CHAPTER ELEVEN ,
esteem all as enemies

⠀I wasn't sure how long I had been staring at the wall. It's one of those moments that is dulled by the lack of sound, and your own lack of movement, that you eventually lose track of time. Those were sacred... holy. Whenever something like this came round, these instants were framed by nothing but platinum and gold.

⠀I curled my hand out from under my thin blanket, reaching to the wall and tracing the scratches there. With all my analysis of the small ranges in this prison, I couldn't help finding it similar to a echo of me ― scores and dark corners.

⠀Trailing the ends of my fingers over the surface, I pressed with a firmer certainty... filing down my nails. It was a trick I learned from a girl I once knew.

⠀"Marley?" I almost didn't turn, going to just answer back, but I craned my neck. My bones made a small noise of protest, after being in an awkward sleeping position for so long. In my peripheral vision appeared Lori, shiftlessly standing in the doorway to my cell.

⠀The sight of the older woman made me turn on an axis, gripping the sheets beneath me to anchor my body upwards. I didn't pose a question myself, but her eyes registered my tired and slightly bewildered aspect.

⠀"Here," she started, reaching behind herself to bring something into my perspective. I let out my hand, ready to retrieve whatever she was showing me. Lori placed an extremely haggard, but still useful hat between my fingers. The comical picture of a falcon painting the top of it. They stride each other in their firey position. And the first thing I did was set it upon my unkempt hair.

⠀"For your hair," she continued, lifting one side of her lips at me. "For if it falls out... again."

⠀I still sat in my place, unsure of what to say next. But I spoke as we usually did. "That's a good idea." I gave her the best form of smile I could.

⠀Wiping down my jeans, I stood straight in front of her, uneasily keeping my eyes from her stomach. With the brim of the hat shielding any morning sun, I could look at her face in a wide thank you. To which she returned with a smile.

⠀"Rick and the others are outside," she sighed wearily. "Moving cars."

⠀I nodded in response, moving past her in the doorway and neglecting the small amount of space I called closeness.

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⠀Somehow, the sky was tepid and bluer than the day before. My shoulders were covered by my thin, black shirt but all it did was heat up my skin. With the appearance of T-Dog, Carol, Rick, and Daryl far down the driveway from me, I rolled up my sleeves.

⠀As I came over, they stopped looking at the ground and over to me. I turned my hot nose into my shoulder. I set myself besides Rick in our new, calm formation. Gladly, this wasn't a circle for taking out walkers.

⠀I looked down to see my boots covered from top to bottom in dust.

⠀"We'll park them in the west entry of the yard," he nodded towards me in ovation, to which I rebounded. He had his hands settled on his hips, leaning back into the shade. Daryl made his appearance from behind the tipped bus, throwing a chain to the ground as T-dog pursued his lead.

⠀"Good," he started, glancing over at me for a moment. He swallowed heavily before continuing. "Our vehicles camped out there looked like a giant 'vacancy' sign!"

⠀I looked past the people around me, to the work they had done in moving a few cars around. Even though I had woken up in this prison twice, only then did I feel like we were actually making a home of it. One we could all stay in.

⠀And with my observations, I spotted the mass amounts of corpses that hid amongst the tall grass. I pulled down my hat a little further from the sun as we all started walking up the path. "The corpses?" I turned to Rick in inquest

⠀"We'll load them up so we can burn them," he answered, pointing his arm out to the field.

⠀"It's gonna be a long day..." T-Dog half groaned, and that reminder only dampened my inclination.

⠀Carol came up beside my shoulder, and I heard her speak for the first time this morning. "Where's Glenn and Maggie? We could use some help." She turned to me as if I knew, to which I only gave her a small shake of my head.

⠀But Daryl seemed to know exactly where they were. "Up in the guard tower," the man declared, and I turned on my heels in incredulity towards him. His own eyes scanned up my body and over my head towards the aforementioned building. The road his pupils took made me shiver and I didn't exactly know why.

⠀"Guard tower?" Rick asked in skepticism. "They were just up there last night."

