Bibliothecam

The Library

Tuesday, 10th of September, 6:10 AM, Jungkook's room in Evanthe.

Both Jimin and Jungkook were up, But while one was in the bathroom getting ready, the other was sitting on his own bed, still wearing the same clothes from the night before, looking unseeingly at the floor.

Last night when Jungkook came to bed, he was high, intoxicated by the memory of Taehyung's touch, and he fell asleep dreaming that it was Taehyung the one hugging him and not his bed covers. Then, he woke up bright as new when Jimin's alarm sounded. He felt like he had just been cured from some bad flu he didn't even know he had, his limbs felt loose, there was no tension in his shoulders or his neck, and he felt full of energy.

However, right now his mind was working again, working to destabilize him, and he couldn't stop remembering the night before with embarrassment. How he had cried for only God knows how long, how he had taken off his coat to feel more of Taehyung, how he was pressing himself against Taehyung, how he asked Taehyung to stroke his hair, how he was saying "Mmm" like that, how he brushed his nails against Taehyung's neck and how Taehyung had asked him to stop.

Jungkook closed his eyes, horrified with himself.

Taehyung had asked him to stop. The fact that Jungkook felt on cloud nine in Taehyung's arms didn't mean Taehyung himself felt the same way. Just because he wanted to hug him didn't mean he wanted to be closer to him.

Jungkook hated to think that he got the wrong idea. He was sure at some point in the night Taehyung's eyes had been full of wanting, full of longing, full of Jungkook's eyes; he was sure Taehyung had cried along with him; he was sure Taehyung had tightened his arms around him and how they had come to a very deep and intimate understanding. He was sure, and yet, his memory was getting foggy with embarrassment.

He shook his head, refusing to let his self-sabotaging thoughts render him a useless pile of covers on his unmade bed. He felt happy, he felt fine, and he finally found a safe place. Taehyung was his safe place, his beautiful safe place, and whatever his bullying thoughts were telling him, he was sure they both felt the same way.

Because, after what he told him, he was sure Taheyung had also been looking for a safe place.

Jungkook looked at the floor with hatred. He had been bullied at school, but it had been a two-way thing of an everyday fight for years. Taehyung had been taken that night.

Imagining Taehyung, eighteen years old, all happy with his friends, just having gone there because his loving family advised him to, and then when he most wanted to leave and go home, he had been taken as a party attraction. Jungkook saw red as he thought of how Taehyung could've ended up naked on a bed. If Taehyung wanted to leave so badly, how on earth did that happen? Jungkook had never been drunk in front of other people in his life, but he damn well knew that alcohol would never make people do things they didn't want to do when they were sober. Alcohol didn't do that.

He felt hatred filling up his body. Hatred for the ones that did that to him, for the family of that girl, and that girl as well.

Standing, he went to open the window, leaning over Jimin's bed to do so. When the clear cold morning air washed over his face and filled his lungs, he felt better. But his brain wouldn't stop.

Taehyung didn't want to be a professor, he wanted to work on his family's farm with his mom and dad. Jungkook loved how Taehyung's family sounded, they all loved each other earnestly and stuck together just like a family should. Then, Taehyung had to leave them because of the anger of other people. Terrible. He had to marry a girl he didn't even feel anything for, they didn't even like the same things, Jungkook was sure they hadn't even exchanged a word before the morning after. Taehyung had said the party had been at her house but he didn't even know that till later and how she talked to everyone but he was off running through the woods. They didn't even know each other, and then he was obliged to marry her. And for good measure, he had to cut all communication with his adored family and move away from his home. Horrible.

And the kids, oh no, the kids. Poor things, being born into a broken family. Jungkook felt like crying just thinking of how their parents' past might affect their future or growth. There was nothing more terrible than growing up with a broken family, or absent parents, or hateful siblings, or alone.

Jungkook wrapped his arms around his middle and sat on Jimin's bed to get closer to the window and away from his thoughts. He just wanted to keep feeling what he felt last night. He wanted to hug Taehyung, to feel his heart beating in his chest, to listen to his breathing and his pulse, feel his warmth, and feel his secure arms around him, protecting him from his thoughts by reassuring him he was the one he was looking for; his safe place.

Feeling a tiny tap on his shoulder, he turned his head and found that it was Jimin, all dressed and ready, pointing at the bathroom on the other side of the room. Once Jungkook understood, he stood and nodded.

- Thank you, Jimin. - He told him, and then went to the bathroom. He took clothes from his drawer, jeans, underwear, and a thin plain white t-shirt with three buttons on the neck that he barely used, and went to take a shower.

While he was under the warm water, he tried to come up with a list of things to do, but he couldn't. He didn't know when he would meet Taehyung, if it would be before or after or during, he knew nothing, he knew that maybe they'll meet at eight o'clock that evening too, but nothing else, and he wanted to see him as soon as possible but he was sure he didn't have his class that day.

After walking out of the bathroom and pitting on his shoes as he sat on his bed, the door room opened up, and in came Tom with Leo and Emily behind him. Leo looked like he was trying to suppress loathing.

- Good Morning K–

- Don't. - Jungkook warned him.

- ...Jungkook. - He put his hands on either side of his head in mock surrender, still grinning.

- Just say the word and he will be no more. - Leo said to Jungkook, and the latter could see how Emily was grabbing him softly by the arm.

- Jungkook, could you tell your guard that we're friends, please? - Tom said as he lowered his hands and rolled his eyes.

- Leo, - Jungkook called him as he saw how his chest had begun to expand dangerously. - I made a deal with Tom. He'll leave me alone. - He said the last bit while looking straight at Tom's mischievous eyes.

- What do you mean deal? - Started Leo but Tom cut him off, talking to Jungkook.

- I just wanted to ask how last night went. -

- Don't push it, I'm well capable of breaking your nose. -

- I wonder if he knows. -

- Of course, Leo knows. - He knew exactly whom Tom meant when he had said He, and that only angered him even more. How dared he speculate about that with them in the room. - How funny how you seem to forget your own deals. - He stood up trying to pull himself back.

- Oh, I don't forget them, I'm just having some fun. Actually, my memory is perfect. - He gave him a taunting grin.

Jungkook grinned right back.

- Then you might as well want to remember that you shouldn't get on my bad side, friend. -

- See? There. - He suddenly turned around to look at Leo. - He called me friend, you can get out of my ass now. -

- YOU FUCKING–

Leo went to punch him hard in the face with a right hook, and Tom looked ready for the attack.

- Stop! - If it hadn't been Emily the one who screamed, no one would've stopped. - Jimin. - They all looked around the room, but there was no sight of Jimin, then Emily got into the room and went to the end of Jimin's bed. Again, he was a ball on the floor.

Jungkook couldn't fathom how Jimin could look so tiny, he looked about the size of a toddler when he was like this.

