How can I hate something so much when I have spent hours, days, in this one place?

I'm pacing in a library, my library, the library, our library, whatever! I can't enjoy this place, I can't relax in it anymore. In the eyes of this stupid monster, these walls are just the same as the ones that trapped me in the cage. Just another thing keeping me down, denying me, trapping me. Containing me.

It doesn't matter that this place looks nice, it's confining me all the same. I need to get out.

It doesn't matter that my friends show me kindness, they're keeping me in. I need to get past them.

It doesn't matter-

Growling, I shove those thoughts away. Wishing I could literally force them out of my brain and into the fireplace in front of me. This is not a place of violence, I've spent days here completely hooked on a story. Unable to comprehend reality as I'm lost in the pages. I am NOT seriously thinking that this is a bad place, a place that I need to escape from. How can I possibly think such things?

Although... maybe I should leave? If I can't stay calm in the library of all places, then the kitchen will just destroy any control I have over myself. Besides, there are a lot of scents in this room. Ivor, Soren, Ellegaard, Gabriel, Harper and the others have all been in here recently. If I can't control myself around my best friends, then how could I ever hope to get along with them?

Sighing, I plop down on the couch. Only to tense up and spring up. My monster all flaky inside of me, and my mind. . . disturbed at the feeling. I shouldn't be, I just sat on the couch. But something about how the soft cushions gave into my weight reminded of before. . . .

My face hardens, my talons curling up into fists. Strains of anger, of hate and rage, flowing from my heart once again. Those damned demons, they did this to me. They scarred my mind, shoved a monster inside me. They need to-

The doorknob clicks, my attention snapping up to instantly. My nose flares and eyes strain for any clue, but the door swings open immediately. Lukas, with his two ocelot ears perched on his head and a tail curled around his striped t-shirt, holding the door wide open with his claws making the ever so slightest screech as he grips the handle tighter.

"J-Jesse, I, uh, well I wanted to see. . ." He shakes his head, releasing the door as my monster squirms inside of me. Hissing at me for not rushing past him and making a break for it. "I guess I wanted to make sure you weren't lonely."

I kick my monster back down into the shadows of my consciousness, how could I possibly try to escape when Lukas is simply caring about me. Like a good friend. Even though I'm being a terrible friend by considering running from them, again, after they went out to look for me.

I open my mouth on habit, but simply let it close, awkwardly scratching the back of my head inside. My eyes dart away from him, not sure how to face someone that I've tried to kill, run from, approach, and fail at all communication with. Especially with my monster throwing tantrums.

Actually, take that back. If my monster was throwing a tantrum, this place would be drastically different and I wouldn't be in it anymore.

A chest creaks open and I peek towards Lukas, who's reaching for something. "I know talking isn't really- well yeah. So I figure you could write? I mean, you probably can't hold a feather, but your, uh, finger would work just fine."

I glance down at my talons, bending them just like normal fingers. Unfortunately, bending is the farthest normal they'll be. Since the black, sharpened, and long talons are anything but normal.

Lukas starts to walk to me, and I promptly step back. My monster growling again, bristling at how another creature is approaching me and I'm not going to do anything. No eating, no protecting myself. My monster truly thinks I have gone mad.

"This again?" Concern and a touch a pain travel on his face. "Jesse, I'm not going to hurt you. Never in a million years. I'm not afraid of you, please don't be afraid of me."

I know! I know! But it's just so hard!

I wish I could scream it, I wish I could yell it to the world. But I can't, all I make is this shrieking noise of terror. That's not exactly helpful, at all.

"Here." Lukas sits down, squirming a bit on the couch. "Perhaps it'll help you relax if you sat down."

Hesitantly, I take a very careful step forward. Gulping as I take another step, not only because of the monster glaring at me, but because of how poorly I reacted last time I sat down not even five minutes ago. Another step forward, and I am still really sure that this is a bad idea.

Still though, more tense than a creeper trapped in a pen with ocelots, I lower myself onto the couch. Bracing myself for the terribly familiar softness of the couch, the same couch where I flopped onto and spent the entire day on with no worries at all as I just cracked open a new book.

Oh, what I would give to go back to that time again. Where I could speak and be myself without anything relentlessly rivalling my morals all the time. Where I could sink into this couch without any of these problems raging through my thoughts.

My chest tightens, and I want to spring up from the couch like last time. Bolt straight out the door and just run from all these memories, escape back into the forest. Where I don't have to worry about all of this.

"Jesse, breathe with me." My eyes flicker over to Lukas, a supportive smile on his lips while sadness flickers through his eyes. "In. . . and out. . . in and out. . . in. . . out. . . ."

My lungs heave at first, but slowly I get into a more peaceful rhythm. Lukas eventually quieting down, and we both just breathe deeply together. Until I finally feel the muscles so tightly wound up begin to relax, even my monster stopping its need to be the biggest jerk ever.