⠀We all paused, and I stayed still whilst Daryl came up to stand beside me just before he started to yell. "Glenn!" He rose a hand to his lips, cupping it to make himself louder. "Maggie!"

⠀I gradually turned, knocking shoulders with Daryl as we waited stoicly, and patiently for a reply.

⠀Not too late after the awakening call, Glenn revealed himself from the door to the guard tower, scrambling to tie up his belt.

⠀"H-Hey," Glenn said, masking the embarrassment in a light, astonished tone. "What's up guys?"

⠀None of us, and even I couldn't help but guffaw at the scene before us. We turned to each other with red in our cheeks and eyes crinkled with laughter. I brought my hands to the sides of my face and pressed them firmly into my skin as a light sigh escaped me.

⠀"You comin'?" The sudden question from the man beside me made me jump until I turned to him with a mixture of perplexity, disgust, and humor in my expression. I almost choked.

⠀"What?"

⠀"You coming?"

⠀Glenn still looked baffled, turning to the shadows ― probably to ask Maggie what the redneck meant. His movements slowed at his belt, and he remained speechless.

⠀"Come on, we could use a hand," Daryl shouted back, before he retreated to our attention and the work at hand, letting go of the humor he rarely had. One that wasn't dry and poking, but familial.

⠀Just as we all matched each other's paces towards getting more tasks done, T-Dog suddenly spoke up. "Hey, Rick!" His tone had changed, and it made us all twist towards him.

⠀We regarded as Rick circled himself, expression lowering and fading. His once light aura had turned quickly into an angry frown.

⠀Daryl followed after him, barely emitting what he was feeling as Rick's line of sight revealed the two prisoners that had been left behind. They stood just before the fence on top of the field.

⠀The morning had been stirred with happiness until now where it was besmirched. I felt it in my stomach.

⠀"Come with me," our leader calls to Daryl and T-Dog. I followed lingeringly behind them all, eyeing the prisoners from under the rim of my hat. The caution and everlasting distrust between strangers were as present as the heat.

⠀My gaze spotted Rick's hand twitching over his gun holster.

⠀The two inmates approached us steadily, only to be stopped by the instruction of the ex-sheriff's deputy. His austere tone silenced the noise of our shoes on the ground.

⠀"We had an agreement."

⠀"Please mister," the one who sported a mustache said under his breath, before getting louder in desperation. "We know that we made a deal."

⠀As he started to get further into his pleading, Glenn and Maggie exited the watchtower. The humor of their location had been left to the wind.

⠀"But you gotta understand! We can't live in that place another minute, you follow me?" His arms were tightly crossed over his jumpsuit, and I met eyes with him for only a second before I pushed myself to be better behind Daryl.

⠀"All the bodies, people we knew! Blood, brains everywhere! There's ghosts!"

⠀"Why don't you move the bodies out?" Daryl deadpanned, keeping his hands idly on the keys that lay across his hip.

⠀"You should be burning them," T-dog finished.

⠀I moved slowly to be closer to everyone, stepping to the left of Daryl where I could hear things better. The naivety of these two men was irksome, but at the same time, it was understandable. But I wouldn't be the one to instruct them on how to live in this new world. They weren't our responsibility.

⠀"The fence is down on the far side of the prison," the other started. He had a more calm expression. "Every time we drag a body out, those things just line up. Dropping the body and just running back inside."

⠀"Look," the shorter one tried, moving towards us in dismay. "We had nothing to do with Tomas and Andrew, nothing!" I hadn't been given the full details on what happened yesterday. All I knew was that out of five prisoners, only two survived. These two.

⠀"You trying to prove a point? You proved it, bro!" His accent got stronger as his voice strained. "We'll do whatever it takes to be part of your group, just, please, please, don't make us live in that place!"

⠀"Our deal is non-negotiable." Rick's eyes burned into them, either from enragement or aggravation. "You either live in your cellblock, or you leave."

⠀The taller one turned to his friend, and he didn't look surprised at all. "Told you this was a waste of time." I narrowed my eyes towards him, sensing his bitter change in tone. His own eyesight turns from his companion to Rick, in an almost stabbing action. "They ain't no different than the pricks who shot up our boys.