- Jimin, you're fine, everything's fine, you're stronger than this. - Emily kept repeating this while she got closer, and then slowly started brushing his hair with her fingers in a soothing manner, making Jungkook remember Taehyung's touch.

But the issue at hand was Jimin. What was wrong with him? He couldn't talk properly, couldn't look someone in the eyes for too long, cowered away from people's way, wore clothes way too big for him, and did everything as quietly as he could. Jungkook realized, as he looked at how Jimin clutched at Emily while she hugged him, that Jimin might have been... really mistreated at home.

The thought only made him uncomfortable.

Once in the cafeteria, as they took breakfast at their table, Emily talked about everything she could to take their minds away from Jungkook's room. But it wasn't working much.

Jungkook was silent as he ate his special breakfast. It was meant for his first day of classes before but due to Jungkook not appearing, the cook did it again this morning for him. He can only be thankful that he hadn't seen any other person giving him any special treatment or noticed anyone else noticing how he was being treated differently by the cook, which was good.

Jungkook was still thinking of how Jimin couldn't stop shaking even after he let go of Emily and how Tom was breathing very deeply until Jungkook, Leo, and Emily left the room.

He looked up from his plate and around the floor, trying to clear his head. He just focused on the people around them. There were a lot of people and a lot of noise, some tables seemed to be occupied by groups of people who studied the same subject. At one table, all of them had big folders for drawings, in another, all of them had a pile of books or their laptops out. But what struck him most was how different everyone looked. Some had skin problems, others looked too big, there were too skinny, too muscular, short, tall, dark skin, pale skin, Indian-looking, Asian-looking, or even Russian-looking. They were all different. However, if he looked closer, Jungkook could still see the "Lines". No girl with very short hair, no guy with long hair, very few tattoos or piercings or painted hair, everyone was still on their line. It was odd how trapped it made him feel.

Jungkook sighed. He wasn't sure how to think anymore.

Today his classes were "History of Philosophy: Modern" from seven till ten in the morning and then "American Philosophy" from two till three in the afternoon, so he bid his friends goodbye with the plan of meeting them for lunch at twelve and with excitement in his throat as he thought of going to the library later that morning, he left. He didn't even know if Taehyung would even have time to go there, or planned to go there or anything at all, but he still hoped like the delusional and abnormal person that he was.

His class went well enough, he paid attention and wrote what the Professor was saying on his laptop. The Professor, Romilly Benjamin, was a skinny man in his thirties with black curly hair spotted with bits of gray; he was kind of funny actually, so he explained everything about the class in a way that both entertained and instructed. Beside him sat a tall, strong guy with a circular tattoo on each of his forearms and looked like he could be the mean type, but when the Professor told them to do an experiment and talk with the person at their sides for ten minutes, this tall and muscled guy looked at Jungkook with nervous, dark brown, puppy eyes.

His name was Garrett White, he was from Southampton, and this guy that could easily rival Leo or Taehyung in physical strength told him he was eighteen, after which Jungkook spluttered a little. His best friend was studying here as well and was called Alex, also eighteen. Then he told Jungkook how he was studying Art as well and how, because of it, his days were long, but with a puppy smile he reassured Jungkook that he liked it that way and how he was used to working hard. Jungkook actually liked Garrett, and he wouldn't have talked to him if it hadn't been for the Professor's assignment, which had been, of course, his intention.

When Professor Benjamin wrapped up the class for the day, Jungkook's body was at its limit trying to suppress his excitement, even Garrett asked him what was he so happy about, but he just shrugged and said "It was a nice class", which was true, but not the actual reason for his giddiness. And he got out of the classroom walking nonchalantly while begging himself not to be hopeful, and also not to go running to classroom C123.

So he went to the library, telling himself all the way that he was only going there for peace and quiet, and walked past C123 without stopping or glancing, going straight to the library door. This time, however, he noticed the stack of newspapers beside it, like Leo had said they were. But he ignored them and walked inside.

He stopped walking, looked around, breathed in the beauty of it all, and, upon noticing the Librarian inside a circular reception desk located in what seemed to be the middle of the library, he went to her to ask where the Philosophy books were.

The woman was reading a book and wearing her glasses, she was wearing a brown colored sweater and her blond hair was in a bun. While Jungkook was getting nearer, a guy suddenly emerged from behind the reception desk, holding a heavy-looking box and then putting it on the table.

- Here it is, Kacie... - The guy panted. - Is this one, right? Don't tell me I brought the wrong one again. - The women chuckled and opened the box just when Jungkook had reached the desk, noticing as he did so that the guy must've come from the trap door on the floor.

- Hello. - He called their attention. They both turned their heads to look at him, but while the woman called Kacie smiled when she saw him, the guy looked away, rather nervous-looking.

- Good morning, how may I help you? - Asked Kacie, in a soft voice.

- Where can I find the Philosophy books? -

- Over there, dear. - And she pointed him the way, it was near the exit to the cafeteria. - That's the Philosophy section and upon arriving you might notice how every bookshelf has a big sign above them depicting from which line of Philosophy are the books below, then every shelf has a little sign by the side telling which century they are from. -

- Thank you. - Jungkook smiled at her and looked again to where she had pointed.

- Yes, honey, these are the right books. - She said to the guy who slightly raised his fist in victory. - Dear, Namjoon here can show you the way, these are Philosophy books as well. -

- Ok, thank you. - And he bowed his head slightly at the woman.

- Come on. - Said Namjoon to Jungkook before sliding the box out of the desk and into his arms with some difficulty. Jungkook followed him until the guy got out of the reception from an opening at the side of the desk and then was able to follow him by his side. - What's-- What's your name? - Asked the guy, slightly out of breath.

- Jungkook. Hey, do you need help with that? - He was kind of concerned with how his neck looked strained.

- Oh, no, I can handle it, don't worry. - He shifted the box a little. - I do this all the time, only... the path downstairs lets me put the box down sometimes. -

- Downstairs? - He knew the trap door could lead only downstairs, but he was still curious to know more.

- Yeah, that's where all the boxes are. The papers and the... I mean, records and stuff. The newly arrived books are also stored down there, like this box, these are... Moral and Metaphysical Philosophy books from the nineteenth century if I remember correctly. Let me just--...- Namjoon ended up succumbing to the weight of the box and placed it over one of the study tables to take a breather, Jungkook was silently grateful as his nerves couldn't take in any more of Namjoon's strain.

- The path downstairs lets you do this? - Jungkook asked with a grin, and Namjoon gave one back.

- Yeah. Can you imagine how unprofessional it would look if they saw me manhandling a box with so many important books this way? Ha. No, the path downstairs is a whole floor with only shelves upon shelves of boxes and papers, and there is a trap door leading up to every subject in this library so people don't see me walking around with boxes all the time. There's Philosophy, Art, Literature, Architecture, History, Mathematics... - He was pointing around as he named them. - The ones' a floor or two above like Gastronomy, Astronomy, and Sports are harder to reach since they're in the middle of the second and third floor, but I can manage it. Downstairs is huge, if you think this is huge, that place is twice as big. - Then he took the box back in his hands and kept walking with Jungkook by his side.

