Matthew's point of view

"What do you mean with that Matthew?" He asked me, his voice slightly breaking.

I felt my throat closing, practically suffocating me so I couldn't get anything out of my mouth. My lips went dry and looking at him seemed to be more difficult with each second that passed by.

I lowered my head to the ground before I let out the most painful words I ever said to someone.

But this time it wasn't just someone. It was Rain.

"I think we should take a break" I managed to say in a full sentence without stuttering nor crying even though it was really hard to keep the tears from falling down.

I tried to hold back the big lump that formed in my throat and tried to hide my hands from him that were shaking uncontrollably. My sight slowly began to get blurry from the upcoming tears, but yet I held it back. I couldn't cry right now, not in front of someone.

In front of Rain.

"A- Are you b-breaking up with me?" The way he said that made me feel like there was a knife stabbing me uncontrollably. I felt Rain his gaze on me and I could literally imagine his broken face full of tears and sadness, caused by nothing but me.

I still couldn't look him in the eye, because I knew when did I would give in and kiss him for an eternity. That was all he needed to do to convince me already. Just one simple look in the eye and he could make my world stop spinning right then and there. He would just fixate me in my position and make me forget.

This sudden feeling of depression made me feel sick in the stomach. I started to hate myself for it even though I couldn't do anything about it, even though it was just my disorder getting in the way of me.

I couldn't stay with him even if I wanted or needed to. He'd end up hurt and he deserved way better than me anyways. I would drag him into my own misery which was unnecessary. I couldn't let him spend so much energy on someone like me.

"I'm sorry" I apologized softly, still not looking at him.

"No no no, Matthew please!" He tried to change my mind, but I wouldn't let him. Not this time.

"Hey baby, look at me" I heard Rain say and before I could react to it, he turned my head towards him.

He did the one thing I tried to avoid the most. Our eyes locked with each other and I suddenly forgot whatever the hell happened around us. His oceanic eyes were sparkling with hope and hold a little bit of sadness, but like always they made me feel something.

His touch burned on my skin in a hella good way, that could turn me into an addict. It sounds so cheesy, but it was literally like sparks flew all over the place. It was just me and him in that certain moment.

Us against the world.

Unfortunately, the universe couldn't let us be together and reality shot back towards me. I had to do this, I couldn't stay with him and I knew we wouldn't last for so long.

"Is it because of you being bipolar? Because you know I don't care about that and I like you okay?! I wouldn't just ruin what we have for that. It's simple, I like you and you like me. I'll help you through everything Matthew. Just please, let me in" He started begging me.

All my friends left me here, leaving me in the dark. They started to despise me and they got afraid of me. And I always got told by them that I couldn't handle relationships in any way because of my disorder.

I couldn't do that to Rain too.

And I'm not gay, I'm not confused and I just can't be with a guy. How would my parents even react to me being with a guy? Their one and only son, suddenly not having a beautiful wife starting a family with beautiful children. I couldn't let a simple crush ruin my life.

I've always liked girls, not boys. I didn't like Rain in such a way. He was just a good friend and that was all he would ever be.

I kept looking at him, this would be the hardest thing I have ever done and I honestly didn't know how I did this, but I ended this.

I ended it all for his own good.

"I'm sorry" I barely whispered before I break out of his grip and took a step back. Already missing his touch, it made me feel cold and lonely all over again.

Did I do this for real? I could never do such a thing like that while looking at him. It was one of my biggest weaknesses from him.

Before I knew it I stood outside, running for my life knowing that if I would stay there any longer I would've cried and try to make it work. I know I would jumped on him and hug him, begging him to stay with me.

Everything confused me so much and I didn't know how to handle all of this. A weight fell off my shoulders the moment I ended things with him. All I had to do was focus on being able to make decisions and knowing how my disorder works for me.

How ironic, it suddenly started to rain pretty hard which made me think about him again and that's when I broke down. I cried out loud and sat on the streets, not caring that people could see me in public.

I felt so many things at once like hurt, sadness, loneliness, betrayal and it became overwhelming. I didn't know what to do, I felt like a lost boy and it angered me.

I sat there, staring into god knows what with his pretty face full of tears craved into my never ending mind and thoughts.

It was in that certain moment that I never realized how my feelings blinded me and had a huge influence on my mistakes and decisions.