trigger warnings !!

mentions of loss of self, child
abuse, arguments, and more

white wine and cigarettes | jason todd
006 | loss of self
guilded lily | cults

Thursday came quicker than expected. He may or may not have hacked into Macy's past take out orders to figure out what to buy her for dinner to give her along with a new bottle of wine and cigarettes. They usually drink a bottle of wine each session, Jason tends to drink more than Macy.

"Hi Jason," Macy spoke without looking up from her file and notes.

"Hey doc, I brought you some Thai," Jason replied before taking a seat on her comfortable chairs.

Macy's eyes lit up at the thought of Thai food. She thanked him before beginning the session, "How was your week?" Macy asked, hoping to gain a sense of his mental state before the session begins.

"It was a real shitty week, Macy." Jason groaned out.

"What happened?" She questioned.

"Batman along with my allies found out I'm in therapy, I can't sleep without having past memories resurface." Jason began to list off what happened during the week.

"Digging through and reopening past wounds can cause things like nightmares or trouble falling asleep. Have you tried melatonin?"

"It doesn't work. I've tried it multiple times."

"I can prescribe a sleeping medication called eszopiclone, it's used to treat insomnia. It relaxes your mind and body, helping you fall asleep and keeping you asleep during the night." Macy explained as she grabbed her prescription pad.

"We will start the prescription at a low dose of 1mg because it will cause drowsiness and you may have troubles the next day with coordination. I'll prescribe two weeks worth and we will discuss it more on where to go next in two weeks. My main concern about this being your family history of addiction and eszopiclone can be addictive to some people so we will have to keep an eye out for that. Understand?"

"Yep, I understand Macy." Jason smiled.

"I was just checking." Macy smiled back.

"Now about how Batman and your allies found out about me, did you tell them?"

"I told them to all fuck off in nicer words before spilling it. I did use the coping skills you taught me." Jason was proud of himself for remembering the coping skills, after all they did somewhat help.

"Did you find them helpful?" Macy asked.

"It certainly calmed me down for a minute." Jason said unsure if that was a good thing or not.

"I would say you're making improvements." Macy gently smiled at him, giving him some reassurance that it was indeed a good thing.

"How did it make you feel? The argument I mean."

"He acts like he knows me better than I know myself, like he knows what's best for me when I don't even know what's good for me anymore. I barely know who I am. I'm not the same person as I was ten years ago and he needs to stop thinking that I am. All he sees is either a murderer or a scared little kid who thinks Robin is magical, I can't be those people anymore. All I see when I look in the mirror is a broken man. Macy, I don't know who I am anymore." Silent tears slid down Jason's face as he stared at Macy waiting for her to give him the answers.

"Identity is a trick concept to understand, Jason, so bare with me here. Having a sense of identity helps adapt to changes in your everyday life. When people lose their sense of self they lose their self-esteem and look for their own sense of self in others. When someone loses their self-esteem they lose all confidence in themselves. They attempt to be whoever the people around them want them to be even if it hurts them. For example, Batman sees you as a murderer at times, so you slowly adapt to that version of yourself when you are around him. You put on a mask and play your part. But with someone else, like Red Robin when he's injured, you play a caregiver role because that's who Red Robin needs. Or who you think he needs." Macy attempts to explain the concept of identity to Jason, she thinks he's slowly getting it.

"Okay, an easier way to explain this would be that our identity begins to shape during our teenage years. You had your teenage years stolen from you. So you didn't mature enough to the point where the opinions of others didn't affect the shaping of your identity. Whereas a mature person is unshaken by compliments or criticism, they can receive either without letting it ruin or sway them into a misleading view of themselves, they are confident in their identity. You aren't confident in your identity, you let how others view you change how you act, how you dress, how you talk. With your history you should have a Crime Alley accent, but you speak more like a wealthy member of society, that would be influenced by whoever adopted you after your father and mother. You felt insecure so you felt the need to change it." Macy explained more, causing Jason to finally understand.

"That makes a lot of sense." Jason let this all sink in. "I think-I think the Lazarus Pit shattered my mind when I came out of it so I don't think that helped at all." He added to which Macy nodded, writing it down in his file.

"What do you believe the Lazarus Pit did to you?" Macy asked.

"I think it broke me more? I don't remember much during that time, I was hardly present during it. I think I might have dissociated, time blurred together and I felt disconnected from everything around me. My head was all cloudy and hazy." Jason described how he felt during his moments after the revival.

"It definitely could have been derealization and dissociation mixed together, I'm not going to say for certain it was those since this is a bit over my pay grade." Macy admits. "I will say we made a lot of progress today but we should cut this session short," At Jason's confused face she continued, "Session's like these can cause emotional distress and you already look exhausted I don't want to add to it

"Oh okay, same time next week?" Jason questioned.

"I'll be here." Macy smiled. 

author's note !!

i'm really loving how
this story is turning out
what do you guys think so far?