- Where do you think is the loneliest part of the library? - Jungkook asked like it was just a random question that popped into his head. Namjoon's walking stuttered slightly and Jungkook lifted his arms ready to take the box if need be.

- Don't worry, I got it. - Namjoon said in a tiny voice. - Umm, the loneliest? Well... No idea really, everyone walks around everywhere. But maybe... well, the Encyclopedias are hard to reach, - Jungkook tried not to show interest. - I don't know what it is about that place, Kacie says it is cursed or something, it's really easy to get lost between those bookshelves. Some people, Literature students most of all, have said that they go inside the bookshelves and find themselves coming out from farther away than where they came in. It's the same story for the cleaners, they have found themselves cleaning the same aisle various times, and you can imagine their fright; they clean at night. - Namjoon chuckled and Jungkook had to suppress a grin.

- How strange, does that happen often? - He could only remember how easy it had been for him to get in and out of those shelves when he had been with Taehyung the day before.

- Well, as often as people go up there, and that's not too often, I mean, why would you need encyclopedias when there's the internet, right? But when people do, I've seen them come out looking confused as hell. - He chuckled and Jungkook joined him, letting himself smile.

- How old are you? Do you study here? - He wanted to make some small talk while they finished walking, he felt very pleased.

- I'm twenty-three and will be twenty-four this Thursday. - He smiled.

- Really? Congratulations. - Jungkook smiled at him.

- Thank you. And no, I don't study here. I've been working here in the library since I was nineteen, though. -

- And you like it here? - Jungkook had never met such a young Librarian, it intrigued him how Namjoon ended up working on Evanthe from such a young age.

- Pretty much, yeah. - He smiled looking around. Jungkook could understand the beauty of working in such a place. He had a lot of questions for Namjoon, but they had arrived at their destination. - Ok then, this is where I leave you, I'll go down the trap door once I've finished unpacking these books so don't get scared when you suddenly can't find me. - He joked at which Jungkook chuckled slightly. - Goodbye. I would give you my hand, but--

- I know, don't worry. - Jungkook nodded and smiled as he watched Namjoon turning and entering the Philosophy section from another aisle.

He searched and found the Aesthetics section, then went around reading the signs until he found the eighteen-century bookshelves and took out his phone to check the name of the book he was looking for, "On the Aesthetic Education of Man by Friedrich Schiller".

After a shorter time than he was expecting, he was walking with his book in his arms to one of the side stairs leading to the second floor, and went immediately to the encyclopedias, looking around to make sure the floor was indeed deserted. It seemed people often like to use the first floor of the library, and that only benefited Jungkook. But he had to stop thinking that Taehyung would appear, they hadn't agreed on anything, the night before.

He stopped in front of the shelves leading to the encyclopedias and took good care in looking around every time he took a step to see if at any second he saw the same book twice or something like Namjoon had said. But it never happened. And he was now reaching the back of the bookshelves where they had been the day before, with ease. Then, when he rounded the last bookshelf, he stopped.

A wide smile spread across his lips making his whole face lit up as a giggle escaped his fluttering stomach. Taehyung smiled back up at him from where he sat on the floor near the dead-end of the aisle. And Jungkook shook his head, walking to him feeling euphoria tingling through his whole body.

Without agreeing on anything, Taehyung was in the same place at the same time as yesterday. This act alone made Jungkook feel very special.

- Hi. - Greeted Jungkook, standing beside Taehyung whose smile had accompanied him since they saw each other.

- I didn't know you'd come. - Taehyung closed the book he had been reading and put it aside, face down.

- I didn't know you'd be here. - He answered with all the happiness in the world. And then stood there just looking at Taehyung's beautiful, soft, and surreal face, still with the mad need to paint him, and paint him, and never stop painting him.

But he couldn't paint him, Taehyung has not given his permission and despite Jungkook's wishes, he will do as Taehyung says. Given that he's not a stranger in the streets but a very special person, and that he had asked Taehyung if he could, instead of just drawing him without his knowledge, Jungkook felt tied to Taehyung's decision of not letting him paint his portrait. But if anything, not being allowed to do it only seemed to increase his desire to do so.

- ...You can sit down. - At Taehyung's suggestion, Jungkook was brought back to the present and he felt his face heating up.

He nodded and then looked in front of Taehyung at where he had sat the day before against the other bookshelf.

How could it be that in just one day, something that seemed impossible, wasn't only doable but desired by him? He changed from thinking all the time "what would Leo do in this situation?" to longingly wishing to be with Taehyung so he could be himself. And, right now, the place beside Taheyung was where he wanted to sit.

He was always taught how wrong it was to be close to a man or touch him in any other way than strictly necessary. But this was necessary, Jungkook feels it in his skin, he remembers how it was to feel detached from the world physically, he remembers how terrible it felt when any touch from another person, even a punch in the face, made him want to cry with desperation, he remembers how it felt to count the days until he could see Emily so he could receive a hug, counting the days to not have another attack in which he scratched at his skin violently for something to feel. Taehyung was necessary to him, Jungkook needed that sense of safety he found in Taehyung's arms.

They met for the first time on Sunday, only two days ago, but it almost feels like they had met long before, or like he had been waiting for Taehyung to arrive all his life. Is this normal? But then, what could be described as normal? Something that can be explained by the norm? But what if this happening was unique? Then, it would not belong to the norm and therefore not be deemed as normal, but that wouldn't necessarily mean it is not right or good, it will just mean that no one yet has tried to explain it. But maybe he was just making excuses to justify being closer to him.

He turned his head to look at the space beside Taehyung and bit his lip inside his mouth knowing what he wanted. Taehyung had seemed to understand his preoccupation and helped him by patting the place by his side.

Jungkook sat down trying to suppress a huge smile, leaving his bag carefully beside him and resting his back against the bookshelf behind him. He could feel his left shoulder brush against Taehyung's right and couldn't turn his face to look at him. He suddenly realized that he felt shy and stayed still not knowing what to do. So he took a deep, nervous breath and then remembered something that made him smile at the bookshelf in front.

- Did you know that this part of the library's haunted? - He heard a tiny sound coming from Taehyung and instinctively turned his head. Taehyung was staring at him with a confused smile and wide eyes.

- What do you mean haunted? Like... spirits and stuff? or... - He asked tentatively, looking quite scared.

Jungkook giggled.

As a general rule, men aren't afraid of anything, or more like, they shouldn't show themselves fearful. But for Jungkook, Taehyung being himself was the best thing in the world.

- Well, Namjoon didn't say anything about spirits, no. Just... like haunted with a spell or something. - Jungkook tried to explain more casually than in a reassuring way.