⠀"You know how many friends' corpses we had to drag out this week? Just threw 'em out like... Those were good guys! Good guys who had our backs against the really bad dudes in the joint like Thomas and Andrew." He was as sincere as the rest of us, and I could tell this wasn't just some ruse to try and squeeze us of pity for them. In those ways, he described he was just the same as us.

⠀I took half a step forward, crossing my arms over myself. "You're talking like..." I paused when everyone looked to me a little too quickly. "Like we don't understand." My voice innadvertantly elevated, remembering the week in our first camp that we lost nearly everyone.

⠀We've had to drag the corpses of our friends through mud, and fire. Some we didn't even get to bury; some we left in their own decay, their own field. Most of them... we never got to say goodbye. And who's to think we deserved a goodbye, but it would have hurt a lot less to have a parting be more graceful. I would have liked to say goodbye.

⠀I continued my explanation. "You're lucky," my words came out more as an exertion. "You haven't seen what is out there... having to bury the people you care about. Not everyone gets that."

⠀"Not everyone gets to say goodbye whether they're dead or alive." Nobody but the man I was directing my speech to bat an eyelash ― because they were not affronted, or astonished. Because it was true.

⠀The one with the mustache turned to his companian, pressing him on to speak, maybe because he knew there was nothing he could say himself that I would find to be a good argument. Or Maybe he was just scared of us... me?

⠀So the taller one spoke again. "Look," he raised his hands ever so slightly. "We've all made mistakes to get in here, chief." His eyes moved, again, to Rick. "And I'm not gonna' pretend to be a saint, but believe me, we've paid our due."

⠀He had completely ignored me, and he took a deep breath before continuing; probably sensing how caustic my eyes were towards him.

⠀"Enough that we would rather hit that road," he flagged the gates behind us. "Than go back into that shithole."

⠀I decided to hold my tongue when I felt the need to warn them of the troubles, to warn them of what was on that particular road ― some things we knew, which were malicious. Even things we knew nothing of, which is just as malignant as seeing everything on your horizon.

⠀And just as I did, the whole group that was present fell taciturn. The man's insubordinate, and disgruntled expression was all we could see.

⠀Rick oscillated on his heels, before fully revolving to face us. And I witnessed as his eyes aimed at Daryl's in a prying glance. My sights accompanied his as I looked to the man beside me too. His answer to Rick was simple, and it seemed conclusive. He gave our leader a small shake of his head; as if to say, "no way."

⠀Whether or not they stayed, in my head, did not bother me. The deal we had culminated with them guaranteed we wouldn't interact. But at the possibility of them being thrown out, and us having no liabilities on our doorstep, and no unknown company, my heart jumped slightly in agreement.

⠀Rick pivoted back to the prisoners. "Suit yourself."

⠀I stood back with T-Dog, Carol, Maggie, and Glenn, as the two others of our crowd governed the inmates down the path and towards the gate. Their titles changing to freedom, on their own volition, but much to the distaste of T-Dog.

⠀Standing with my back to the overturned bus, I drew my hat down slightly to exclude anyone questioning me. My opinions were always... different than others. In past times I'd been derided for how I handled situations that included people.

⠀Rick had his hand up beside T-Dog as he questioned him, and even I could feel the sheriff's glare from over my friend's shoulder. "Are you serious?" He asked him in dubiety. "You want them living in a cell next to you?"

⠀"They'll just be waiting for a chance to grab our weapons, you want to go back to sleeping with one eye open?" He stepped back slightly, seeming to address all of us, almost making a dare to quarrel against him.

⠀"I never stopped," T-Dog said simply.

⠀By this time, Daryl had stepped back to us, taking his place like me with his back to the bus and his eyes to the group.

⠀The only one opposed to the strangers leaving the prison, took a calm but certain approach to his argument.

⠀"Bring them into the fold," he looked to us all now. His eyes implored for us to agree. I recognized the morality in his expression from every time he strived for us to be better people. T-Dog was one of extremely few in the group that had most of their concrete ethic left. "If we send them off packing, we might as well execute them ourselves."

