not caring about his appearance for his day off.

Seonghwa was waiting for him on the other side, with the usual dark glare and annoying smirk that Yeosang wished he could wipe off the older's face - preferably with an axe or something like that.

"You look like a mess," the older stated coldly.

"It's my day off."

"But you were expecting me, correct?" Seonghwa scoffed, and Yeosang knew he had to play nice to get what he wanted.

He pulled Seonghwa towards him by the collar of the older's shirt, so close that their chests touched each other. And with his lips brushing against Seonghwa's left ear, he whispered with his sweetest voice; "Yes. I was in bed, getting off to the thoughts of your big cock. Look at what a mess you make of me, even when you aren't present."

A long exhalation spread a tickling warmth across his cheek, and with a smirk he gently bit Seonghwa's earlobe before playfully licking it.

"I have been waiting for you all day," Yeosang added, as their lips were about to meet.

While he did his best to play it off as it was Seonghwa himself he had waited for, and not what he would bring him, both of them knew it was a lie - but neither of them cared.

He felt the older's hands moving up underneath his shirt, while their tongues teased each other, he just needed to get this over with, so he could get those damn drugs.

From the distance, he heard voices of footsteps approaching, and he cringed when he recognized that the one talking the loudest was Joshua.

Seonghwa moved from his lips and down to kiss his neck, and from the corner of his eye Yeosang saw two people coming closer.

But suddenly one of them stopped - and so did Yeosang's heart.

It was like a lightning striking right down over him, tearing him apart and in pieces, but he couldn't react, he shouldn't. And so, a cold look remained on his face, although he was dying on the inside. His careless glare met Hongjoong's shocked face, and even from the distance Yeosang could see the hurt in the older's eyes from the lack of reaction.

And from what was happening a few feet away.

Hongjoong stared back at him in complete disbelief - shifting slowly between Yeosang and Seonghwa, who was still giving all his attention to the soft skin of Yeosang's neck.

Time stood still around Yeosang, and his heartbeat was the only thing he could heard, while all the pain from the nights of crying over Hongjoong came crashing down over him. But instead of showing any emotions, he pressed his lips against Seonghwa's again, while dragging him into his room.

Yeosang ripped his own clothes off, tore it apart like his heart had been, and scattered it all around him. Seonghwa's hands quickly found their way to feel up his naked body, as they fell on top of each other on the bed.

"Hurt me while you fuck me," Yeosang whispered, earning a dark smirk from the older.

"You sure about that, love?" he asked, but with excitement sparkling in his eyes.

"Yes, make me cum while I cry."

He knew he couldn't get rid of Seonghwa before the older had gotten his way with him, and with tears already threatening to break free, Yeosang took the only opportunity he had to kill two birds with one stone.

How he just wished that stone would've been big enough to kill himself instead though.

Seonghwa knew how to do it rough, how to make it hurt, Yeosang had already felt that many times when he had been too disobedient - but he had never cried, no matter how much pain he had been in. But that stubbornness and pride had vanished, washed away by the shock of seeing Hongjoong trapped in the same hell as himself.

Every touch, every deep thrust - it all hurt so bad that his tears seemed like a natural reaction. When he behaved nicely, Seonghwa would usually whisper sweet nicknames in ear, call him pretty and kiss him all over. But today, at his own wish, he got the opposite. Bruises on his body, his hair pulled until the roots were screaming, and Seonghwa breathing heavily into his ear, telling him what a fucking filthy whore he was.

Tears fell from his eyes and left wet spots all over the baby pink pillow case, while he kept begging to get fucked even harder to cover up his broken heart. But nothing could drown out the pain he felt in his chest, not even the fire he had thrown himself into.

✩

Hours later, once again staring emptily out the window - but this time numb from the drugs, Yeosang sat alone in his room. He didn't even feel the tears that streamed like wild rivers down his cheeks, dripping from his chin and onto his shirt.

"No..." he whispered to himself, voice shaking and fragile like his heart had become. "No!"

The second time was louder; like a roar from an angry lion, as he got up with a sudden move that almost knocked over the chair he had been sitting on. His breathing was out of control, as fury rose inside of him. An agitated scream pushed its way over his lips, at the same moment as his hands shoved everything from his table onto the floor.

It all became way too real in that moment; Hongjoong was there, trapped in the same hell as Yeosang had been for months - the hell he had willingly stepped into, in exchange for Hongjoong's safety.

"This wasn't the agreement!" he shouted into his hands - teeth gritted and his voice turning into a deep growl as he slammed his hands against the table. "This is fucking bullshit!"

Hongjoong being there meant a lot of things, but the most important one was how it would affect Yeosang's relationship with Seonghwa. Although he hated it when the older kissed him, touched him and fucked him - even when his head was so messed up that his body wanted it, his heart still didn't - the fear that he might get changed out with Hongjoong was tearing him apart.

Not because of any form of jealousy, far from it, but Hongjoong would never be able to survive the things Seonghwa would do to him, should he become the new favorite. And Yeosang would rather take the pain himself, than knowing that Hongjoong was going to suffer from it.

With his lips trembling from anger and hurt, Yeosang got all dressed up, hair curled and makeup right, before marching towards Seonghwa's office. It had only been a few hours since the older left his bed, but if Yeosang played his cards right, he would have Seonghwa right where he wanted him.

"Why is he here?" Yeosang asked, as soon as the door to the office was closed behind him, and the way Seonghwa looked at him showed that he already knew what this was regarding.

"What is the matter? I thought you would be happy to see your friend."

Yeosang ignored the mocking tone in Seonghwa's voice, and instead he flicked a blonde lock away from his face while slowly getting closer.

"So. Are the rumors true?" he then asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Are you going to change me out for another guy? For him?" he snorted, with his face pulling into a grimace that would show off how much he would disapprove of that decision.

"Oh, are you jealous?" Seonghwa chuckled.

No...

"Yes." Yeosang replied, staring deeply into the older's eyes, as he had gotten closer, and with sugar on his tongue he whispered against Seonghwa's lips. "And I will kill anyone who dares standing in my way."

Seonghwa was eating him up with his eyes already, and the older's hands were soon resting on his hips as Yeosang sat down across Seonghwa's lap. An intrigued smirk showed as Seonghwa mumbled lowly; "Is that so, my dear? When did you get so possessive of me, hm?"

It killed him inside, it truly did, but Yeosang knew what he had to do - and for Hongjoong he was willing to sacrifice the last remaining piece of his heart and soul, and his sanity as well.

He gently stroked his fingers along Seonghwa's cheek, listening to the older hum at the touch, before leaning in closer to place soft kisses and whisper ever so sweetly.

"Since I realized that I love you."