- ...Who's Namjoon? - Taehyung seemed momentarily distracted from fear. Jungkook turned to look in front of him again.

- He's the Librarian...? Librarian's assistant? No idea, really, but he works in the library. I just met him when I went to ask something and he came out of the ground-- Oh! Did you know there's a downstairs in this place? -

He got excited as he told him. Or more like "as he told the bookshelf, knowing Taehyung would listen".

- Namjoon said it's huuuuge and filled with archives and files and boxes with books. He came out of that trap door behind the desk holding one of them, you should've seen his face, the poor bloke looked like he was about to strain himself, but he wouldn't take my help when I offered it, he's very professional. Actually, the floor below has a lot of different stairs going up trap doors that lead to different parts of the library so no one sees him doing his job. -

He always knew Evanthe had to be very professional if they wanted to exceed any other University, but he never thought of just how much. Cleaners only going to work at night time so no one sees them? Librarians that organize books by getting out of trap doors when no one is looking? No, Jungkook could've never thought of this.

- I would very much want to go down there, just out of curiosity. Could you imagine how fun it would be to play hide and seek in a place like that? or make a house out of boxes? - Jungkook laughed with joy at the idea. - Oh! And he told me about this place because I asked him-- I... Well, I asked him... -

When he remembered what exactly had been his question, "the loneliest part of the library" he got slightly embarrassed and came up with a better alternative.

- I asked him which part of the library was the strangest. Just a random question. And he said the encyclopedias, and apparently, - Jungkook lowered his voice conspiratorially and leaned a teensy bit to the side to add flavor to the story. - when people enter the shelves they have a really hard time trying to get out. It's like they get confused and then get lost, or pass by the same aisle more than once. So no one really comes up here. - And then he wore a satisfied smile remembering how it was really easy for him to get in and out of the shelves, he did get lost once the day before but it had been because he took the wrong turn, not because he passed by the same shelf twice.

Then he leaned back the tiny bit to where he had been. Taehyung had been silent all this time and there was no way of knowing what he was feeling since Jungkook wasn't looking at him. So, without turning his head, he peeked to the side. Taehyung wasn't moving, that was all he could tell, so he tentatively turned his head to look at him.

Taehyung was looking at him like he was the utmost beautiful thing on this planet. Jungkook looked away, feeling his face heating up.

- You brought something to read? - Taehyung asked after some time. Jungkook grinned down at the book on his lap and shrugged.

- Yeah. Eighteenth-century Aesthetics Philosophy. I wrote down on my phone the names of the books I couldn't bring with me but I hadn't read yet so I could read them here.- Then he looked back up at Taehyung and saw him looking hastily back up at his eyes. He had been staring around his face. Jungkook giggled, feeling a strange sensation in his chest. - Are you reading something too? - He asked in a small voice, remembering he had seen Taehyung putting a book aside, and Taehyung looked down by his other side but didn't bring the book up from where it was on the floor.

- Yes, it's umm... - He laughed and put a hand over it. - Nothing. - Taehyung looked up at him and Jungkook's curiosity immediately spiked.

- What is it? - He asked with a smile, and when Taehyung just laughed nervously and shook his head, Jungkook jumped to his knees and tried to look at the title from a higher point of view, but Taehyung had put his hand over the book so he couldn't. - Why aren't you letting me see? - He was surprised at how embarrassed Taehyung looked.

The latter shook his head, laughing with Jungkook.

- Cuz it's not as serious as yours. - Jungkook made to get up but Taehyung made the book slide away and grabbed him by the wrists, pulling him back down. - Don't. - He laughed. Jungkook tried to pull his wrist out hard, and what he caused stopped their laughs. When Jungkook pulled, he had pulled Taehyung closer to him and now their faces were closer to each other.

When Jungkook felt the hands around his wrists loosening, he could also notice it was because Taehyung's attention was elsewhere. At this point, he didn't care about what Taehyung was hiding or why he was hiding it, he only wanted to keep playing with him, so, with a mischievous look, Jungkook pulled his wrist free easily, and tried to stand up again. But then, Taehyung grabbed him by his waist and he had to grab Taehyung's shoulders to stabilize himself.

Jungkook's breath cut short in his throat, his playful smile disappeared, and any book that might've been in his head wasn't anymore. There was only Taehyung looking up at him with his big hands holding his waist. He looked down at Taehyung's hands and could only muse on how good that would feel if he wasn't wearing his coat, the shirt he was wearing right now was of a soft and thin material, thinner than the long sleeve shirt he had the night before, how good would Taehyung's warm hands feel if he took his coat off...?

When he realized where his thoughts went, he had a moment of denial. But he was tired of denials, he was tired of thinking what he wanted to do was wrong, what if it wasn't wrong? What if everything he had been taught since he was a toddler didn't apply to him? What if... He cut his thoughts short before they went any further. And besides, Taehyung was looking up at him with something that Jungkook could only describe as adoration, how could he be thinking of anything else that wasn't him?

Him and his hands holding his waist. Jungkook's thoughts wandered again to how Taehyung's thumbs would be right on the curve of his abs if he wasn't wearing his coat, and on how warm his hands would feel, how secure his hold would be, and how close to his longing skin his touch would be...

He suddenly remembered why they were in this position. Taehyung was trying to restrain him from going after his book. So, if Taehyung had grabbed him by the waist to stop him from moving, what would he do next if Jungkook tried to move again? Just out of curiosity, he started to smile mischievously down at him like he had something planned.

And the reaction when Taehyung realized Jungkook was "up to something" was the one Jungkook thought most likely, and the one he wanted.

- Oh, no, don't. - Taehyung said with a grin and tightened his hands on his waist. Jungkook's breathing and smile stuttered as he felt his grip tight around him, but yet again the longing to feel without his coat was palpable in his skin.

It was the first time anyone had grabbed him by the waist. The first time anyone looked at him like that, the first time anyone wanted him close like this, the first time anyone was so alluring to him, the first time he wanted to hug someone for the good feeling of it more than to get away from the bad feeling of not having any contact, it was the first time in his life he felt this strange thing in his chest that made him giggle and get shy and made his face heat up. It was all new, but it wasn't unpleasant like new things often were, this felt more like he had been missing out on something really good he didn't even know he had been missing.

- ...Hug me? - He asked in a tiny voice averting his eyes. The daylight made things much more difficult, he felt exposed on a whole nother level. Taehyung's arms started to slide to Jungkook's back, but Jungkook wanted to feel that. - Wait... - He went to open his coat, but Taehyung grabbed his hands.

When Jungkook looked up, he saw Taehyung holding a breath.

- Why do you feel the need to... take off your coat? - He asked, looking at his own hands grabbing Jungkook's.

Jungkook couldn't think of a worse question for Taehyung to have asked at a time when he was already so shy.