⠀"I don't know," Glenn commenced. "Axel seems a little unstable."

⠀Tucking my hands in the edges of my pockets, I toed the dirt on the ground, trying to keep myself under wraps. "And people can lie through their teeth about who they are, anyways." Unlike everyone else who had to squint under the sunlight, I could see all their opinions across their faces as clear as the sky.

⠀"After all we've been through?" Carol murmured. "We fought so hard for all this, what if they decide to take it?"

⠀Maggie agreed, lowering her voice, and it must have been because from where she stood, she could still see them; idly abandoned. "It's just been us for so long. They're strangers. I don't― it feels weird all of a sudden to have these other people around."

⠀We hadn't had a new addition to the group since... Harvey. He was still here, and he had certainly proven himself.

⠀T-Dog remained unmoved by their counteractions. "You brought us in," he paused for a moment, wiping the sweat from his forehead. "We brought Harvey, Will, and Laura in." I blinked rapidly at the mention of the dead people's names.

⠀Maggie scuffed her shoe along the floor. "Yeah, but you turned up with a shot boy in your arms, didn't give us a choice." She folded her arms, looking wearied the conversation.

⠀T-Dog then turned sharply towards me. "Harvey saved Hershel, and we didn't know him."

⠀Raising my eyebrows, I argued back. "I did!" My back straightened, hands curling at the edges of my shirt. "They weren't... strangers ― at all."

⠀Rick then fixed his hand on T-Dog's shoulder. "Harvey, Will, and Laura were brought in for meds because Marley was dying."

⠀"And don't you remember what happened the last time we ran into strangers?" the memory of Laura's cracked skull played across my eyes, over and over again. My sentence seemed to silence the crowd; as if they wanted me to continue, almost relying on my bad memories to end the dispute. "I know they can't even kill walkers, as far as we see. But, they're convicts, bottom line."

⠀"Those two might actually have less blood on their hands than we do." He stated a good point, a very true one. They had been insulated and unaccompanied for so long, even if they had inexplicable pasts, there was a most probable chance they hadn't done what we have. It left us in a short suppress.

⠀"I get guys like this," Daryl hadn't spoken a word since he reappeared to us, so his gruff voice came as a shock to my system for a moment. "Hell, I grew up with 'em."

⠀"They're degenerates but they ain't psyhcos," he looked at me as if to reassure me I was safe. Those men weren't going to hurt me. "I could have been in there with them just as easy as I'm out here with you guys."

⠀I didn't know Daryl before any of this, just his brother. In that moment, I had a notion that he saw the cast shadow of his brother. He saw Merle in prison and suspected he was no better. But they were so dissimilar, and I had firsthand experience to know that.

⠀I didn't ever think Daryl would be that way, yet he still thought he was just the debauched, unimportant one of the group. He wasn't.

⠀T-Dog straightened his shoulders, a hopeful stance as he looked over to the other man. "So you with me?"

⠀"Hell no!" he said quickly. "Let 'em take their chances out on the road, just like we did." If they would even last that long. Like I had just thought yesterday, these men, as far as we could tell, were like children forced indoors. By themselves, besides us, they could be dangerous ― but out there... they had no idea.

⠀"What I'm saying Daryl―" T-Dog began, but he was cut off by the grating, explicit words of Rick.

⠀"When I was a rookie, I arrested this kid; nineteen years old. Wanted for stabbing his girlfriend," He pointed to the ground ever so often, enunciating his point across to T. "The kid blubbered like a baby during the interrogation, during the trial... suckered the jury."

⠀"He was acquitted due to insufficient evidence, and two weeks later shot another girl. We've been through too much. Our deal with them stands."

⠀Rick seemed to decide that that was the end of the argument. It was true we cannot know what strangers will do, or will not do. Sometimes doing nothing is the hardest thing, and T-dog had that quandary in his mind right then. Rick turned to the rest of us, then parted his ways with Daryl in tow.