"So, anything you want to say?" Lukas raises the book and inkpot to me, eyes flickering away from me. "Well, you probably have a million things you want to say. Sorry, that was probably a really stupid question wasn't it?"

My lips peel ever so slightly upward as I try to grab the book as gently as possible. I can do this, I just have to be careful and I can finally say what's on my mind. Even if it's a slow process, it's better than being completely mute all the time.

I open the cover, a completely blank page resting in front of me. Taking another deep breath, I dip my right index finger into the inkpot that Lukas still holds. My eyes, my accursed monster eyes, somehow just making out the obscure difference between the blank ink and my black talon.

Ever so gently, I let the very tip of the talon glide over the page. To my relief, I didn't cut the paper. To my annoyance, I'm pretty sure even just a bit more pressure and I'll cut ten pages.

It's a slow process, but I don't want to start over. Besides, I've never used my finger, talon, like this. This entire thing is pointless if Lukas can't read what I write; my handwriting has probably been reduced to chicken scratch at this point now.

Once I'm finished though, which part of me can't believe I didn't mess it up, I lower the book. Sensing Lukas reading right as I glance over the words myself, which have actually been written with somewhat decent penmanship.

'How bad was it?'

I stare at Lukas, slightly nervous about his answer, but at the same craving it. Maybe if I just know what they went through, I could convince my monster to shut up. There isn't anything else I would want to say anyway.

"Heh, well-" Lukas snaps his gaze away, his ocelot ears flickering as he rubs his neck. "That's. . . that's pretty tough to answer. Are you sure- don't you want to talk about something a little more cheery?"

I shake my head, sitting the book aside and leaning up against the couch. It's either listen to Lukas or listen to the monster, call me biased, but I would rather listen to my friend despite if I'm going to be listening to a very dark story.

Lukas squirms, not paying any attention to his tail twitching around his body. "Geez, I, well I don't even know where to start."

His face suddenly scrunches up, and my monster immediately tenses inside me as fury floods from Lukas. "Those blasted monsters! They really screwed with us! Months of just wilting away in those dead cages, watching everyone starve before we were twisted into animals, consumed with fear of dying, completely helpless to stop Olivia or Petra or Axel else from dying too."

Lukas's shoulders hunch over, ears flattened against his head. The monster perks, but everything fades, leaving behind this thick cloud of sadness. So thick I can feel my shoulders stiffen with pressure, my chest constricted and heavy as the every air is too dense to breathe.

Slowly, I lift my talons. Fully aware of how deadly they are and very delicately letting them rest on Lukas's shoulder. My dirty white shirt almost glowing compared to the black of my skin, and when Lukas doesn't react at all, I begin to lift my hand up. I can respect it if he doesn't want talons resting on his shoulder.

"No." Then his claws scratch lightly at my undead skin, eyes far away and his lips barely even twitch to let out the airy words. "You don't understand how much I've missed you."

Internally, I wince. Wishing so desperately I could say something, anything, to him. But I can't even squeeze his shoulder, not when my 'fingers' can bury themselves into his chest. I'm here, but I still feel a million miles from him.

Especially when my monster shifts uncomfortably. While I'm trying support my friend, it's peering at me with a suspicious eye. At least not with a hungry or 'get-out-of-my-way-or-I'll-kill' kinda eye, but the monster still doesn't know what to make of Lukas.

He sighs, his shoulders drooping beneath my hand. "I bet though it was so much harder for you. We at least had each other all those long weeks, you had no one."

My eyebrows knit together, my brain finally taking into account the words 'months' and 'long weeks'. It- it didn't feel that long. Sure, I knew I was under a sleeping potion for most of the time. But were they awake for all of it? Months? We were trapped in that place for months! That's- no. I only remember eating twice, let alone drinking. That just can't be. I would be dead, if it were truly that long of time I would either be dead or have some memory of the demons forcing food or water into me.

"J-Jesse?" Lukas flinches under my hand, his eyes wide. "Is something wrong? You-" Lukas flinches again, hissing under his breath. "You have a very tight grip."

I instantly release Lukas, yanking my hand back and grabbing the book. Sparks of rage flying from my monster and I still just can't accept this. Months? My friends and I have been in the hands of those demons for months? No, no way!

Black ink splashes out of the inkpot when I lean forward to dip my talon on, my attention on trying to write quickly but not tearing up the page. My handwriting truly terrible this time in my rush to write out the words.

'In there for months?'

"Uhh... yeah, I think." Lukas shrugs, confusion plastered on his face as he tilts his head at me. "We weren't exactly given clocks, but, well, y'know, we spent days and weeks and months in that rotten place."

I blink at him, that idea. . . no, I don't want to accept it, I want to push it away. But it pushes its way in regradless, my monster snarling viciously, my head and shoulders dropping. How could I have been so selfish all this time? For months my friends have been struggling, and I did what was best for me all this time. Pushing them away because in my mind we've been apart for only a couple of weeks, while they've been missing me for months.