- If you don't like it, I won't. - He promised in a tiny voice, preferring to say this than to answer his question.

- Actually, - Taehyung looked back up at him with a nervous sort of look. - I... liked it a little too much last night, that's why I think it could be a problem. - Then he averted his eyes to one side and lowered his head.

Jungkook couldn't see the problem. He had felt on cloud nine, high, intoxicated to the point of having shaky legs last night, Taehyung telling him that he had liked that as well was only making his previous worries disappear, why didn't he want to feel that again with him?

With Emily, he felt satisfied at the end of one hug, but with Taehyung, it felt like he could never have enough. He liked how he felt protected in his chest, engulfing him in his warmth. Emily always felt sort of chilly and when she hugs him he feels like he was the one who was supposed to protect her. With Taehyung he could let himself be weak and vulnerable, without feeling any less of a man.

He had felt good and he could've sworn that Taehyung had felt good too. Taehyung had been the one offering to hug him, and he hadn't objected to him taking his coat off. Only now, he'd admitted that he liked it as well. The fact that he had liked it was enough to think that he would like to feel it again just like Jungkook, but he didn't want to?

- I... can't see the problem...? -

Taehyung frowned at the floor and looked up at him, confused.

- You--... You do know what I'm talking about, right? -

Jungkook couldn't think of anything to answer. Was Taehyung talking about something specific that he should've understood easily even if he hadn't spoken it? Well, what could that be? "I liked it a little too much last night, that's why I think it could be a problem" was he trying to say that he didn't like to feel too good? Or maybe he didn't like to feel good with him? Or was he trying to tell him that they mustn't hug as they weren't allowed, just like the day before when he asked if he could paint him?

No, he didn't seem to be telling Jungkook off for doing something out of line, for instance, Taehyung had started to hug him right before Jungkook tried to take his coat off, so it wasn't about the hug, it was about Jungkook taking his coat off. But why? When he took it off yesterday, Taehyung didn't seem as uncomfortable or nervous as he was right now, but why? Because he felt "too good"? That didn't make any sense. The only thing that would make hugging a problem was that it wasn't allowed, but he had started to hug Jungkook, so the only thing that was left that could be a problem, in Taehyung's words, was that it was a problem because it felt good... that doesn't make any sense.

- I don't get it. - Jungkook was screwing up his mind trying to understand what Taehyung meant but to no avail. Taehyung looked at him with confusion, like Jungkook should've understood what he was trying to say with ease. It made him feel kind of stupid for not being able to. - Look, just tell me not to do it and I won't. - He was getting impatient with Taehyung's silence, he wanted to understand what he meant as soon as possible so they could hug already.

- Answer me first, why do you want to take it off? -

Jungkook sighed impatiently and looked everywhere but at Taehyung. Then, upon accepting that he'll have to answer him or they couldn't get past this, he pulled at his hands slightly until he let him go, and then raised them to Taehyung's shoulders so he could lean closer to his ear to answer him since he didn't want to look at his face while he said something so embarrassing.

- When I take my coat off I can feel you better. - He whispered. Suddenly, Taehyung leaned back and his back hit the bookshelf with Jungkook still leaning over him. Jungkook chuckled at the abruptness while he was still beside his ear. - What happened? -

- Oh, nothing, don't worry. - He said in a weak voice that was difficult to believe, and Jungkook rested his forehead on the curve where Taehyung's shoulder connected with his neck, feeling his skin.

He wanted to feel what he felt the night before all over again, he wanted to feel the tingles all over his body and the light-headedness along with numb legs. He wanted it so badly. But it appears that Taehyung didn't feel the same way, or like yesterday with the painting, that he wanted it but had to say no. He wanted to respect Taehyung's wishes, but he couldn't deny the annoyment he felt for not being able to do what he wanted.

He detached himself from Taehyung, sitting back down beside him and grabbing his book, opening it to start reading.

- ...What happened? - Taehyung's tiny voice sounded disappointed.

Jungkook looked up at the bookshelf in front, confused out of his mind. Didn't Taehyung want space? Did he get it wrong again? Why couldn't he understand Taehyung all of a sudden? Or was Taehyung not even making sense to himself? Jungkook looked beside him at Taehyung.

- I thought you didn't want to hug me. - That wasn't the right conclusion but it had been the one that made more sense.

- No, that's not true. Come here. - Taehyung then slowly put his right arm around Jungkook's shoulders. Jungkook's confusion was stopped by a sudden shudder going down his spine.

Very well, Taehyung did want to hug, he only didn't want Jungkook to take his coat off, that was it, he could try to do that, couldn't he?

Jungkook grinned slightly, still confused but glad all the same. He left his book aside to lean against Taehyung's side, resting his head against his shoulder and feeling how the arm around his shoulders hugged him comfortably. He could feel a slight movement of his hair at the top of his head that Jungkook could only imagine was because of Taehyung's breathing. It felt nice to be close to him like this, comfortable and restful. If he wanted, he could fall asleep like this.

But he didn't want to sleep right now, he wanted to feel "the tingles" and he wasn't feeling it in this position. To start with, he couldn't feel much of Taehyung beside him.

He frowned.

- I don't like this. - Jungkook leaned away from Taehyung and saw how disconcerted he looked, then Jungkook looked at both of them. - I don't like this position. I don't feel anything. - Then he heard Taehyung laughing beside him and looked up.

- Then... turn around?... No, face the other way, face this shelf right here. - Taehyung instructed him, and he did so, he turned around in his seat and faced the shelf Taehyung was resting upon. - Now, come here. - And he opened his arms waiting for Jungkook.

So he leaned in and to the side, resting his head on Taehyung's left shoulder while sitting by his right side, and when Taehyung hugged him he felt slightly good

- Do you like this better? - Taehyung asked in a low voice and Jungkook could feel the vibration on his chest and the sound of it close to his ear. He liked that, but the position was still a bit off.

- A bit. - He shrugged one shoulder and tried to feel good, but couldn't manage it, his spine didn't like to be forced into this shape so his back was starting to ache.

- I have two other options if you want to hug while we're still seated, but I don't think--

- Which ones? - He got out of Taehyung's chest and stared expectantly at him.

Taehyung looked unsure.

- Think about it. What would be the perfect position for a hug to be chest to chest while being seated? -

Jungkook looked up the shelf while he thought, and felt how Taehyung softly rubbed his hand up and down his back, but he couldn't feel as much as he wanted to due to his coat, and that was driving him mad. He thought about what Taehyung just said and first thought of how they had been hugging the night before, then tried to imagine the same thing but with the two of them sitting down still chest to chest without their legs in the middle...

Then he realized, and it must've shown in his face because Taehyung's hand stopped on his back.