⠀Whilst everyone continued to keep moving the cars, I stayed adjacent to T-Dog just a little while longer. His subdued eyes cast to the ground with no hope of me saying something in his favor. And in this moment, I really wouldn't. But that didn't mean he had nothing to say to me.

⠀"It's not right," he said beneath his breath. "We're not even giving them a chance."

⠀Pushing my hair forward over my shoulders, I took precise steps backwards in the direction away from him. "We can't leave things to chance."

⠀Eventually, when we had both caught up with the rest of our team, and the stringent deliberation had been crushed of its flame. It almost felt like we were back into our old rhythm again ― with the exception of Axel, and the man I learned to be Oscar, standing on the outskirts of all our apparition.

⠀As both T-Dog and I joined the group, Rick began to speak again. "Move the cars to the upper yard," he resounded strained as his pace quickened. "Point them facing out. They'll be out of the way but ready to go if we ever need to bail."

⠀Daryl tossed the keys across me and towards Glenn as we approached the gate. I moved to the place where Glenn once was, as he started to jog towards the front passage. And at the back of my trajectory, I could hear T-Dog still fighting for the prisoners' lives, so I hastened my tread.

⠀There was the green Hyundai, I remember Shane acquiring, an SUV, then Daryl's motorcycle. All needed to be moved up the path on our leader's orders.

⠀I felt a hand brush my shoulder, and turning to my right I found Daryl inspecting my new hat for a moment before looking me directly in the eyes. His left hand left the strap of his crossbow to lightly tap the rim of my attire, to where it slightly covered my eyes.

⠀"Here," he gestured towards me with a dusted, black car key. The only thing I could do was take it as he swiftly parted from me, but only paired with a shake of my head... I can't drive. I genuinely don't have a license. The only time I have driven was back on the farm.

⠀"Twin cylinder. Is that a triumph?" Axel's voice rose over my thoughts, as I circled myself to Carol and Maggie. Simply, I handed the key over to Maggie.

⠀"I can't drive."

⠀"No?" She twisted it between her palms, walking over to the driver's side. Carol started to the other car, so I took my course to the passenger of the SUV.

⠀"I'm twenty-one, and yeah, never learned a thing."

⠀Before I entered the vehicle, I took time to look over my shoulder towards the prison and spotted Daryl struggling to start his bike. He kept his eyes downcast. "Don't even look at it," he grunted, pushing down the pedal and finally gaining that deep, revving noise. With that, I dipped down into the SUV.

⠀Maggie started up the path pretty quickly, and the vehicle flew up to the prison, leaving a cloud of dust behind us.

⠀"You really think about all strangers that way?" I had been looking through the front window and saw her lips move in her faint reflection there.

⠀I glanced towards her, pulling the sleeves up of my dress shirt once more, suddenly feeling the baking heat coming from the leather seats in the car. "I've been around nothing but strangers nearly my whole life," I paused swallowing, and tangling with my hands in my lap. "And the ratio of good to bad doesn't convince me I should trust every stranger I meet."

⠀I fully turned to face her, seeing the contemplation on her face, ready to pose another question. "How bad?"

⠀Just as she switched off the engine, and I looked out to spot that we were back in the courtyard, I answered. "Bad."

⠀After stepping out, from far away I could see a collection of people exiting from where our cell block is. After closer inspection, and taking more steps towards them, I made out Hershel, Carl. Harvey, Lori, and Beth.

⠀Hershel moved from the door with his daughter, and Lori supporting him. He struggled, wavered on his crutches ― even when he edged slowly, almost unsurely, it coaxed a smile to my lips.

⠀These past days when all he's had to look at is the underside of the bunk above him, I had felt guilty every time I passed his cell. My actions had sentenced him to a life without that limb. Probably hindering his survival. Even if I knew with all my being that it saved his life, the shame still crawled it's way up my neck.

⠀I followed Maggie to get a closer look at her father. Her teeth flashed, and it sent something warm in my chest. She glanced towards me, reaching out for a section as if to usher me to be with her ― to almost celebrate that someone so dear to here had survived.

