Despair.
The only way I can explain it.
Is pure despair.
Not being able to get the one thing you love most.
Being held back because the people who say they want to help you break your back to keep you in place.
They hold you back while telling you to fly.
Telling you all the worst things about yourself.

Entering the room that reeked of smoke and alcohol. I feel tired walking in knowing what's going to happen. Stains all over the couch. The floor covered in papers and crumpled chip bags with beer bottles.

I walked up to my room not even bothering to look at the scene in the room. I already know what I would see. My mother passed out on the couch with drool dripping from her mouth. She looked so sad and she was the embodiment of my one fear...being abandoned...

"Ahh, best not to worry about that now..." I sighed and walked out of the hall and into my room. The room was just how I left it the day prior. The bedsheets were clumped in the corner of the bed. My door had a poster of the band me and Shuichi really liked and always talked about when we did that project together.

It was nice when I felt my face flush at the thought of him. "I'm still so surprised you chose me..." I moved my fingers over my hand where Shuichi held my hand. I felt calm pretending that it was his hand caressing my skin as he has done before.

My hand soon traveled to my lips. Slowly gliding across my soft lips. Remembering the time he first kissed me under the tree. I showed him my notebook and he carefully grabbed my hand and moved closer to kiss me. The kiss is the one thing that made that day worth it. I don't think I will ever forget that day. Wait! I should draw it!

I rushed over to my cluttered desk and pulled out another notebook I used for any art I did at home. It wasn't as full as my school one but it was great to have for any late-night drawing.

"He is just so perfect..." I let the song we danced to earlier play through my head. Repeating over and over again making my blush increase. I took out my pencil and decided to draw tonight instead of under the tree.

Drawing the proportions for the bodies reminded me of dancing. Him holding onto my hips as I had my hands on his shoulders. We slowly moved around the room as the song played softly in the background.

Shuichi Saihara's house is my safe place. The break I get to get from this hell I have to stay in all day... "And there...almost done..." I sighed moving over to my bed to draw while I was laying on my stomach. It was more comfortable to draw like this so I wasn't just bending over uncomfortably over the paper.

"There." With the drawing finished I looked at it with a proud smile. It looked really good! At least that's what I think anyway...I'm sure Shuichi would love it. I mean he loved my art from before so I'm assuming that it's the same with this piece.

I placed the notebook on the desk and walked back over to my bed to look up at the ceiling. 'This is what you could be looking at right now right Shu?' I paused my thoughts and reached my hand up towards the ceiling. "I just wish that we could be together even now...without you I feel so alone...like I always am..." I whispered moving my hand back to my face.

"Konkani!! I need you to get off your ass and help me!!" I flinched and slowly moved off my bed knowing if I was slow on getting downstairs she would just get angrier with me... "Coming!!" I yelled back down the stairs before groaning while I walked down the stairs.

"Where have you been?!" She screamed slapping my cheek. I just stood there and tried my best to not just start crying then and there.

"I was over at Shuichi's getting homework done," I said in the calmest tone I could manage. Her face contorted and she raised her fist.

"You know how long you were gone?! I needed help cleaning and you did nothing?!" She screamed fisting her hair. Her eyes were wide and she was visibly shaking. I didn't dare to put my hand to my cheek to try to soothe the pain. I was hoping it wouldn't bruise and be visible tomorrow...because then I would have to apply makeup and Shuichi is definitely going to notice.

"I can clean it now...sorry for being late..." I whispered. "You should be!!" She screamed again before she sighed. "Just get it done before you go to sleep!! I have someone coming over tomorrow..." She sighed before going to pass out on the couch again.

I looked over into the main room and sighed. "Well best to get it done..." I sighed seeing my sister give a smirk from the other room. I groaned and held my head before grabbing the broom.

When I clean I have to make sure I clean everything...it can take from minutes to hours to complete the whole job. I had to clean the bathrooms, the bedrooms (other than my own), the kitchen, the main room, and the dining room. All of the rooms had to be deep cleaned of course.

But the next day they are all going to be dirty again...because my mom is known for sleepwalking...and she carries around a bottle and it gets all over the place...there are so many stains that won't come out...and she gets angry if it looks messy...having stains that won't come out no matter what just makes it seem like I didn't clean anything at all...

I am so ready to move out...and then I can be with my beloved and leave this hell of a home...

-So my week is getting worse so sorry for the late chapter...I'm just having a weird day and things with my friend got complicated again...so there is that...but here you go! Thank you so much for reading!!-

-ShuichiOuma010-