- I would be... sitting... on your lap...? - He asked, looking at the shelf and feeling his ears heating up. His mind was split in two with this proposition, the good side telling him not to do it and reminding him that it was wrong, then the bad side was telling him to do it, that he would be really comfortable, that then he wouldn't have to worry about wobbly legs and he could lean completely on Taehyung, that he would be feeling even more of him... The dark side won. - ...Ok. - He said quietly.

- Are you sure? - Didn't Taehyung realize how embarrassing it was to agree to sit on his thighs?

- I already said yes, why do you make me think about it any more than I already did? Just... tell me what to do, I don't know what to do. - He leaned away on his knees waiting for Taehyung to instruct him, and eyeing what would be his seat with uncertainty.

- Ok, just making sure. I've never done this so just, go for it, you know? One knee here, one over here... and that's it, right? No need for science. - He straightened up his back slightly.

- Would you be uncomfortable? - Jungkook asked in earnest.

- Believe me, I won't be. - Taehyung grinned slightly at him.

- Aren't the shelves uncomfortable for your back? - He started to get closer to Taehyung again.

- Jungkook, I'm very comfy over here, don't worry about it. - They smiled at each other and Jungkook took a hold of Taehyung's shoulders again, but stopped.

- Won't I be too heavy though? -

Taehyung laughed at this question and shook his head.

- Jungkook... - He looked like he was about to say something but thought better of it after seeing Jungkook's stony face. - I lift weights and you don't look heavy, I'm sure you'll feel like a feather. - And he smiled reassuringly at Jungkook who did feel better after Taehyung said he lifts weights.

He eyed his destination still with uncertainty, he knew he had to open his legs to put his right knee on the other side of Taehyung, but opening his legs right in front of Taehyung felt so embarrassing his body wouldn't move. He sat back down on his heels and rested his forehead against Taehyung's shoulder.

- I can't do it. - He would feel too exposed, and thinking of any part of Taehyung touching his buttocks was such a foreign thought that he didn't know what to think, "He shouldn't be touching any part of you Jungkook- shut up, I like his hugs. But it's wrong, Jungkook, and you perfectly well know why it is- lalalalalala I can't hear you".

- That's fine Jungkook. Please, don't do anything you don't want to do. - He rubbed Jungkook's back again comfortably, being able to ease his inner turmoil momentarily.

- But I do want to be close. - He was a little exasperated with himself for being unable to just swing his leg over Taehyung, and he also was horrified with himself for even wanting such a thing. How frustrating.

- Then... - Jungkook lifted his frowny face at Taehyung and saw him shifting down a little, leaning against the bookshelf like a recliner, and then leaned back up away from it. - Put your knees here. - He patted the floor in between his legs.

Upon understanding, Jungkook's face lifted and he felt like this was much more doable than the last one, he wouldn't be sitting his whole weight on Taehyung and he didn't have to open his legs.

Jungkook then placed his hands near Taehyung's neck, and carefully placed his knees in between his legs one by one. When he was in the middle, he looked up at Taehyung who was looking at him with glowing eyes, then he felt how Taehyung slid his arms around him and pulled him close. Jungkook wasn't sure of this new position now that he thought about it, but then Taehyung leaned back against the bookshelf, and Jungkook was left resting on top of him.

His forehead was against the side of Taehyung's neck, his hands had slid down some buttons and now they were in the middle of his chest, Taehyung's arms were around him holding him close to his chest; he was between Taehyung's legs and Jungkook's hip bones were against his belt. He could hear his heart, feel his pulse, smell his scent, and he was more against Taehyung than he had been the night before. Jungkook's mind was in battle.

The good side was the logical side, the one that knew the rules he had to follow and wanted to follow them, the one that saw what could be explained as the final truth, and most of all, the one that he showed to society, this side helped him be polite to people whom he just wanted to roll his eyes at, it helped him go to class when he didn't want to, it helped him... well, not helped him, it made him lock himself up in his room, it made him overthink until he was panting for air, it made him want to hide away, it made him have headaches... it made him behave like a robot following rules without a soul... it made him hate himself...

The... "bad side", was the... wrong? part of his brain?... It was the side that loved to read and write, the one that loved to paint and listen to music while walking alone in the street, it was the one that felt peace when he was alone and he could just be himself, it was the one that made him jump around in his room to the beat of a song, it was the one that found beautiful things to paint, it was the one that could find beautiful attributions in men, it was the one that found Taehyung mesmerizing, breathtaking, mind-blowing, kind-hearted, endearing, heartwarming, beautiful beyond belief... It was the one that loved the feeling of Taehyung surrounding him, protecting him, caressing him. The one that didn't want Taehyung under any kind of harm.

If he followed the good side of his brain he would lose the person he had been waiting to find all his life. If he followed the good side of his brain, he would lose himself forever.

Jungkook relaxed against Taehyung, letting gravity do the job of keeping them close to one another and letting his hands slide up to Taehyung's shoulders under his suit jacket, feeling his warmth and closing his eyes, getting comfortable.

- Do you like this better? - Asked Taehyung in a low voice, making Jungkook sigh, feeling the vibration of it.

- Yes. - He won't lose Taehyung, he can't let him just go away and his logical thoughts seem not to agree with him. No, he won't think of that right now.

- Good. - He heard Taehyung say with a smile and then felt how he rubbed his hand up and down his back. And the frustration came back.

Jungkook sighed.

- Can I please take my coat off? - He pleaded against his neck with his cheek flushed against the neck of Taehyung's white button-up shirt, completely giving up trying to be selfless and succumbing to his own wishes. Taehyung laughed lazily.

- Ok, ok, go on. - Jungkook smiled and pushed himself up and back on his heels. While he took his coat off he saw Taehyung straightening up away from the bookshelf and closer to him with a sharp intake of breath.

- ...Nice shirt.-

- Thanks. - He finished taking his coat off and passed it to Taehyung. - You can use it as a pillow or something. - Taehyung took it and started to fold it. - I really like this shirt, but I don't usually wear it. - He shrugged and Taehyung looked up, eyebrows pulled together.

- Why not? - He looked back down and finished folding the coat in an imitation of a pillow, then turned his torso around to see where to put it.

- Because... The fabric is too thin, and that doesn't really make me feel comfortable since I like to feel sort of... protected by my clothes or something. I usually wear dark and slightly loose clothes to make that barrier effect. -

He had never told this to anybody, it would be admitting that he needed protection when as a man he shouldn't be feeling this way. But it felt really good to tell him.

Taehyung turned his torso back around to look at him unsure.

- But then... don't you feel uncomfortable right now? -

Jungkook hesitated.

- A little, yeah. - Then he smiled apologetically and hugged his middle while looking down. This shirt wasn't only of a thin fabric, it was soft white cotton that hugged his toned torso and arms gently. It felt really good to wear it, but he also felt a little exposed. Taehyung looked confused. But before he could say anything, Jungkook explained. - But, I'll feel comfortable once you've hugged me again. I feel protected when you hug me, you see. It feels better than wearing any coat. - He finished in a tiny voice.