⠀As we got closer, I could faintly hear what they were talking about.

⠀"You cleared all those bodies out?" Hershel asked slowly. His skin was less pale than before, and considering he had not long been through a near-death experience, even with the amputation, it was like he had a skip in his step. "It's starting to look like a place we can really live in."

⠀I glimpsed over and across the field, suddenly sensing some movement at the corner of my eyes. Maggie and I stopped our walk, as she looked proudly to her dad and I found what I had been looking for.

⠀Rick stepped in from outside the prison, through the cut hole we had made when we first infiltrated this place. He was followed by Daryl, who eventually held the broken fence open for Glenn. Rick dropped something to the ground before I heard one of them shout something, but I couldn't make out what any of them said... I could tell it was positive.

⠀I paced closer to the field, letting my eyes scatter their attention between our new guests from inside, to the men down the way. Everyone seemed to slow or stop like a content cloud had cast over us. And it seemed to have spread to me too.

⠀As, once again, I adjusted my hat and shirt, there was nothing but relaxation in my bones. I could blame it on the staggering heat, or the presence of a newly risen Hershel. But maybe I could put it down to the fact that... this prison could really be our last stop. Our home. A place we can really live in.

⠀Time slowed...

⠀I looked to Daryl, sensing my lips turn upwards.

⠀I felt another shiver run down my spine

⠀Slowed...

⠀Somehow, the next voice I heard, even though it was panicked, I was too busy looking down the field and towards Daryl to jump to action. He had been leaned up against the wire fence, crossbow lazily hanging from his arm ― I had a sensation he had been looking at me. But the next voice was crucial... I needed to listen.

⠀"Walkers!" It was Carl, his yell alerted everyone. I sucked in a breath, turning my head to where he would be to see just what he had warned was true.

⠀Walkers had started to make their way towards us. The cluster dissipated like roaches, dispersing themselves in search of their next meal. I could feel the confusion from everyone as we all wondered how they got here, but nonetheless, everyone jumped into action.

⠀I watched everyone grab their guns; Maggie, Carl, and Lori effortlessly aimed and fired.

⠀Yet I was left standing on my spot, grasping at my jeans and turning on the spot and finding no weapon for me to use. I had been so stupid as to not equip myself. When I had trusted this in being home... I had been so moronic.

⠀Everything seemed to be moving so rapidly, as everyone else scurried, and ran to protect the people around them and themselves. I was left clawing at the air, no better than the walkers, with nothing to cover my back. In this moment I was of no use.

⠀So the first thing I looked for purchase was the door to the cell block. It was wide open, and gated ― it was safe.

⠀I rushed past Maggie, my eyes flitted past Carl and Lori, and my hands grasped at the metal surrounding the door. From far away eyes, I was a coward; but the truth was that, in this moment, I was of no use to anybody.

⠀"Lori!" Rick's voice carried like an echo, and without my control, my body stopped. Chest heaving, palms flat against the concrete wall by the door. It was so desperate, and harrowing, and hurtful.

⠀Lori.

⠀Lori is still out there.

⠀With my hands trembling, and eyes closed tightly, I let out a calm breath. Then I turned on the spot.

⠀"Lori!" I screeched, spotting her still aiming towards the hoard. At the sound of her name being practically fired through the courtyard, she looked to me and followed my ushering her inside. "Carl!" She grabbed her son's shoulder, starting to jog over and dodging the oncoming walkers.

⠀Looking around once more, I spotted Maggie and her frantic stance. "Maggie!" She mirrored what Lori had done, and made her way towards me.

⠀All three of them arrived at the gated doorway at the same time, and after they had entered, I shut it behind them.

⠀With the presence of walkers on the outside, the cell was our salvation, and we firmly slid the door shut.

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(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ note.
so this is really long but shit all happened. originally i wanted the... 'judith entering the world' scene in this chapter but the discussion with the prisoners and stuff took ages to write

but it seems i'm back with regular updates since i whipped my laptop out and started listening to london grammar which you should too.

words : 4927
2017 / 20 / 10
edited ✓