Eating every once in a while is nice. Especially if it with people I care about. Shuichi is one of the people I have always admired and loved...but now being able to be this close to him I can see it's more than I thought it was.

This deep connection we have. The understanding we have for one another is something I never thought I would experience. Something I never thought could be possible.

Every human being needs to feel connected to other people. This helps their mental state improve...I have noticed that I have been in a better mood with Shuichi by my side as well as having Nagito and Hajime as my family.

Is this what love is?

Love that word is used all the time. Every couple tells each other the words everyone knows but rarely anyone understands. I love you.

Is it a phrase where the meaning was lost in time? Or is it only used to manipulate people into thinking the other person has that connection and care for them?

Sadly the world works by lying and manipulating. I have even fallen into a habit of doing these things to myself and I am the only one to blame for any of it. I shouldn't blame it on any of the people giving me a hard time...because I am always going to be the one holding myself back.

Capping off my happiness like it's a game. I don't let myself get too happy because I know what is going to happen. The suffocating feeling in my lungs. The crushing feeling on my chest. Feeling unable to breathe...unable to speak. But I still have to get the words out no matter how hard I try.

I hate crying in front of people or at all. This started because I was told it was weak and pathetic to cry...so I just took those words to heart and started to believe that whenever I cried it was so weak of me to do...but somehow when anyone else cries it's all well and good.

This is what I mean. Holding myself against these chains I have to pull constantly...and adding more weight onto myself because I think I should be able to meet the impossible to reach expectations I set for myself. I really need to work on this part of myself...but where do I even start?

I looked up at Shuichi and studied his face and figure. It's nice to be able to just look at him without being accused of staring.

His face always looks so gentle and kind. I can tell his mom was always there to help him when he was younger because of the way he is able to tell her about anything. His mom gives him hugs and tries to push him to do things out of his comfort zone. I can tell because of the way he loves holding hands with me and hugging me. I wish more than anything that I could have felt that much love when I was younger...but again it was mostly my fault.

My mom was trying hard to raise two kids after her lover left her...I could tell she wanted me to feel comfortable talking to her and wanted me to feel loved. But I took the alternative route...I took all of their responsibilities on myself and did anything to make their lives easier which in a way made them at a disadvantage.

Because whenever they need to do something that I do all the time and I am no longer there...they won't know how to do it. All because I was helping them every step of the way. Even though people need help from others...depending on them all the time can put you at a disadvantage.

I want Shuichi to know I'm there for him and I appreciate how he doesn't use me as anyone else does. It makes it easier to set boundaries with him because of how comfortable we are together.

He knows when I need a moment of silence and knows sometimes I just need someone to listen to me. I'm sure he would love to go to park hangouts with Nagito and Hajime to just get rid of some of the stress of daily life.

For some people...it is harder. Because they have been living easily because of me...and just pulling back all of a sudden will make them feel empty-handed.

"Kokichi," I heard Shuichi whisper my name but I couldn't even focus on his voice. I was too lost in my thoughts.

How am I supposed to set boundaries with my family if all they ever want me for is a damn crutch to make their lives easier?

"Hey Kichi, are you listening to me?" I snapped myself out of my thoughts when I heard his voice again. I felt a little flustered about how zoned out I let myself get...but I know Shuichi understands because he does it quite often.

"Sorry, I am," I looked in his eyes before looking down at my hands. I hated the feeling of heat coming to my cheeks. I'm sure my face was red right now...and I absolutely hate it!

"Do you want me to walk you home?" He asked taking my hand in his own. I could tell I didn't eat much of what was on the plate which was the norm for me nowadays...

"Yeah, I would like that...but my neighborhood isn't the safest place to travel to..." I whispered regretting opening my mouth in the first place.

"That's alright my mom can come with us or even pick me up if that would make you feel better about this," His smile made me melt. I couldn't find a way to tell him no...because I didn't have a reason why he couldn't walk me home. I am his boyfriend after all.

"That sounds nice," I didn't know what was coming out of my mouth at this point. All I knew is that talking was no longer an option. I grabbed his hand a little more abruptly than I intended but I pulled him outside so we could walk home regardless.

He didn't say anything. He only gasped at the sudden contact before he went silent and held my hand. Maybe walking in silence will be nice...I hope this doesn't make him uncomfortable...

-I'm tried...I wish I could sleep but I have no clue what I'm doing anymore. I always seem to say the wrong things but when I'm writing it seems easier...anyway, thank you all so much for reading!!-

-ShuichiOuma010-