Suddenly, Taehyung hugged him tightly and sawed them a little. Jungkook laughed at the abruptness.

- Always, always, I will always protect you Jungkook, I promise you. - Jungkook's heart did that strange thing again, and he couldn't stop smiling.

Taehyung then leaned back but didn't stop until he reached the floor.

Jungkook hadn't noticed them shifting down enough for Taehyung's head to be resting against his coat like a pillow. When he told Taehyung he could use it as a pillow, it never crossed his mind that their position would change like this. He was completely on top of him now, his hip bones upper than Taehyung's belt and his own torso moved with Taehyung's breathing, his own arms were once again on Taehyung's shoulders beneath his suit jacket while his were around him and his hands were open against Jungkook's back, pulling him even closer.

Jungkook could feel everything he had been longing to feel without his coat. Taehyung's warmth, touch, the buttons of his shirt, and his hands felt like they could be touching his skin in comparison with how it felt when he had his coat on. Jungkook could feel a chill running down his spine, rendering him limp against Taehyung. His mind went foggy, he could feel his body temperature rising comfortably, he felt himself relaxing even more against Taehyung, and he closed his eyes feeling as relieved as if he had just stepped inside a warm bath on a cold day.

- Could you... - His voice had gone to a relaxed low purr and Taehyung's breathing stopped for a second. - move your hand as you did before? - Then he rubbed his forehead and the bridge of his nose against Taehyung's neck.

Taehyung tentatively moved his fingertips up and down Jungkook's back with one hand, and Jungkook sighed, catching his bottom lip between his lips, and then Taehyung's other hand moved up to his hair to lightly rub his scalp with his nails just like last night.

- Mmm... - He couldn't stop himself, it just felt so good, so good, soooo good. Jungkook reached his left hand to Taehyung's neck and dragged his nails down the skin as well.

The latter stopped rubbing his back and grabbed Jungkook's hand on his neck.

- Easy Jungkook, you don't want me to stop this, do you? - He talked in a lower tone than usual. Jungkook liked that tone.

- What do you mean? - Jungkook lifted his head as much as he could, ending him right at Taehyung's ear. - You can make me go all weak but I can't return the favor? -

- Jungkook...- Taehyung grabbed a soft fistful of his hair and the pull of it made Jungkook's eyelids flutter for a moment. Then he felt the ghost of Taehyung's lips close to his ear. - What exactly do you mean by weak? - Jungkook's jaw clenched, making him bite hard on his bottom lip.

- I mean... - He let out a huff of air making Taehyung pull his hair in a jerk of his wrist, and his eyes closed tightly as he swallowed. - I mean weak in the body, I feel... all... I... I feel so good I can't even think. - He let out a breathy laugh, and suddenly felt the need to rub his lips against something.

- This is exactly what I meant when I said "liking it a little too much", Jungkook.-

- I like everything you do. - He got closer to his neck feeling the need to touch his sensitive lips against it. - Every one of your touches is new to me, including the ones I do to you, and it all feels so good I want more. - And then he closed the distance between his lips and Taehyung's neck, staying stationary and just feeling that one spot, feeling his skin with one of the most sensitive parts of his body. He felt his heat, his slight goosebumps, the tension on his neck, and the movement it did when Taehyung swallowed.

- Jungkook... I get why you might feel good... but I don't thi--nk. No, kook, don't do that. - Jungkook had started to slightly rub his lips against that one spot on Taehyung's neck, just to feel the skin there even more. Taehyung let out a sigh. - I'm trying to--...- Taehyung swallowed once more and folded his right leg beside Jungkook's left one. - I'm trying to be the responsible--...- Jungkook got free of Taehyung's hold on his hand and dragged his nails against his neck again. - Mmm... -

That sound... had awoken something in Jungkook he had no idea was there.

It awoke the need to hear that sound again, to hear it louder, hear it right at his ear, feel the goosebumps that it raised in his skin over and over again, he wanted to bite Taehyung's neck, he wanted to hear how much he liked Jungkook's touch, he wanted to make Taehyung go weak and limp and desperate just like he was, he wanted more, feel more, hear more, touch more, even taste more, he was so thirsty, his mouth had gone dry in just a second. He had no idea where all of this was coming from, it had never happened before.

Jungkook curled all ten fingers against Taehyung and then brushed the tip of his tongue against that one spot on Taehyung's neck.

The reaction was instantaneous. Taehyung gasped and turned them around, imprisoning Jungkook between his legs and grabbing his wrist against the floor at either side of his head. Jungkook felt out of breath, but the floor was cold, so, instinctively, his back arched as he hissed, and went back down again.

When he focused back on Taehyung, he noticed his eyes were darker than usual. And that stare he was giving him was so on the edge of losing it that it made Jungkook want to play a little.

- Did you like that a little too much? - Jungkook laughed. He was feeling high and good all over, he didn't want this to stop.

Taehyung grinned.

- Haven't you stopped to think that every new touch for you might be a new one for me as well? How would you feel if I just went and kissed you on the neck, huh? - Jungkook's laugh died in a gasp when he thought of that, oh how good that must've felt if it made Taehyung jump like that, oh how good. Jungkook bit his lip inside his mouth and then released it to smirk up at Taehyung who shook his head looking slightly out of breath. - You know that there's always a problem when it comes to liking things a little too much, right? You know what liking things a little too much can do to... to the body, right? - Taehyung looked uncertain but with a longing deep inside.

Jungkook wanted Taehyung to put his lips on his neck, that was all he was thinking about.

- Get closer. - He looked down at Taehyung's lips and wanted them on his neck, his sensitive neck, he wanted to feel how good that could be, he was desperately curious.

Unconsciously, Taehyung got closer to him.

- Trust me Jungkook, I know it might feel good, but you have to think--

- Get closer. -

Taehyung let go of Jungkook's hands to place his elbows on either side of his head with his lips near Jungkook's neck, and Jungkook could feel his silent laughter.

- The consequences, Jungkook...- His voice came out in a purr, making Jungkook close his eyes at the chills running through his body. - I don't think you've even thought this through... - Jungkook hardly took in a word Taehyung had said, he was limp on the floor with his lip between his teeth shaking with curiosity and anticipation.

When he regained some strength in his arms, he wrapped the right one around Taehyung from inside his suit jacket, and his left one went to the back of Taehyung's head.

- Get... closer...-

Taehyung sighed and the warm air went against Jungkook's neck raising goosebumps, he tried pulling Taehyung's torso down to him so they would be chest to chest like before, but Taehyung wouldn't budge, so Jungkook tangled his fingers on Taehyung's hair with his other hand, just like he had done to Jungkook, and softly scraped his scalp with his nails.

