The King's Persecution
LKellam
Fantasy

Cover
8/10

A decent cover. Nothing fuzzy or illegible about it, and it's well-balanced. Not much to it though; it isn't particularly eye-catching, nor does it seem to have much to do with persecution (or Beauty and the Beast retellings, which this story happens to be). The picture looks fairly peaceful, in fact. Still, let me reiterate, you have a fine cover; I wouldn't worry about getting another one unless you really wanted to.

Description/Blurb
8/10

First impression: hmm... not sure I like this much. It seems to tell a whole lot up front. However, it could be just speeding through introductory material. And it gets the idea of the general plot across, which is what some people fail to do. I can't tell you how many books I've started reading only to get three chapters in and wonder, "Where exactly does the author plan to go with all this?"

It's also hooking, quite simply, and that's a lot. Maybe it tells too much up front, but it's hooking all the same and most of us struggle with that.

I like the summary statement at the end; that's something I try to do with my own blurbs, so that the reader can go into the story with a clear idea of what they're entering. The one thing I would suggest you change about it is the structure; currently it's not parallel, and while parallel sentences are not requisite, a non-parallel sentence is weaker and not something you want to end a blurb with.

Right now you have "...love, courage, and standing firm".

Two nouns and a gerund with an adjective. It takes some of the force out of the sentence when they aren't all nouns.

Try something like, "love, courage, and firmness in the face of trial." Or maybe "firmness" doesn't cut it, and you want something stronger. "love, courage, and resistance". Or "perseverance"... or whatever works. These are just suggestions; you don't have to follow any of them. I don't want to rewrite this for you, but I am trying to get you on the track to do it yourself.

Language Usage
7/10

First impression: This girl has nailed it with the visuals. I'm plunged instantly into a cold, foggy, drafty afternoon, and then a blazing fire with a pacing king in blue and silver. My second thought is to be on watch now, make sure we don't overdo it. Visuals are fun, but too much of a good thing is not good...

But no. You snap us right into the action. Your sentence structure varies, your flow is lovely. You have a very important thing down: you know how to put the story together. You know how to keep the reader from being bored, and you don't waste time on irrelevant information and descriptions.

I felt like the quality fell off a bit after the prologue. You have the knack, it's there, but try to tell less and show more. We don't care about reading "the hazel-eyed, auburn-haired girl". What about "Eliza swept the tangles of her auburn hair back as she stumbled out of the whirling dance", and "She stepped away from him, her hazel eyes grey with confusion, snapping with anger"? Each of these introduces an aspect of Eliza's appearance without breaking up the action.

Pacing
6/10

I thought that Joshua's change was a bit sudden. We didn't have any prior warning as to Brayan's magical abilities. Are they common knowledge to everyone else? If so, you might want to hint at them for our sakes. If not, maybe everyone should be a leetle more shocked.

Moving into the first chapter, it's the same thing: your pacing is too fast. We just got introduced to Stephen and Eliza, we know that Stephen is a believer and he's nervous, but he honestly doesn't seem in immediate danger. And then suddenly we have soldiers swooping down and carrying him off. Try to ease into the conflict a bit more. Give us some more info about the characters and some reasons for us to relate to them before you throw them in the deep end.

My suggestion would be in any further revisions, take the material of Chapter 1 and turn it into two; use the first one introduce us fully to Eliza and her world, and maybe end it with the ominous note of Stephen asking to talk to her? Or whatever works. Make sure we know there's a warrant with his name on it before the soldiers come; that will explain things to the reader and heighten the tension.

Characters
7/10

Fairly one-dimensional so far. Joshua is good, Brayan is bad.... But they're well-drawn all the same, and they react off one another naturally. Admittedly, showing a person's character in a prologue can be hard; still, I would have liked it if we had seen some flaw in Joshua before he disappeared. Brayan -- well, let's say I could happily throw Brayan in a dark hole. XD I liked that touch at the end of your prologue, "the persecuted king". It instantly changed the whole picture in my head around, since I was thinking at the beginning of the king being the one responsible for persecution.

This is another reason why I want to see a longer intro: I need more information about Eliza and Stephen as characters. They haven't much personality showing yet. What are they like inside? How is their relationship before we find out about Stephen?

I have been accused (sometimes, I feel, unjustly) of not enough personality in my own characters. This is partly because I gravitate toward an archaic style, but even in that I do my best to intimate things with intentionally chosen adjectives, adverbs and dialogue that reveal some trait or characteristic.

I feel like your characters do have personality. Maybe it shows up in later chapters. Show it more. :)

Plot
9/10

Oooooooooooh. I love Christian allegory. And I love fairytale-retellings. Your plot is a dream, and I think I would read it, regardless of everything else I've said, just to see where it goes. Good job ending chapters with cliff-hangers that make us want more!

General Grammar
8/10

You seem to have little problem here. A couple instances of misplaced commas, difficulties with dialogue punctuation -- that's it. If you want some particulars, let me know. I feel like I have been so harsh with you in this review (AGH this is my problem. I write a review book and then I don't want to give people criticism)

Overall
7.5/10

Your writing is a testament to years of good reading. It needs some polishing, but you have a writer's mind and a writer's heart. Honestly, you have amazing ideas and they are going to get out into the world!