Realization dawns on Lukas's face, his eyes widening. "Wait, you're telling me that it didn't feel that long? How long did it feel? Um, how many weeks?"

I raise two talons, and after a moment, a third one. Two to three weeks at most, that's it. That's even knowing most of that time was also spent unconscious, I was probably only ever awake for a couple of days. Nothing compared to the months my friends had to trudge through. How awful of me to push them away when they sought me out after only a couple of days after being pushed to the breaking point.

"Oh man Jesse. . ." My head jerks to attention, a sorrowful whine filling the silence. "What did they do to you?"

I simply shrug, making a sleeping gesture with my head and hands. On the inside though, my monster seethes. Now more than ever does it want to rain terror and misery upon those demons. How dare they! How dare they do this to my friends!

A snarl, not coming from me, grabs my attention. "Those accursed demons, no wonder you're so different. Knocking you out for their stupid mad scientist tests, playing with your head and body as if toys." He snarls again, ears flat against his head and claws digging into the couch. "How demented are they if they think living breathing people are subjects that can just be tested on without care?"

A grim smile crawls from my monster, viewing Lukas in a new light now. I recoil back from him, feeling an entire part of my head twisting and warping my perspective of him. I desperately cling onto my ideas of Lukas, fear weaving into me at the thought of seeing Lukas as a threat or enemy.

"Jesse?" I lean farther back from Lukas, blinking as strange senses begin to surge inside of me. Cold and ruthless, calculating. "You- you good?"

With a final huff from the monster, the feelings set. It's a barren feeling, lacking the passionate rage I'm accustomed to from the monster. It's really weird, almost like a hint of respect? No, this is something different. Expectance glowering from it. What is it? What is-

Allegiance. That's it, that's what this feeling is. Part of me is afraid, since it feels more like Lukas owes me allegiance than it being something equal. Yet I can't fret over it every long. Since for the first time, the monster is relaxing. Maybe not totally, but I can feel it just ebb away from my conscious. I can deal with this funny feeling later, this peace is a rare gem though.

"If you want me to leave-"

"Nra!"

I scowl at the wail as I shake my head, repositioning to be next to Lukas again. I don't really sense my monster anymore, I don't want to be alone now. I just want. . . I want to be myself again.

Lukas shifts uncertainly, face scrunching up weird as his nose flares, but my eyes land on the books behind him. A grin tugging at my lips when this sense of peace grows. It's a little tainted, shadows of trauma lingering around it, but it's really nice. Not being worried about escaping or hurting or revenge, who knew I'd miss it so much.

"So Jesse?" Lukas rubs his neck, tail twitching across his body and eyes shining confusion and uncertainty. "Are- I mean, is everything alright? I don't want to push my welcome, I can go if it's really that hard."

A small smile rests on my face as I delicately grab hold of the book again. Leaning forward to dip my talon into the inkpot, gently and slowly bringing to life such peaceful words. Even if it is only for a short while, I'm grateful all the same for them.

'It has accepted you.'

Lukas inhales, ears perking up as he looks up to me. "Really? You- That conflict is gone? You're not struggling anymore?"

My smile, a little shaky, grows as I nod, leftover shards of tension falling away. A breathless and relieved sigh flying from Lukas as a spark of joy rapidly expands across his face. His tail even falling away from the endless hug it was giving him.

For probably the greatest few moments of my life, we just grin. My mind relishing in the fact that I can get the monster to accept my friends, in its own weird way. Once I do it with all of them, then I don't have to worry about hurting them anymore. I can maybe be somewhat similar to what I once was. Maybe.

Lukas takes a huge breath in, snuggling back into the couch. "Ha, those oldies were wrong. Wrong in the every same day too."

I raise an eyebrow at him as I relax into the couch, and man, that feels really nice too. Everything just seems really nice right now.

"Oh, uh, don't worry about that. What they were saying was pretty stupid anyway."

Silence descends over again and it quickly begins to wear on me now. I fidget a bit, remembering how silent it was in my cage. Only the monster and my own cries to fill the barren silence. How cold and hopeless everything was as I suffered alone.

My fidgets get me to pick up the book, Lukas shuffling as I write down only one word this time. One simple word, and I can truly be completely relaxed once again. I can feel like myself for just a moment.

'Talk.'

A hum escapes Lukas first, one of his eyebrows raised at me. "About what?"

'Anything.'

I close the book once he read it, sighing as I lean back into the couch again. Lukas slowly reclining back as he thinks of a topic. It could be about the fine art of staining glass for all I care, just anything really.

Lukas begins to babble on about something, and with a small grin still lingering on my face, I close my eyes. The silence replaced with the random words of my friend, the monster quiet despite the fact I'm not by myself in the wild. I'm not in the wild but I'm not in a cage.

I may not be at the best I can be, but it's nice to be home again.