Taehyung took a sharp intake of breath and tensed all over, Jungkook took the hair closer to his nape in a fist and pulled gently. Taehyung hissed, resting his forehead against his neck. Jungkook dragged his nails down the length of Taehyung's neck, up, and down, then scraped his scalp, pulled his hair, and dragged down his nails again. Taehyung was trying to control his panting breath, he even tried to stop Jungkook's hand, but his own hand had been too heavy, and couldn't lift it properly. It was very clear to Jungkook that Taehyung was enjoying this a lot, and because of that, Jungkook didn't want to stop.

Jungkook's need to touch Taehyung with his lips came back, and given that the only part he could reach comfortably was his ear, he turned his head slightly.

- Oh, Kooky, no... - Jungkook grinned and took the tip of his ear softly between his teeth while Taehyung tried to move again, but it appears that his body had gone weak. - Kooky...-

- Feels good, Tae? - Then he brushed his tongue over the tip, took it in his teeth, closed his lips around it, and sucked a little, all in instinct.

Taehyung panted.

- Too good, Jungkook. This is a problem. -

- I still don't see how. - And he sucked the tip again.

- Oh, you don't? ...Let me show you then. -

And then suddenly, he connected his lips to Jungkook's neck.

Jungkook let go of his ear, and Taehyung moved up and down the length of Jungkook's neck, brushing his lips against the side of it. Jungkook's eyes closed and his mouth opened a little, his limbs felt weak again and he couldn't continue caressing Taehyung. Then Taehyung gave a little peck to his neck, and Jungkook took a little gasp of surprise, Taehyung gave another peck, and then another. It felt strangely good, it felt... It felt really good. Jungkook wanted more.

Then Taehyung's next peck was a little lower, then the next one a little lower, until he was giving a peck to Jungkook's collarbone. Jungkook's heart was beating so hard in his heaving chest, his skin was on fire, his eyes shut tight, his back was uncontrollably arching slightly and his legs wouldn't stop moving around between Taehyung's, it almost felt unbearably good. He had never felt this good, he didn't know what this was, but the only thing he cared about was that he wanted more. Taehyung went up again, giving small kisses all the way he got nearer to Jungkook's ear.

It wasn't until Jungkook's hips involuntarily rolled upwards that he felt something...

His breathing stopped, his eyes opened wide and his body tensed up.

- Stop, stop, stop -

Immediately, Taehyung stopped and let go of him. His voice had come out as a hurried whisper, no low voice, no purr, and his both hands moved to his own chest in tight fists, his legs going tight shut. Jungkook was looking up at the ceiling behind Taehyung's head, and, when he raised to look at him, Taehyung sighed.

- I told you. - Upon remembering Taehyung's words from earlier on about how he had a problem with liking it too much, he... wasn't sure what to think. - Do you want me to get off? - Jungkook looked sideways at him and he just... he couldn't... he didn't know...

- Here's the thing... - Jungkook frowned and then continued. - I... never thought this could be possible so I am... highly... uncomfortable right now...? - He wasn't sure, but Taehyung smiled reassuringly at him.

- I do want to hug you, Jungkook. If it's only hugging. - Taehyung chuckled and Jungkook felt slightly ashamed looking back at the ceiling behind Taehyung. - No no. - Taehyung held Jungkook's cheek with his palm and turned his face back to him until Jungkook's eyes were looking at him again. - I say only hugging because of the effect your touch has on me, and I don't want to do anything reckless. - He said this in a low, honest voice, holding Jungkook's chin and looking openly into his eyes.

Jungkook didn't want to believe it, it was too much. The information his own body gave him, and now the information Taehyung was giving him was making his mind want to shut down. All his teachings, beliefs, lines, rules, and laws were screaming at him in his head and he didn't know what to think, how to think, or how to feel. What is this? He felt scared. He knew nothing.

- ...What time is it? - Jungkook moved his face away from Taehyung's touch, looking to the side.

Taehyung's hand slowly pulled away from his face and Jungkook could see by the side of his eye that Taehyung looked suddenly crestfallen. Oh no, Taehyung doesn't like to be reminded of the time when he was with him... But what else could he have done, he wanted to leave, he felt scared, he wanted to hug Taehyung again like nothing had happened like he wasn't scared. Like before. But he wanted to run away and hide, he wanted to punch himself in punishment, no, he didn't want to, he deserved it, how could he have done this? how could he have fallen so low into his sickness? But was this sickness? He didn't know.

He had to leave. He needed to think or to... cry, he didn't know. Taehyung shouldn't be close to him anymore if he was indeed sick in the head. He had said it himself, the effect Jungkook's touch had on him was problematic, and Jungkook now knew he was right. He had to leave him for Taehyung's good. But how painful would that be?

Jungkook said he wanted to be closer, but... he didn't know exactly what closeness was in the first place.

He looked down, feeling a lump forming in his throat. Taehyung hadn't moved, Jungkook wanted to stay... He'll have to make him move.

- Please, let me go. -

Slowly, Taehyung moved away, sat down beside him, and got up. Jungkook felt suddenly cold and ashamed like he was naked on the floor. He curled his legs into his chest as he sat and then grabbed his coat from where it was beside him, pulling it on hastily. Taehyung turned around with his hands on his hips. And Jungkook knew he had messed up.

That was his father's pose every time he was disappointed or angry.

Jungkook slowly and silently got up. Then, he moved to kneel to take his book and bag.

- I'm sorry. - Taehyung said behind him, and Jungkook stopped.

- Haven't we gone through this before? It's not your fault. You don't have to apologize for anything. - His voice came out in monotone, he was once again putting a box on top of his feelings so he could breathe properly, how painful it was to close himself to Taehyung. How wrong it felt.

- Then, whose fault is it? Yours? - He sounded slightly angry, as he should.

- Fault for what exactly? I don't even know why you apologized in the first place. - He got up with his belongings on his shoulder and heard footsteps getting closer to his back. His stomach fluttered and he felt the need to punch himself again. He shouldn't be feeling these things. Should he? When Taehyung finished walking, he was right behind him, Jungkook could feel his warm breath close to his ear as he spoke.

- More than being at fault, I'm guilty. -

He frowned.

- But that could only happen if you've committed a–... -

Jungkook broke off, looking unseeingly at the exit of the shelves and feeling... What was he feeling? He didn't know. Of Course, he wouldn't know, he was muffling his feelings at the moment, but if he let himself feel one thing then he would feel it all and he was sure that he would turn around and wrap himself around Taehyung. He shouldn't do that, no, he should just go before he does something wrong again.

Without letting himself even open his mouth to say goodbye, he started walking away, feeling colder with every step he took away from him.      

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🌼Thank you for reading Chapter 10,

You can support my writing by giving me a tip in BuyMeACoffee☕Go to my Instagram and click on the highlight story called Coffee. I'm grateful for everything you can give me💜

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Your devoted writer,

Ela Shadow Rose 🥀

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Go ahead with the next Chapter ->->->